Reader Opinions Needed: Is rape still rape within marriage?
July 21, 2008 by NML
I have been asked to comment on an article about rape within marriage, which I know is a bit of a leap from our usual posts on emotionally unavailable men and dating woes, and I wanted to find out what your views are on the subject.
I’m sure mine are obvious; rape is rape whether I see a ring on my finger or not. It’s a horrendously, violating act of violence that transcends what the status of your relationship is, what you’re wearing, or whatever other excuses that people pull out to find a different perspective about a disgusting crime. It is exactly why the minority of rape cases are reported, and an even greater majority make it to trial; because the victim ends up going on trial.
Does it matter whether the man who rapes you is your husband or some stranger with his face hidden? Isn’t rape, rape?
I occasionally receive email’s from readers asking for my advice about how to deal with date rape situations and this is something else that has become a grey area, even though just like being married, the fact that you’re on a date shouldn’t have a damn thing to do with whether someone’s forcing themselves on you is a crime or not.
I am keen to hear your views on the subject. If you were married and this happened to you, would you look at the rape differently, or do you see his actions for what they are?
Your thoughts?
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No means no whether you’re on a date or have a piece of paper that says you’re married. Rape is about power and control NOT about sex. A man who forces a woman to have sex, whether he’s married to her or out on a date with her, is asserting his power and control over her making it horribly wrong no matter the situation. Period.
I agree with you and lisaq, NML. I was raped by my first college boyfriend when we were still dating, although I wouldn’t have called it that at the time. I think there’s some statistic somewhere that the majority of women have been raped, and usually by their significant other. It’s a horrible, horrible thing whether you’re “with” the person in a romantic sense or not.
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Rape is rape. Period.
I had a dear friend in an abusive relationship.
He not only controlled her actions outside of the bedroom, but helped himself to everything inside the bedroom as well.
Now, I agree that there is probably a bit of a grey area. But it is one thing to tell your husband that you have a headache or aren’t in the mood, and he tries to convince you but eventually stops. Or doesn’t, but it’s consentual. It’s completely another if he forces himself on you. And by force, I mean will not take no for an answer. Even if you have stopped saying no and are forced. Which is what happens. You become so paralyzed with the fear, you just lay there.
Rape is rape. It disgusts me that in a huge part of the world a man can do whatever he wants to his wife and not even the law will intervene.
Hell it still happens here, in a supposed ‘civilized society’.
My country (Dominican Republic) has really strong legislation for domestic violence. All attorneys have been trained and the woman doesn’t have to present evidence. It’s even illegal for the woman to back out because, due to the nature of these crimes, the man will manipulate her into doing so, and then escalate in the bullying until he kills her one day.