I guess that is one good thing about being married. You probably would have gotten something for your investment; part of the house or something.

My ex AC didn’t want to live together or marry as he said he was too afraid, his social phobia, and he liked his space but when I was talking about buying a house, he perked up like a faithful dog and was all keen to buy an investment property with me. Hmmm he was willing to take on the commitment of a 30 year mortgage with me but he couldn’t commit to even de facto?

As hindsight is always 20/20, the house would have benefited him. Living together or marriage had no benefit to him and he might have actually had to contribute something by doing that so he certainly wasn’t going to do that!

I told him flat out I would never buy property with someone I wasn’t married to.

Basically it took mine 6 years to figure out that I was not the one. But I could have figured it out myself much sooner.

Again, so sorry dear heart, cups of tea and hot baths to you.

Two months later he starts dating an old friend (not in our social cirle) (she is divorced, 2 grown kids, they had been work friends for about 8 years, I knew of her, never met her-I trusted him.). Less than 10 months after that, he asks her and the kids to move in. He is happy. All of our common friends say that he is happy and that I should move on. I am not and I am finding it impossible to move on.

It has been a year and a half. I am still devastated. My entire life has been turned upside down. Now, in my 40’s, I need to find a new set of friends (only because everyone reminds me of him and they still hang out), learn how to date (I haven’t dated in 14 years), and figure out how to live by myself. I want a child. I want to be married. I used most of my savings re-doing the “house”. I am almost too old to have a child on my own. I do not have the cash to adopt.

From the above comments, I understand that he would be a “stand up guy” because he didn’t cheat.

Basically it took him 14 years to figure out that I was not the one?

Obviously, I blame myself for not pushing the issue of marriage (I didn’t because I wanted to be in a better financial position going into the marriage–until very recently that wasn’t possible). Honestly, we were happy (or so I thought). Every day I told him that I loved him and every day he answered back. I wanted him to be sure how I felt about him and wanted to be sure that he felt the same about me.

I am seeing a therapist. I am finding it impossible to forget about him and the pain is almost unbearable.

I guess he’s still a “stand up guy” because he didn’t cheat. Honestly, that really doesn’t help the hurt at all…

I met a great guy online a few months ago. I was genuinely happy being alone after getting shot of an EUM in the spring.

We talked about everything, and relationships came up. I gave him some advice, to the effect that he needed to try and make things work with his gf, because apparently things were on the slide. Problem was, I was getting drawn to this guy, and him to me… it was clear something was happening. But still, I advised him and can put my hand on my heart to say I didn’t compromise my integrity – I told him the truth, that it obviously wasn’t as it should be, but he could do XYZ to help save it, if she was willing to do the necessary as well.

He realised what was going on: he was emotionally cheating. After having been cheated on twice himself and vowing never to hurt someone the same way, he knew that talking to me and being with her was wrong; besides, he and his gf knew things weren’t right. She’d apparently told him so, months ago. So it could have ended then, but they both chose to stay.

He subsequently broke things off with his ex, took a breather, and we have been seeing each other since August.

KN, you say that you couldn’t imagine cheating on someone in that way; I was once engaged and truly loved my fiance. About 5 years into the relationship, things started to slide. We were drifting apart (but living together!) and my attempts to fix the problem were met with denials of any problems, even hoots of derision. Never underestimate the power of an emotional connection – even if you are not looking for it, it finds you. And you are more vulnerable if you’re not getting it at home.

That’s what me and my boyfriend had. It was real, and we both are experiencing something all of our previous relationships had been sorely lacking – a powerful but healthy connection at all levels, passion, and total ease with each other. I am sorry it came at someone else’s emotional expense, but nobody is perfect. If the guy in this situation didn’t cheat, but realised he potentially could, he did the right thing. He’s not a coward, he’s a good guy at heart. Not perfect, but fundamentally GOOD. No ass-clownery. With that in mind, I’m confident in my boyfriend.

In that situation, I’d want to be treated with even a fraction of the honour both the dumped girlfriends were treated. Too many times I have been blanked as if I didn’t exist, been lied to, had my fears dismissed. It’s hard and it’s extremely hurtful, but ultimately he did the right thing.

NO.. gotta ask yourself if being lonely with someone who isn’t expressive of his feelings is worth your own dreams and goals and desires for yourself? Even IF you both had so much in common.

Just know your not alone.. I’m thinking the same things hon..

I’m Signing off for now.

I want you to say it.. it just didn’t work out.
over and over again..
It just didn’t work out.
it just didn’t work out.

I think we fallback girls misdirect our blame.. we blame ourselves when this isn’t about us doing something wrong TO them.. but how we are doing something wrong to OURSELVES…

I know it’s SO HARD… but try to keep focusing on yourself. I know this hurts like hell.. but this is.. to some degree.. not real. We are making it real because in reality we should be saying.. “I KNOW THAT I AM FOCUSING SO MUCH ON HIS BEHAVIOR.. WHEN IN REALITY I AM SCARED TO DEATH THAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT WHY I DONT LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH.. SO I’LL CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON HIM.. CAUSE IT DOESNT SCARE ME AS MUCH”

does that sound right?

So I just keep thinking oh if a nice girl is with him, she is confident, gives him breathing room he will be warm and kind as he was sometimes with me. And there she was last night laughing away with him… I can’t say for sure I have no idea how he treats her… I know this much last week he told me he was using this girl for sex and when she wanted more he would toss her aside… next thing I know he’s working out with her and kissing her in the gym! So he’s lying to someone!

Time to take a step back and TURN in another direction.. (again.. as hard as that is) Honey.. he’s NEVER going to say what you want him to.. he’s NOT going to prostrate himself.. that is what makes him a big jerk! THAT is the part that is hard for you.. you’re thinking if you make it hard enough he has to say SOMETHING… right?

Hon.. you want his validation that you are worth it.. by yelling at him.. you are sending the signal “PLEASE.. JUST TELL ME I’M WORTH IT.. THAT YOU SAW SOMEONE WORTH LOVING BECAUSE I DON’T!!” Don’t give him that power.. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! I know it’s hard.. (trust me.. i’m in the same boat) but try to look to your friends and family to help validate you..

Be proud of yourself that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself.. exercising is important…Keep that up.. don’t stop going because of him… Keep it up!!!