*shaking head and laughing*

You’re right. It doesn’t really matter if they know or not. What matters is the disrespectful behaviour. Hanging up on your mum is disrespectful and it would be to everyone.

Karen, yes it is good you are rid of him. They do have a way of twisting things around to make you look like the bad guy always. Mike is right. They don’t get it because they don’t want to get it. It is all about them.

It is hard at times but it really is good to be rid of him. I can’t believe how happier and freer I feel.

I was so similar to you, trying to talk things through and he would turn everything around as if it were my fault. I just could not comprehend how this guy could be so mean, have no empathy and kept me thinking I was the one with problem. Not him. I’m not saying of course that I didn’t have a problem ( I know what it is now) but there has been no other relationship in my life which took so much from me and left me feeling so empty.

I too feel the hurt, but struggle moving past it. I keep thinking to myself, how much longer is this going to take? I’m not just lying around feeling sorry for myself, but at the most stupid moments the hurt resurfaces, and we are supposed to feel the emotion and let it pass. But that’s the kicker, it doesn’t f*cking pass as quickly as I’d like. I’m sick of it, and I keep forcing myself to keep busy, to work out more, to do things for me. It’s all good there, but when this emotion comes up it just hangs on and like this past weekend it hung with me the whole darn time.

Mike I appreciate your feedback. And what you’re saying does make perfect sense. It could be just a simple validation from the guy stating, “I know what I did was wrong, you’re a good person you didn’t deserve being treated like that and I’m sorry.” Period. But Karen and many of us like her didn’t get it, we’ll never get it and it could be the missing link to solving our pain and suffering. Somehow, some way we have to give that validation to ourselves. But it’s hard.

read your post and this guy sounds like a real “winner.” I don’t think it’s validation you are looking for, but rather just some basic “respect.” This guy clearly didn’t have that for you – which by the way is not because of anything you did or did not do for him. I can understand why you would feel hurt by his behavior, but trying to make him understand how you feel is pointless – he won’t get it because he doesn’t WANT to get it. Be thankful that he is out of your life and know that the next time you will be able to recognize this behavior early on and know the appropriate action to take.

These men aren’t empathetic so to expect them to grasp that their behaviour is inappropriate is quite a stretch.

Even though you can’t fathom it, unfortunately you will have to because what you know, think and feel, are very different to what he knows, thinks, and feels and one of the problems in these relationships is assuming that the other party has the same feelings, knowledge etc as you.

Ultimately though – it doesn’t really come down to whether he does or doesn’t know that he’s being disrespectful – disrespectful is disrespectful – he’s crossed the line. It’s not about whether he thinks its disrespectful – it’s about whether you do. You don’t need him to validate it and if someone has been disrespectful, particularly on a habitual basis, it’s a waste of energy trying to get them to understand, explain, or justify it.

I don’t quite get your post. Respect and disrespect are clearly defined in the dictionary. There are things that are disrespectful and most everyone would agree they would be.

Also please explain how he was content with dating and so was I?

Would you mind clarifying your points in your post?

Cheers

Maybe she couldn’t compare if it was something he really needed, but he doesn’t need an expensive game. It only further goes to show his lack of respect for her and their relationship and should be recognized for exactly what it was. Sometimes in getting over these types of men, women do need to remember all the ways the man was hurtful in order to move on and forget the good times. Because in a dysfunctional relationship there are quite a few really good times, because what these guys do is blow hot/over compensate when they’re scared to lose you.

Just because she put up with poor treatment for a little too long doesn’t mean he has any excuse for his behavior. True she might have made it easier for him to be an assclown, but that doesn’t make it right. And behaving like an irresponsible, grown child with his money makes him more of an ass clown (big red flag!)

Sometimes we make mistakes, step on toes we didn’t know were there. When you move to a new town, things are always different. People make different assumptions because “everyone knows”, except it is clear to a visitor that the folks here drive different, different rules are enforced. Stores advertise different, there are different expectations all around, from customer service to credit.

A relationship is new territory for most people, at least the first time. Some people are observant, some are well-taught, some are trainable and learn quickly. But not everyone.

Think of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Then-President Clinton convinced Congress, and apparently our Secretary of State, his wife Hillary, that without penetration he wasn’t cheating. Gack.

Could the guy have been doing things that weren’t respectful? Sure. Depending on how he was raised, who he grew up with, his school, etc. the answer is absolutely.

Where things broke down – aside from how he was only dating, and never was in a relationship with you – is that you and he never communicated and learned what the other meant by respect. This isn’t universal, respect is always defined in social terms. If his social rules don’t match yours, one or both of you have to adapt.

But you have to choose. Because there is a difference between having different expectations and not respecting the other. And you cannot accept disrespect and thrive.

I am not sure what disrespect you accused him of. Was it disrespect, or were your expectations different? Did he do it deliberately or carelessly, or was it an honest mistake?

Did he know he wasn’t being respectful? What matters to me, is that he didn’t change, didn’t acknowledge he made a mistake – and didn’t work to avoid making that mistake in the future. He might not have understood what he did was inappropriate. Fine. But he should have been bright enough to feel a need to figure out what went wrong, and have enough respect for you to want to avoid disappointing you again.

He wasn’t trainable.

You cannot compare his comment about no credit for a phone, with purchase of a game or other personal purchase. The only thing important there was that he had cut you off from any expectation of a relationship years before, only you were hanging on believing there was something there. He was just dating.

You really weren’t interested in a relationship, either, though. It isn’t a relationship if you are content with text-only exchanges. Well, maybe if you were using real letters and snail mail, with the expectation that family and friends are going to read and comment on each letter, on both sides. That is, a respectful, considered courtship, above-board and non-sexually intimate, and all out in public view. That doesn’t happen much any more.

But you weren’t getting conversations, you weren’t getting any intimacy – getting to know and be a part of each other’s lives. You dated. And you were content for four years. Was he merely responding to your ambivalence, or was he relieved you weren’t interested in something more? Dunno.

The times I told him he was being disrespectful he claims he didn’t know he was and didn’t know what I am talking about.

Do they really not know they are behaving this way? I just can’t fathom how they wouldn’t know.

Cheers

Well, me and the clown talked for quite some time and I began to like him some but he got worse with the texting and pretty much stopped calling. “My job is keeping me real busy, I won’t be available until August.” Mind you, this was in May. :-/ I liked him, but not enough to be stupid. I was talking to other people so I said “Okay” and quickly dismissed him. Thank goodness I didn’t have sex with him.

When he decided to text me out of the blue in August as if we could go back to the way things were when we first started talking, he had the nerve to act upset that I was talking to other men at the same time as him! I told him that he was full of shit and really didn’t care that I was talking to other people and that he needed to cut out the how-dare-you act. I also told him that we never had an exclusivity agreement, as that is what HE clearly specified when we were talking. (And by the way, that WHOLE conversation was via text. Dumb ass.)

He still texts me from time to time even though I made it clear that I’m not interested in him. As a matter-of-fact, he sent me a text message yesterday! “Hey, long time, how are you doing?” Don’t worry…… I ignored it.

That assclown can get out of here. Mr. ph2072 suits me just fine.