I have a gazillion questions in my inbox but this email jumped out at me:
“What does it mean when a man says ‘I can’t give you what you want’ or ‘I cant be the man you need me to be’?”
When a man (or a woman) makes statements like this, these are what I call your golden opt out moments or ‘windows of opportunity’. If you have boundaries, values, an awareness about red flags and a reasonable level of self-esteem, a warning statement like this will make you very uncomfortable and bring you back down to earth with a bump. And it is a warning statement and when you hear it, it’s time to get out of the relationship and suffer the short-term pain for the long term gain.
He is giving you a chance to get out now while you can.
He’s also telling you who he is and trying to make you be real about him and the relationship so that you can opt out.
But here are the translations:
When a man says ‘I can’t give you what you want’ this translates to:
‘I can’t give you what you want…. I’m also not prepared to give you what you want so please stop wanting from me and move on’.
That’s it. It means exactly what he says.
This man already knows his capacity or what he is prepared to give. He’s also wise enough to recognise that you want more than what is on offer. There’s nothing mysterious about what he’s saying – he’s giving you a heads up and a warning.
When a man says he cannot give you what you want, it’s a red flag and a sign to run in the other direction.
Don’t make the mistake of millions of women by deciding that you know better – you don’t. Also don’t make the mistake of deciding that you will marginalise your own needs so that you can hang onto him because you’re setting yourself up for a mighty big, painful fall.
‘I love you and of course you can give me what I want’ you might proclaim. Er, no he can’t and you’re discounting what he has said and trying to invalidate what he has communicated because it doesn’t suit your view of things and you’re in denial. It’s not up to you to decide what he can give.
When a man says he cannot give you what you want and you want a relationship, it means that he doesn’t want a relationship and it’s time for you to let go and move on.
A decent guy in this situation will not only tell you this, but will opt out and move on with his life. A guy who wants to enjoy the fringe benefits of the relationship while managing down your expectations has a thinking that works like this:
‘I’ve told you that I cannot give you what you want. I am giving you a heads up and if you don’t have enough self-respect to move on and you stick around, I am not responsible for any pain that you may experience, even if I continue to shag you/get an ego stroke/or lean on your shoulder and moan. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because I’m still around that I’m in a position to give you what you want – I’m not, but I am all out for getting my own needs met if you’re going to stick around and let me use you up.’
When a man says ‘I cant be the man you need me to be’ this translates to:
‘Please stop putting me on a pedestal and creating illusions because I am not the man you think I am and I am not the man who you so clearly need me to be and I cannot meet your needs and have no desire to.’
That’s it. It means exactly what he says.
When men (or women) say stuff like this is because they know who they are, what they’re capable of, and what they feel about you and any relationship. They’ve likely danced this dance before with other people and they are trying to shut off the willing, waiting, hoping, dreaming, betting on potential and everything else that comes with putting someone on a pedestal.
If a man says this to you, it’s because you are under illusions about who he is and the relationship and he is making a vague attempt to bring you back down to earth.
You’ll likely have projected your ideas about who you think he is and the relationship you could have and it’s all making him a bit nervy. He may even feel you’re being emotionally demanding and actually, you may well be. If someone is in the position of saying this, it’s because you’re asking and expecting from them even when it’s apparent that they cannot meet your ‘needs requests’.
He’s saying ‘Back off! Stop expecting! Stop dreaming! Stop betting on potential! See me as I am!’
Again, a decent guy will not only tell you this but opt and move on. In fact, if you were to persist in trying to be with him, he may even have to do no contact on you. But a guy who doesn’t give a monkey’s about you and is happy to enjoy the fruits of your misguided feelings for him will think something like this:
‘I’ve told you that I’m not the man you need me to be. If you still want to be with me in spite of this, I know you want the illusion more than you want your self-respect and a real relationship. However, if you stick around, even if you don’t realise it, it’s on my terms so even though you might think that because we’re still sleeping together that maybe I can be the man you need, I still can’t and there’s no point in continuing to complain because I told you that I could not meet your needs – it’s not my fault you stayed.’
Hard as it may be for some of you to hear, there is no hidden meaning to these statements. When people show you who they are through their actions or tell you who they are, you need to be listening and watching, not denying or deciding that you know better, or playing Dan Brown looking to break a code.
Add in context to the situation and you really get a sense of what they mean:
When a man makes statements like ‘I can’t give you what you want’ and stays in the relationship he’s a lazy man who is reshaping the relationship on his terms and trying to manage down your needs and expectations so that he can get his needs met with minimal contribution while marginalising your own needs. He knows you’re not ‘the one’ but he’s OK with passing time. He’s saying ‘I can’t be the man you want but if you’re OK with sticking around for some sub par treatment, what kind of man would I be to pass up the fringe benefits?’
Don’t look for meaning where there is no meaning or suspend yourself in disbelief. Heed the warning signs.
Your thoughts?
Learn more about values and common interests with my special ebook bundle. You can also check out my ebooks including The No Contact Rule, a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you, and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, in my bookshop. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
{ 103 comments }
← Previous Comments
It never ceases to amaze me how those 2 simple sentences are misinterpreted and coded and translated and etc. etc. etc. It’s like translating from Spanish to Japanese.
Those 2 sentences mean EXACTLY what they say – no reading between the lines, no continued ruminations, no commiserating with friends to determine what it “really meant – they mean just that.
Some things are complex and some things are quite simple. This one is simple.
Question?
It is now going on into 3 months that I have cut contact with my ex ass clown narcissists ex and also my ex of 4 years ago keeps calling me. I was wondering if I should block thery’re numbers because #1. I never answer when my ex of 4years ago calls and have no intentions of ever going back there with him again and 2. The ex ass clown that I just cut contact with; its only been 3 months since we haven’t spoken; know that I will never get back with him ever especially on the way things ended nasty between us(him degrading me) but for some reason something tells me that he’ll try to call eventually when long enough time has passed and 3 months is still quite early. If I go ahead and block the ass hole’s # I won’t have to wonder if he ever called cause I won’t know. Number will stay blocked for 3 months. My friend tells me not to do so cause she thinks that blocking the #’s from both my ex’s portrays a sign of weakness and only shows that I went through the trouble of thinking about them to block their numbers when technically I’m not going to bother answering the phone anyway. She says ignoring them is the best dilema because if they do call it makes more sense if I just don’t return the call than block their number. Does this makes sense? Should I block or does she have a point?
Foolishly I got back with my EUM when he said he loved and missed me. A month later things are no different – probably worse. I had an uneasy feeling and asked him if he was seeing other women. ‘I don’t want to be with just one person’ was his shifty reply, followed by ‘they’re just friends…nothing to worry about’. He then said ‘I’ll see you next week sometime or possibly the week after’. I need to get over this guy – and quick.
I am loosing my mind!! I have lost control over my emotions over thsi guys that I initially met about 6 yrs ago. I will not say the whole story it is too long and pointless but I will say after going to college with him, we lost track of eachother for a long time. He tried to contact me calling and texting me but I had other things going on, just was not into him, he tried to contact me with no success for over a year, but one day I saw him calling, I was single, took a chance and answered the phone. We started talking, he came to see me (we leave about 3hrs away from eachother) and he had a great time, talking over dinner, I knew when I saw him I felt a lil something that I really pushed to ignore; he told me how much he had thought of me all this time and told me so many things he remembered I said to him (my plans, dreams etc.) he swept me off my feet bascially, we were intimate again and it was great. Then he had to go back to work, after having such a great time he did text and call but he seemed a different person on the phone, he is very talkative and talks to me like Im a buddy vs. when we are face to face, he said he’s been told that but he does not know basically how to convey his feelings over the phone. I shared with him what kinds of thing would make me feel special or cared for even in the distance, he is a great listener but I am not sure how much actually registered. Now, because of his type of work I do know that he travels a lot and sometimes he doesn’t even talk to his family plus sometimes he cannot tell people where he is going. He told me before also that, that is why its hard for him to have a relationship because people do not understand his work nor trust him. I tried to see where things went, he would text me lil texts here and here and call me with small talk, it was only when he came into twon I go see him and talk to him and saw again the sweet person in him. This made me freak out and I told him I did not want to see two different people and that I did not want to be the person to call only when he was in town. So everytime he is in town and we meet it’s always the same. I feel crazy, on one end I do not know how to handle what I discovered I feel for him, I miss him, can’t wait to see him, feel like I have pushed him away, feel like at one point he wanted me and I disregarded him so much that now because he knows he is a good man he is not putting up with my freak outs and it’s treating me like I once treated him..i guess. I called him and apologize for calling him a jerk and told him that I am well aware that everything that has happened it’s a thing of two and that I was sorry for making him feel he was taking advantage of me..blah blah..i feel pathetic! I am angry at myself for my lost of dignity and control…advice me and help me get over this psychotic episode!!!what the heck!
What an eye opener this subject i have read through is. I dated a man for almost 3 years and then after we had one of our great days out together, it was almost Christmas and we sang carols, visited the local church which was decorated and walked in a candlelit procession holding hands which we did a lot. Then, the very next day he disappeared on me and after txting him to see where he was, worrying if he was ill, i got a txt saying ‘the problem is i can never be the man you want me to be’. I was totally confused and sent him a message back telling him i wanted him just the way he was/is. He came back to me Christmas Eve and brought a card and present and i then thought we were back together as normal. Well i then noticed he was offhand with me on occasion, rude sometimes when others were in the vicinity and started making plans to join organisations etc which did not include me, which meant less time together. To cut a long story short he started picking arguments with me and winding me up so i argued back. I just could not understand his manner anymore as he had always been so affectionate, smothered me with presents etc and although when i told him once i thought i was on the way to loving him, he asked me what ‘love’ was!!! I explained to the best of my ability and then after a while he announced that ‘yes, i do love you’. I wasnt convinced as it was said matter of fact but when you do love someone i accepted that statement in the way he said it. THEN, 6 months later i wondered if he was seeing someone else as he started to starve me of his affection sexually but he denied it. I have to say i did some detective work and sure enough there was another woman he was seeing. I am mortified that he took that route because i had always asked him to tell me if he did not want me anymore, or if he wanted someone else. To conclude, i actually found the other woman in his car, spoke to her and she was genuinely upset and shocked to find out he had me in his life. She was so upset and he tells me she has ‘gone’. Well if she hasnt all i can say is she must have no self-esteem to settle for this cheating scumbag. As for me i shall never let a man get close to me for a long time, it has shattered my confidence but hopefully not for good! Everything in this article was what happened to me.
Wow, this is an older post, but man NML hit it out of the ballpark word for word this is what my ex EUM said! I should have known better! I just had lunch with his best friend today, we didn’t mention him once and it’s ok! Ups and downs occasionally but truly feeling so good to be rid of him and no secret we’ll be back together fantasies like I did just a few days ago. He is fully blocked from contacting me or seeing me on facebook, gmail and probably will never contact me again.
← Previous Comments