Real-ationships: Drawing the Fine Line

April 18, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante

couple in shadow by fountain I think there are several types of “imaginary” relationships (IR). Some of these relationships are purely in the minds of those who create them, while others of them are very real indeed, they just fail to meet society’s standard of normal. You can be in an imaginary relationship where one partner believes the two are heavily involved, much to the surprise of the other partner. It can be a relationship where one person has so intertwined themselves with another in their mind that they believe something exists where absolutely nothing has been or will ever be. Your IR can be one in which both parties acknowledge the feelings and desires of the other, but cannot make it work because of time or space. It can be a relationship where you are secretly involved, preventing anyone else from affirming your relationship and thereby making it real. Regardless, imaginary relationships involve a gross majority of the people I know, and therefore must fall victim to my relational analysis.
Let’s begin with the funniest of the four categories: The Real Imaginary Relationship.
I recently met a woman, so deluded by her own longings and desires, that she had actually created a relationship with a man who, for all intents and purposes, scarcely knows she’s alive. She talks about him constantly. She drinks too much and cries about the lost love they will never share. She keeps his picture everywhere. She writes about him online. She goes above and beyond what is normal to see him or simply be in the same room. She punishes herself daily by entertaining her own delusions. I know you may think this is sad, not funny, but when you take into account that this is purely self inflicted without any outside encouragement, it becomes a bit funny. If you were forced to
listen to and read her declarations of love, you’d chuckle. And if you actually experienced it, well, just don’t be drinking anything that may burn when it comes out of your nose. Next, and only slightly less entertaining: The One Sided Relationship.
Now, as someone who has been on both sides of it, it’s not really funny. People can get hurt. But looking back, it’s a bit more humorous that I saw at the time. Now, this can have multiple dynamics. One person can think it’s just a hook up while the other believes it’s a relationship. This results from a lack of communication or serious stupidity on the
part of one or both partners. If he only calls at night, it’s not a relationship. If she only loves you when there’s no one better around, it’s not a relationship. If he tells people you’re ugly, disgusting, and a mistake when they ask about you, it’s not a relationship. If she knows you’re in town and goes to see someone else instead, it’s not a relationship. Common sense can be a God send my loves. This is when I think it’s funny.

Alternatively, this can be the result of dishonest communication. If he’s laying in bed with you, spouting the usual “I love you…When we’re married…Our kids would be…I want you and only you forever,” crap, then I’d say you are completely blameless in thinking it’s a real relationship. The only solution to this one is to hope that your friends are honest enough to tell you the truth. He may be able to lie to you, but when you’re not around you’d better believe the rest of the world knows what’s going on. Be a good friend. Tell your sister if her man is using her as a compost heap. You’d want her to do the same for you. This is when it ceases to be funny and becomes simply mean and sad.

The next form of the IR is the: What Could Be Relationship.
Using myself as an example, I have been loosely involved with someone for over three years. I have never been physically intimate with this person, despite spending countless nights together. We have spent more hours in deep conversation than most “real” couples. He loves the little things about me. He respects me. He really appreciates everything that I do. I love the little things about him. I respect him. I support him and appreciate him. Just last week we stood in the twilight of 4am and talked about the amazing dynamic of our friendship. It is a friendship tinged with romance and a pure love. It’s what could be if it was ever allowed to be. It’s as real as something can be without actually existing.

Finally, there’s The Secret Romance.
This relationship, for whatever reason, must remain secret. Perhaps one or both parties are involved with someone else. Maybe it would upset someone else who has feelings for your partner. It’s possible that you’ve tried before and failed so you don’t want to attempt it again publicly until you’re sure that this time will last. Maybe it’s your mother’s ex-boyfriend. I don’t know. Whatever the situation, it’s something that requires you to love in silence and live in shadow. You cannot announce your love or happiness, so it’s less real. You cannot make public appearances or do regular “couple things.” It’s like a thought. It only exists for you until it’s said out loud. Similarly, if you can’t “live out loud,” then your relationship only exists for you. Even something more real that anything you’ve even known remains imaginary.

So, the question remains, “Where do you draw the line between what’s real, and what’s simply a figment of our imaginations?” I guess it’s up to each of us, so let your imagination run wild.
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