I’m married, he’s dying of cancer. All that aside, is he still an assclown if he disappears for weeks without an explanation? Reappears with a simple message like, and I quote: “call me. I’ve been”. Yep..not even a completed sentence! So I’m franticically worrying and I call. He won’t call me. He’s reasong being a simple “I can’t call”.

I know everyone has ‘issues’ and insecurities and there are always two sides to the story. But his whole persona tells me that he is an assclown. When you write about the characteristics of the assclown in your articles, it’s so uncanny, because you might as well be describing HIM!

So because of his lack of communication, I’m left questioning the worth of our relationship. I’m doubting my own intuition and I’m constantly second guessing myself.

I feel like he just likes to keep me there for the sake of having me there. He’s full of great words and wonderful promises..but never really comes through on those promises. If I sacrifice everything and put myself out there, I think..I know…this guy will burn me good.

Help??!!

You are my success story Nele, i’m uber excited about your second date and happy to hear that you’re no longer dating beneath you…
He sounds wonderful. Good luck…

Wondering…
Are you still thinking of your AC? Do you keep NC when he makes contact? How have your feelings for him changed?

You’ve got a fantastic attitude!!! I know you will do well.

Good luck!

Don’t, don’t, do not beat yourself up – been there done that! All of us, right? My last one is 35, equally depressed and lonely, no job (never had one), but charismatic when he wants to. From his place of loneliness and failure he looks down on everybody.

I so understand the ‘pull’ … I remember situations when I felt this incredibly motherly sympathy for him. But I know that can’t work, it just can’t. And if it does, then one of you (and it’ll be you) will suffer all throughout!

NML is right about that it all starts with self-worth and love. But that still means we have to do the painful breakup thing. I know that putting myself through this pain of completely cutting contact (love the no-contact articles!) is in itself an act of self-love and care. So although I fell for the chump I’m halfway there!

And, NML, something that might be worth exploring in an article. I think especially as women we are susceptible to the ‘Christian’ ideal of love, as in don’t judge, and love is all-suffering and c**p. I found it INCREDIBLY hard to tell myself the truth, namely that I was dating beneath myself. That the fact that I am financially stable, for example, is because I chose to work hard for it. And he just didn’t.

Guess what I did – I went back to the Bible and when I had disabused myself of these silly love-everlasting notions, I found an enormous amount of really helpful info there!

So two weeks ago I was down in the dumps, but then this guy I met on a course got in touch. And I thought, hey, why not. And he seems very much in order – kind, together, job, not pushy. Saturday is the second date! I let him do the running and planning, and he’s happy to.

CANTSTOPTHEPAIN, don’t give up on finding the best solution for yourself. With these guys, the pain will be ongoing. Without them, we only have ourselves to face and to work with, which is SO much better! Rooting for you.

FYI – I’m still staying strong – NC is in full effect.

NELE – thank you for your comment, reading your post made me realize there are other situations SO incredibly similar to mine – boundaries being crossed in my “situation” started the very first day with him trying to feel me up after being introduced at a club – and this loser is 37. NML speaks often about RED FLAGS and when you feel/notice them… I felt them and ignored them.

That’s when it all started…. but hearing all the sob stories made me want to reach out further, and had me thinking – “How can he NOT want to be with ME?!?!”

Nele – i see him and my heart completely melts, it’s like he’s so sad, depressed and lonely that it turns me on… he’s over weight, (yes somewhat successful), but socially awkward, and weird. Let me tell you he’s crossed ever boundary and my mouth waters when he’s around… i know… sick (If you go back to my first comment here – i told him to beat it and called him pathetic and worthless….he was the nicest he had ever been and HE SHOWED UP AT MY WORK WITH 2 PAIRS OF NEW SHOES….

NML is right – - there is no making sense of their deluded behaviour…

Now i’ve been surrounding myself with friends and family trying to work on my self-esteem. Staying true to NC, I’m now wondering If i can ever think off him and not feel like i’m sitting in a puddle of water!

I trust NML when she says – “the more you show YOURSELF some love and realize your worth, you will lose your attraction for these guys” I hope so…

I’m the sucker for the Walking Wounded…. and as much as i’m proud of myself for being strong… I still feel bad for him somehow… it’s insane.

Sounds like you’re on the periphery of his life and he doesn’t seem to have any intention of letting in. How often do you socialize with his friends?
I believe when two people are in a relationship they should be incorporated in all areas-I’ve been there with the ex- not just when it’s convenient. If he is making you a low priority in his life by putting everyone ahead of you, I would consider moving on.

Actions speak louder than words.

Boyfriend of 2 years has told me that he has been invited out with some friends tonight. We’ve had this issue in the past where I feel like Im excluded from his social life and I would like some acknowledgement in that part of his life (ie I exist you know!). Anyway, its his birthday tomorrow and Ive already raised my concern that he is going out again without me. He has said that I should come over afterwards. Well, Im going to tell him that I dont think its right and Ill just see him tomorrow instead. 2 reasons … We’ve discussed this including me issue before and secondly, it makes me feel like an afterthought. Im probably going to get grief for it and get told Im cutting off my nose to spite my face but so be it, its how I feel.

I so understand what you’re asking … I think one thing many of us have in common is that we simply never bothered with OUR boundaries, so that’s why we fell for these twits in the first place.

You say what if they’re blowing hot & cold or not calling and being generally unreliable, which is not a ’serious’ boundary-crossing thing like physical abuse. I think it’s a waste of time to grade unacceptability of behaviours – that’s what a lot of our mums did, like ‘well, I think I’d rather stay with this useless rotten excuse of a man, because after all, he isn’t a raging alcoholic like my mate Hilda’s husband’.

Look, if the guy is blowing hot & cold, yes, that’s a boundary crossing, but NO, he doesn’t need to be a clairvoyant to know that it’s unacceptable! He just needs to be a decent human being. Granted, he cannot know stuff such as you hate it if he doesn’t pick up his socks, or you don’t want him to use your favourite Simpsons mug or you can’t stand people raising their voice in an argument. But the basics you should NOT be expected to teach him!!!!

There is room for error, but if somebody is blowing hot and cold, that’s not an error. Even when a relationship hits a rough patch, decent people are still consistent – maybe more muted, but consistent.

What’s helped me was to identify ‘red flags’ – not just in him, mind, but in myself, i.e. it’s a warning sign of in a relationship I start obsessing and waiting by the phone, or I start making excuses for him, or I start rationalising his behaviour that makes me feel uncomfortable. A lot of warning signs are played out in our lives.

That’s my hard-earned wisdom for today lovely ladies!

PS, Have cut All Assclowns (and BTW its been a lot of them) out of my life for 6 months now, not dating anyone but myself .. It feels amazing and I highly recommend to anyone going thru “No Contact” to take a man-cleanse to get the toxins out. It feels great! Making the attempt to learn to love myself more (since I dont already know how and then turn around and give myself grief for not knowing) just have the intent to learn.. from there love becomes something to share and not have to “get” from an unavailable assclown…..

DL

I’ve done that for 3 years. Last time he was telling me “how it is” and I said “I get it.” He responded with – LOL, I dont mean to be mean, but you say that every two weeks!”

They are laughing at us. It’s a big joke to them. they know we dont mean it. It has been so very hard to accept reality – and I know I’ve said this many time before – both to him and on this website … but I’m done. I’m hurting but I’m not the wreck I’ve been in the past.

It will hit us all at some point, I think. This guy has been cruel and demeaning to me and insulted both me and my children with his flippant remarks.

He is not the person I painted him to be. I dont want him in my life.

I understand you so well. I was dumped by an AC a few weeks ago. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere after eight months (man-child, severely depressive, never had a regular job, lives on benefits, wants to be a filmmaker one day – he’s 35! -, got kicked out by previous girlfriend for not contributing, no interests other than watching telly etc. etc. etc.).

He, like yours, is super-charming but I must say all of our friends (we share some, but they all prefer me now ha ha!) have sussed him out.

Anyways, he dumped me on Facebook … no, that’s not correct. He didn’t even dump me (I live THREE DOORS from him!). He told everybody on FB that he was ’single again’. I was told by a friend of mine. Can you imagine? He then messed me around for a week, with yes but no but yes but no but … and then just buggered off completely. Pr*ck.

I’m angry with myself for allowing this bum to dictate my life. But what I’ve done now is: I made an Excel sheet with all dates between today and Christmas. For every day that I stick to certain rules I’ll give myself a golden star, then at the end, I’ll buy myself something totally superfluous, expensive and glitz.

Two great things: setting yourself a goal. That’s a total lifesaver if you feel low. Plus, setting your own standards. My rules are no contact (of course!), no bitching to friends about him, greeting him and EVERYBODY he’s with in a friendly manner if I happen to see him, never volunteering any private info, never getting into any conversations etc.

It is very very empowering. Sometimes challenging, but I think the important thing is that YOU start dictating the rules, and these rules should be good for YOU and only YOU!

My EUM and I have a child together that is 2 years old…I know there is one article on NC with kids, but it doesn’t much apply to me and I wondered if you had any other ideas concerning kids and dealing with your EUM? My guy is from Pakistan and I am from the states, so we don’t have a normal drop off/pick up deal. I can’t trust him that my baby would not be wisked off to Pakistan. So, for the last 4 months, I have not spoken with him at all on the phone and I only answer texts about our child. So, that goes well, but he wants to call and talk to her and then tries to speak to me when he is on speaker phone. He sees her once a week for an hour or so, and I have been having my friends meet with him so he can visit our daughter. However, sometimes I think maybe this conveys that I am not over him by not being able to see him for the hour? A coupe of times in the past year, I gave in and had to be the one at home with them and then I fell off the wagon bigtime, so can’t trust that I won’t do that again. Especially since we broke up over his family making him choose me or them. They are all moving here and he choose to spend the next 3 or 4 years getting them settled and then he told me he could be with me after he got all of that done. Oh, and of course, his family has sent over his wife from whom he has been separated from for over 5 years and he lives with her. She is here to cook and clean and once they are settled then his mother has agreed to allow him to finally divorce. Writing this, I feel so dumb for getting involved in this in the first place….we were actually married right after college 15 years ago and then divorced. That time I managed to move on, but this baby thing has thrown me for a loop and I am not sure how to manage moving on when he is forever going to be in the background?

He is miserable and I am miserable. I am worried about him ending up doing the EUM thing with our daughter and messing her up for life. However, I am not sure how to allow him access (if I don’t, we will end up in court and as you all probably can guess, he is a charming, smooth talker) but still moving on? If we go to court, he will be awarded visitation and I am not even sure I will be able to make it supervised. So, NC, but how to deal with the visits? Hiring an outside agency is probably out…he ends up making friends with everyone and I am sure he would be able to talk them into something which would expose our daughter to the chance of being unsafe. Though, he is a citizen and has a lot to lose, I would freak out everytime he visited that way…but I don’t think my friends can continue to do this forever….Help!!!! Please!!! Thanks for listening….

In the meantime there are a number of articles on boundaries including building boundaries for healthier relationships and 10 fundamental lessons on boundaries in relationships as well as these articles.

But what about the smaller “offenses”, how do you deal with those in a reasonable manner and how do you set your bounderies in actions when throwing him out and ending the relationship might be a bit to harsh ?

thank you very much, advice and opinion is much appreciated.