Comments on: Reader Question: Do the sexual preferences & activities of Mr Unavailables indicate their feelings?

By: Gee

Gee — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 07:54:56 +0000

Well, sex in my relationship is the main problem, but in a kind of opposite way.

My boyfriend of almost 5 years told me last week that he does not fancy me and that there is no chemistry between us and according to him this has been the case since day one (incidentally, the first night we spent together he couldn’t “get it up”) We do have sex, but although he “gets” off, it seems like he is not enjoying it and I definitely don’t, as he does nothing to try and please me, no foreplay, no kissing, no stroking, always from behind. In can’t help but feeling that this chemistry thing is nonsense and the only reason why we have such a bad time is that he cannot let go in sex, needs emotional distance. We on the other hand are emotionally very close, I am the first woman he has really opened up to and he feels loved and accepted by me. Physically speaking we are both very attractive people. He used to be a model when he was younger and I am a slender, gorgeous, leggy woman who gets plenty of attention from other men. I am also in touch with most of my ex boyfriends/lovers and all of them would have sex with me without a moment’s hesitation, so it can’t be that I am such a lousy lay and I definitely try hard to please him in bed ( i.e. don’t just lie there…) Also, he was the one who was doing all the pursuing in the beginning and since when do men pursue women they don’t find attractive?

He doesn’t want to split up with me because he appreciates me and values what he has in me, but this is putting a huge strain on our relationship because his lack of desire for me makes me feel ugly and unwanted and because I can feel that he is unhappy about it too because of course he wants to have a a great sex life, but somehow he is unable to have that with me precisely because he is attached to me and respects me.

And the thing is, I wouldn’t mind the occasional slightly rough/quick/wild sex but what I so difficult for me is that in all the time we have been together he has not once “made love” although he is extremely affectionate in other ways, holding me in his arms all night, holding my hand in public etc.

As you can imagine, this is putting a huge strain on our relationship, but I am not at the point yet where I want to give up, thinking there is hope. Am I just in denial???

By: Kay

Kay — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 13:33:59 +0000

Congrats on the video,Natalie! Lovely to hear you speak.To be honest I often wondered if your accent was Dublin or London [lol]. I’m hearing more London but it’s nice.

Yes,the whole issue of sex and booty calls is indeed sensitive for those of us who’ve been badly burned by EUMs.Like Trish above,I was once crazily in love with a guy who I only ever got to hold in my arms if there was sex.Everything was about sex with this guy.A simple kiss or hug would be seen as a precurser to sex.How sad and emotionally handicapped he was! And how sad I was at the time that I deluded myself into thinking that because the sex was so good,he must really love me deep down.I’ve come a long way since then but I have yet to experience a relationship which blends passionate sex with love and respect.Bravo to those that have found it!

By: regeneration

regeneration — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 11:52:36 +0000

Oh wow. That is a great video.

I spent time as booty calls in my early 20s (and the odd time at a later date) and what you say is so true. If you have no boundaries, it keeps on happening… and yes, I wanted there to be more with some men. Which obviously never happened.

Really well put. Thank you.

By: ph2072

ph2072 — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 09:20:29 +0000

Wow. Brad K. said it all for me, as did NML of course. Unless Jenny is alright with not being “his girlfriend or wife” AND being hit during sex (which, in my honest opinion as a person and as a professional [social work/counseling/mental health/etc.], is physical abuse & degradation in this case), she ought to exit this situation YESTERDAY. “Enjoying” this situation with someone who says that you’re not “his girlfriend or wife” is telling of how Jenny (and others in situations like this) thinks/feels about herself. Professional help is suggested. Best wishes.

By: Vanna

Vanna — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 00:15:55 +0000

Am I the only one who doesn’t have a link to the video?

By: MaryC

MaryC — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 23:00:47 +0000

Trinity is right, NC is the way to go and I do agree maybe a little to soon to date again. Yes professional help might be good too, have you thought about going back to talk to them? An unbias person can do wonders. Friends are good too but they tend to say what you want to hear because they care.

I once spent an entire weekend on this site reading everything that there was. It helped alot just knowing I wasn’t alone and others cared enough to write me support.

Be good to yourself, you deserve better and being alone isn’t as scary as it sounds.

By: Trinity

Trinity — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:45:34 +0000

Hey,
Maybe instead of asking when will enuff be enuff?
Ask yourself if you are ready to be happy?
I’m not saying once you leave you will instantly be happy but it is a start to getting it. That 1st ending to your relationship is traumatic !!! What a cruel person and how utterly deceitful, I agree after hearing your story that councelling may help you. It’s helped me. You may be trying to even rewrite the ending to your initial relationship? NC really saved me, sure it’s hard but your doing it hard now anyway, right?
It almost sounds like you were not ready to date when u met this guy.
Take care, your not alone, millions of people men and women of all ages have gone through this.
Be kind to you.

By: Darlyn

Darlyn — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 20:05:16 +0000

This is a really eye-opening post – thank you for sharing.

Darlyn
relationship article

By: gigi

gigi — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 19:08:56 +0000

MaryC, Sadthing,Trinity,
Thank you all…it is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life is try to get on with my life. 2.5 years ago my husband that I thought was madly in love with me, and I with him, had a secret life with another woman and family! I didnt have a clue..he is a detective and would tell he was doing servallience on the weekends and evenings and I believed him. Until I came home one day and he was literally gone! my neighbor told me he packed his truck! that was after a morning of lovemaking and I loves you until we both went to work!!! I didnt know it was the last I love you I would hear. I havent seen him since (not even the kids) not until divorce court a month ago ( I couldnt let go then either) when I saw him, he wouldnt look at me or talk to me. I found out about the other family through a mutal acquantice!!!! how my heart was broken then. I was very physically and emotionally sick from him.
Then when everyone pushed me to date..it took a long while and I did. MY EUM was the second guy I met and dated, then cut anyone else out of the picture of dating. I just wanted him.
He was charming and right on it from the beginning..calling, excited to see me, and his energy was intoxicating, then after a week asked me to be exclusive with him. And then it was hot or cold depending on his mood or on again off again according to him. But I was and still am there for him all this time!
The thing is when we spend a lot of time together he calles me honey and gf, then a week goes by and the big withdrawl.” i have to be dating, I just feel I have to do that” then he calls me again. He actually did cheat on me 3 times, one recently with a woman that he had gone out with before me. He said he need closure for her…does he think Im stupid too? he said he wasnt dating her, but my gut feeling is she is a standby girl too.
Now im in the holding pattern for the weekend, will he call or wont he. Even though we speak everyday…he never makes a date with me, probably keeping his opions open. But it makes me feel like crap. I want to see him, because I miss him, then when I do see him its when will this end again. I wish that there was some kind of magic pill to take this pain of yearning for something more away. The thing is that even though he kills something more inside me everytime he pulls away, its never enough for me to just say no.
Im attractive and youthful for my age and I just feel like Im wasting my time on him, but no one I see is as attractive to me.
Now there must be something wrong with me. I really think that Im just no cut out for this dating thing. Even though I want a realationship and closeness, I feel that its just not out there for me. Maybe if I start acting like and ass someone will be there..but its not in my nature to be like that. Its true that the nice ones finish last. He tells me that Im too nice and to nieve, I tell him not to confuse niceness with weakness, because its a lot harder to be nice then a bitch, He says that good, because he doesnt do bitch! LOL but he is the biggest one I know. He has such anger and disconnect issues that I find it alarming to think this man is in a power postition and thens transferes it to me.
I have talked to someone on a professional level and they tell me to get out too. That he is just a little boy playing games an d not a man at all. Because a man would never take the chance of loosing someone and something good.
So here I am alone a this Friday evening, yearning for the call that may or may not come to tell me yet of one more peice of information of what I will be doing this weekend. Him or nothing. Its sad that I am at this age and still havent figured it out yet.
Does he actually get off on all of this? and how can he go out with someone or look for someone when Im still in the picture and not feel a moment of quilt?(he has denied dating yet)
How can he want to be with me one minute, and not want to be the next?
I think its my body that misses him the most….even though I have lied to him about having the big O with him (for months due to his behavior) because Im afraid that he wont want me again. I just need to move on, but I feel so helpless in letting go, even if its feeling sad its feeling something….
I know Im pathetic.
I once asked my friends when is enough enough…one said when the hurting hurts to much…she is soooo right…but if Im an endless pit of hurting when do you discover the bottom and look up and see the light?
just me GIGI

By: MaryC

MaryC — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:05:52 +0000

Gigi…my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there too at age 55. 18 months of hell as my ex cheated and left me for her. I cried, stomped my foot, begged, pleaded and continued to have sex with him when ever he came around and what did it get me 18 months of hell.

Yeah you’d think us who are a little bit older would of seen the light a long time ago and with age had a bit more of a handle on our feelings but it has nothing to do with age its a state of mind. I know women from there 20′s to older than me going through the same stuff.

The only thing I can tell you is NC. Its what saved my sanity. Its been 6 long hard painful months but its been well worth it. I found 2 saying somewhere, it might of been on this site that finally gave me the strength to let go and realize I am so much better than the treatment I was getting and helped me accept my responsibility for my unhappiness too.

1. The reality is tough, as you have discovered, it doesn’t matter how much you pretend and avoid the truth it doesn’t change the reality, it only prolongs the agony.

2. You placed all your needs, wants and expectations on him, effectively letting the sun rise and set on him. And when it was over, you felt like you had died with the relationship. Never give anyone that kind of power over you.

As we all know who read and post to this site its painful very painful to let go but there comes a time when you have to for your own sake. I like the thought that time heals but I’ve learned its not time its self its what you do with the time.

By: sadthing

sadthing — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 08:16:09 +0000

Oh Gigi, you are with ‘my’ AC’s twin, even down to the ‘I have no heart’ bit.I’m 52 as well!

He is what he is, and he has told you this. The key phrase you use is ‘Why in Gods name can I not let go of this screwed up EUM!!! what is it in me that loves him so much and cant get him to love me? I do everything for him, Im always there when he wants me,’

You are channelling all your need for love into trying to win a battle that you are not going to win. To love him till he loves you back, to buy him things, to always be there when he wants you. My guess is that this is a re-run of an old battle somewhere in your past, it’s very common to do this in relationships, in my case it was the relationship with my EU father that I was trying to get a different ending to. I had to have years of therapy to work it all out, and am left with a residual addiction to the AC, I’ve detached emotionally from him as a person, but detaching from his body is more difficult AND means finally letting go of the hope that he’s going to turn out differently – he’s not. I reread an old journal from 7 years ago this week and he has not changed one jot in all this time. Not for me, not for my successor. They rarely change, at in their 50′s are even less likely to.

Are you getting any help with this? Some people manage to do this alone but I certainly couldn’t so I know how powerful it all feels.
.-= sadthing´s last blog ..Reader Question: Do the sexual preferences & activities of Mr Unavailables indicate their feelings? =-.

By: Trinity

Trinity — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 03:11:38 +0000

Hey,
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He is telling you he is an asshole both verbally and with his actions.
He was an asshole before he met you and will be when you leave. Let someone else put up with it, take back control and leave him. Your unhappy anyway? Yes you will feel unhappy when going through the loss of him but at least that unhappiness will be for a reason and it will subside.
Be strong and take care.

By: gigi

gigi — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 23:55:52 +0000

Hi Nat,
I have enjoyed and religiously read everyone of your enteries.
I am so into a EUM that I cant seem to get out of it.
Its been 19 months of torture for me emotionally. Waiting for the phone calls that maybe good or the ones that say “I dont know how to end this, so Im going to date and have sex with other people.” It makes my heart sick and my mind so screwed up. Im posting here, because this subject about sex is something that hit home for me. We have aggressive sex and sometimes loving. Or so I think. He always says its because I like it, when I says no I dont he just says “yes you do”. Yes we have done things not to far over the edge, but the way he acts almost as if I werent there or it could be anyone there is what makes me sick. At first I thought it was exciting to have a man so into sex and have the knowledge behind it or even the stamina. But now and for a long time have wondered where the respect is. I have been in the situation that I thought if were having sex then he must love me..even though he has told me on several occassions that “he is not in love with me, but loves and cares about me, but not how I deserve to be loved”. Red Flag. But all these months its been break up a few days and then back together, have a great time in and out of bed then I get the call…”I have to much anxiety to continue this I just want space and dont want to be in a relationship”. All the time mind you that he is calling me gf and then friend then gf again. I dont get it. I actually was able to do NC for 2 weeks. I had it rough at first, crying and feeling terrible and lonely. Then about day 8 I started feeling free and not nervous about who he might be seeing or screwing or if he was going to yell at me because I got water on his floor after taking a shower! It was freeing….then he called several times, on the the 4th time I answered. I told him that I wouldnt share him and that was it.
He said that he wasnt with anyone and if I wanted to go out on a date to dinner. I said yes and that started 2 weeks of a world wind of what I thought was romance. Well, its been about 3 weeks since then, he was calling everyday, long chats, get togethers, qickies and stayover wekens, and then yesterday I called him to tell him about my new job and he didnt answer his phone. He told me if he was out on a date he wouldnt answer, I was sick over it. He finally called later and said “he was just out but didnt want to talk to me”. It felt awful. He didnt go into his speach, but now its the next day and I havent heard from him again. Im tied up in knots because he has dinner and goes out every night like clockwork at 5 and its 8 and no call.
Why in Gods name can I not let go of this screwed up EUM!!! what is it in me that loves him so much and cant get him to love me? I do everything for him, Im always there when he wants me, I even by the guy small things to take care of him…like eye drops and handcreams. He has never bought me any thing. Oh a card that said he wished he could tell me he loved me on valentines day. Thats it!!
Help me please understand what is wrong with me?
His is 56 and Im 52. So were not kids. We are both youthful.
He gets jealous and tells me that men are undressing me and having their way with me or other stupid things like that. Why would he say that if he didnt love me?
He is very good looking at least to me so I feel jealous of him all the time, but never say it to him so that his ego isnt pumped up more.
Why isnt one woman enough for a nacassistic asshole?
His favorite line is “Iam an asshole so dont love me. I have no heart”
Help!
Im going under again….
Heart sick me

By: Happy Soul

Happy Soul — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 18:37:20 +0000

I used to be a Booty call, no more…thank you Natalie for post and video, you look great and sound great!!! Love it!

By: MaryC

MaryC — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:42:09 +0000

NML you’re right, if someone is slaping, choking etc etc and its just a booty call then you really need to be careful. We women have to start to standup for ourselves and rely on oursevles that’s why its called intuition. That little voice in the back of our minds yelling at us really has our best interest at heart. We can ignore that voice all we want but its not going to go away, its there to protect us.