Real Life Diary of an Addict: Detox - Week #8
May 26, 2006 by Pocahantas
Pochahantas’ journey continues in trying to shake her Mr Unavailable, but it seems that even though she took two steps forward, she’s taken twenty steps back. It’s safe to say that a hardcore detox is neccessary before the self destruct button gets hit….
***
J warned me that this would happen.
I’ve spent the last three nights in his room trying to erase the memories, the bad karma, the negative energy that you…that we left in my room.
My sheets still smell like you, and though the smell generally lulls me, soothing me into a sleep boasting the most pleasant dreams; but now it viciously taunts me, reminding me of what was and can never be.
You and me. I can’t make myself wash them for fear you’ll really disappear.
You promised you’d be back and that we’d be “together” when you were “together.”
Right.
I was too tired to protest. And it’s easier to give in when I haven’t protested too much to begin with.
I know I’ll give in. I always do.
Dude. I freaking hate you.
All of my emotional energy has gone and I realise that I’m a shell of the person that I once was.
I used to be strong. Known to my girls as a player of sorts, a bad girl. I never gave my heart, until you.
You, who have built me up, made me trust in men, value their worth, and believe in the ideal of happily ever after. You who have disappointed me, hurt me, and left me with naught but the tattered shreds of my shattered pride to mock me.
You who have broken my heart into so many pieces not by lying to me, not by deceiving me, but by allowing me to believe in a future.
By not allowing me to let go, you’ve hurt me more than anyone ever has.
By promising me the world, you’ve destroyed the one into which I am forced to awaken each day.
By denying me my closure you’ve ensured that I will become my dreaded Ms. Havisham; solitarily awaiting the return of a love that was never to be. I thought you were gone, but you remain.
Deeply ensconced in the visceral realms of my shattered heart. Mocking me with my own words. Crushing me, killing me, defeating me.
I lose. I have lost. Simply because I’m still in love with you.
Real Life: Diary of an Addict: Detox Week #4
Real Life: Diary of an Addict:Detox Week #3
Real Life: Diary of An Addict: Detox Week #2
Real Life: Diary of An Addict: Detox Week #1
Pocahantas is a 23 year old fiesty female with loads of common sense and yet an unstintingly healthy dose of cynicism when it comes to men and relationships. Tune in weekly for her reality check on single living in the great US of A.
A selection of posts
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Hmmmm….two months huh? At least you’ve finally admitted that you still love him. And that’s the first step right? Now, you need to separate and give yourself time to heal. If you keep in contact you’ll never be able to move on completely.
Kisses chica