When he used “love” (words, promises, whatever) as a weapon against you to try to get the sex, and didn’t, he left.

Good for you!

When he came back, you used sex–and got “love”–the convoluted “I-want-you-because-I-can’t-have-you-anymore” “love”.

Thank GOD you didn’t care anymore.

And, if you take him back, the song and dance will only start over.

These people have mental issues, period.

Thought I’d established firm boundaries by letting him taste the sex but holding back on the full meal deal until he learned to behave. Well, he didn’t. Wild stallions always disappear to search for greener pastures.

But when the grass gets dry and sparse out there, he sooner or later comes back, and sure enough in the interim your pasture has had the time to heal, grow green and fertile again. Lazy arse always eating fruit from someone’s garden, never grows his own damn fruit or cultivates his lawn, always grabbing what he can get for free.

So . . . how sweet it was to finally turn the tables, freak him out with the best sex he ever had out unawares out of the blue and then throw him out in the wee hours of the morning.

Sure enough he called, called again, and kept calling the next morning to soothe his wounded ego but you know, you gotta relish the fact you just don’t give a damn anymore.

And the minute you actually don’t give a damn, is when they do.

Murphy’s law? I call it the Assclown Anomaly, and like a mathematical equation, never fails. These guys fall into and follow a predictable pattern.

Life’s too precious to live it looking in your rearview mirror. That’s a good way to crash.

I have an ex whom I was trying to remain friends with. He, of course, started sleeping with other women and soon felt that he could speak to me like a two-bit whore. Now mind you, when we were in a relationship he knew not to cross boundaries, but because he’s now back to his past behaviors of doing whatever he wants with multiple women, he feels like he can call me up and ask about sleeping with me. I tried to warn him nicely that we were no longer together and that I’d cut him off if he didn’t stop his vulgar talking, but he refused to listen. He then sent me a text message saying that he missed me and got mad when I said to him “Your word and actions do not match. Therefore, your words are empty. What do you expect me to say?”

Needless to say, I ignored him and deleted him out of my phone. Can’t be bothered with foolishness.

Great post! What strikes me is just how difficult it is, to set boundaries when you are already in a relationship. It seems to be about the same pit of despair as a drunk hitting bottom for the last time – and getting help, rehab, and having to leave the old life behind.

I mean, healthy people don’t get into relationships with bozos and abusers. The EUMs and Bozos don’t just mess up with one thing – cheat, lie, blow hot and cold, refuse to communicate, isolate you – they do bits of all of that, under an umbrella of disrespect. So to consider setting a boundary, and meaning it, we also have to face ourselves, that what we have been and accepted has to be abandoned. We have to examine every thought, every act, every conversation for respect, self-respect, honor, and generosity, as well as self defence. Living worthwhile boundaries has to start with recognizing that any disrespect is too much, disrespect toward us or for ourselves.

And we have to accept that deciding to set, and live, boundaries may well cost us our current way of living, our friends and acquaintances, our partner. Perhaps we may find we need distance from some or all of our family as well.

We have to move to the “land of respect” – and guard the borders against all disrespect, any violation of sensible boundaries.

It hurts to read, right out loud, in print, that someone has to set boundaries about “no cheating”. That should be fundamental in any relationship. No one should have to be told, “Don’t hurt your partner.” And it hurts to realize that we have to confront just that failure of character. Because no one can cheat with any slightest bit of self respect, of honor, of attachment – of any bit of feeling embraced in a relationship.

Rather than take a cheater back, the first time, it should be crystal clear – the cheater was never really there the first time. The only relationship was in our imagination. The boundary is simply recognizing that we have been putting up with an unhealthy individual, that there never really was a relationship.

Unacceptable is a tough word to throw around. Because it is very black and white. There are no more shades to “unacceptable” than to “dead”. It is or it isn’t, there isn’t any interpretation, no going back.

Is there room in life for forgiveness, for mistakes? Sure. If we are honest, respectful, honorable, and forgiveness is actually good for all involved.

And that is why our partner, already challenged to act like a real human being, won’t be grateful or better behaved for being let off the hook – we just proved to our partner we have no more morals, ethics, or self respect than they do. All that would be left would be an arrangement of convenience, unhealthy roommates with benefits.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..PDAs – Love, sex, home, and community =-.

peace and quiet is what I have found without him. one month NC today, it’s been really tough, but everytime I think of him I replace the thought with ‘what a waste of my precious time on this earth’!

For switching brains off, what works for me are activities that are not too mentally demanding but are at the same time very absorbing. I like handicrafts in particular, you need to totally concentrate and be in the moment, without it being a strain. Reading doesn’t really work for me, because your thoughts are not taken along a nice ‘linear’ route. Unless it’s Stephen King!

Anything rather repetitive is good also. I like doing stuff around the house, not only am I not sitting on my arse feeling sorry for myself but I also accomplish something that’s good for me.

Watching a great film (preferably funny) is also great. It steers your emotions into another direction.

Don’t ever torture yourself with thoughts of the two of them together. I have a wise friend who said a beautiful thing to me … I was tortured by thoughts of him skipping along happily after dumping me and finding a new fantastic woman.

Well the fact of the matter is that yours sounds like a total AC and so was mine and we know it. So WHY do we assume they are so happy without us? So my friend said, if you HAVE to imagine anything, then why not imagine him being old, alone and depressed, looking back on his wasted, sad life? If a guy is a cheater, I think that’s a distinct possibility!

I think my point is that its not just my romantic relationships that are not healthy – I have obviously formed unhealthy friendships too..oh well its a learning curve.

Thanks to this site, I know I’m not alone even when it seems the world is against me!

xxx

For me, it was important to know that I didn’t have to stop being a loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving person. I just had to learn the appropriate people and situtations to direct that toward. The book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend helped me see that it is NOT appropriate to help someone with something they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. Even if the other person “says” they’re not capable, if it is something a normal mature adult could handle — Heck, if it’s somthing I myself can handle (like holding down a job, being faithful, following through on my promises, etc.) — I should not be “helping” them. Or forgiving them. Or feeling sorry for them. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to act like an adult, behave considerately, cooperate or accept responsibility for his actions. And I needed to just plain accept the fact that there are ACs out there, that they are not interested in anything except what they can take, and that they are master manipulators. They CHOOSE to be this way because it works for them. I just need to learn how to guard these good qualities that I have — this love, kindness, compassion — so that they are not used to support the ends of someone whose values I despise. Something about “casting your pearls before swine,” I think.

I have found that i no longer WANT to be around someone who is causing me anxiety and unhappiness. I don’t think that’s a relationship anymore…

I don’t think you CAN announce mid-course to a EUM that now you have boundaries and still expect him to change. He won’t, it just doesn’t work like that. Nobody goes from ass*** to Prince because you’ve enlightened them that now you have healthy self-esteem.

And when you DO have self-esteem, the ass*** no longer looks good to you – you’d rather not be ina relationship with one.