Comments on: Reader Question: How do I stick to No Contact when we have kids? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Phyllis http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-259299 Phyllis Sat, 24 Apr 2010 10:32:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-259299 Nathalie, Can you tell me why is it that women tend to have so many more relationship problems with men than the other way around? They seem to be doing something right and we as women don't get it!!!! Phyllis Nathalie,

Can you tell me why is it that women tend to have so many more relationship problems with men than the other way around? They seem to be doing something right and we as women don’t get it!!!!
Phyllis

]]> By: Mia http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-253707 Mia Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:36:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-253707 I share a daughter with a married man. For the first ten years of her life, he denied she existed to everyone while I facilitated a relationship between the two of them to the extent possible. (lesson learned big time as he was involved with her only to stay with me) His wife found out about the situation. He immediately chose to stay in the marriage and with his other two kids (both slightly older than ours). He also decided to seek forms of custody and liberal visitation with our daughter at his house. I initiated the NCR and quickly found that despite all his words, he has no interest in finding out about our daughter either from me or from her. That said, counselors and research suggest that we can help her through a more “team” parenting situation. His marriage has a ton of rules restricting him from being in our house to talking to me beyond a third party to even helping out in emergencies. The best for our daughter is determined by the boundaries set forth by his marriage. I love the NCR with him – yet I see the challenges it is posing our daughter and how it hurts her. Kids complicate things. I share a daughter with a married man. For the first ten years of her life, he denied she existed to everyone while I facilitated a relationship between the two of them to the extent possible. (lesson learned big time as he was involved with her only to stay with me) His wife found out about the situation. He immediately chose to stay in the marriage and with his other two kids (both slightly older than ours). He also decided to seek forms of custody and liberal visitation with our daughter at his house. I initiated the NCR and quickly found that despite all his words, he has no interest in finding out about our daughter either from me or from her. That said, counselors and research suggest that we can help her through a more “team” parenting situation. His marriage has a ton of rules restricting him from being in our house to talking to me beyond a third party to even helping out in emergencies. The best for our daughter is determined by the boundaries set forth by his marriage. I love the NCR with him – yet I see the challenges it is posing our daughter and how it hurts her. Kids complicate things.

]]> By: bbylove http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-240571 bbylove Sun, 06 Sep 2009 06:59:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-240571 This has helped me so much. I am 19 and recently gave birth to abeautiful baby boy. The downside to this is that I share this beautiful boy with my exAC. it's only been in the past week that I realized I needed to let go of him and keep everything strictly based on our son. However it is so difficult not to contact him and talk about other matters and ask him whether he has found someone else. I know that I'm only making it harder for myself by doin that but at the same time it's breaking my heart not knowing how he is or who he is with. I need help with setting these boundaries because everytime I try to, he turns everything around on him and makes him look like the victim and the innocent one. I know that he only does this because he hates the fact that I av the upper hand.. I feel so lost.. Please help, I need to get over him. But I will also ask one thing why is it still so hard to get over him even though he lies, talks to me like I'm nothin and has cheated on me.. This has helped me so much. I am 19 and recently gave birth to abeautiful baby boy. The downside to this is that I share this beautiful boy with my exAC. it’s only been in the past week that I realized I needed to let go of him and keep everything strictly based on our son. However it is so difficult not to contact him and talk about other matters and ask him whether he has found someone else. I know that I’m only making it harder for myself by doin that but at the same time it’s breaking my heart not knowing how he is or who he is with. I need help with setting these boundaries because everytime I try to, he turns everything around on him and makes him look like the victim and the innocent one. I know that he only does this because he hates the fact that I av the upper hand.. I feel so lost.. Please help, I need to get over him. But I will also ask one thing why is it still so hard to get over him even though he lies, talks to me like I’m nothin and has cheated on me..

]]> By: imani http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-238118 imani Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:13:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-238118 I can sooo relate to this post and comments. As I have a 3 1/2yr son with an ex EUM. In the 3yrs we tried (him half heartedly) to reconnect in a relationship that did not work. He used the excuse as being afraid that if things didn't work out it would hinder his relationship with our son. Well things did not work out and I am still supportive of him having a relationship with our son. The dynamics play out like this I moved out of the area once my son was born we live about 300 miles away from him. For the past 3yrs we both traveled back and forth to foster a bond/relationship with his father. He loves his father, but understands they live in two separate homes which is far away from each other. Just recently the Father has invited me and my son to go to Myrtle Beach, SC with him and his Mother. I am relunctant, but I am really in acceptance mode with him. My priority and concern is that him and my son have a relationship and I support that relationship. Nothing more nothing less. We communicate only when its regarding our son. He hasn't tried to come back into my life and vice versa we keep the focus on our son. Thanks for this awesome website and these wonderful posts!!! Good luck to everyone who is healing or healed from dealing with these type of men! I can sooo relate to this post and comments. As I have a 3 1/2yr son with an ex EUM. In the 3yrs we tried (him half heartedly) to reconnect in a relationship that did not work. He used the excuse as being afraid that if things didn’t work out it would hinder his relationship with our son. Well things did not work out and I am still supportive of him having a relationship with our son. The dynamics play out like this I moved out of the area once my son was born we live about 300 miles away from him. For the past 3yrs we both traveled back and forth to foster a bond/relationship with his father. He loves his father, but understands they live in two separate homes which is far away from each other. Just recently the Father has invited me and my son to go to Myrtle Beach, SC with him and his Mother. I am relunctant, but I am really in acceptance mode with him. My priority and concern is that him and my son have a relationship and I support that relationship. Nothing more nothing less. We communicate only when its regarding our son. He hasn’t tried to come back into my life and vice versa we keep the focus on our son. Thanks for this awesome website and these wonderful posts!!! Good luck to everyone who is healing or healed from dealing with these type of men!

]]> By: 2market http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-233100 2market Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:21:33 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-233100 Of course, my x decided the grass was greener on the other side. Chose to be co-dependent immediately with someone else right as he told me so long. I keep everything strictly as business partners. And have told him it is time to establish a relationship with our children. Now of course you can't really do that with really young children, but it was pretty easy on this end because he did not want to sit or be in the same room as me. Good job! I didn't realize how all of the wonderful things were going to fall in place as they did. Kudos to us! Thank you Lord!!!! Of course, my x decided the grass was greener on the other side. Chose to be co-dependent immediately with someone else right as he told me so long.
I keep everything strictly as business partners. And have told him it is time to establish a relationship with our children. Now of course you can’t really do that with really young children, but it was pretty easy on this end because he did not want to sit or be in the same room as me.
Good job! I didn’t realize how all of the wonderful things were going to fall in place as they did. Kudos to us! Thank you Lord!!!!

]]> By: txwoman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-233083 txwoman Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:32:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-233083 I had a real lulu with an eum, and unfortunately had one child with him. I never said anything bad about him around my son. When my son got to the age of 14, he decided he wanted to live with his father. It broke my heart, but it is what he wanted, so I granted his wish. Believe it or not, my son came back to me after one year of living with his father, and, he found out what a real aclown he really is. It is great, because I never had to say anything bad about him, his lovely actions told his son what a total loser he really is. Hang in there ladies, things will get better. I had a real lulu with an eum, and unfortunately had one child with him. I never said anything bad about him around my son. When my son got to the age of 14, he decided he wanted to live with his father. It broke my heart, but it is what he wanted, so I granted his wish. Believe it or not, my son came back to me after one year of living with his father, and, he found out what a real aclown he really is. It is great, because I never had to say anything bad about him, his lovely actions told his son what a total loser he really is. Hang in there ladies, things will get better.

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-218797 Brad K. Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:14:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-218797 @ All Woman, I am glad going the formal route helped. For many people this is the case, but there are the scary ones that take heroic efforts to get them away from you. Glad yours isn't that bad. I hope life continues to recover. Not the least of which is for the children. They need the examples of sanity and acceptance and dependable parenting and adult behavior. Which isn't possible when adults are twisting about each other. This sounds like a much better place to raise your kids. Blessed be! @ Gaynor, I was hoping that was the case! You have all my admiration. I have to respect anyone that finds their way back from the EUM swamps. Enjoy! @ All Woman,

I am glad going the formal route helped. For many people this is the case, but there are the scary ones that take heroic efforts to get them away from you. Glad yours isn’t that bad. I hope life continues to recover.

Not the least of which is for the children. They need the examples of sanity and acceptance and dependable parenting and adult behavior. Which isn’t possible when adults are twisting about each other. This sounds like a much better place to raise your kids.

Blessed be!

@ Gaynor,

I was hoping that was the case! You have all my admiration. I have to respect anyone that finds their way back from the EUM swamps.

Enjoy!

]]> By: nysharon http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217711 nysharon Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:23:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217711 Just think that someday you will be where I am now with my ex. I look out the window as he drops my daughter off, hugs her and I feel touched but nothing else. Indifferent. Keeping it all business got me there. Just think that someday you will be where I am now with my ex. I look out the window as he drops my daughter off, hugs her and I feel touched but nothing else. Indifferent. Keeping it all business got me there.

]]> By: all woman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217586 all woman Thu, 19 Feb 2009 05:45:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217586 It took me a couple years after ending the relationship w/my ex-eum to really truly realize that I was participating still in his 'madness' (that's all I can call this because it made me feel mad). We have children and each visit or call would be his opportunity to act similarly to Kristen's. Brad has it right....it was when I decided to legally file for custody and child support that keeping everything business really came home to me. There was no other reason for chit-chat. He acted more and more like an ass because his paycheck was now garnished and his visitations were SCHEDULED (no drop ins, no random calls), but I shut him down. I swear, I used to think, "if I had no children I would not have to deal with him, I would be free," but the truth was, I was blind to my own responsibility in keeping my ex-eum an active part of my life, even after the end of the relationship. I left him in 2006. It took me until half into 2007 before I took him to court. It has only been 8 months that the ex-EUM is regulated and does not bother me (he just does not affect me anymore). On a side note, thanks to this website, I realized in the last 8 months my constant need for an EUM and I have been on a dating and SEX hiatus until May (total of 6 months)! Valentine's Day I celebrated being single. loving me, and the friendships I have been nuturing. Onwards and upwards ladies! It took me a couple years after ending the relationship w/my ex-eum to really truly realize that I was participating still in his
‘madness’ (that’s all I can call this because it made me feel mad). We have children and each visit or call would be his opportunity to act similarly to Kristen’s. Brad has it right….it was when I decided to legally file for custody and child support that keeping everything business really came home to me. There was no other reason for chit-chat. He acted more and more like an ass because his paycheck was now garnished and his visitations were SCHEDULED (no drop ins, no random calls), but I shut him down.

I swear, I used to think, “if I had no children I would not have to deal with him, I would be free,” but the truth was, I was blind to my own responsibility in keeping my ex-eum an active part of my life, even after the end of the relationship.

I left him in 2006. It took me until half into 2007 before I took him to court. It has only been 8 months that the ex-EUM is regulated and does not bother me (he just does not affect me anymore).

On a side note, thanks to this website, I realized in the last 8 months my constant need for an EUM and I have been on a dating and SEX hiatus until May (total of 6 months)! Valentine’s Day I celebrated being single. loving me, and the friendships I have been nuturing. Onwards and upwards ladies!

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217524 Gaynor Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:56:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217524 Brad, Brad, Brad, I hope I didn't offend!! I don't hang out at singles bars or use the Internet as a dating tool. I don't go for the "hottie." I am interested in a man who is honest loving, funny, open-minded, educated and passionate about most things in life, unfortunately this is not an easy task. I have many different interests-which I've written about on the site-and friends and hope to meet that special someone through them. Brad, Brad, Brad,

I hope I didn’t offend!!

I don’t hang out at singles bars or use the Internet as a dating tool.

I don’t go for the “hottie.” I am interested in a man who is honest loving, funny, open-minded, educated and passionate about most things in life, unfortunately this is not an easy task. I have many different interests-which I’ve written about on the site-and friends and hope to meet that special someone through them.

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217518 Brad K. Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:18:07 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217518 Astelle, Gaynor - please tell me you aren't hanging out at singles functions and finding that the dysfunction bedmate-cowboys act like bedmate-cowboys.. American men also work in hardware stores and grocery stores, they attend church and school board meetings and jog and walk and play disc golf in the park. Many of the guys with the best character, the honesty, compassion to be a great mate - gave up on singles bars and aren't actively looking for someone. But their friends know who they are, and you might notice them at their work place. Don't look for the hotties - those most likely to be highly skilled at winning bedmates - which might be a thrill to meet and .. ahem .. "bump pelvises" (Gina Davis, "Long Kiss Goodnight"). But they won't be giving up that skill at winning bedmates. Network, spend more time with happily (or at least, content) married and coupled people. Kristen, Pretend. If we pretend long enough, and hard enough - it can come true. When he shows up to interact about the kids, pretend to be an almost hostile, defensive social worker. I haven't actually met one, but be creative. You need to be reserved and polite with the guy, for your sake and for the children. Keep in mind, that he doesn't deserve any information about you that you wouldn't share with you neighbor three doors down - and that shouldn't be very much at all. Your letter doesn't state whether you were married to him, whether you are divorced, whether he has ever established paternity (is his name on the birth certificates, did he establish any court or school records, etc.). If the relationship was never formalized, you may still want to establish a legal relationship. You also didn't mention whether he was paying child support. Child support would be a reasonable basis for him to maintain an honest relationship with the kids, but don't hold the kids hostage over money. You might want to talk to a lawyer to be sure that you have made legal provisions for his relationship with your children. And please set out to make some new friends, women that you respect. Someone that you couldn't imagine keeping from them when he slept over - but you couldn't imagine that they would approve. Standing on your own is important. Yet we need to have a support network for in-between moments and for daily joys. We need a community as well as a family. Blessed be. Astelle, Gaynor – please tell me you aren’t hanging out at singles functions and finding that the dysfunction bedmate-cowboys act like bedmate-cowboys.. American men also work in hardware stores and grocery stores, they attend church and school board meetings and jog and walk and play disc golf in the park.

Many of the guys with the best character, the honesty, compassion to be a great mate – gave up on singles bars and aren’t actively looking for someone. But their friends know who they are, and you might notice them at their work place. Don’t look for the hotties – those most likely to be highly skilled at winning bedmates – which might be a thrill to meet and .. ahem .. “bump pelvises” (Gina Davis, “Long Kiss Goodnight”). But they won’t be giving up that skill at winning bedmates. Network, spend more time with happily (or at least, content) married and coupled people.

Kristen,

Pretend. If we pretend long enough, and hard enough – it can come true. When he shows up to interact about the kids, pretend to be an almost hostile, defensive social worker. I haven’t actually met one, but be creative. You need to be reserved and polite with the guy, for your sake and for the children. Keep in mind, that he doesn’t deserve any information about you that you wouldn’t share with you neighbor three doors down – and that shouldn’t be very much at all.

Your letter doesn’t state whether you were married to him, whether you are divorced, whether he has ever established paternity (is his name on the birth certificates, did he establish any court or school records, etc.). If the relationship was never formalized, you may still want to establish a legal relationship. You also didn’t mention whether he was paying child support. Child support would be a reasonable basis for him to maintain an honest relationship with the kids, but don’t hold the kids hostage over money.

You might want to talk to a lawyer to be sure that you have made legal provisions for his relationship with your children.

And please set out to make some new friends, women that you respect. Someone that you couldn’t imagine keeping from them when he slept over – but you couldn’t imagine that they would approve. Standing on your own is important. Yet we need to have a support network for in-between moments and for daily joys. We need a community as well as a family.

Blessed be.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217455 Gaynor Wed, 18 Feb 2009 05:19:43 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217455 Astelle, I'm good. What did you mean by "I ran into the old 'problems' of 'him' or 'it?' Are these new Assclowns?? I agree with the "American men" comment, and I'm American :) I am so happy that things are going well for you, and congrats on your daughter's graduation. And yes, 2009 will be a great year! All the best!!!!! Astelle,

I’m good.

What did you mean by “I ran into the old ‘problems’ of ‘him’ or ‘it?’ Are these new Assclowns??

I agree with the “American men” comment, and I’m American :)

I am so happy that things are going well for you, and congrats on your daughter’s graduation. And yes, 2009 will be a great year!

All the best!!!!!

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217448 Astelle Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:14:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217448 Hi Gaynor, how are you doing? Yes, I am dating here and there and of course I ran into the old "problems" of "him" or "it"? saying, I am busy right now and blah, blah, blah.. It doesn't discourage me at all of trying. This Saturday I am going to a big Party in my city with people from my home country and I am very excited to go, UGH, I am starting to think that American men are just way too strange or different from me. Sorry, don't want to steroe type(spelling, I have not clue) but I feel that way sometimes, but I keep on dating - as long as I am comfortable and believe in me and my values and boundaries. I am not afraid to be alone - have been alone for a while, life is good and I feel good. There is so much for me to look forward to this year: my baby girl will graduate from High School this summer and go to College, I will make a trip to my country in the summer, have not been home in 3 years!! So, I am excited, 2009 will be good! Hi Gaynor, how are you doing? Yes, I am dating here and there and of course I ran into the old “problems” of “him” or “it”? saying, I am busy right now and blah, blah, blah.. It doesn’t discourage me at all of trying.
This Saturday I am going to a big Party in my city with people from my home country and I am very excited to go, UGH, I am starting to think that American men are just way too strange or different from me.
Sorry, don’t want to steroe type(spelling, I have not clue) but I feel that way sometimes, but I keep on dating – as long as I am comfortable and believe in me and my values and boundaries.
I am not afraid to be alone – have been alone for a while, life is good and I feel good. There is so much for me to look forward to this year:
my baby girl will graduate from High School this summer and go to College, I will make a trip to my country in the summer, have not been home in 3 years!! So, I am excited, 2009 will be good!

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217446 Gaynor Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:38:16 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217446 Hi Astelle, Are you dating now? Hi Astelle,

Are you dating now?

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-217436 Astelle Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:29:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-how-do-i-stick-to-no-contact-when-we-have-kids/#comment-217436 My ex-husband likes to be in control - even after the divorce - he would like to know what is going on in my life. When I found this website and got the best advice ever from NML while dealing with an EUM, I realized that my ex-husband is the same type of men!!! Well, when I say realized, I am probably lying, because everybody around me pointed it out, but no, I didn't see it. Of course not... I limited contact with my ex-husband,only E-mails, no phone calls, because he doesn't talk to me, he talks at me, pushes and manipulates. It took him a while to realize the new Astelle with boundaries and in any e-mail (about the kids) he is very respectful and still asks me : can I call you to discuss even so he knows the answer is no, but he still tries. I don't ask him in anymore when he picks up my son, I am friendly to him, say hi and bye and that this it. It took me a looong time to understand "control", I could not understand why a human being wants to control another human being, I may never totally understand it, but I know now when to stay away. I will always love him in a way, he is the father of my kids, but I can't stand him, can't stand what he does, if that makes sense. Kristen, I don't know how old your kids are, but the issue that you don't tell him about the kids anymore is pure lazyness on his part. He should be involved in their life. School? Everything is posted on their websites, you can get grades, schedules, homework assignments, lunch menu and so on. Unless you want him back, you have to keep him at a distance. Don't ever use the kids as messengers or as a tool to get back at him or to get him back, their well being is more important than him. NML gave you great advice, take it and believe it. I have been divorced for a while now and he was still in control - his Mom pointed it out to me as well, she said to me: he will always try to run your life if you let him. I feel good, I know I finally did the right thing when it comes to my ex-husband or the A**clown ,who really broke my heart, looking back, he was just an extension of my ex-husband, a lesson for me to learn to finally break loose of these type of men. So, be careful when you meet the next guy and take good care of your kids and yourself, you deserve it. :) My ex-husband likes to be in control – even after the divorce – he would like to know what is going on in my life. When I found this website and got the best advice ever from NML while dealing with an EUM, I realized that my ex-husband is the same type of men!!!
Well, when I say realized, I am probably lying, because everybody around me pointed it out, but no, I didn’t see it. Of course not…

I limited contact with my ex-husband,only E-mails, no phone calls, because he doesn’t talk to me, he talks at me, pushes and manipulates. It took him a while to realize the new Astelle with boundaries and in any e-mail (about the kids) he is very respectful and still asks me : can I call you to discuss even so he knows the answer is no, but he still tries.
I don’t ask him in anymore when he picks up my son, I am friendly to him, say hi and bye and that this it.
It took me a looong time to understand “control”, I could not understand why a human being wants to control another human being, I may never totally understand it, but I know now when to stay away.
I will always love him in a way, he is the father of my kids, but I can’t stand him, can’t stand what he does, if that makes sense.
Kristen, I don’t know how old your kids are, but the issue that you don’t tell him about the kids anymore is pure lazyness on his part. He should be involved in their life. School? Everything is posted on their websites, you can get grades, schedules, homework assignments, lunch menu and so on.
Unless you want him back, you have to keep him at a distance.
Don’t ever use the kids as messengers or as a tool to get back at him or to get him back, their well being is more important than him.
NML gave you great advice, take it and believe it.
I have been divorced for a while now and he was still in control – his Mom pointed it out to me as well, she said to me: he will always try to run your life if you let him.
I feel good, I know I finally did the right thing when it comes to my ex-husband or the A**clown ,who really broke my heart, looking back, he was just an extension of my ex-husband, a lesson for me to learn to finally break loose of these type of men.
So, be careful when you meet the next guy and take good care of your kids and yourself, you deserve it. :)

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