Comments on: Reader Question: What does an emotionally unavailable man do when a relationship ends? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/ Getting you savvy, smart, sussed and sexy about dating and relationships. Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:34:19 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.2 By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-205754 Astelle Wed, 03 Dec 2008 05:04:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-205754 Taking a deep breath, funny that you ask if american women also post here, I thought more americans than UK post here? How can you tell? Maybe NML knows? I am originally form Germany but now living in the States, what makes english my second language. :) So, at times I have a good thought process and by the time I write it in english,some get's "lost" :) I understand there is a primary source of supply and a secondary source of supply -ahhh, crazy, but I guess true. There is a group: msn support NPD and I read some of what Dr. Sam wrote, very interesting and also confusing or should I say fu**ed up? But, let me warn you, really warn you, if you start reading on that site what some of these women post, it is so disturbing, unbelievable what some of these women experienced. I stopped reading these posts a while ago, I started wondering about myself and I promised a friend I stop reading it. One of my american friends put it much simpler to me: I was the one that fed his ego, gave him the confidence, propped him up to believe that "he still got it" and now that I am gone I am chomping away on his confidence every day a little bit, because it is "harder" now for him to attract other women because I am (the fallback girl) is now gone. Since the other woman was living closer to him, I guess she was the fallback girl. See, how sick and twisted all this BS is? :) All this for a worthless piece of man! I am still not sure, did you just go NC or did you tell him or was the mutual friend suppose to tell him? Just stick with NC and get rid of his egotistical *ss :) Taking a deep breath, funny that you ask if american women also post here, I thought more americans than UK post here?
How can you tell? Maybe NML knows?

I am originally form Germany but now living in the States, what makes english my second language. :)
So, at times I have a good thought process and by the time I write it in english,some get’s “lost” :)

I understand there is a primary source of supply and a secondary source of supply -ahhh, crazy, but I guess true. There is a group:
msn support NPD and I read some of what Dr. Sam wrote, very interesting and also confusing or should I say fu**ed up?

But, let me warn you, really warn you, if you start reading on that site what some of these women post, it is so disturbing, unbelievable what some of these women experienced. I stopped reading these posts a while ago, I started wondering about myself and I promised a friend I stop reading it.

One of my american friends put it much simpler to me: I was the one that fed his ego, gave him the confidence, propped him up to believe that “he still got it” and now that I am gone I am chomping away on his confidence every day a little bit, because it is “harder” now for him to attract other women because I am (the fallback girl) is now gone.
Since the other woman was living closer to him, I guess she was the fallback girl.
See, how sick and twisted all this BS is? :)
All this for a worthless piece of man!

I am still not sure, did you just go NC or did you tell him or was the mutual friend suppose to tell him?

Just stick with NC and get rid of his egotistical *ss :)

]]> By: Taking a deep breath http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-205710 Taking a deep breath Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:25:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-205710 Keri, Thanks! Not that it matters (we are all women healing)... I would love to attend the seminars/meet the women here as mentioned above... just can't go 'across the pond' in the near future! You guys are amazing in your strength!! Keri, Thanks! Not that it matters (we are all women healing)… I would love to attend the seminars/meet the women here as mentioned above… just can’t go ‘across the pond’ in the near future!

You guys are amazing in your strength!!

]]> By: keri http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-205709 keri Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:20:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-205709 take a deep breath... you bet your bottom dollar there are American women here.. challenged with the SAME problem.... You are NOT alone take a deep breath… you bet your bottom dollar there are American women here.. challenged with the SAME problem…. You are NOT alone

]]> By: Taking a deep breath http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-205698 Taking a deep breath Wed, 03 Dec 2008 02:00:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-205698 Astelle, thanks! And great questions (I like your keen insight on previous posts)! What made me do it? Couldn't take it anymore (the heartache, sucking me dry). Previously I've shared feelings/gently suggest we conclude (written) and he always 'keeps' me (LOL now)...so, I broke up (talking with him is pointless as I have learned he is best visual/written), and politley shared with a mutual friend (positive words only). Now NC, 24 hours almost. Yeah!! He is near 50 (looks 40, or, 10 years younger than he is, a classic Narcissist trait). Yes, we are an 'audience' - nicely put. 2 women... yes. I am unable to discern which of us was which (if she was closer in his proximity, I guess sadly I was 'fallback')... in Narcissistic terms, there was a 'main supply' of adulation, and secondary. Could have been both for various reasons - don't want to dwell on that too much! LOL (am able to a bit) Love your thought process, Astelle - BTW, is it just UK women here, or are there some Americans posting, also? Astelle, thanks! And great questions (I like your keen insight on previous posts)! What made me do it? Couldn’t take it anymore (the heartache, sucking me dry). Previously I’ve shared feelings/gently suggest we conclude (written) and he always ‘keeps’ me (LOL now)…so, I broke up (talking with him is pointless as I have learned he is best visual/written), and politley shared with a mutual friend (positive words only). Now NC, 24 hours almost. Yeah!! He is near 50 (looks 40, or, 10 years younger than he is, a classic Narcissist trait). Yes, we are an ‘audience’ - nicely put. 2 women… yes. I am unable to discern which of us was which (if she was closer in his proximity, I guess sadly I was ‘fallback’)… in Narcissistic terms, there was a ‘main supply’ of adulation, and secondary. Could have been both for various reasons - don’t want to dwell on that too much! LOL (am able to a bit)

Love your thought process, Astelle - BTW, is it just UK women here, or are there some Americans posting, also?

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-205660 Astelle Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:33:09 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-205660 Taking a deep breath, wow, what a story. So much of what you wrote sounds sooooooo familiar to me. What made you go NC? Did you "break up" with him or just went NC? How old is that guy? Every conversation is about him, him, him, they don't really have conversations we are just an audience. 2 women? Makes me wonder who was the fallback girl, you, her or both? Taking a deep breath, wow, what a story. So much of what you wrote sounds sooooooo familiar to me.

What made you go NC? Did you “break up” with him or just went NC? How old is that guy?
Every conversation is about him, him, him, they don’t really have conversations we are just an audience.
2 women? Makes me wonder who was the fallback girl, you, her or both?

]]> By: Taking a deep breath http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-205620 Taking a deep breath Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:04:12 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-205620 Hello, everyone (my new friends)! What great strength you all have! Although I have been online since '95, I have never posted until finding this page (after hours and days of research on this out of desperation 'am I nuts'?(of course not, just ignorant) - "where is all this doubt coming from- I am normally a healthily confident, self-assured woman" ... you all know exactly what I mean. I am on my 18th hour of NC from my EUM (who had a malignant narcissistic mother). I am not a therapist, but 'cognitive, high functioning Narcissist' has to be right where mine was; most definitely EUM. To those of you who may read this and are new to your understanding and road to healing... please take our stories to heart, and know that you are not alone. My relationship exhibited all the signs (the ones that make you think you're crazy): started off great with chemistry that felt like we'd known eachother forever (big red flag).... a first date most people would only dream of (he is a pilot), regular phone calls, great shared sense of humor, such a 'bond' and I was deeply grateful to feel that again (we all know it's rare); but ultimately (like knowing exactly when I was ensnared).... never giving (intimacy -whether emotional, spiritual or physical - avoided sex for all three+ months together- affection, occasional compliment, gratitude/simple thank you, sharing emotional depth of any kind), would take hours-long massages but would never run a finger over mine, would 'snap' out of the blue at the littlest perceived slight (never cursed or physical), impatient, judgmental, plenty of light critiques on my appearance (although externally beautiful/prettiest woman he's ever been with.... like we women don't know our flaws, even if 5 lbs overweight or a scar on our leg)....usually involved with women 2 hours away (red flag two)....he was attractive, educated, middle-aged and never married or even lived with a woman ('I am what he's been missing' LOL).... absolutely no empathy (two deaths I grieved but he dropped off the earth for a couple of days after I told him but he absolutely had to have my empathy when an acquaintance of his died).... no chivalry (helping carry things or opening a door - I'd make an internal excuse... "it's okay, I am an independent woman")... the seemingly silent, yet powerful "unspoken rule" that prevented me from healthily expressing feelings/intimacy verbally or written.... every conversation was ultimately about HIM, his life (if he asked about me it was about my past relationships, which normally would be fine but I see how that is not a good thing when it is so frequent).... repeated himself over and over.... especially about his only significant long term relationship that ended a year ago (also 2 hour long distance).... then he asked me to share Christmas with him (wow! Milestone!!)... now two weeks later to discover what my instincts had told me all along... the salt in the wound/cherry on top... a mutual friend confirmed he has been seeing another woman the whole time in his own town (explains alot, but please don't ask me to spend Christmas with you while you are seeing someone else)... now some additional epiphanies are occuring (valuable 20/20 hindsight/ignored gut reactions).... if he's never 'there for you' - please run. (unless you are needy/completely codependant - another issue altogether)..... There will never be 'healthy closure', I logically know this. I have now written my 'letter' that I will never send (started two months ago as 'the list' of good and bad/should I stay - another red flag).. . I ignored the impeccable acuteness of my instincts thinking my love would conquer all (as I long as I didn't get any in return). Instincts are so crucial.... I will never ignore them again out of love for myself. I also re-learned that to ignore or deny your own truths/healthy needs of communication and affection and intimacy is so wrong, and seems to keep one stuck in that 'rut'/cycle..... I do know I am going to come out a much better person; deeply know that (and already am). The process is sometimes so painful, and sometimes dark and self-doubting. Then I do what you all know to do - get busy (whatever I can to feel pride or an accomplishment (no matter how small)... and no, his life will not suddenly be the ideallyc picture with some other fabulous woman that was magically able to 'open' his heart... that is a foregone conclusion! But my life will be!! (thanks to him, ironically) (I keep telling myself that - it will sink in eventually with time - ugh, make it go by faster)... Profoundly grateful I found you all here. Thanks for sharing your hearts; you are inspirational! And you are all so brave and beautiful! Ali Hello, everyone (my new friends)! What great strength you all have!

Although I have been online since ‘95, I have never posted until finding this page (after hours and days of research on this out of desperation ‘am I nuts’?(of course not, just ignorant) - “where is all this doubt coming from- I am normally a healthily confident, self-assured woman” … you all know exactly what I mean.

I am on my 18th hour of NC from my EUM (who had a malignant narcissistic mother). I am not a therapist, but ‘cognitive, high functioning Narcissist’ has to be right where mine was; most definitely EUM.

To those of you who may read this and are new to your understanding and road to healing… please take our stories to heart, and know that you are not alone.

My relationship exhibited all the signs (the ones that make you think you’re crazy): started off great with chemistry that felt like we’d known eachother forever (big red flag)…. a first date most people would only dream of (he is a pilot), regular phone calls, great shared sense of humor, such a ‘bond’ and I was deeply grateful to feel that again (we all know it’s rare); but ultimately (like knowing exactly when I was ensnared)…. never giving (intimacy -whether emotional, spiritual or physical - avoided sex for all three+ months together- affection, occasional compliment, gratitude/simple thank you, sharing emotional depth of any kind), would take hours-long massages but would never run a finger over mine, would ’snap’ out of the blue at the littlest perceived slight (never cursed or physical), impatient, judgmental, plenty of light critiques on my appearance (although externally beautiful/prettiest woman he’s ever been with…. like we women don’t know our flaws, even if 5 lbs overweight or a scar on our leg)….usually involved with women 2 hours away (red flag two)….he was attractive, educated, middle-aged and never married or even lived with a woman (’I am what he’s been missing’ LOL)…. absolutely no empathy (two deaths I grieved but he dropped off the earth for a couple of days after I told him but he absolutely had to have my empathy when an acquaintance of his died)…. no chivalry (helping carry things or opening a door - I’d make an internal excuse… “it’s okay, I am an independent woman”)… the seemingly silent, yet powerful “unspoken rule” that prevented me from healthily expressing feelings/intimacy verbally or written…. every conversation was ultimately about HIM, his life (if he asked about me it was about my past relationships, which normally would be fine but I see how that is not a good thing when it is so frequent)…. repeated himself over and over…. especially about his only significant long term relationship that ended a year ago (also 2 hour long distance)…. then he asked me to share Christmas with him (wow! Milestone!!)… now two weeks later to discover what my instincts had told me all along… the salt in the wound/cherry on top… a mutual friend confirmed he has been seeing another woman the whole time in his own town (explains alot, but please don’t ask me to spend Christmas with you while you are seeing someone else)… now some additional epiphanies are occuring (valuable 20/20 hindsight/ignored gut reactions)…. if he’s never ‘there for you’ - please run. (unless you are needy/completely codependant - another issue altogether)…..

There will never be ‘healthy closure’, I logically know this. I have now written my ‘letter’ that I will never send (started two months ago as ‘the list’ of good and bad/should I stay - another red flag).. . I ignored the impeccable acuteness of my instincts thinking my love would conquer all (as I long as I didn’t get any in return). Instincts are so crucial…. I will never ignore them again out of love for myself. I also re-learned that to ignore or deny your own truths/healthy needs of communication and affection and intimacy is so wrong, and seems to keep one stuck in that ‘rut’/cycle…..

I do know I am going to come out a much better person; deeply know that (and already am). The process is sometimes so painful, and sometimes dark and self-doubting. Then I do what you all know to do - get busy (whatever I can to feel pride or an accomplishment (no matter how small)… and no, his life will not suddenly be the ideallyc picture with some other fabulous woman that was magically able to ‘open’ his heart… that is a foregone conclusion! But my life will be!! (thanks to him, ironically) (I keep telling myself that - it will sink in eventually with time - ugh, make it go by faster)…

Profoundly grateful I found you all here. Thanks for sharing your hearts; you are inspirational! And you are all so brave and beautiful!

Ali

]]> By: Darcy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-203227 Darcy Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:25:35 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-203227 Thanks Keri! You are right! I wrote down yesterday all the things that I disliked about him and his personality and the cruel things he had said to me in our relationship. This helps a lot. I also printed out a few of the posts on this blog site and I keep them in my day planner. I go back and read the ones that I relate to and help keep me strong. It reminds me that I made the right decision to end an unhealthy relationship. I will choose better next time. I am tired of being clobbered. Have a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Stay strong and remember how you all inspire me so much! Darcy Thanks Keri!
You are right! I wrote down yesterday all the things that I disliked about him and his personality and the cruel things he had said to me in our relationship. This helps a lot. I also printed out a few of the posts on this blog site and I keep them in my day planner. I go back and read the ones that I relate to and help keep me strong. It reminds me that I made the right decision to end an unhealthy relationship. I will choose better next time. I am tired of being clobbered. Have a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Stay strong and remember how you all inspire me so much!

Darcy

]]> By: Shell http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-203224 Shell Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:06:36 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-203224 Keri, great post. This article and comments speak to me today. I'm 26 days NC, and find it a daily walk in committing to my decision to stop the cycle of chosing these men. The attacking, negative, mean behavior I received from EUM felt.......familiar and comfortable. Just the realization of that is frightening, but in a good way as time goes by. Not dating right now, just each day feel more confidence in my decision to get away from EUM. Feels less and less about him, and more about me changing, being stronger. Keri, great post. This article and comments speak to me today. I’m 26 days NC, and find it a daily walk in committing to my decision to stop the cycle of chosing these men. The attacking, negative, mean behavior I received from EUM felt…….familiar and comfortable. Just the realization of that is frightening, but in a good way as time goes by. Not dating right now, just each day feel more confidence in my decision to get away from EUM. Feels less and less about him, and more about me changing, being stronger.

]]> By: keri http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-203199 keri Wed, 26 Nov 2008 16:05:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-203199 Darcy I'll tell you why.. because you want to be constantly validated that your not worth it.. Which has been what you've been telling yourself for years.. "See.. he's treating me this way.. THIS is why I'm not worth it." TRY HARD to start to feel WORTH it..(It's hard and a daily challenge) and I think you'll start focusing on things and People who MAKE you feel worth it.. When there are YEARS of negative self talk that you are not worth it.. it is an emotional exorcism to bring it to the surface so it can be banished.. Ask yourself when you find yourself wanting to BEG him for mercy.. "WHY do I want him to respond?" Probably because you KNOW he won't say what you want him to say if he responds at all.. which will then make you say (AGAIN) "See... I told you Darcy.. THIS is why you don't deserve any better".. That is what I'm finding... It's not about them (even though it sometimes feels SO strongly like it is.. )it's about us.. WANTING to comfort ourselves in the fact that we're not worth it. Darcy I’ll tell you why.. because you want to be constantly validated that your not worth it.. Which has been what you’ve been telling yourself for years.. “See.. he’s treating me this way.. THIS is why I’m not worth it.” TRY HARD to start to feel WORTH it..(It’s hard and a daily challenge) and I think you’ll start focusing on things and People who MAKE you feel worth it.. When there are YEARS of negative self talk that you are not worth it.. it is an emotional exorcism to bring it to the surface so it can be banished.. Ask yourself when you find yourself wanting to BEG him for mercy.. “WHY do I want him to respond?” Probably because you KNOW he won’t say what you want him to say if he responds at all.. which will then make you say (AGAIN) “See… I told you Darcy.. THIS is why you don’t deserve any better”.. That is what I’m finding… It’s not about them (even though it sometimes feels SO strongly like it is.. )it’s about us.. WANTING to comfort ourselves in the fact that we’re not worth it.

]]> By: Darcy http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-203196 Darcy Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:59:58 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-203196 Hi Girls, It has been a while since I posted, It was because I was in "strong mode". Please learn from the mistake I made on November 9th. I was out and about on Sunday a day that me & the ex used to go to church and have a quality day together. I was thinking about him so much and the hurtful way I broke up with him and I ended up texting him and apologizing for saying the hurtful things to him that I had said & asking for his forgivness. He never replied. I was so upset that the next day I wrote him an email and apologized again ( like I was the bad guy) I SO WASN'T the bad guy I just felt guilt for dumping him and saying things to him out of pain and resentment. IT WAS NOT AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM BACK. He replied back saying to me that he has nothing more to say to me and to have a nice life. It was like salt poured on an open wound. Since then I have been an emotional wreck. I am right back to square one with NC and healing all over again. I realized that I have another issue here, can someone tell me why I have this incestant need to be "friends " with my exs? I don't give up until they want to be my friend. It's weird. Even if they were a jerk to me throughout the relationship. I don't have 1 single ex that I don't still have a friendship with. Why can't I just cut the cord and walk away and cut that person out of my life? Especially one that never deserved my love in the first place? Ugh! This shuld be a warning to all of you strong girls who have stuck to your NC rule. Keep staying strong because I SO regret reaching out for my closure when I already had the power to attain my closure within myself. Now I gave him back the power he didn't deserve to have. It SUCKS! Darcy Hi Girls,
It has been a while since I posted, It was because I was in “strong mode”. Please learn from the mistake I made on November 9th. I was out and about on Sunday a day that me & the ex used to go to church and have a quality day together. I was thinking about him so much and the hurtful way I broke up with him and I ended up texting him and apologizing for saying the hurtful things to him that I had said & asking for his forgivness. He never replied. I was so upset that the next day I wrote him an email and apologized again ( like I was the bad guy) I SO WASN’T the bad guy I just felt guilt for dumping him and saying things to him out of pain and resentment. IT WAS NOT AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIM BACK. He replied back saying to me that he has nothing more to say to me and to have a nice life. It was like salt poured on an open wound. Since then I have been an emotional wreck. I am right back to square one with NC and healing all over again. I realized that I have another issue here, can someone tell me why I have this incestant need to be “friends ” with my exs? I don’t give up until they want to be my friend. It’s weird. Even if they were a jerk to me throughout the relationship. I don’t have 1 single ex that I don’t still have a friendship with. Why can’t I just cut the cord and walk away and cut that person out of my life? Especially one that never deserved my love in the first place? Ugh! This shuld be a warning to all of you strong girls who have stuck to your NC rule. Keep staying strong because I SO regret reaching out for my closure when I already had the power to attain my closure within myself. Now I gave him back the power he didn’t deserve to have. It SUCKS!

Darcy

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-203191 Astelle Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:28:11 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-203191 Eve, he is not divorced, you are in an open marriage? What is an open marriage? Your husband is your Fallback guy - if not you would be divorced - while you date other man sounds very dysfunctional to me. He told you that you don't need him in his life, he is right, think about it why would he date a married woman?? You are wondering if he can't commit, commit to what? You have a commitment, it is called your husband. I don't see mixed messages, I think you read too much into this. If it makes you feel better, go ahead and write that note, but it is so pointless. Good luck. Eve, he is not divorced, you are in an open marriage? What is an open marriage? Your husband is your Fallback guy - if not you would be divorced - while you date other man sounds very dysfunctional to me.
He told you that you don’t need him in his life, he is right, think about it why would he date a married woman?? You are wondering if he can’t commit, commit to what? You have a commitment, it is called your husband. I don’t see mixed messages, I think you read too much into this.
If it makes you feel better, go ahead and write that note, but it is so pointless.
Good luck.

]]> By: Eve http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-203119 Eve Wed, 26 Nov 2008 10:16:35 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-203119 He is separted and I have an open marriage agreement. The get together was not initiated by either of us we bumped into each other. I am just very confused as when ever I see him (three times this year) he is full on and seems very very interested - noted by my friends also. But then when I try to follow it up he replies by saying I don't need him in my life. I am getting mixed messages that's why I thought of writing not for his satisfaction but to know that I have really tried and not to look back later in life wishing I had done more. I suppose I just have to find closure within like you both say and just move on. Its diffcult especially when they seem to be getting on with their lives oblivious of the hurt they have caused. x He is separted and I have an open marriage agreement. The get together was not initiated by either of us we bumped into each other. I am just very confused as when ever I see him (three times this year) he is full on and seems very very interested - noted by my friends also. But then when I try to follow it up he replies by saying I don’t need him in my life. I am getting mixed messages that’s why I thought of writing not for his satisfaction but to know that I have really tried and not to look back later in life wishing I had done more. I suppose I just have to find closure within like you both say and just move on. Its diffcult especially when they seem to be getting on with their lives oblivious of the hurt they have caused. x

]]> By: Tryingtoleavehim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-202971 Tryingtoleavehim Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:57:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-202971 Eve, he has told you that he can't give you what you want and that you deserve better. He has told you the truth but you dont want to listen. I am with Astelle. What purpose would a note serve but only to buy you time and then make you feel even worse when he tells you the same thing he has already said. You will never get closure because an EUM can't give it. No matter what you say, or how you say it, he has made it clear he does not want to be in a relationship with you. Your closure is to start NC and stick to it. Its hard and it hurts but you deserve better! Be strong and read all all the posts on this site. It will help. Good luck! Eve, he has told you that he can’t give you what you want and that you deserve better. He has told you the truth but you dont want to listen. I am with Astelle. What purpose would a note serve but only to buy you time and then make you feel even worse when he tells you the same thing he has already said. You will never get closure because an EUM can’t give it. No matter what you say, or how you say it, he has made it clear he does not want to be in a relationship with you. Your closure is to start NC and stick to it. Its hard and it hurts but you deserve better! Be strong and read all all the posts on this site. It will help. Good luck!

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-202969 Astelle Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:48:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-202969 Eve, you said "affair", are you married or is he married? Don't send him a note and give him 24 hours to get back to you, you can't give this man an ultimatum, he made it clear that he is not interested. When you met him last month, who initiated this get together - you or him? he gave you his phone number - was this a new number or did you not have his phone number? He cut you down on the phone, you need to stop contacting this man, it is a waste of time. Start NC and you will feel better after a while. He has treated you poorly, showed no signs of interest, by trying to make contact again, you will look like his doormat. You will regret it if you write that note and he may send you a nasty answer. Eve, you said “affair”, are you married or is he married?
Don’t send him a note and give him 24 hours to get back to you, you can’t give this man an ultimatum, he made it clear that he is not interested. When you met him last month, who initiated this get together - you or him? he gave you his phone number - was this a new number or did you not have his phone number?
He cut you down on the phone, you need to stop contacting this man, it is a waste of time. Start NC and you will feel better after a while.
He has treated you poorly, showed no signs of interest, by trying to make contact again, you will look like his doormat.
You will regret it if you write that note and he may send you a nasty answer.

]]> By: Eve http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-what-does-an-emotionally-unavailable-man-do-when-a-relationship-ends/#comment-202962 Eve Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:09:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1179#comment-202962 I would like some advice. I don't know if the guy I met is emotionally unavailable or commitmentphobic or just is not that into me. 1 1/2 ago I meet this guy and I started an affair which lasted 4 months (I was seeing him for 3 months before sleeping with him). It wasn't until I starting to tell him that I had feelings for him that everything started to go drastically wrong.... he didn't return my calls for two weeks but gave me texts to say it wasn't over. I left things for 2 months and then contacted him again to say I was missing him his reply was that he could'nt give me what I was looking for and I deserved better and when I told him I loved him he just walked away. I am 45 and and so is he was my 3rd partner therefore sleeping with him meant a lot to me and he knew that. I have really tried hard to move on to apply the no contact rule. A month ago I met him and it had been the first time since the split we had an intimate moment (no sex) and he gave me his phone number - when I phoned I was cut down and felt as if I was an intrusion on his time. Despite all of this I find the whole episode very painful. This year my mum had to go into a home and my eldest child who is disabled had to undergo a lot of heavy surgery. Anyway, he appears to be doing really well, bought a lovely porche and kid at fee paying school - I suppose I am jealous and annoyed that I cant seem to find the strength within to move on from this guy and be able to find happiness. My friend thinks I should write him a note and tell him how I feel and give him 24 hours to get back to me then that way I can get closure..... I have been through a lot in life but I am really struggling with this and was wondering if any of you could give me any advice x I would like some advice. I don’t know if the guy I met is emotionally unavailable or commitmentphobic or just is not that into me. 1 1/2 ago I meet this guy and I started an affair which lasted 4 months (I was seeing him for 3 months before sleeping with him). It wasn’t until I starting to tell him that I had feelings for him that everything started to go drastically wrong…. he didn’t return my calls for two weeks but gave me texts to say it wasn’t over. I left things for 2 months and then contacted him again to say I was missing him his reply was that he could’nt give me what I was looking for and I deserved better and when I told him I loved him he just walked away. I am 45 and and so is he was my 3rd partner therefore sleeping with him meant a lot to me and he knew that. I have really tried hard to move on to apply the no contact rule. A month ago I met him and it had been the first time since the split we had an intimate moment (no sex) and he gave me his phone number - when I phoned I was cut down and felt as if I was an intrusion on his time. Despite all of this I find the whole episode very painful. This year my mum had to go into a home and my eldest child who is disabled had to undergo a lot of heavy surgery. Anyway, he appears to be doing really well, bought a lovely porche and kid at fee paying school - I suppose I am jealous and annoyed that I cant seem to find the strength within to move on from this guy and be able to find happiness. My friend thinks I should write him a note and tell him how I feel and give him 24 hours to get back to me then that way I can get closure….. I have been through a lot in life but I am really struggling with this and was wondering if any of you could give me any advice x

]]>