A Chicago reader asks: “I am wondering how the emotionally unavailable man is after a relationship, how he talks to himself, or if he’s happy, etc. Not for HIM, but just to make myself feel better.”
Interesting question. I’d ask why do you care but we all do what we need to do in order to get by. If you want me to tell you that he’s sitting at home pining for you, wondering what you’re doing, analysing your relationship history, blaming himself, checking his phone messages, or obsessing about you, you’re about to be sorely disappointed. To assume that he is losing his mind over the ‘loss’ of you is to assume that you’re with a normal, connected man.
For a start, Mr Unavailable doesn’t like endings and in actual fact, depending on how your relationship history has played out, is likely to disrespect the ‘ending’ or any boundaries that you have put forth.So, you say “I don’t ever want to see your bloody face again or hear from you. I want you to leave me alone and stop calling me” will translate to “She says that but I know if I give it a day/week/fortnight/month/ etc that she’ll be desperate to hear from me. She’s just mad because I won’t give her what she wants but she needs to accept that this is all I can give and go with the flow.”
The likelihood is that Mr Unavailable will believe that he has lost you or is in serious danger of losing you when:
1) A greater period of time has passed than your previous break-up/break.
2) You’ve got really medieval on his ass and something makes him believe that it may be different this time.
With the former, it will appear that he has accepted it until that supposed in-built radar has him creepy creeping round you just when you’ve started to move on.
With the latter, he’ll badger the crap out of you for attention and affirmation that you still give a monkey’s about him, make promises he can’t keep, and then disappoint the crap out of you and revert to previous behaviours anyway.
When a relationship with Mr Unavailable ends he tends to:
1) Pretend that it’s not over and in his mind he’s giving you space to come around to his way of thinking.
2) Look for a new ego stroke.
3) Ignore you till YOU start chasing him.
4) Starts the ‘let’s be friends’ BS so that he can worm his way back into his life.
5) Calls up the previous Fallback Girl (you know there’s always more than one).
6) Bury himself in work or the lads because he didn’t need the deadweight of a relationship anyway.
7) Blame you.
How does he talk to himself? Who knows and who cares? The reality is that someone who is very disconnected from their own behaviour isn’t exactly going to turn around and take stock of their lives. He’ll blame you, his ex, his mother, the cat, the dog, his kids, the tree at the back of the garden but unless he’s having some longstanding bouts of clarity, any glimmers into the real him will be shortlived. So he may think tonight “Ah…Michael, you’ve been a bit of a prick in this relationship. She deserved better” but by tomorrow morning, he’s thinking “Michael, you’re better off without her. She wanted too much from you. She was too flipping needy and you don’t need that. You’ve done nothing wrong and to be fair, this was never supposed to be a long term thing.”
Is he happy? In some respects yes, and in many other respects no. That’s like me asking women who habitually engage with Mr Unavailable’s (Fallback Girls) whether they’re happy. Something not too great is going on within to be emotionally unavailable in the first place. He’ll be happy that he has no-one expecting too much of him. He’ll be happy to have you off his back. He’ll be happy to be a bachelor again. But is he happy? He’s disconnected emotionally so happiness, true happiness is a long way off for him.
But as always, what I would stress is that to care what the frick this man is doing is to care too much. Whatever brain power he does expend on his relationship with you, the reality is that it will be a miniscule fraction of the brain power you’re expending. Your ability to move on and be happy has to be separate from him. It can’t be based on the scale of his misery because this is like trying to extract some sort of emotional validation or payment after the demise of the relationship and the reality is that you’ll be in for a long wait if you’re relying on him to give you some misery coins. You would do better to focus on yourself and deal with your own issues of why you were with him – you’ll get far more reward for your efforts.
If you’ve been struggling with emotional unavailability, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Hi,
I apologize in advance for this being so wordy! I just recently broke up with a man I was with for a little over a year. He is the classic case of an EUM. I found myself constantly being let down in the relationship. I have always been a good communicator so I sat him down on 3 separate occasions to let him know I felt that he was emotionally closed off and it was hurting me & our relationship (His ex-fiancee cheated on him during their 4 yr. relationship & devastated him) so I realize that was a big part of his EU. But that ended over 2 years ago and he would still make comments about it here & there.
He would always acknowledge what I was saying to him and even admitted that he had heard it several times in the past & that women have broken up with him before because of it. He would look me in the eye & tell me that I was right & that I deserved at least that from him but he couldn’t promise me anything. He never changed after each discussion and I got more & more exhausted with living with someone who was like this. IT emotionally took a lot out of me.
I told him I loved him & he never said it back but the way he looked at me and the way he made love to me I almost felt he was trying to tell me he felt the same way but could never actually say it. He also could never look me in the eye while we made love. This relationship broke my heart over & over again. I am the type of person who puts the man first as well and I found that I was starting to feel resentful that I gave so much and got nothig back. I guess the reason I am writing this is because I have found myself in a deep depression the last 8 weeks since I broke it off. He sent a few emails and called once to try to talk to me but I refused to reply or answer the phobne. He just gave up so easy & didn’t even fight for the relationship and it just seems it was all worth it for him to lose me just so he didn’t have to open his heart. That is just so hard to recover from. I haven’t made contact since I broke up with him other than to wish him a Happy Birthday about 2 weeks ago via email, he never replied back. I feel like he was my first true love, but now I find myself asking the question “can someone really be in love by themselves?” I hope you understand the question. I have always felt that when 2 people are in love it is a mutual thing and if one feels they are “in love” but the other isn’t then isn’t it more like lust or just obsession or maybe even in love with the idea of him? I feel very strongly that I made the right decision to end it but I miss him terribly and feel more confused than ever about love. I am a very logical woman and thought it out long & hard before ending the relationship so I guess now what I need is clarity with understanding how I could feel like I fell in love with someone who wasn’t in love with me..or could he have been? Also, does he even understand how much pain he has caused?
Dear Darcy
I split up with a ‘weirdo’ a 1 1/2 ago. I met up with him a month ago and he was all over me like a rash just to drop me cold two days later when I phoned – that is what led me to this site as I just couldnt work or why but after reading about the ‘status quo’ it gave me insight into their behaviour. It is such a difficult journey dealing with these ‘dangerous men’. I have gone through a lot in my life and I am still struggling; its not easy and I think what makes it difficult is closure has to come from yourself.
Love should not be painful it shouldn’t hurt and you should not be putting so much into a relationship and gaining nothing in return it is emotionally draining and leaves you exhausted, depressed with depleted self-esteem. If you in a relationship and you are putting in 80 per cent and your partner is contributing 20 per cent by all means try to go for; but with these men you could put in 120 per cent and get nothing back not even a spark – so ask youself what is the point. We are throwing ourselves at a brick, an emotionally dead human (no even human) incapable of giving anbody what they deserve. Pity them, really pity them and never feel sorry for them. I belive they could change if they wanted to, everybody can. They are just too selfish and retarded to want to or have the intelligence to work out they have a problem because they are so disengaged from themselves. IT IS THEIR PROBLEM – BIG SERIOUS PROBLEM and they are not happy it is impossible to be happy behaving the way they do. Your boyfriend lost the most precious thing in the world – your love but you can and will find someone someday who will be able to receive and give it back – this assclown will never. He is a walking contradiction to the human race who contributes nothing into the world apart from pain . .. Pity him…. you know what they say
‘if you feel no love, you feel no pain, you feel no life’
Hope this helps
Fiona
Thank You Fiona.. This was said WONDERFULLY!!!! I couldn’t have said it better!!! sorry for your assclown…I think it begins when we learn to love ourselves… really invest in US instead of giving that 120 percent to someone who is .. i agree.. emotionally ill equipt!!!
Thank you Fiona & Keri!
Fiona, you made me cry with this part ” Your boyfriend lost the most precious thing in the world – your love but you can and will find someone someday who will be able to receive and give it back – this assclown will never. He is a walking contradiction to the human race who contributes nothing into the world apart from pain . .. Pity him…. you know what they say
‘if you feel no love, you feel no pain, you feel no life’
Yes, it REALLY does help to have support like this. I am not one to call my friends and cry on the phone. I try to work out my own issues by myself so this website and women like you are a tremendous comfort to me right now. I know that I will recover from this, but it will take some time. I thought I found the person who I was going walk with through life, it really is just the death of a dream or fantasy really because the he wasn’t even on the same page as me the entire time right? THAT is what I need to remember, and yes, we all need to love ourselves first then we can make better choices for a partner. Have a great day ladies and thanks again for the support!
Dar
I am actually quite touched by your replies – and it helps to know that I am not alone this is a fantastic site even better than counselling as without really being in a similar situation it is impossible to feel how someone else is feeling.
Healing takes time. It has been over a year since my break up and like everyone I thought I had met Mr Right but it was Mr Absolutely Wrong. Its hard because you keep thinking of all the really nice times at the beginning, and I think you build up a picture mentally of that nice guy. But that nice guy never existed – he is a fraud that’s what you have to remember. I think I built a picture of this nice guy in my brain and it is now a case of stripping all that away and focusing on all the nasty things he did and remembering that he has to live the rest of his life being emotionally unavailable. Emotions are one of the feelings that separate us from animals so these guys are not really human they are animals with the same emotions as a rats and pigs.
Hi All
Just when I thought I was over him, my EUM popped up. I changed my phone number, blocked him and started focusing on me. I repeated to myself what I would say if he called/made contact and how I was going to be calm and in control.
After 4 weeks of NC and feelling better about myself, he showed up at my office. No apology for standing me up the last time, nothing. But he did say how much he loved me and blamed me for the relationship going down hill, saying that I was too needy.
I am so weary right down and tears are falling on the keyboard as I type. Why does he play these games with me? He was very angry that I changed my number. As far as I’m concerned, he never called it when he had my number, so why fuss up now?
I want to know if this heaviness ever goes away. I know for sure that I will never go back with him, but I feel so hurt at how he treated me. Then to pop up weeks later and do it again? I am so sick of him right now. He ‘loves’ me but treats me like crap.
Everytime I’m almost out of the emotional woods he pops back up. If I love him and he loves me, what is the problem? Why won’t he try to make it work? I don’t know but I won’t stick around to find out. I still think of him a lot, but it’s not fond memories. I’m very angry at him and his callous attitude.
This morning a stranger bumped into me and made me spill my latte. He apologised profusely. That got me thinking. He doesn’t know me from a can of paint, but he had the manners to apologise and try to make amends by offering to pay for another one. My Ex EUM would hurt me and say nothing – not a sorry, didn’t mean too. And HE claims to love me. Whatever.
Today is a low point for me and instead of calling him and cussing him out (I’m done talking with him and over thinking…) I’m posting here. Any advice as to how to get out of this emotional fog?
Hi Cynnie,
gosh…… i really feel for u as i’m going thru the same feelings
I don’t normally read this kinda email, but i did this morning……. it is long….i stuck with it and i felt better at the end……so, maybe it will help u feel better
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.
Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two.
Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.
Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.
If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.
I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.
The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.
No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel.
An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.
She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning.
She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.
I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people.
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night.
She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep
This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money– fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.
I made a deal with the local service station.
In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office.
I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn’t enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.
I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a=2 state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o’clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver’s side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.
Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10!
I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes.
There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.
And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop….
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. ‘Yes!’
2. ‘Not yet.’
3 . ‘I have something better in mind.’
Cynnie,
When I read your post It sounded exactly like me talking to my friend on the phone last night. The best thing to remember is that he will always treat you the same shitty way as long as you allow it. Walk away, and don’t look back. You are making the right decision to break contact. It is hard but when you feel the water works coming on and you are missing him like hell just write a letter to him but DO NOT SEND IT, this works and is very theraputic. OR just post another blog here, I do not usually write on blogs but it is really helping me deal with my pain. Be strong and keep believing that you deserve better than what he offfered you, you sound like a great person! When one of these amazing women reply to your email it reminds you that you are not alone and that you do have emotional support. Don’t lose the faith that someone just as amazing as you are will come your way when you believe you deserve the best! Good luck and smile!
Darcy
Darcy.. remember YOU are one of those amazing women too… We are all in the same boat.. Just try to sit tight Cynnie…. you are at the “de-toxing” part of this.. which is the hardest.. you know.. when you see movies where people go in to Detox from drugs.. they are sweating and thrashing around and getting sick? Yea.. that’s what you are doing.. PURGING.. it’s hard.. all you want is a “hit” of him rejecting you again… I know.. you say.. “I didn’t WANT him to reject me?”.. if you read Natalies book.. we fallback girls don’t love OURSELVES enough.. and being rejected is more comfortable.. goes along with the negative self talk in our heads that we are not worthy of what we REALLY want.. so we settle for what will do… and because we are caring.. we really do love them.. even though they don’t deserve it… I will say that If I loved myself enough.. I would have never gotten to Date 3! It’s ok to be where you are.. it’s a process… just reach out to all of us.. we are here and we know exactly how you feel!!!
Cynnie, Darcy, Keri, Chris,
I’ve posted about my current relationship with my ex-EUM’s mirror opposite, Mr. People Pleaser. I see myself, once again, sitting with nice guy, trying to explain why this feels icky to me, why I’m not feeling good about this or that…. the drama that went along with the EUM is absent but I’m still going through the blah blah blah in my head. I’m settling, this one isn’t good enough for me either.
I just wrote on another post I’m not sure I’d know a good relationship if I got hit over the head with one, but I do know one thing having gone through all this stuff and having absorbed alot of Natalie’s entire website and books. I don’t think we have to be doing all the work. If we are doing all the work, all the talking, trying, all the understanding etc. something is wrong and its not good for us.
I agree that reading these posts and writing to one another is better than paying a therapist. We so get where we are all coming from….. its like a plague.
love to you all, Wendy
To all of you wonderful ladies:
The fact that you found this website and are writing about the issues that you are experiencing shows me that you all know what an unhealthy relationship is. You know what doesn’t feel right and isn’t right. The hard part is being patient and waiting for the right person to come along. You will know it when it happens. I am only speaking from my beliefs in my heart because I have been doing a lot of soul-searching myself about these issues and I know that a huge part of the “fallback girls” problem is the fact that she is, somewhere, deep inside, longing to prove what she already knows, that she IS loveable. BUT, the tricky part is believing it. We always feel that it won’t be true until a man comes along and validates that. I believe with all of my heart that we will not find true love until we look within and get to know and truley love ourselves. I am taking one day at a time with that because we have to remember where we come from and most of our issues stem from childhood. We are adults now and need to take responsibility for ourselves. Women are the most amazing human beings I have ever met, we are so strong, yet so vulnerable. In order for a man to recognize our amazing qualities we must first believe and embrace our own self-worth. Wendy,
You want a healthy relationship with a man who loves you and honors you & you WILL get that someday if you believe you deserve it. I believe all the woman on here do, I have read every singe blog on here and I am more than anything, disturbed that there are so many dysfunctional, screwed up men out there robbing so many of us of our spirits, it is heartbreaking to me. Almost makes me want to curl up in my house and never leave., however, that will never happen because I want to beleive there is someone for everyone and that there are still good men out there with plenty to offer. I want to rise above my own heartbreak. This is so strange for me to find myself on this website, I never thought I would find myself here writing about my troubled love life. I wish I could have a get together and have you all over to meet you girls! You are al a blessing to me. Thank you for taking time out of your life to write.
Darcy
Right back at ya Keri! Stay strong!
Darc
Dear Darcy and all of you.,
I so agree with you about the support we find writing to one another here. Thank you again Natalie for creating this.
I would love to meet you all some day. The ultimate women’s support group. You are all amazing.
I seriously hope when Natalie starts her tours, we all pitch in to make her presentations wonderful successes and more than anything, for all of us to support her and meet one anther.
Because I am so at a loss at what a good relationship feels like and am so not sure if I’d know it when I met up with it, I sometimes think the way to go is no relationship. I really can understand women who say they are done. Done with men. A weekend tryst here and there, but thats it. Not saying thats where I am necessarily, but I can now understand it. good grief.
So complicated. I suppose the answer is a good relationship is one where we are relatively happy. But knowing me, I’d always find something…. aahhh!!!!
hi everyone…..today is not a good day for me…..i have been on NC for 15days now, and the feeling of sadness is overwhelming as reality is setting in that i will never see the love of my life ever again…….i miss him terribly but will not contact him…..no sense in contacting someone that doesn’t love/miss you……i’m really trying to keep my head above the water and u all are the only friends i have to vent with……only 2 friends in my life know whats going on and i won’t vent to them as they told me several times to end it after being hurt so many times….so, i’m trying to act normal when in actuality i’m misrable……..it would be really great to all meet in person and have a group session…..as u all know, everyday is a different feeling…sooooo i hope ur all doing better than i today!!!!!
Hi Chris, Sending you tons of support and hugs. I know how horrible it feels, I remember as if it were yesterday. I didn’t have much support locally either, my friends were all sick and tired of hearing about him. I used to get into bed and pull the covers over my head and I know how it feels to be thinking about him constantly.
A few of the things that helped when I was in the worst of it were journalling constantly about what had happened. I wrote out memories of what he did to me and how I felt about it. I made notecards of the dreadful things he did so I could have them close by when all I could remember were the few good things. The crumbs, as Natalie would say. I also began watching Sex in the City from beginning to end. That helped. When i was in the worst part of the separation and the beginnings of NC, I couldn’t even read magazines or books. I just couldn’t get him out of my head.
Anyway, I’m sure everyone here will have wonderful suggestions but basically, its just really hard going throo what you’re going throo. We’ve all done it, but it is something that really takes some time. Instead of trying to act normal, its ok to act miserable. Write whenever you want to, sending you much support, Wendy
thank you wendy! i feel so drained! 9/10 yrs of my life wasted……1st 5 couldn’t have been any better…..the last 4 up and down….mostly down…..i promised myself that 1 more chance for him……and this is where i am and like u……friends and family are tired of hearing the sobbing………u alll are great and i really appreciate ur support and listening…….. i want u all to know that i feel for ur situations as well…..and as i’ve told keri…..i’m better at giving advise than helping myself……anyway love to all of u……..chris
Chris, you want to give him one more chance? Why?
no astelle………..he used up his last chance……..and so i ended it cold turkey……i think no smoking is easier than this situation……..this pain is one i wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy
Chris, sorry, I misunderstood. I know the “pain” and I went cold turkey as well.
Chris & all the girlz~
Do not feel as though you wasted those years of your life (Chris) that is only going to depress you more. The length of time you spent with this person being miserable and sacraficing your happiness should be even a bigger reason to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse.I cannot imagine having to get over a 9 yr. relationship with an EU man, I am sure it is very difficult but you have to live your life and find a way to he happy & whole again. This is the only life you get, this isn’t a dress rehearsal. Do you know what I do when I start to feel the dread of my lost relationship & I miss him so much that it physically hurts? I start to decorate the house. I only live in a small apartment but I paint or I lay down a new floor in the bathroom, I move furniture around, I arrange photos on the wall differently or I listen to classical music & deep breathe. I talk to my kids and they remind me how womderful of a person I am. I cook a great meal or bake cookies. It is a good idea to try and deliberatly focus on a project when you find yourself consumed with thoughts of him and your relationship. You will soon heal from all the pain, as far as I know noone has ever died from a broken heart, but I know it sure feels like your going to. Stay strong & time will erase the pain !
Darcy
hi darcy……thank you!………i have been trying to stay busy….painting sheds, changing curtains, cleaning basement, working outside……..making myself go to gym….. lol……..i know u are having pain as well…… i’m sorry u too are going thru this …kinda stinks!……how long for NC for u? as for me….he and i have split before….maybe always knowing we’d be back together……this time is different! i know we won’t………and thus the knife in the heart!……REALITY!
To all the women on this site!
I LOVE this and have it posted on my refridgerator! I hope you will print it out and it can come in handy for you too!
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else’s man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about
baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists
of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and your
always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies….. You’ll make someone SMILE, another
RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Pass this on to at least 10 woman and 5 men.
BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT.
hi Chris,
I am glad to hear that you are making the effort to stay busy, that is wonderful. I, myself, broke it off on Aug 5th but there have been attempts from him to contact me via email for a while but the last contact I made was on Sept. 25th to wish him a happy bday. He never replied because I think I said so many hurtful things to him when I ended it. (I guess I kinda went “midieval on his ass” and hit below the belt a tad. So it looks like I am closing in on a month with NC! The more time that passes I think the easier it gets to not reach out. I figure it like this, if his ONLY attempt to try an dget me back were a few lame emails & text messages then he throws in the towell then I guess I wasn’t worth fighting for. It was too easy for him to let it all go. THAT makes me strong. I mean, who wants a man like that anyway? It was to me, easy come, easy go for him. He never really connected emotionally anyway so I am sure he has moved on to the next already to fill the void in his life. Obviously today, I am having a strong day, but over the weekend Chris, I was a mess. I had a total melt down over him…you see, the rollercoaster of emotion we have to experience to get over these types of men? It is NOT worth it! If you feel the need to contact him please fight it and send me an email. WE will help each other through this!
Darcy
Hi Chris, everyone,
Chris- another reason why the time together was not a waste of time is because once you get through this, you will have so much insight and wisdom about him and more importantly, yourself. Trust me on this, you will. I was married to an EUM for 25 yrs. He took me out to dinner one night and said “the relationship wasn’t feeding him anymore “, announced he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce. And we had 4 kids. The more recent EUM dumped me unceremoniously after a gigantic fight over his unwillness to commit. My mom had just died, but he left and I never ever heard back from him.
And here I am, 10 months later, ok now. I seriously didn’t think I’d survive but I did. And even though I write alot about my frustrations with the people pleaser I”m with(and Astelle, with your encouragement I am about to break up with him), I am mainly stewing on what I have learned and what I still need to learn about relationships with the opposite sex. But I am ok.
Darcy, I so relate to those good and bad days. Good and bad weeks, and months. Periodically out of the blue, I’ll think of my ex and want to contact him and see how he is. But thats a thought I can just cancel now. And move on with whatever it was I was doing.
Take care, Wendy
hi everyone…….feeling alittle better today…….yesterday was probably my worst day thus far…….and i know…i have a long road ahead…….i think what gets me down too is the fact that he won’t bother to try getting a hold of me……that really bothers me….l won’t hear a word….he’ll just disappear……like nothing happened…i soo want to ruin his life…..which i could…..but innocent people would get hurt and i don’t want to do that….want to say thank you to KERI, DARCY & WENDY…….everyone else too…….just for listening……
I am glad you are having a good day today Chris. You just never know how you will feel in the morning after a good night’s sleep. Take it day by day and hang in there!
Darcy
hi darcy……….how are u doing today? i’m feeling angry today…..weird….huh?
Chris~Not weird at all. It is all part of the healing process. Anger, sadness, resentment, rebellion, confusion. A rollercoaster of it all. Each day a different emotion or emotions.It is hard to deal with and draining. You will be alright though. I stayed extra busy today so I didn’t have too muchof a day of dwelling on it all. Thank God, I am getting tired of crying over him. Aren’t you?
Hi, everyone. Thanks SO much for sharing all of your stories, experiences, and advice.
I have been going through a horrible breakup over the past few months, most times feeling very hopeless and depressed because I have no one. My friends deserted me while I was going out with this EUM (my fault – he was my #1 priority).
My EUM of four years showered me with gifts and money and thought that made him an amazing boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, we had some wonderfule times together but we couldn’t connect emotionally. It was VERY draining and upsetting as other women have said here. I never understood what this behavior was all about – until I learned about emotionally unavailable men.
If I was ever upset about anything or having a bad day and would happen to start crying, he would yell at me to stop being a baby and he’d tell me I was a drama queen! He was never there to console or to make me feel better about things. He said I was too needy, blah blah blah.
I think these patterns definitely stem from childhood, me having an alcoholic father, him being a “mama’s boy”…
You would think his mother would have taught him a thing or two about how to treat women…she’s a psychologist for goodness sakes!!!
Needless to say, he finally decided for good he wanted to end it. Usually we would break up and get back together over and over, but not this time. Something clicked and he wanted out.
It is horrible how these men act because it is so manipulative and it seriously SCREWS WITH GIRLS HEADS. It will drive you crazy trying to figure out WHY and HOW and so on. It doesn’t seem to make sense.
I was trying to practice the NC rule which is SO, SO important. But he occasionally texts me asking if I’ve been with anyone, if I’ve been going out, etc. It’s so maddening to get involved again because he’ll ultimately disappoint again and you wind up back at square one in the grieving process. It’s a nightmare. In the back of my mind I still want to be with him even though he has treated me like absolute sh!t. I hate myself for that. I wonder what happened to my dignity…I lost it while in this relationship. Now I’m somewhere I never thought I would be in life.
Sorry for the long post, but it feels good to write all this out. It has also helped reading all offf your posts. I hope you all get through your break-ups because I know how you are all feeling. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
xo angela
hi angela…….we’re all in the same boat as u……and the only thing i can stress is the NC is the most important thing rite now….today is 4weeks for me and yes, i still wonder……everyday is different and there are the different levels of the grieving process…..today, maybe not tomorrow, but today i feel acceptance…..that i’m not going to ever talk or see him again…..and again today… i feel like its his loss….its something u’ll never get over …… u just get used to it…….now, i kinda feel he has his nerve texting u……have u told him to stop?…. i would…if u want to move on……stay strong……don’t let him back in……its his loss
chris
Thanks for responding, Chris. I have not told him to stop. He wants to “hang out” when he comes back into town but warned me that there is no chance we are getting back together. ?? I didn’t even ask him if we were and he just blurted that out. He’s such an ass.
After reading all of this info on EUM, I began to wonder what the harm would be in remaining friends with him. Apparently, the no contact rule has no affect on them because they couldn’t care less that the relationship is over. Am I correct? The NC rule is for us hurt women so we can detach. I think I would just be fooling myself and I would end up being more hurt by him. I won’t tell him to stop I’m just going to ignore his messages.
hi angela,, i would want the satisfaction of telling him where to go…then, no contact…….i can’t imagine a man saying something like that…although, u know where u stand…..its not in a good spot!
I would like some advice. I don’t know if the guy I met is emotionally unavailable or commitmentphobic or just is not that into me. 1 1/2 ago I meet this guy and I started an affair which lasted 4 months (I was seeing him for 3 months before sleeping with him). It wasn’t until I starting to tell him that I had feelings for him that everything started to go drastically wrong…. he didn’t return my calls for two weeks but gave me texts to say it wasn’t over. I left things for 2 months and then contacted him again to say I was missing him his reply was that he could’nt give me what I was looking for and I deserved better and when I told him I loved him he just walked away. I am 45 and and so is he was my 3rd partner therefore sleeping with him meant a lot to me and he knew that. I have really tried hard to move on to apply the no contact rule. A month ago I met him and it had been the first time since the split we had an intimate moment (no sex) and he gave me his phone number – when I phoned I was cut down and felt as if I was an intrusion on his time. Despite all of this I find the whole episode very painful. This year my mum had to go into a home and my eldest child who is disabled had to undergo a lot of heavy surgery. Anyway, he appears to be doing really well, bought a lovely porche and kid at fee paying school – I suppose I am jealous and annoyed that I cant seem to find the strength within to move on from this guy and be able to find happiness. My friend thinks I should write him a note and tell him how I feel and give him 24 hours to get back to me then that way I can get closure….. I have been through a lot in life but I am really struggling with this and was wondering if any of you could give me any advice x
Eve, you said “affair”, are you married or is he married?
Don’t send him a note and give him 24 hours to get back to you, you can’t give this man an ultimatum, he made it clear that he is not interested. When you met him last month, who initiated this get together – you or him? he gave you his phone number – was this a new number or did you not have his phone number?
He cut you down on the phone, you need to stop contacting this man, it is a waste of time. Start NC and you will feel better after a while.
He has treated you poorly, showed no signs of interest, by trying to make contact again, you will look like his doormat.
You will regret it if you write that note and he may send you a nasty answer.
Eve, he has told you that he can’t give you what you want and that you deserve better. He has told you the truth but you dont want to listen. I am with Astelle. What purpose would a note serve but only to buy you time and then make you feel even worse when he tells you the same thing he has already said. You will never get closure because an EUM can’t give it. No matter what you say, or how you say it, he has made it clear he does not want to be in a relationship with you. Your closure is to start NC and stick to it. Its hard and it hurts but you deserve better! Be strong and read all all the posts on this site. It will help. Good luck!
He is separted and I have an open marriage agreement. The get together was not initiated by either of us we bumped into each other. I am just very confused as when ever I see him (three times this year) he is full on and seems very very interested – noted by my friends also. But then when I try to follow it up he replies by saying I don’t need him in my life. I am getting mixed messages that’s why I thought of writing not for his satisfaction but to know that I have really tried and not to look back later in life wishing I had done more. I suppose I just have to find closure within like you both say and just move on. Its diffcult especially when they seem to be getting on with their lives oblivious of the hurt they have caused. x
Eve, he is not divorced, you are in an open marriage? What is an open marriage? Your husband is your Fallback guy – if not you would be divorced – while you date other man sounds very dysfunctional to me.
He told you that you don’t need him in his life, he is right, think about it why would he date a married woman?? You are wondering if he can’t commit, commit to what? You have a commitment, it is called your husband. I don’t see mixed messages, I think you read too much into this.
If it makes you feel better, go ahead and write that note, but it is so pointless.
Good luck.
Hi Girls,
It has been a while since I posted, It was because I was in “strong mode”. Please learn from the mistake I made on November 9th. I was out and about on Sunday a day that me & the ex used to go to church and have a quality day together. I was thinking about him so much and the hurtful way I broke up with him and I ended up texting him and apologizing for saying the hurtful things to him that I had said & asking for his forgivness. He never replied. I was so upset that the next day I wrote him an email and apologized again ( like I was the bad guy) I SO WASN’T the bad guy I just felt guilt for dumping him and saying things to him out of pain and resentment. IT WAS NOT AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM BACK. He replied back saying to me that he has nothing more to say to me and to have a nice life. It was like salt poured on an open wound. Since then I have been an emotional wreck. I am right back to square one with NC and healing all over again. I realized that I have another issue here, can someone tell me why I have this incestant need to be “friends ” with my exs? I don’t give up until they want to be my friend. It’s weird. Even if they were a jerk to me throughout the relationship. I don’t have 1 single ex that I don’t still have a friendship with. Why can’t I just cut the cord and walk away and cut that person out of my life? Especially one that never deserved my love in the first place? Ugh! This shuld be a warning to all of you strong girls who have stuck to your NC rule. Keep staying strong because I SO regret reaching out for my closure when I already had the power to attain my closure within myself. Now I gave him back the power he didn’t deserve to have. It SUCKS!
Darcy
Darcy I’ll tell you why.. because you want to be constantly validated that your not worth it.. Which has been what you’ve been telling yourself for years.. “See.. he’s treating me this way.. THIS is why I’m not worth it.” TRY HARD to start to feel WORTH it..(It’s hard and a daily challenge) and I think you’ll start focusing on things and People who MAKE you feel worth it.. When there are YEARS of negative self talk that you are not worth it.. it is an emotional exorcism to bring it to the surface so it can be banished.. Ask yourself when you find yourself wanting to BEG him for mercy.. “WHY do I want him to respond?” Probably because you KNOW he won’t say what you want him to say if he responds at all.. which will then make you say (AGAIN) “See… I told you Darcy.. THIS is why you don’t deserve any better”.. That is what I’m finding… It’s not about them (even though it sometimes feels SO strongly like it is.. )it’s about us.. WANTING to comfort ourselves in the fact that we’re not worth it.
Keri, great post. This article and comments speak to me today. I’m 26 days NC, and find it a daily walk in committing to my decision to stop the cycle of chosing these men. The attacking, negative, mean behavior I received from EUM felt…….familiar and comfortable. Just the realization of that is frightening, but in a good way as time goes by. Not dating right now, just each day feel more confidence in my decision to get away from EUM. Feels less and less about him, and more about me changing, being stronger.
Thanks Keri!
You are right! I wrote down yesterday all the things that I disliked about him and his personality and the cruel things he had said to me in our relationship. This helps a lot. I also printed out a few of the posts on this blog site and I keep them in my day planner. I go back and read the ones that I relate to and help keep me strong. It reminds me that I made the right decision to end an unhealthy relationship. I will choose better next time. I am tired of being clobbered. Have a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Stay strong and remember how you all inspire me so much!
Darcy
Hello, everyone (my new friends)! What great strength you all have!
Although I have been online since ’95, I have never posted until finding this page (after hours and days of research on this out of desperation ‘am I nuts’?(of course not, just ignorant) – “where is all this doubt coming from- I am normally a healthily confident, self-assured woman” … you all know exactly what I mean.
I am on my 18th hour of NC from my EUM (who had a malignant narcissistic mother). I am not a therapist, but ‘cognitive, high functioning Narcissist’ has to be right where mine was; most definitely EUM.
To those of you who may read this and are new to your understanding and road to healing… please take our stories to heart, and know that you are not alone.
My relationship exhibited all the signs (the ones that make you think you’re crazy): started off great with chemistry that felt like we’d known eachother forever (big red flag)…. a first date most people would only dream of (he is a pilot), regular phone calls, great shared sense of humor, such a ‘bond’ and I was deeply grateful to feel that again (we all know it’s rare); but ultimately (like knowing exactly when I was ensnared)…. never giving (intimacy -whether emotional, spiritual or physical – avoided sex for all three+ months together- affection, occasional compliment, gratitude/simple thank you, sharing emotional depth of any kind), would take hours-long massages but would never run a finger over mine, would ‘snap’ out of the blue at the littlest perceived slight (never cursed or physical), impatient, judgmental, plenty of light critiques on my appearance (although externally beautiful/prettiest woman he’s ever been with…. like we women don’t know our flaws, even if 5 lbs overweight or a scar on our leg)….usually involved with women 2 hours away (red flag two)….he was attractive, educated, middle-aged and never married or even lived with a woman (‘I am what he’s been missing’ LOL)…. absolutely no empathy (two deaths I grieved but he dropped off the earth for a couple of days after I told him but he absolutely had to have my empathy when an acquaintance of his died)…. no chivalry (helping carry things or opening a door – I’d make an internal excuse… “it’s okay, I am an independent woman”)… the seemingly silent, yet powerful “unspoken rule” that prevented me from healthily expressing feelings/intimacy verbally or written…. every conversation was ultimately about HIM, his life (if he asked about me it was about my past relationships, which normally would be fine but I see how that is not a good thing when it is so frequent)…. repeated himself over and over…. especially about his only significant long term relationship that ended a year ago (also 2 hour long distance)…. then he asked me to share Christmas with him (wow! Milestone!!)… now two weeks later to discover what my instincts had told me all along… the salt in the wound/cherry on top… a mutual friend confirmed he has been seeing another woman the whole time in his own town (explains alot, but please don’t ask me to spend Christmas with you while you are seeing someone else)… now some additional epiphanies are occuring (valuable 20/20 hindsight/ignored gut reactions)…. if he’s never ‘there for you’ – please run. (unless you are needy/completely codependant – another issue altogether)…..
There will never be ‘healthy closure’, I logically know this. I have now written my ‘letter’ that I will never send (started two months ago as ‘the list’ of good and bad/should I stay – another red flag).. . I ignored the impeccable acuteness of my instincts thinking my love would conquer all (as I long as I didn’t get any in return). Instincts are so crucial…. I will never ignore them again out of love for myself. I also re-learned that to ignore or deny your own truths/healthy needs of communication and affection and intimacy is so wrong, and seems to keep one stuck in that ‘rut’/cycle…..
I do know I am going to come out a much better person; deeply know that (and already am). The process is sometimes so painful, and sometimes dark and self-doubting. Then I do what you all know to do – get busy (whatever I can to feel pride or an accomplishment (no matter how small)… and no, his life will not suddenly be the ideallyc picture with some other fabulous woman that was magically able to ‘open’ his heart… that is a foregone conclusion! But my life will be!! (thanks to him, ironically) (I keep telling myself that – it will sink in eventually with time – ugh, make it go by faster)…
Profoundly grateful I found you all here. Thanks for sharing your hearts; you are inspirational! And you are all so brave and beautiful!
Ali
Taking a deep breath, wow, what a story. So much of what you wrote sounds sooooooo familiar to me.
What made you go NC? Did you “break up” with him or just went NC? How old is that guy?
Every conversation is about him, him, him, they don’t really have conversations we are just an audience.
2 women? Makes me wonder who was the fallback girl, you, her or both?
Astelle, thanks! And great questions (I like your keen insight on previous posts)! What made me do it? Couldn’t take it anymore (the heartache, sucking me dry). Previously I’ve shared feelings/gently suggest we conclude (written) and he always ‘keeps’ me (LOL now)…so, I broke up (talking with him is pointless as I have learned he is best visual/written), and politley shared with a mutual friend (positive words only). Now NC, 24 hours almost. Yeah!! He is near 50 (looks 40, or, 10 years younger than he is, a classic Narcissist trait). Yes, we are an ‘audience’ – nicely put. 2 women… yes. I am unable to discern which of us was which (if she was closer in his proximity, I guess sadly I was ‘fallback’)… in Narcissistic terms, there was a ‘main supply’ of adulation, and secondary. Could have been both for various reasons – don’t want to dwell on that too much! LOL (am able to a bit)
Love your thought process, Astelle – BTW, is it just UK women here, or are there some Americans posting, also?
take a deep breath… you bet your bottom dollar there are American women here.. challenged with the SAME problem…. You are NOT alone
Keri, Thanks! Not that it matters (we are all women healing)… I would love to attend the seminars/meet the women here as mentioned above… just can’t go ‘across the pond’ in the near future!
You guys are amazing in your strength!!
Taking a deep breath, funny that you ask if american women also post here, I thought more americans than UK post here?
How can you tell? Maybe NML knows?
I am originally form Germany but now living in the States, what makes english my second language.
So, at times I have a good thought process and by the time I write it in english,some get’s “lost”
I understand there is a primary source of supply and a secondary source of supply -ahhh, crazy, but I guess true. There is a group:
msn support NPD and I read some of what Dr. Sam wrote, very interesting and also confusing or should I say fu**ed up?
But, let me warn you, really warn you, if you start reading on that site what some of these women post, it is so disturbing, unbelievable what some of these women experienced. I stopped reading these posts a while ago, I started wondering about myself and I promised a friend I stop reading it.
One of my american friends put it much simpler to me: I was the one that fed his ego, gave him the confidence, propped him up to believe that “he still got it” and now that I am gone I am chomping away on his confidence every day a little bit, because it is “harder” now for him to attract other women because I am (the fallback girl) is now gone.
Since the other woman was living closer to him, I guess she was the fallback girl.
See, how sick and twisted all this BS is?
All this for a worthless piece of man!
I am still not sure, did you just go NC or did you tell him or was the mutual friend suppose to tell him?
Just stick with NC and get rid of his egotistical *ss
Hi, I ust wanted to share something with everyone.
Last night I came home to find a text message from one of my previous assclowns. In short he went off with one of my so called friend who threw herself at him, apparently he is desperate as well as having no balls. I caught them at it and there was a full-blown arguement – me shouting and him crying … anyway that night ended with me storming away (thankful that I left before I got too serious with him – phew). He started seeing her a few days later.
So yeah back to the message. I didn’t recognise the number, having deleted it 2 months ago, but based on the content I assume it was him. It said (and this is verbatim), “Hey I’m probs the last person u wanna hear from. Not very manly taken this long! I’m honestly sorry what happened been botherin me awhile I kno I’m a nob not tryin anythin just want you to know im sorry, dont know why I did it just an imature prick!”
Ignoring the lack of grammer and correct spelling (he used to speak like he would text … *cringe*) I found this as an attempt to try and ease his guilt that he has apparently been feeling. Plus, considering that I heard he dumped the girl (my ex-friend) by text message 2 weeks ago might have some part in the reason why he suddenly text me. Because the incident, when I caught them, happened 2 months ago!
I never replied because I don’t know what his true intentions are, even if he did say it has been “botherin” him. He is a year younger than me and is really, really immature. I wasn’t going to reply just so that can feel better about himself, so that I can help him ease the ‘guilt’ he has been feeling.
Dunno, what does everyone else think??
Delete, delete, delete, and don’t give him a second thought. He’s an imbecile and you know this already. It’s bothering him about as much as it’s capable of bothering him which is not very much. Remember, contact is contact. Let his problems and ‘guilt’ be his own.
NML – “Let his problems and ‘guilt’ be his own” … That spoke to me, thank you
I have been fine for a while about what happened, it was just a shock to hear from him again.
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