This was painful to read, but so very similar to my own experience. I am sorry that you went through what you did, and so grateful that you took the time to share your story so that others might see the signs and learn. I knew without a doubt that things would have to change when X. declared one day that he would “never” get a divorce. Didn’t even think about how that might make me feel. He says that he needs to stay legally separated so that he can prevent his ex from squandering their finances/kids’ inheritance on an ill-thought out relationship with another guy. He’s clearly a control-freak, and has made managing his ex and kids his purpose. He is unable to see that he is having difficulty letting go of this relationship, no matter how ‘awful’ it was. Not my job to convince him of that. I can only conclude that I was the ‘soft place to land’ for this self-centered individual that I never wanted to be, and said as much up front. It’s true that people often overestimate what they are truly ready for following breakdown of a long-term relationship. It felt awful to feel like a convenience, to have the relationship ‘compartmentalized’, and so forth. I kept thinking that he would’ve treated someone else better, but now I believe he wouldn’t have had that opportunity : few women with good self-esteem would’ve gone for what was on offer. The moment I asked to meet to discuss things, and hopefully wrap them up ‘nicely’ (I always hope for good terms, but it’s not to be), he became evasive and eventually disappeared. My needs were never important to him. A sounding board is meant to be just that, not to to talk back, or have actual wants and needs, as they say! Sad to say, I miss those daily phone calls (all about him, I might add), and that feeling of being ‘attached’ or connected, as false as that really was. I often worry about how he views me (as a fool? an idiot? as a waste of time?), but I am learning to re-focus on myself and my needs. I think that this could’ve been avoided if I had read the signs and believed them, as well as had a surer sense of my own values and what I require to be happy. I’ve learned so much from NML’s articles. Can’t say that I will make a mistake like this again…Hope that someone better-suited will cross my path eventually.

Wishing all posters here the best as they move forward…

This man went into hot pursuit days after we had our first date; he sent flowers, called, texted, wined and dined me…he was literally tripping over himself to be with me!! He basically told me everything I wanted to hear..He was kind, thoughtful, sweet, nurturing and a great dad, which I respected. In a matter of weeks, we were very hot and heavy. I tried to pace things, but this guy was in love…and nothing would stop him…

The first red flag came about a month into it, when he had a huge phone blow out with his wife in my bathroom. He came out, looking dejected, and eventually told me that he was thinking of going back to his wife, not because he loved her, but “for the kids’ sake…” because she had threatened to move his kids out of state. I immediately told him to leave my house and leave me alone. I was crushed and disappointed, but life would go on..

A few days later, he calls me telling me how stupid he was and how he wants to stay with me and he made a mistake and he never wants to be apart from me. Like a dumb ass, I took him back. Things were good for a while, then months followed where he never, ever had time for me…I was dead last on his list of priorities…I would see him once in a while only when he had time, due to his other “family” responsibilities. He was always upset, stressed and would try to spend time with me, but was always preoccupied and emotionally distant… It got so frustrating and maddening to feel like my time with him had to revolve around his schedule…and if I said anything, he would make me feel needy or guilty for needing more “couple time” with him, even though I only asked for one evening a week. (Fine, if you have so little time, then you should not be dating.) I have two kids myself, so I appreciate family time, but this guy never had a spare minute…yet he tried to fit me in, kept calling, kept making promises of OUR future together, yes, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, yes, he loves me, etc, etc…I met his family, we spent holidays with his family, after a few months, our children started having play dates together.. He did not have a lot of time, but he was consistent in his actions, did contact me when apart and ACTED like we were in a committed relationship. I was really starting to believe that he was “the one”..

And then, one day outta the blue, after 9 months of waiting around, being patient and just trying to “give him time” to sort things out, I confronted him and asked him when his divorce would be final, if he was committed to our relationship and how we would be proceeding as a couple..I had sensed some emotional distance from him and he had been evading my question of when the divorce would be final for several weeks now. Well, he waffled, he stuttered and kept saying: “I love you, but,…I need to spend time with my kids”..”I love you, but, I’m just too overwhelmed”..I finally dragged it out of him that his feelings for me had changed..he told me somedays he felt like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and other days, he was confused and thought he did not know what he wants.

After months of being flexible, patient and listening to him tell me how much I meant to him and how happy we would be together after he was divorced, he told me that “he was no longer sure if he even wanted a relationship with me after the divorce was final”….

Can anybody say “transitional woman”? I felt like such a fool. I cried so hard. That was it? Why was I fighting for this relationship alone? Why was he here in my house, hanging around with my kids, going to little league games and school concerts with us? Why was he pretending to be in a relationship with me if he was unsure? How long had he felt like this? Months, he said…How long would he have kept up this charade of being in a relationship with me? It really really hurt. And I never saw it coming.

The lesson here is: Separated = Married. It really does….You can’t be kinda married, just like you can’t be kinda pregnant. Marriage is serious business, and until a person is completely free from the ex, and has come to peace with the divorce and has really moved on, (meaning, done the emotional work, gone through grieving, therapy, etc..) then plain and simple, they are not emotionally available for a relationship. No matter what they say or how they act..eventually, it will surface. Most of the time, these “separated” guys are so traumatized and in need of attention and love that they mistakenly believe they are ready….In my case, it took 9 months to show.. It could have been worse; at least I was not with him for years!! Ladies, if you meet a nice “separated” man..save yourself a lot of pain and heartache and tell him to contact you in a few years, AFTER the divorce and AFTER he has healed!

A few months ago, I briefly dated a separated man. I let him kiss me ONCE, but I never slept with him. I found out that one of the main reasons he was separated was because he had cheated on his wife numerous times (all for very good reasons…right?! Hah!) They also had a daughter, 15, who didn’t seem like a very pleasant person, so I not only told him I couldn’t see or talk to him any more, I also told him to GO FIX HIS MARRIAGE! I was married to a cheater who left me with 3 little kids when he ran off with his girlfriend. It was horrible. Don’t let these men get away with it! ALWAYS do the right thing, you’ll never regret it. Good luck!

I met someone who ws separated while I was separated…and we moved in together while we both were..however I obtained a divorce. Thinking at the time that I wasn’t really looking for a real commitment, I wasn’t initially concerned about his status..things changed for me. I grew to really love this man, we have been together for 5 years now and he is still separated…has talked about divorcing first he said that it was the money…now says that he doesn’t want to hurt his “22 year old daughter”…let’s just say that woke me up..I realize now that he is unemotionally available and will never get a divorce..so as painful as it is (I need to figure out why???) I am leaving him..our condo is up for sale and I am counting my blessings…

Let me use a word that NML left out of her reply. Cheating. As in, he has a primary relationship, though that seems to waver between his marriage and his separation, but that is his primary relationship. Time spent away from that relationship – like, for instance, dating you – is cheating his primary relationship of time, energy, and attention that is already owed. Cheating. Not to mention that until the divorce is finalized, he risks committing adultery before God, the state, and the neighbors. Just because everyone does it, it doesn’t make for good character traits. In fact, just the opposite.

Here is a worn out homily to consider, to. Don’t throw good money after bad. You put honest attention and energy into this thing from the start. Once you discovered he was wildly eager to deceive you about anything (like, not being available, risks of current and future child support and/or alimony payments for life, a wife and kids he still cares for, and who knows what else) to get to chat with you. That doesn’t make his admiration and devotion “cute” or “romantic”. That means he doesn’t respect you as a companion and partner – but he does see you as a fantasy he gets to play with and put away and never have to be responsible for.

I don’t think you should wait. But just asking that question, I think, implies something unsavory. Because the issue isn’t tomorrow, and what to do then. I am convinced that he would be a disaster in your life if he showed up at your door in the next ten minutes with signed and sealed divorce in hand – and for your own good, your only choice should be to send him off forever.

His divorce, or delay is not the problem. His separation, and even deceiving you about it isn’t the problem. The delay isn’t the problem. The problem with trying to be close to this guy is that he isn’t real, he doesn’t respect himself and you – or he would never have considered asking anyone out until he was free, and was pretty sure that he had dealt with the loss of his marriage – and with whatever problems he brought to the marriage that caused it to collapse.

He picked you up, got your number – it sounds like an experienced dating technique. The last thing anyone needs for a life-partner prospect is – someone dating anyone interesting. Because the professional daters will keep dating. Promise.

In any even, his lack of character shows in asking you to wait, or defending his attention to his wife and family. The family is his responsibility. He cannot have any discipline, any decency, any honor or respect, and still spend time with you while he still has this primary relationship in his life.

Walk away from him. Now. Stop enabling this man’s cheating. You risk warping your judgment and honesty.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Read the fine print, then watch against changes =-.

These words are so simple, yet so true and, ultimately, for somebody both emotionally invested in another person (whether deserving or undeserving) and trusting in the fact that a real connection exists between them, the hardest thing to hear. But there comes a certain point when we have to look at ourselves, what we want and cut our losses. It may hurt and you may experience the occasional setback, but it’s such a liberating and ultimately inspiring moment.

I say that based on my own confusing experience. I wasn’t involved with a married/separated guy, but I was involved in a very dysfunctional long-distance “relationship” with somebody who wouldn’t commit because the time wasn’t right, geography wasn’t right, it was impossible and impractical, blah, blah. At the end of the day, all excuses and hurtful and demeaning ones. After all, that didn’t stop him from talking to me on a daily basis, sending me Christmas gifts, talking about how jealous he was when I was hanging out with other men. What in the world was he doing with somebody who didn’t fit any of his relationship requirements? He was lonely, bored and a user. But he only used me because I let him. The better question and one I started asking myself only in the painful aftermath of the situation was what in the world was I doing with somebody who didn’t even consider me a real option?

We stopped talking last February–after he refused to allow me to visit him and then suggested coming and stopping by and seeing me since work was sending him my way. That’s when I knew the madness needed to stop. I had always been one of those people who believed that “life happened” and that I just had to roll with the punches and let time work its magic, but something about our final conversation convinced me otherwise. I didn’t have to respond to his emails or gchat messages or listen to him whine about how hard his life was anymore. In short, I learned to say no (thanks to reading this blog, other books and articles about healthy relationships and boundaries) and I’m a much happier person for it.

Oddly enough, he wrote to me about a month ago–the first time in over a year–and it was clear that while he hadn’t changed in the least, I had changed dramatically. I could see him for who he was–his lack of emotional depth and foolish belief that he could just come right back and pick up where we had left off….But that ship has sailed and it no longer even makes me sad or regretful. I agree with AML and Gayle: get out now, close the door and bolt it. You’re better off alone than with this weak and confused man. Even if you believe you’ll never find a better man for yourself (and, clearly, that’s not true, though these things are never easy), better to cultivate your relationship with yourself than live according to somebody else’s time-table.

If you get out now, YOU get to make the decision and that will be easier than having him choose his ex wife (OR ANOTHER WOMAN) over you.

Where there’s one lie, there’s a pile of lies. He’s wasting your time. Get out while you only have a year invested in him, and not two , three or ten!

If he actually DOES get the divorce, personally i’d ask to see the paperwork cuz it doesn’t sound like he’s very forthcoming about the truth of their relationship

and if he’s too much of a pansy to leave her and get on with his life, who wants that? a pansy?

Wasted years. Foolish, hope-filled, delusionary years – because he was a LIAR and a manipulator.
And I lied to myself by not seeing the red flags of lots of talk and very little action.
While he was everything to me and my emotional focus — with hindsight, in cold reality I was merely his “option” and his ego stroke.
.
Natalie called it correctly. I was waaaaay more emotionally invested than he was. I was AVAILABLE – he only pretended to be.
I had cooperated in what ended up being unbelievably painful heartbreak for me. A hard lesson to learn – and ultimately a helpful one.

A man who says he is leaving hasn’t already left yet.
He isn’t free to be with you.

A man who says he is getting a divorve isn’t divorced yet, hasn’t gone through the healing process yet, in all likelihood hasn’t addressed his OWN issues that led to the deterioration of his marriage.
He isn’t free to be with you.

A man who isn’t consistently emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially and spiritually AVAILABLE to you today, this week and this month isn’t worth waiting for.
You can wait to win the lottery too.

Don’t wait for him. You don’t notice HIM waiting around for you week after month after year, do you?
And you aren’t earning his respect and loyalty by waiting. He’ll just take you for granted because he knows he’s feeding you a line of b.s. and you’re buying into it!

Get on with your life. And be with a man who you don’t have to wait for, and who wants you enough to not expect you to wait for him.
Think about it – if you REALLY want something, don’t you go after it?
If he wanted you, he’d make himself available and it would be obvious things were moving so fast that you wouldn’t be anxious or feeling time pass that shouldn’t be!
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Caterpillar to Butterfly =-.

My Father knew what he was doing. He was putting my Mom through the same flip-flopping, except, he was kinder to my Mom and scared. He apologized up and down, promising it would never happen again. I was only about 4 years old and parents don’t realize that some kids have memories as young as a 1 year old – at least I did.

My Father still cheated on my Mom. He used to use me as a tool to get out of the house, he’d have me in the car and drive over to his mistresses house. He’d carry me in his arms and the mistress was very nice to me. She used to give me my favourite candies and allowed me to drink soda while I watched tv. My Father and his mistress would go to the kitchen, quiet for a few minutes and then the arguement would start. She used to ask him, “when, when are you going to leave her?” and my Father used to say, “baby, just hang on, I just need to handle a few things about the kids and then I’ll file for divorce”. My Father strung the poor woman along and yeah, he eventually left my Mom, but he left with some new woman. My FAther was a dog and his poor mistress waited 3 years for nothing. I remember seeing her at a family party she tried to crash. She was crying, she looked like shit, she looked like she hasn’t eaten or slept and the whole family witnessed my Father’s embarassing life event. I saw her again when I was in my 20s and she remembered me… she was still unmarried, dating another married man and she was in her 50s by then, I believe. I will always remember her as the mistress who wasted her time and never learned anything from my Father.

One thing I learned from my Father, a cheater will always be a cheater. If he’s capable of doing something like this to the woman he promised God that he’d cherish, he can do something worse to anybody else. I vowed at that age NEVER stay with my husband who stray, and I didn’t.

Always do the right thing. It’s never easy, but it’s the right thing to do.

Sherry

We should never accept being an option (and don’t we teach best what we most need to learn!)

Katty – wow, that brought back memories. One of my closest friends was so in love with a guy. The estranged wife was with someone else and even had children. However my friend’s boyfriend, the separated husband, ended up accepting those children as his. My friend had no option but to leave even though he wanted her to stay. The wife and kids didn’t live in the same city.

Years later she heard from him and he was long since divorced, said he still loved her and yet he never did follow her up. She thinks it may be that if he ever came back to her the children may find out… What a mess! Luckily she had moved on!

No matter the situation, I agree with another comment above – do not get involved in ‘their’ business.

Like the old saying goes, if you love something set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, it never was.

However a footnote here is – make sure if he comes back you are not continuing to be an option. He is either serious or out that door.

Stay strong ladies (yes, I am also talking to me!) – the right one will be there when we have become the right partner.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Find True Love: What if He’s Not Interested? =-.