Comments on: Reader Question: Why can’t Mr Unavailable’s either let go of their ex or return to them? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Arlena http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-214461 Arlena Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:03:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-214461 Dear Rachel, thank you so much for replying and commenting. It was very hard to see through this. But I relied on my intuition, my gut feelings telling me that this doesn’t feel the way it should feel. I ensure you, I made a clean cut. I put it into warm but firm words. I think, he understood immediately, that’s why he intensified the contact with his allegedly secret school crush. And I didn’t fell to the trap wanting and winning him back even more with a third party on the scene. But it was hard. Yes, Rachel, I do think he told me about his new flame in order to strike back for my clearness and my boundaries. We had had an intense mail-contact over the whole period and he knew my wounds and tender spots. It was a very great problem to me him being married, also he claimed constantly his marriage is over since five years and they only staying together because of the “children” (17 and 20)! I was afraid there might be always another reason for staying together. And I also told him, to tell his wife. I was not willing to be with him behind her back. I wanted to give them the chance of really contemplating if they are serious about their mutual divorce, you know, talking is one thing, doing it the other. I think that was fair and I restraint myself because I wanted a morally clear situation. Today I think, he never told her, or told her something just to hurt her. I.e he mentioned to her that he’s going to marry me after their divorce, which would have effected her financial situation. Now, imagine, he offered me a marriage after his divorce. The nature of us women is we need a future, we think a man considering a future with us must be serious. I got into this trap wondering why on earth is he able to do all these confusing things. If every means to save his marriage had failed, so why not make a clean cut? Could be made in a civilised manner. No, he wanted both worlds as long as possible. Why was he able to INSTANTLY tell his wife about his new affair (perhaps only to SHOW me), well, you know, he mailed it to me, if he really told her, meanwhile I doubt it all. I will never know. BUT, do you think, a man willing to marry again having found a good match wouldn’t do anything possible to find a resolve and filing for divorce now? Instead of this one taking the next possible woman? No way. What I like about this site is the clear wording, no space for deviating into taking colouring glasses to “understand” him. As I’m really interested in a healthy and mature relationship it’s not that easy to tell the difference. But how painful it was, I know, I did the mistake in the first place. I choose poorly, falling for “this one might be different”. The good news is: I googled a lot, I found good materials, this helpful site and others, I learnt a lot and I feel awarded with all my better insights at this point. And it’s not me, HE is the loser. ;-) Dear Rachel,

thank you so much for replying and commenting.

It was very hard to see through this. But I relied on my intuition, my gut feelings telling me that this doesn’t feel the way it should feel. I ensure you, I made a clean cut. I put it into warm but firm words. I think, he understood immediately, that’s why he intensified the contact with his allegedly secret school crush. And I didn’t fell to the trap wanting and winning him back even more with a third party on the scene. But it was hard.

Yes, Rachel, I do think he told me about his new flame in order to strike back for my clearness and my boundaries. We had had an intense mail-contact over the whole period and he knew my wounds and tender spots. It was a very great problem to me him being married, also he claimed constantly his marriage is over since five years and they only staying together because of the “children” (17 and 20)! I was afraid there might be always another reason for staying together. And I also told him, to tell his wife. I was not willing to be with him behind her back. I wanted to give them the chance of really contemplating if they are serious about their mutual divorce, you know, talking is one thing, doing it the other. I think that was fair and I restraint myself because I wanted a morally clear situation. Today I think, he never told her, or told her something just to hurt her. I.e he mentioned to her that he’s going to marry me after their divorce, which would have effected her financial situation.

Now, imagine, he offered me a marriage after his divorce. The nature of us women is we need a future, we think a man considering a future with us must be serious. I got into this trap wondering why on earth is he able to do all these confusing things. If every means to save his marriage had failed, so why not make a clean cut? Could be made in a civilised manner. No, he wanted both worlds as long as possible. Why was he able to INSTANTLY tell his wife about his new affair (perhaps only to SHOW me), well, you know, he mailed it to me, if he really told her, meanwhile I doubt it all. I will never know. BUT, do you think, a man willing to marry again having found a good match wouldn’t do anything possible to find a resolve and filing for divorce now? Instead of this one taking the next possible woman? No way.

What I like about this site is the clear wording, no space for deviating into taking colouring glasses to “understand” him. As I’m really interested in a healthy and mature relationship it’s not that easy to tell the difference. But how painful it was, I know, I did the mistake in the first place. I choose poorly, falling for “this one might be different”. The good news is: I googled a lot, I found good materials, this helpful site and others, I learnt a lot and I feel awarded with all my better insights at this point. And it’s not me, HE is the loser. ;-)

]]> By: Rachel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-214443 Rachel Sat, 24 Jan 2009 15:09:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-214443 Oh Arlena, You have been involved with the devil himself! How evil of him to enlighten you on his new found - fake- happiness! How evil of him to put this hideous story to words with the intent to hurt you and cause you pain. This man is full of shit that he is now happy for if he truly was he would not bother trying to entertain you with this horror story. UNDERSTAND this is just a STORY. I suggest you quit reading his emails and run from this horrible man. Could you imagine being married to a person who can be so mean? His poor wife would probably like to GIVE him to you if she had a choice. The next woman he hooks up with - for his marriage is doomed- will be cursed with this man. Mean people rarely become nice,caring, loving people. If you think he is doing this just because he is hurting from your break up then he is emotionally inmature. Grown ups do not handle disappointments by throwing knives. I pray you see a light of happiness for yourself and run in that direction. I am so happy he is no longer your problem. He is basically slapping you in the face, he has slapped his wife in the face and he will be slapping the next woman in the face when she does something he does not like as well. RUN BABY RUN! Oh Arlena,

You have been involved with the devil himself! How evil of him to enlighten you on his new found – fake- happiness! How evil of him to put this hideous story to words with the intent to hurt you and cause you pain. This man is full of shit that he is now happy for if he truly was he would not bother trying to entertain you with this horror story. UNDERSTAND this is just a STORY. I suggest you quit reading his emails and run from this horrible man. Could you imagine being married to a person who can be so mean? His poor wife would probably like to GIVE him to you if she had a choice. The next woman he hooks up with – for his marriage is doomed- will be cursed with this man. Mean people rarely become nice,caring, loving people. If you think he is doing this just because he is hurting from your break up then he is emotionally inmature. Grown ups do not handle disappointments by throwing knives. I pray you see a light of happiness for yourself and run in that direction. I am so happy he is no longer your problem. He is basically slapping you in the face, he has slapped his wife in the face and he will be slapping the next woman in the face when she does something he does not like as well. RUN BABY RUN!

]]> By: Arlena http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-214398 Arlena Sat, 24 Jan 2009 03:58:51 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-214398 This question rings true for my recent situation. I mastered it by setting my boundaries and sticking to them. Although from time to time I've to admit I think and wonder about the WHY's. My EUM was and still is married, two adult children, but he always claimed he can't leave them. Fishy. Of course, his marriage was beyond repair, but as a family they "worked out"- well, you know all the yadda yadda. When I made it very soon abundantly clear, that I was to end the story because he's not available, he showered me with words of respect and understanding. He accepted my decision, but like a broken record he wrote me he wanted to keep the mail-contact with me (it was a long-distance-relationship to top it). I didn't respond to that. When he realized I walked my talk he told me that he'd spent 4 days with another woman. I was completely dumbfounded, when I found out, that he met this woman at an anniversary celebration of our former school (we were former school mates) he’d attended without me, because I couldn’t make it due to my work and he’d spared me this piece of information. He told me then after my break-up, that this initial mail-contact with her had been harmless, but now, as I had ended our relationship, he’d fallen hard for the woman, because everything was soooo easy. For once he told me he’d been secretly in love with her during school times (this the reason for not telling me, he didn’t want to upset me – very thoughtful, thanks) and he was thrilled now, because she’s in the same situation (and she doesn't complain): married, two adult children, a lot of affairs during her marriage like he himself. It happened that she was with another man at that time of the school celebration, ended the affair shortly after that and miraculously they, my EUM and she, came together in the twinkling of an eye. Maybe she’ll dump him as quick as that in the future ;-) All that I was told in nicest of nice words, confidentially and with the repetition he wants to stay in contact with me, because we had had a “deep, wonderful and anything but shallow” relationship. His words. This was the start of a very confusing roller-coaster time of emotions for me. Of course I felt hurt, that he could replace me in a jiffy. I kept to my boundaries, went to NC and keep it, but as I said, sometimes I still rake my brain. WHY could he commit that fast? Useless, I know! - He immediately told his wife about the OP, she was infuriated, now (!), but not about me, although they both wanted the divorce. He told his children, which he was afraid of all the time with me. To me all this sounds like a so called “rebound relationship”, and there are still his words echoing in my mind, that they “both will live fora more or less short time with their old partners…” and then happily ever after…? Yeah, to be a fly on the wall ;-) So, that's of my chest - deep sigh - and pardon my mistakes, I’m German. This question rings true for my recent situation. I mastered it by setting my boundaries and sticking to them. Although from time to time I’ve to admit I think and wonder about the WHY’s. My EUM was and still is married, two adult children, but he always claimed he can’t leave them. Fishy. Of course, his marriage was beyond repair, but as a family they “worked out”- well, you know all the yadda yadda. When I made it very soon abundantly clear, that I was to end the story because he’s not available, he showered me with words of respect and understanding. He accepted my decision, but like a broken record he wrote me he wanted to keep the mail-contact with me (it was a long-distance-relationship to top it). I didn’t respond to that. When he realized I walked my talk he told me that he’d spent 4 days with another woman. I was completely dumbfounded, when I found out, that he met this woman at an anniversary celebration of our former school (we were former school mates) he’d attended without me, because I couldn’t make it due to my work and he’d spared me this piece of information. He told me then after my break-up, that this initial mail-contact with her had been harmless, but now, as I had ended our relationship, he’d fallen hard for the woman, because everything was soooo easy. For once he told me he’d been secretly in love with her during school times (this the reason for not telling me, he didn’t want to upset me – very thoughtful, thanks) and he was thrilled now, because she’s in the same situation (and she doesn’t complain): married, two adult children, a lot of affairs during her marriage like he himself. It happened that she was with another man at that time of the school celebration, ended the affair shortly after that and miraculously they, my EUM and she, came together in the twinkling of an eye. Maybe she’ll dump him as quick as that in the future ;-) All that I was told in nicest of nice words, confidentially and with the repetition he wants to stay in contact with me, because we had had a “deep, wonderful and anything but shallow” relationship. His words.
This was the start of a very confusing roller-coaster time of emotions for me. Of course I felt hurt, that he could replace me in a jiffy. I kept to my boundaries, went to NC and keep it, but as I said, sometimes I still rake my brain. WHY could he commit that fast? Useless, I know! – He immediately told his wife about the OP, she was infuriated, now (!), but not about me, although they both wanted the divorce. He told his children, which he was afraid of all the time with me. To me all this sounds like a so called “rebound relationship”, and there are still his words echoing in my mind, that they “both will live fora more or less short time with their old partners…” and then happily ever after…? Yeah, to be a fly on the wall ;-)

So, that’s of my chest – deep sigh – and pardon my mistakes, I’m German.

]]> By: ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-212085 ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:15:34 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-212085 Jen, how did the talk go? Jen, how did the talk go?

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-212083 Gaynor Fri, 02 Jan 2009 16:45:09 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-212083 Good for you Rachel!! Keep it up!! Good for you Rachel!! Keep it up!!

]]> By: Rachel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-212082 Rachel Fri, 02 Jan 2009 16:31:35 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-212082 I am so glad to hear you are doing ok! It's funny but the old saying of when you close one door another one opens is so true. I am starting to do much better it has been 47 days now with NC. He texted me on Christmas which nearly made my heart stop but I did not respond. He then again texted me yesterday and again I did not respond. The second text was much easier to ignore. I guess this stuff just takes practice and then it gets easier. I was asked out on a date for New Years and I went but my heart truly feels dead. I guess it is too soon for me to even try to move on. I think I am still in the depression stage for all I really want to do is be home and alone. My gut tells me that what I am doing is the right thing. Even though I miss him, I have no inclination to contact him whatsoever. I think the thought of his disapointig me one more time would really throw me into feeling so much worse. I now realize I have to ride this thing out. I look forward to time healing the wound that the world cannot see. I am glad you have found a friend who is also in somewhat of a vulnerable state that can be of support to you. Stay strong for now you know relationships should not be painful. I am so glad to hear you are doing ok! It’s funny but the old saying of when you close one door another one opens is so true.

I am starting to do much better it has been 47 days now with NC. He texted me on Christmas which nearly made my heart stop but I did not respond. He then again texted me yesterday and again I did not respond. The second text was much easier to ignore. I guess this stuff just takes practice and then it gets easier.

I was asked out on a date for New Years and I went but my heart truly feels dead. I guess it is too soon for me to even try to move on. I think I am still in the depression stage for all I really want to do is be home and alone. My gut tells me that what I am doing is the right thing. Even though I miss him, I have no inclination to contact him whatsoever. I think the thought of his disapointig me one more time would really throw me into feeling so much worse. I now realize I have to ride this thing out.

I look forward to time healing the wound that the world cannot see. I am glad you have found a friend who is also in somewhat of a vulnerable state that can be of support to you. Stay strong for now you know relationships should not be painful.

]]> By: Tbaby http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-212076 Tbaby Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:38:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-212076 Hi Rachel, I am actually doing awhole lot better than I ever thought I would be doing! I still have my moments and then I look back at all the hurt and pain he caused me, & keep looking forward. He tried to call me last night after we haven't talked for 8+ days and I didn't answer. I know that talking to him will only make me weak and right now I am feeling to strong to go back. A few weeks ago I ran into a real gentlemen that I had met some time ago through friends and we have been hanging out quite a bit. He was hurt pretty bad by his ex and I think just being around each other is helping the both of us heal. I honestly didn't think there were any decent me left out here! I have explained to him that we need to be friends at this point as I need time to heal the open wounds and we'll see where things go from there. He has been around quite a bit and my kids totally adore him! The funny thing is, he has done more for me and my kids in the short period he has been around than my EUM did in the 1 1/2 we were dating. By the way, how are you doing? Hi Rachel,

I am actually doing awhole lot better than I ever thought I would be doing! I still have my moments and then I look back at all the hurt and pain he caused me, & keep looking forward. He tried to call me last night after we haven’t talked for 8+ days and I didn’t answer. I know that talking to him will only make me weak and right now I am feeling to strong to go back.

A few weeks ago I ran into a real gentlemen that I had met some time ago through friends and we have been hanging out quite a bit. He was hurt pretty bad by his ex and I think just being around each other is helping the both of us heal. I honestly didn’t think there were any decent me left out here! I have explained to him that we need to be friends at this point as I need time to heal the open wounds and we’ll see where things go from there. He has been around quite a bit and my kids totally adore him! The funny thing is, he has done more for me and my kids in the short period he has been around than my EUM did in the 1 1/2 we were dating.

By the way, how are you doing?

]]> By: Rachel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-211584 Rachel Sat, 27 Dec 2008 15:45:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-211584 Tbaby, How are you doing during the holidays? Still NC? Tbaby,

How are you doing during the holidays? Still NC?

]]> By: Rachel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-211547 Rachel Sat, 27 Dec 2008 02:17:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-211547 Good luck with the talk..... personally if I had to look into the eyes of my EUM I would be weak. Read the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl. It is not easy to read about ourselves but well worth it. Be strong and do not let this on and off guy waste anymore of your life and time. Find a man who would not consider spending one important holiday without you. There is someone out there who has created a life where his kids come to him for the holidays/birthdays/etc. There is someone who wants his kids to know you and for both of you to celebrate the holidays with his children because he loves you so much, because you are a big part of his life. Quit settling for crumbs. Quit settling for leftovers. Good luck with the talk….. personally if I had to look into the eyes of my EUM I would be weak. Read the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl. It is not easy to read about ourselves but well worth it.

Be strong and do not let this on and off guy waste anymore of your life and time. Find a man who would not consider spending one important holiday without you. There is someone out there who has created a life where his kids come to him for the holidays/birthdays/etc. There is someone who wants his kids to know you and for both of you to celebrate the holidays with his children because he loves you so much, because you are a big part of his life.

Quit settling for crumbs. Quit settling for leftovers.

]]> By: Jen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-211544 Jen Sat, 27 Dec 2008 01:44:32 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-211544 Hello, This sounds just like the relationship I just ended with my ex-boyfriend on Saturday! I am so grateful for this site. My ex-bf has 3 adult children and still goes to his ex-wife's house for holidays/birthdays/etc using the kids as an excuse. They have been divorced for 10 years. He does not see a problem with his relationship with his ex. He is so off and on. After I left him, he sent me a sweet email, then a nasty one, then he said don't talk to him, then he wrote me a letter, then he emailed me to ask if we could go to couples counseling! I am meeting him Sunday just to have the "final" talk and I'm trying to work up the strength to be sure to say goodbye and not let him talk me back into staying. I guess I just felt the need to do the "official" break up in person. Although I've been telling him for months that I'm not comfortable with his relationship with his ex wife. Hello,

This sounds just like the relationship I just ended with my ex-boyfriend on Saturday! I am so grateful for this site. My ex-bf has 3 adult children and still goes to his ex-wife’s house for holidays/birthdays/etc using the kids as an excuse. They have been divorced for 10 years. He does not see a problem with his relationship with his ex. He is so off and on. After I left him, he sent me a sweet email, then a nasty one, then he said don’t talk to him, then he wrote me a letter, then he emailed me to ask if we could go to couples counseling!

I am meeting him Sunday just to have the “final” talk and I’m trying to work up the strength to be sure to say goodbye and not let him talk me back into staying. I guess I just felt the need to do the “official” break up in person. Although I’ve been telling him for months that I’m not comfortable with his relationship with his ex wife.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-210281 Gaynor Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:01:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-210281 Happy Recovery to us all!!!!! Happy Recovery to us all!!!!!

]]> By: Rachel http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-210270 Rachel Fri, 19 Dec 2008 19:12:44 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-210270 Haha... on a lighter note... this website has replaced all of the emails that I used to get all day long from my EUM. I find myself checking out of habit and instead of a disappointing nothing I get updates from this site which keeps me on the right track in my recovery. Thanks again to everyone! Haha… on a lighter note… this website has replaced all of the emails that I used to get all day long from my EUM. I find myself checking out of habit and instead of a disappointing nothing I get updates from this site which keeps me on the right track in my recovery. Thanks again to everyone!

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-210122 Gaynor Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:52:28 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-210122 M, He hasn't let go of the ex at all. You need to get out of this situation unless you're willing to share him with another woman. M,

He hasn’t let go of the ex at all. You need to get out of this situation unless you’re willing to share him with another woman.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-210120 Gaynor Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:51:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-210120 T Baby, I wonder if they stay up nights thinking up excuses. Lord, i've never seen anything like it. Why did the ex divorce him? You know even though this man was divorced I always felt like the mistress, it was so strange. I'm sure you felt the same way, always being number 2,3,4,......... Does he recognize how much he does for her and not you. T Baby,

I wonder if they stay up nights thinking up excuses. Lord, i’ve never seen anything like it.

Why did the ex divorce him? You know even though this man was divorced I always felt like the mistress, it was so strange. I’m sure you felt the same way, always being number 2,3,4,……… Does he recognize how much he does for her and not you.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/reader-question-why-cant-mr-unavailables-either-let-go-of-their-ex-or-return-to-them/comment-page-2/#comment-210113 Gaynor Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:27:25 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1589#comment-210113 Astelle, He 'claimed' numerous times that he ended the marriage. He said he did the things he did b/c he felt guilty for leaving. The funny thing is is that she asked for a reconciliation but he refused to go back. Any thoughts??? Did your ex-husband love you? Or is it only due to the ego that they hold on? Astelle, He ‘claimed’ numerous times that he ended the marriage. He said he did the things he did b/c he felt guilty for leaving. The funny thing is is that she asked for a reconciliation but he refused to go back. Any thoughts???

Did your ex-husband love you? Or is it only due to the ego that they hold on?

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