Comments on: Reader Question: Is control more important for Mr Unavailable than being with you? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/ Getting you savvy, smart, sussed and sexy about dating and relationships. Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:05:24 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: Kim2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190829 Kim2 Sun, 21 Sep 2008 12:56:53 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190829 I love the 'junk food' analogy! Thank you for this post. The past week has been a rough one and I needed to read this. Everything you wrote hit home. I did bet on potential... he did reinforce all the negative things I think about myself... and worst of all I did decide that I loved him before I got to know him. I love the ‘junk food’ analogy!

Thank you for this post. The past week has been a rough one and I needed to read this. Everything you wrote hit home. I did bet on potential… he did reinforce all the negative things I think about myself… and worst of all I did decide that I loved him before I got to know him.

]]> By: Ashley http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190592 Ashley Sat, 20 Sep 2008 17:21:53 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190592 Great post NML. It definitely resonates with me. I've been working hard at focusing on me and letting my ex EUM go. He doesn't come around anymore or try to reel me in like he has in the past. I still see him from time to time at work and I am pleasant, but I keep my distance. It's a fragile balance and I am aware that I could fall back if I am not vigilant in my efforts not to. What struck me about this post was how the control is also an issue for Fallback Girls. See, since my ex-EUM has given up on manipulating me - there is still an element in me that is tempted to manipulate him. I'm not because I keep reminding myself that it's not worth the pain. Also, he doesn't deserve my attention after what a joke of a relationship we had. But, I need to pay attention to my temptation to go back to a guy that sure - is charming -but could never give me what I wanted and would always, always underdeliver. Part of it is lonliness. I have a few romantic prospects but it's slow moving. My ex-EUM is like going to McDonalds and having a quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and lots of ketchup. He's junk food. Taste great while eating and for a short while after. But then you spend the next three days cursing yourself for eating that junk. So I keep telling myself - every door that closes, another window opens and I wait it out. Last night I had wine filled lunch with a group of friends - we have this lunch every six months. Six months ago, after the lunch, I called my ex-EUM. That reaching out started up flirtation again that ended up in our hooking up a couple times, lots of emails, manipulation and my hurting myself all over again. Anyway - yesterday did I feel the temptation to reach out? Sure I did. Not as much as in the past but it was still there. But I resisted. And I had a great night's sleep. I got a workout in this morning, was in a good mood, got my errands done and now am being productive in the office. (except for reading and contributing to this blog :-) ). Is he here - maybe - but I am NOT going to check and see. I am going to do my work, and then leave to go meet my friends and enjoy this beautiful Saturday. So - I'm making progress. Not compelely healed but soon. I definitely agree - Fallback Girls may like to control their situation. Maybe we don't know what "healthy relationships" feel like. We could be creatures of habit and just acting out of lonliness because we know how to get a reaction. But - we need to stop. The reaction only gives us happiness for a short time. It's time to reach for the real thing - and that is worth the wait and the hard work. Great post NML. It definitely resonates with me. I’ve been working hard at focusing on me and letting my ex EUM go. He doesn’t come around anymore or try to reel me in like he has in the past. I still see him from time to time at work and I am pleasant, but I keep my distance. It’s a fragile balance and I am aware that I could fall back if I am not vigilant in my efforts not to.

What struck me about this post was how the control is also an issue for Fallback Girls. See, since my ex-EUM has given up on manipulating me - there is still an element in me that is tempted to manipulate him.

I’m not because I keep reminding myself that it’s not worth the pain. Also, he doesn’t deserve my attention after what a joke of a relationship we had. But, I need to pay attention to my temptation to go back to a guy that sure - is charming -but could never give me what I wanted and would always, always underdeliver.

Part of it is lonliness. I have a few romantic prospects but it’s slow moving. My ex-EUM is like going to McDonalds and having a quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and lots of ketchup. He’s junk food. Taste great while eating and for a short while after. But then you spend the next three days cursing yourself for eating that junk.

So I keep telling myself - every door that closes, another window opens and I wait it out.

Last night I had wine filled lunch with a group of friends - we have this lunch every six months. Six months ago, after the lunch, I called my ex-EUM. That reaching out started up flirtation again that ended up in our hooking up a couple times, lots of emails, manipulation and my hurting myself all over again.

Anyway - yesterday did I feel the temptation to reach out? Sure I did. Not as much as in the past but it was still there. But I resisted. And I had a great night’s sleep. I got a workout in this morning, was in a good mood, got my errands done and now am being productive in the office. (except for reading and contributing to this blog :-) ). Is he here - maybe - but I am NOT going to check and see. I am going to do my work, and then leave to go meet my friends and enjoy this beautiful Saturday. So - I’m making progress. Not compelely healed but soon.

I definitely agree - Fallback Girls may like to control their situation. Maybe we don’t know what “healthy relationships” feel like. We could be creatures of habit and just acting out of lonliness because we know how to get a reaction.

But - we need to stop. The reaction only gives us happiness for a short time. It’s time to reach for the real thing - and that is worth the wait and the hard work.

]]> By: lisaq http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190562 lisaq Sat, 20 Sep 2008 14:12:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190562 Ugh flashbacks! I've been in so many relationships where control was an issue...a couple of narcissists thrown in for good measure. I've always know I had to be careful of those narcissistic tendencies in myself because of my narcissistic drama mama. So in some respects I kept control over my control needs (haha..control over my control) but I never really realized my need for it in relationships. Ugh flashbacks! I’ve been in so many relationships where control was an issue…a couple of narcissists thrown in for good measure. I’ve always know I had to be careful of those narcissistic tendencies in myself because of my narcissistic drama mama. So in some respects I kept control over my control needs (haha..control over my control) but I never really realized my need for it in relationships.

]]> By: myalmostlover http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190452 myalmostlover Sat, 20 Sep 2008 01:53:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190452 OOOOPS I hit the send button before I was ready...LOL. Well to finish my thought . Now I know that I will never let another man treat me this way again, EVER. Recently a man I was interested in, who I gave my number to, started playing games with me. He would call me and then say he was going to call the next day but wouldn't' call until two or three days, later with no explanation.. I no longer talk to him. I won't be disrespected. If you say you're going to call then call. Don't say it if you don't mean it. He called me last night and I ignored him. I won't be speaking to him again. Before I read your book NML I probably would have let him get away with that. Before I realized how badly my ex EUM treated me, how I TRAINED HIM to treat me, I probably would have fallen back into that pattern again. Not anymore. I have too much respect for myself to put up with that crap. Thanks NML for having the insight to learn from your EUM experiences and share them with us. You really are helping so many women understand this terrible relationship hell they find themselves in. Even if it takes 10 go arounds with NC, it's worth it. I am moving on, meeting other men, living my life and feeling stronger every day. I'm not completely there but I know that I'll make it this time. OOOOPS I hit the send button before I was ready…LOL. Well to finish my thought
.
Now I know that I will never let another man treat me this way again, EVER. Recently a man I was interested in, who I gave my number to, started playing games with me. He would call me and then say he was going to call the next day but wouldn’t’ call until two or three days, later with no explanation.. I no longer talk to him. I won’t be disrespected. If you say you’re going to call then call. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. He called me last night and I ignored him. I won’t be speaking to him again. Before I read your book NML I probably would have let him get away with that. Before I realized how badly my ex EUM treated me, how I TRAINED HIM to treat me, I probably would have fallen back into that pattern again. Not anymore. I have too much respect for myself to put up with that crap.

Thanks NML for having the insight to learn from your EUM experiences and share them with us. You really are helping so many women understand this terrible relationship hell they find themselves in. Even if it takes 10 go arounds with NC, it’s worth it.

I am moving on, meeting other men, living my life and feeling stronger every day. I’m not completely there but I know that I’ll make it this time.

]]> By: myalmostlover http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190450 myalmostlover Sat, 20 Sep 2008 01:35:32 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190450 I just started NC again but not with first breaking up with him. It really felt so good to say all the things I've been holding in these last few years. I told him that we couldn't be "friends'...that going from lovers to friends does not work. I told him that I want to be number one in a man's life, not number two, three or four. We have broken up several times over the last few months, I've done NC as well and have broken it but this seems different. I don't feel that obsession that I almost always felt before like thinking of him constantly, who he's with, what they might be doing That can drive a person crazy. Right now, today, I'm focusing on myself., I have a date next week. I'm feeling a fog lifting, like I've been asleep for two years and just waking up. If I hadn't found this site and downloaded your book NML I think I would still crying and deluded ove this man. I really didn't know what as wrong with me and why I was behaving the way I was until I read your ebook. Now I know that I I just started NC again but not with first breaking up with him. It really felt so good to say all the things I’ve been holding in these last few years. I told him that we couldn’t be “friends’…that going from lovers to friends does not work. I told him that I want to be number one in a man’s life, not number two, three or four. We have broken up several times over the last few months, I’ve done NC as well and have broken it but this seems different. I don’t feel that obsession that I almost always felt before like thinking of him constantly, who he’s with, what they might be doing That can drive a person crazy.

Right now, today, I’m focusing on myself., I have a date next week. I’m feeling a fog lifting, like I’ve been asleep for two years and just waking up. If I hadn’t found this site and downloaded your book NML I think I would still crying and deluded ove this man. I really didn’t know what as wrong with me and why I was behaving the way I was until I read your ebook. Now I know that I

]]> By: shootingstar67 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190396 shootingstar67 Fri, 19 Sep 2008 20:49:09 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190396 I think I don't love myself enough to protect myself and make the right decision for me. I do fine sometimes, but then I slip and end up with guys like Steve. That scares me. I knew he was emotionally abusive. I had vowed to leave next time I was in such a situation but there I stayed. How I ended up with him was scary. It was if it was fate and out of my hands. I think I might carry this illness within me forever like any other addict. I must take it one day at a time and never let my guard down. But somehow, I must not give up on love either. a good mantra for me is "I will stay away from those who make me uncomfortable or hurt me" and "I will not take up the slack in this relationship" I think I don’t love myself enough to protect myself and make the right decision for me. I do fine sometimes, but then I slip and end up with guys like Steve. That scares me.

I knew he was emotionally abusive. I had vowed to leave next time I was in such a situation but there I stayed.

How I ended up with him was scary. It was if it was fate and out of my hands.

I think I might carry this illness within me forever like any other addict. I must take it one day at a time and never let my guard down. But somehow, I must not give up on love either.

a good mantra for me is “I will stay away from those who make me uncomfortable or hurt me” and “I will not take up the slack in this relationship”

]]> By: annied http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190357 annied Fri, 19 Sep 2008 16:55:33 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190357 Yup. I'm guilty of all that as well. I'm shaking my head at myself. What a waste of 2 years of my life! I'm on day 31 of NC from the EUM that I let suck the very soul out of me into nothingness. NML, your posts help so much. What I recently discovered about myself is that because I had no clue what I wanted from a man, I let myself bend to his way of thinking. When I found I didnt like it, I forced myself to bend to his way of thinking. I fought it the entire time we were together, but never let him go - because, just maybe he would change. .... LOL. Good one! I was never even a person to him. Just an object. He is like a dog digging for a bone. He cant tell you why he wants that bone (he really doesnt care why) he just wants it! Finally, finally I am changing. I'm not even going back to my old self, I'm going to change into a new improved self! I am going to love myself and respect myself and spend some quality time with that special someone ... myself! :D Yup. I’m guilty of all that as well. I’m shaking my head at myself. What a waste of 2 years of my life! I’m on day 31 of NC from the EUM that I let suck the very soul out of me into nothingness.

NML, your posts help so much. What I recently discovered about myself is that because I had no clue what I wanted from a man, I let myself bend to his way of thinking. When I found I didnt like it, I forced myself to bend to his way of thinking. I fought it the entire time we were together, but never let him go - because, just maybe he would change. ….

LOL. Good one! I was never even a person to him. Just an object. He is like a dog digging for a bone. He cant tell you why he wants that bone (he really doesnt care why) he just wants it!

Finally, finally I am changing. I’m not even going back to my old self, I’m going to change into a new improved self! I am going to love myself and respect myself and spend some quality time with that special someone … myself! :D

]]> By: Loving Annie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-is-control-more-important-for-mr-unavailable-than-being-with-you/#comment-190344 Loving Annie Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:51:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1284#comment-190344 I love how you shoot straight from the hip, and how accurate you are, NML. You are right, I have been guilty of ALL of the above. What I love even more is that by reading here every day and keeping conscious of it, I know I won't be blind again anymore, ever. And if I ever start to falter, I'll go back again and re-read the e-book. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON OPRAH, NML ? More people ought to be able to know how wonderful your inisghts are !!! I love how you shoot straight from the hip, and how accurate you are, NML. You are right, I have been guilty of ALL of the above.

What I love even more is that by reading here every day and keeping conscious of it, I know I won’t be blind again anymore, ever. And if I ever start to falter, I’ll go back again and re-read the e-book.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE ON OPRAH, NML ? More people ought to be able to know how wonderful your inisghts are !!!

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