Comments on: Reader story: He did me a favour by cutting contact.

By: HMR

HMR — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 03:44:46 +0000

My first relationship after my divorce was with a co-worker. He was seperated from his wife and ended up getting back together with her. Looking back now, he did me a favor by making the contact outside of work rule. I couldn’t risk my job and did have a few angry e-mails back and forth but he was also very careful to keep quiet about what was happening at home so I didn’t have to hear it. It took a lot of work on both of our parts but looking back now to the ex who has been “friends” since he moved I realize no contact can be hard, but it is much faster road to moving on. NML’s comments about them cutting contact in order to teach you a lesson is right on. Mine just did that again yesterday, but rather than panic I agreed that the “friendship” was unhealthy for me and no contact was best. He tried to leave the door open for “down the road” but I blocked him every way I can – also to protect me from myself as well. It’s been a bit tough but for the first time I feel good about the decision.

By: Margaret

Margaret — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 11:09:02 +0000

This site is a godsend. I was so so in love with him, like never before, told him all my secrets everything, he slowly but surely grinded me down from a confident independant woman to an insecure attention seeking mess….told me no one wanted to hear my opinions, that he would never marry me, etc etc, for the first year he loved my opinions, wanted to get married, adored me, etc etc. I was in heaven!!! then it all changed, he would say things that were just not very nice, put down what i did for a living, etc then say he was joking…….and what was wrong with me?
, I would say nothing but eventually every time I would get drunk I would go mental at him, he would throw me out, and say i had a problem and it must be my childhood issues, that there was something worng with me, blah blah, told his family, whom i got on really well with, that I was nuts and had problems… then would take me back to see how things would go…….and all I did was love him….Ihe then dumped me by txt!!!!!! I am so upset still, that was a month ago, I too sent emails explaining my feeling etc and he would give a one line reply, i then emailed him apologising and got a txt saying that sorry was just not good enough this time!!!! I have seen him since but did not contact him until yesyerday when I saw a lovely dog like his and txt him saying I woulds like to see the dog, that I missed him and would like to take him out…..he said i could but feel like a fool now..

By: Sarah

Sarah — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 02:35:46 +0000

@Missy

Wow! I have a lot of respect for woman like you! What he did was terrible and I’m glad you have moved on.

By: Missy

Missy — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:51:16 +0000

I was married to an EUM and never realized it until I was reading these posts. He was a cop in a small town but thought A LOT about himself. He was moody and hard to live with but somehow it was always my fault. He wasn’t like that until we married and he got me away from my friends. He would get upset with me over silly things and then not speak to me for 2-3 days. I would try so hard to make up with him but it would only get worse. I would go to bed crying and he would just walk through the bedroom and sigh and tell me to “knock it off”. He finally came home after 11 months of marriage and threw his wedding ring on the coffee table and said he “didn’t feel married” anymore. He said there wasn’t another woman but he still threw me out. He was taking his new girlfriend to his son’s baseball games within 2 weeks to show her off. I would call him and text him constantly at first. Finally, I called him one Sunday asking him why was he doing all this? Didn’t he love me? Didn’t he miss us? He screamed into the phone..”There is no US”. I never called him again. The NC rule is good thing. You’re not doing to see if the guy will miss you, or notice you’re not around. You’re doing it for yourself. So, you can just not sit and think about him all the time. Make yourself do something, anything. I would clean out my purse, wash my car, call a friend. I promise that eventually you will get through it. Be strong ya’ll.

By: Vivian

Vivian — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:02:13 +0000

My God. To think I was all alone. I have not told my story but I had to post here. The eggshell part really got to me in one of the lower posts. I am very confident and he started to make me feel all needy and low self esteemish and he could not assure me. He actually just walked out on me and its been two months. No contact for three weeks. I have not tried and neither has he. This site is a Godsend.

By: Butterfly

Butterfly — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:48:12 +0000

I blocked contact in every way I could think of. He knows full well that I do what I say I will do and probably doesn’t think I mean it about HIM of course (classic narcissism, with all signs and symptoms) so if he has tried to get in touch or not I don’t know, and I am making myself believe each day that passes that I don’t care. Lucky escape!

By: Greek

Greek — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 17:00:49 +0000

I LOVE THIS POST! My ex broke up with me in an email after he ignored me for 6 straight days after an argument. The argument was based upon something HE did that I deemed disrespectful. Of course bc he is a narcissist (I am just now realizing), he only thought I was overreacting and being ridiculous. I have struggled with all of the common feelings of rejection bc after the break up, I contacted him via email a few times to voice how I felt. I have not heard a peep from him since he sent that email almost two months ago. I have realized he DID do me a favor and I should be nothing BUT grateful that he never responded or has contacted me since. I am slowly moving forward and am slowly healing from all of the pain he inflicted on me. I will be a better person in the end bc of this experience.

By: Dolly

Dolly — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:07:58 +0000

I have read threw the posts and I am angry! Angry by the fact that all over the world, men continue to treat us like absolute shit – ** NEWS FLASH** Because.we.let.them.

My EUM and i seemed to be getting on fine, until I was having a bad day, took it out on him – emailed to ask to meet me for lunch and he ignored. That was 8 days ago – absolutely cut contact.

Woopidoo – his ego has taken a knock since someone I irritated him. So what! That does not give them the right to completely ignore you, just because they want to ‘teach us a lesson’ – teach me a lesson all you want honey, my life is moving on!

I am NOT one of these girls that sits and waits on the perfect relationship! If he just isnt that into me, I can accept that! Life goes on..plenty more fish in the sea!

I just find it a tad unnerving that we ladies allow these 100% complete assclowns to waltz in and out of our lives, push, pull, toy with our emotions, reduce us to a jittering wreck, destroy our self esteem – all the while they have no idea what impact their little ” I will ignore and readdress the balance” has on us!

We have got to be stronger than this. And quite frankly, if THEY do pull the ignoring card, they clearly have absolutely no BALLS to sit down and say ” you know what, its not working, its over” – it is pathetic!

I use the NML phrase to the max – “what has he done for me lately”, that would be NADA. He has done nothing for me ‘lately’ other than annoy me, reduce me to tears, and complicate my life.

I dont need him. At the end of the day boys – if you are reading this – do us all a favour and dont get back in touch! IF IT’S OVER – IT IS OVER. It is not a 2-way street.

By: Lola

Lola — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:29:47 +0000

O.k I’m new and I have a question.. I was actually the one that borke it off with him because somthing was simply missing and I had just broken off a 4 year relationhsip so I told him I was not ready and needed time to be alone..so we eneded up good, he said he understood, although he cried and felt hurt, he said that he still wanted me in his life as a friend and he thank me for being there for him during hard times. So then we texted, as friends, for the next couple of days after the break off, and after that when I tried texting again and calling him just to see how he was doing he doesn’t text back or answer my calls..NOW, why the heck does this bother me sooo much when I was the one that broke off with him and I wold not want to date him now at all?? and why is he acting like this after saying he wants me in his life?

By: Karen

Karen — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 16:34:28 +0000

It is because of posts and people like you betterwithouthim that I have come to realize that I am not alone, and that I was not as insane as I thought I was. Believe me, I have endless journal entries as well because I truly thought that I was insane. It is easy for us to blame ourselves and throw this whole brunt of this type of relationship on ourselves. I was glad too to find this site and read that others where going through the same EXACT things that I was! What a relief! And then that there were tools we could actually use to help ourselves get through it. I truly believe this site has helped many of us! Thanks again Brad! And I look forward to reading more posts and coming here whenever I need support or have a question or have a weak moment! Thanks betterwithouthim…. glad I am not alone!!!! Thanks to all for posting!!!

By: Betterwithouthim

Betterwithouthim — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:47:18 +0000

Brad K – your posts here are great. Thanks for the insight and feedback. Love the humor and visual of the EUM with TP!!! LOL

Good luck Karen, and thanks for posting as well.

By: Betterwithouthim

Betterwithouthim — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:40:39 +0000

Karen, I’m wondering if we were with the same EUM!
Your words are almost exactly the same ones that I had written and logged in my journal. I had to start the journal because somehow I would conveniently “forget” all the crappy things he did and said to me and would get sucked back in by his charming ways only to feel worse. The journal helped me kick the addiction and go with NCR because I really thought I was losing my mind.

You’re on the right track now, keep going forward it gets much easier the more time that passes.

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:38:12 +0000

Karen, you mentioned “When he starts telling me about his life” – I would break in – don’t bother to let him finish something personal. “No. This feels rude to me – please let me get back to work now.”

I think the red flags start with respect, honesty, discipline. These have to be there – they are what distinguishes a slick line of gab from someone highly experienced in winning bed partners (a life skill they *won’t* be giving up, ever) from the often inept but heartfelt connection that builds, over time, with someone of character. Leave the fireworks and adventures for vacations – a long term relationship is about security.

Hint – a person that confuses the world with hunting grounds for intimate encounters is too confused to be emotionally available. Some people do find the love of their lives at work – but nothing much happens on company time – that lacks discipline, honor to the employer, and respect for each other. Don’t think of this guy as a co-worker. Think of him as a predatory co-worker. Any time he starts getting friendly or intimate, imagine him as a thug in an alley, knife in one hand, hand on a gun, disdainful leer on his face. “Erp, Gotta go.” Or maybe visualize him as just coming from an interview with the CEO – with toilet paper stuck to the seat of his pants. No, no, that wouldn’t be respectful. Imagine instead that his pants were split up the back. “Erp. Gotta go.”

Luck!

By: Karen

Karen — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:38:16 +0000

Oh– one more thing… I would love to hear if you (Brad) or anyone else has any other suggestions or advice or comments… I need all the help and clarifying I can get (as Im sure we all do on this site) Im glad I have you all to come to!!! =) xoxoxoxoxo

By: Karen

Karen — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:30:03 +0000

Wow Brad… .Thank you sooo much… this REALLY helped. You have a great way of helping to make things clearer. I am currently working with a therapist on improving my self esteem and self image as I see from this site and understanding having been in this type of relationship, that it is really Ourselves that we need to work on. I do have to say that raising one’s self esteem takes time… but that definetely being involved in a relationship with an EUM reaks havoc on it. I have always had a pretty decent level of self esteem– and feel more so that having been with an EUM it has made it worse. I guess that is what I fear and question the most… the fact that if i felt healthy and entered into this relationship not from a place of lack but from a place of wanting to share my love and myself with someone and feel like I was totally side swiped and didnt even see this coming…. I have to be more conscious and aware of RED Flags early on. It has been soo confusing to understand how and why someone recipricates soo little and can take and take and not give back. The bigger question however (and now know) is how I could have accepted soo little (crumbs) and been ok with it. I guess I feel I fell in love…and expected a “normal” response but instead his selfishness, lack of recipricoty felt soo confusing and it triggered something inside of me to feel soo insecure, needy and plunged me into wanting to give more and do more because I felt #1 that I had done something to cause him to be that way with me…and #2…I guess to prove that I was loveable by continuing to give and give and give without hardly receiving anything in return thinking that thats what was lacking. Like NML says…. towards the end (I ended it after almost TWO years!!) it became more of an addiction (or at least thats what it felt like) to get him to validate all that I had done for him and for everything that I felt. I was ANGRY that the words I LOVE YOU, I appreciate you etc…etc..etc…could come out of his mouth— but lacked all the actions to back it up. I felt I had been betrayed … How could he use Love and those types of words filled with emotions JUST to get what he wanted?? I had been nothing but kind, generous, caring, loving, supportive — you name it! I didnt deserve what he did. He knew I didn’t want to get hurt…just wanted the truth…. if things weren’t going to work out– he didnt have to string me along. In the end I guess I was more mad at myself for allowing it to happen. When he threw the crumbs… I jumped to grab them….when instead I should have thrown them back in his face and said… NOT ENOUGH!!! I deserve more… I deserve better than this crap. It took awhile but finally the lack of EVERYTHING took its toll…and I finally realized that he was not going to change or give me more or do anything for that matter!! –including ending it himself instead of me having to do it. It was hard to finally come to that place….to let go of the dreams I had in my mind, to let go of the hope and most of all, having to let go of someone not because you dont love them….but because you know they are not good for you and because at some point you have to say enough is enough!!!… what is it going to take? All the lies and empty promises hurt like hell because you form these ideas and fantasasies in your mind of a life with this person and all the while they have no real intentions of ever coming through with them. I felt misled… because I know I didn’t put these ideas in my head all on my own….he had a part in making me believe that things could happen with him– if i just waited a little more, if i was more patient… if I ..blah blah blah!!! I can’t believe that these types of people are soo selfish and heartless and un-empathetic to the feelings of others or how unaware they are of how their behavior impacts the other party. Either way— Thank you soo much again for what you wrote. I guess little by little I will get through this. No.. in fact I know I will– because I am determined…I have to … for me!!! It is one of the hardest relationships that I have had!!! Seriously, I think more and more women (and men) need to be made aware of what to look out for to avoid these types. I am slowly rebuilding myself up again……. I hope that I can remain strong when he returns…. he is not being rude or hurtful…he is just trying to see if i am still there and if i still care…I keep it short and professional not engaging in any further conversations that are not related to work matters. When he starts telling me about his life…I just say… you know what…. sorry– I have to run into meeting now… gotta go!! And that takes courage and an insurmountable amount of strength to not want to hear or care or think about him. Or to not feel “bad” that I am being short and indifferent with him… .when I was once so loving and caring. Sometimes I say…. I want to know and engage in conversation and do the “Friend” thing…but I continue to read NML’s posts as well as everyone elses to remind myself that he is not my friend. That friends don’t lie or make you feel insecure, unappreciated… or that someone who truly loves and cares for you won’t just say things to take advantage of you or just to be selfish. I keep telling myself… I used to be the weak woman in his presence…. but I am now a stronger and wiser person who realizes that she had a lot of love to give…just chose the wrong person to give it to.

Thanks for listening!!!!