On Valentine’s Day, I channeled ‘old me’ to share Reflections: Knowing Your Own Love. This time I’m exploring wanting to be liked….
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I want you to like me because I want to like me too. If you like me, then I can see me through your eyes. You could show me who I am. With you I’d get to see my best bits and this void I walk around with would fill with happiness.
I want you to like me but I do wonder why I need this so much because it wasn’t so long ago that you didn’t exist in my life. Does it matter who you are?
I put a lot of effort into getting you to like me but if I’m honest, I’m not sure that I like you. Of course I’m not going to tell you this although I suspect that on some level you must know, otherwise you wouldn’t have pursued so relentlessly until I finally began to cave.
I feel as if I ‘should’ like you though because you like and want me. I need to ‘give back’. I feel guilty and so even though I’m not really that into you, I’ve become afraid of acting upon it because then, you wouldn’t be around to like me and then the hunger and ache would kick in and I’d have to find somebody else.
It’s not that I don’t have friends – quite the opposite – but I need the type of approval that I only get from someone who would truly have to love me in order to potentially be around me all of the time. That used to be family… it’s now people like you.
Now that you like me, I’m almost dependent on it. I like the feeling but sort of hate it too. What do you want with me? It’s so much pressure.
It doesn’t last long but your intensity is a huge confidence boost. It feels as if I could pretty much say anything and you’d think I was the bees knees. I end up convincing myself that I fancy you because you fancy me, so for a while, I fancy myself.
I take how you seem to feel about me and feed it to my starving self.
I just want to be liked. No I don’t; I want to be loved. I need to be loved. Is that going to be you? Is it? I really want it to be because then I could stop feeling this way – unlovable.
I know how this story ends though. I want you to like me because I want to like me too but in the end, neither of us will like me. It might be because you get tired of reassuring someone who seemed so self-assured at the outset, or it might just be because the novelty has worn off and my secret, the ‘real me’ has been exposed.
How wonderful it would be if things were different, but they won’t be so I do this dance because for a little while I enjoy the fantasy until the anxiety about you suddenly seeing who I am begins to creep in over the music and gets increasingly louder.
I know that I can ‘pull’… I just have a poor retention rate. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering, What’s wrong with me?
Now that I feel like this, I really do fancy you. I think I love you or at least it feels like this now that everything is so uncertain and I suspect or even know that you don’t really want me anymore. I felt the change. You’re not so enamored anymore. Now I want you. Now you’re inflated into The Best Person On Earth TM and my happiness supply. I convince myself that I can only be happy with you. I want it to be just like beginning.
I’ll be found out. I never really allow myself to relax or for anyone to get too close to me because like everyone, you’ll either leave or find something wrong with me and then treat me differently. I’ll be tarnished by the misstep of being me. I know this story; it’s been my life.
The secret will be out. To be fair, as the sands of time start trickling down, I become increasingly erratic anyway, and I go from being confident and optimistic (read: fantasising), to insecure with notes of desperation. When it’s all over, I cringe at how un-me I was and this behaviour, which is ironic because, well, I don’t like me anyway.
But I’m not sure that’s true. I don’t dislike me – I just hate the thoughts in my head.
The worst part is that I wanted you to like me but as usual, I didn’t really like you, yet I’m devastated that it’s over and that I failed again. What have I failed at though? Not getting the fake me liked because let’s be real, I spend so much time people pleasing that much as I may feel slighted by it not working out, they never got to know me anyway.
As the dust settles and if I’m truthful, a temporary calm kicks in from not having to perform or deal with the anxiety of being ‘found out’. I know that I did want you to like me but that whatever I ended up liking about you was really about my own potential. It was about how I saw myself with you… even if I was tempted to take a Sharpie to you… Really, this is about my own ego and it feels like a loss because the ‘better me’, the fantasy, is gone. I miss you because I miss who I hoped that I’d be.
Sometimes instead of being swept up by somebody that I don’t like, I admire somebody who gives me butterflies and activates this deep need for their love and approval. It has the familiarity of home, like little me wanting my father.
I do this dance many times.
The harder I try to be liked is the more that I hate me and I hit the bottom of bottom. I can’t do this anymore. I wonder, Am I really that bad?
What if I’m not who I think I am?
What if I’m different from my thoughts?
What if my interpretation is wrong? Oh how much time I will have wasted if I’ve judged me wrongly. I’d almost rather be right.
A lot of how I feel about me is my judgment or my interpretation of the judgments that I think others are making about me.
The thing is, whether people like me or love me, dislike me or hate me, whether I’m around family, friends, or lovers, the one thing that never changes is how I feel about me. I don’t like me anyway. That’s a problem and as I look back at my experiences, I realise that I’m the solution to my own problematic thoughts and attitude, and that’s actually a relief.
As long as I didn’t like me, any ‘ole person could come along and give me attention and it would look like a loaf because it was still appeared to be more than what I was giving me. When I started to feed me, crumbs looked like crumbs.
I want you to like me but I don’t need you to like me – I will survive and thrive anyway. Everything I ever wanted other people to be and do for me, I’m doing for me now because I realise that it’s this or be miserable.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Wiser it helped me a lot reading yr response to no-one. I’m suspecting something similar might have happened with the troublesome ‘friend’ I’ve posted abt here previously, & that it is reason she blew cold after her hot, hey, I’m yr new best friend ever phase.
I’ve stayed away of late & wouldnt you know who has been in touch wanting favours, supposed to be mutually beneficial. One I really didn’t want to do & she changed her mind about it so I got out of that one easily. The other remains up in the air. She thinks I’m going to do it for her. It’s selling off a bunch of musical gear for her adult son who is now located o.seas,which she can’t be bothered doing herself as she’s abt to head o.seas herself on a holiday & knows nothing abt musical equipt. She offered me a small % of the sale price if I took this task on but really it’s possibly not worth my time for all the effort I will have to put it, photographing the items, researching their specifications properly, advertising them, not to mention strangers coming to my home to view them (I esp don’t like the latter element). I’m also stopping smoking sometime within the next week. If I haven’t heard from her by the time I stop smoking (she mentioned this 2 wks ago & hasnt bothered to f.up since even though I’ve indicated limited availability as time goes on) I’m going to tell her, sorry but you took too long to follow up & in the interim it’s become no longer convenient for me to do.
The issue with this woman in hindsight was that I felt used in a hot phase tht lasted 12 mths then dumped for reasons I just had no clue about as to why. It left me reeling as she really came on strong & living nearby, with me having few friends in my area I felt happy that this seemed to be changing (2 other.friends nearby previously moved away).
This woman leaves to go o.seas in a week & I feel as though I’m abt to be used again otherwise ie I can see herdumping the music gear on my doorstep just b4 she leaves & leaving me to handle it all even I’ve never even met her son & communicating with him on the other side of the world as to what prices he wants, & then having to check if someone makes a lower offer, will be quite a headache. Different story if it was my stuff & I was making those decisions myself but tht wouldn’t be the case. I have already told her all this & impressed upon her if tht if she wants me to do this task for her it needs to be while she’s here so things can be arranged properly.
I’m half hoping she just changes her mind abt asking me to do it at all. We will see. It will be somewhat satisfying if she approaches me at the last minute though & I can then say, look sorry, but I’m too busy with other things now (like concentrating on quitting smoking from which I dont want any interruptions!)
I don’t care if she doesn’t like me if I end up changing my mind. I’d much rather be not liked than used again!!
Teachable, set a boundary, then go low/no contact. Bo bold. This sounds bad. Am I reading too much into it? I would never ask some one for that big a favor and offer a small percentage, not a fair trade. She sounds borderline- uses people, values and then abruptly discards them, manipulates into doing her work, (all textbook) just tell her that you are busy yourself and this is tedious. Too much work and inconvenience for a young man you’ve never met. Not your job. At all. You’ve already spent too much time on this- what’s she doing for you? Tell her you will write the ad copy and post, but she will need to sell the stuff out of her home or find some one else to do that. Enough. You are doing more than most people would that’s for sure. If she is personality disordered, expect a rage-a-holic tantrum or passive aggressive smear campaign. If you stay friends, it will be more of the same, her trying to use you. Go NC, then you can be free of her. Relief. Sounds like you know the score- but are surrounded by these types (your family?). Sorry if I sound preachy? Saturate yourself with knowledge on those blog sites so you can recognize them within hours (not slowly dawning on you weeks or months into friendship) as this will give you a peaceful BPD-free future. Disengage, quietly walk away, from all of them, because any communication is eventually perilous, for you, not them. That’s how they work. You know this.
Teachable,
Why not just tell her no? Then stop all contact? I’m sorry, but you’re really making this difficult for yourself.
ps I havent flat out told this woman I’m not actively seeking her friendship anymore as it could very messy as she mixes in my social circles & iv already said everything I need to say to her abt why our friendship was no longer working for me from my end. thus, instead im doing a bit of damage control & just not actually contacting her. she did this to me for long enough tht im sure in time she will realise the jig is up. she contacted me though asking these favours & I kind of got sucked in as I just wasnt expecting it. thts at least a learning thing for me. I will know from now if she’s contacting me its only b.c she wants something so I will be able to be much more on guard to just straight out say no next time. oh well. we live & we learn! kinda kicking myself a bit not to have foreseen something like this might arise! duh me! grr!
I learned early on that most folks will not like me. My own parents were hoping, I assume, that I would be lighter like my brothers, would be a sweet little doll rather than the tomboy that I was, and would be conventionally pretty like my mother. In high school, I was literally spat upon by the cute jocks because I was not blonde and Norwegian like them. Instead of going to the prom, I was forcing myself to walk by these douches with head held high, with dignity, no matter how much it hurt. The at work AC reminds me of those guys sometimes. Today, still there are folk that positively hate strong, successful women, especially brown ones with high standards in men. Nothing I can do about them, except NOT morph myself into what they want. I just wish such folk were up front and honest about their hatred/dislike and not make nice, use me for attention until a June Cleaver comes into their life.
RachelC; tough love time: dump his sorry ass!
Roberto: exes are EXES for a reason. I love my ex husband, we are still friends, often he stays at my home every year but NO sleeping together. That is reserved ONLY for someone who is in a mutual, committed relationship, period. No relationship right now = no sex, period.
Mags: I am putting down tobacco for you, praying that you find a better position. I realize good academic jobs are hard to find, been there. A lot of folk think its not any different than finding a job as a waitperson, or cashier, not true at all.
Yep, folks I changed by BR name, I too was getting a tad paranoid that my real identity would be found out.
noquay, liml?mt!
Mary I understand yr reaction to this topic as I don’t really relate to this sort of internal dialogue either. of course, like everyone, I hope that people will like me but growing up as an ostracised child, who retreated to the WONDERFUL world of books, where I was actually quite happy in my own company, I’ve never cared about being liked anyway. Through reading I realised at a very early age that there was a whole world far removed from small minded people who didn’t even know me not liking me. I decided instead to seek out that world in real life & to hell with what anyone thought of me!
This can go against ppl like me sometimes though as in work settings for example, we might not really socialise much with work ppl outside of work hours, so wrongly be viewed as aloof. I actually was told I came across this way for this reason once in this context. the truth was I had 2 jobs & was studying also so was too busy pursuing goals tht were really important to me, to have time for socialising w work colleagues on weekends. It may sound selfish but not being a drinker, fri night after wrk drinks also were unappealing so I just never went. was I less liked for these choices? well actually it turned out yes! (I went on to exp bullying in tht workplace & in trying to work out why one colleague said maybe the dynamic I describe above was part of the reason. not so sure abt tht. sounds like just an excuse for unacceptable & unlawful behaviour to me, however, I digress…)
I think though tht deep down most ppl relate to wanting some to love them. not at any cost though. if we have put up with crap in a past r.ship though we have trangressed our boundaries in some way. perhaps it would help to think of this post in tht light instead ie what was our self talk when we were allowing our boundaries to be transgressed? therein will lies our ‘personal versions’ of internal dialogue as it relates to this post. I hope tht helps a bit from a fellow ‘couldn’t care less if ppl like me not’ type person. T
I am sat here, crying so hard that I am coughing and spluttering in between. I had to read the words out loud and that made me howl in a pain I can’t even understand but that is so big it needs to scream from every cell in my body.
How and where did it all get this bad. The words are so true. I had never questioned throughout all my relationships, even when I was being emotionally abused.
It made me cry as I felt a mixture as I did the stupid thing of wishing my AC a happy birthday after 4 months of NC. We have birthdays 3 weeks apart he never remembered.
Funnily he said he was ready to talk to me and tell me what did work and what didn’t but his excuse was he was so busy, manically busy with work and he could not possibly email me.
When I emailed today he had the day off and was having lunch with an old girlfriend who was over for a bit!
What an idiot I am, the thing is we as women are stupid this guy is telling me he is off this weekend, is going out to lunch with whoever. Yet had no time in all of that to acknowledge me.
I was not a priority I was a nothing. I wasn’t special enough to warrant anything.
I have since blocked his emails, I had deleted his number and have no other means of contacting him.
I am hurting, it’s more like a sick, nauseas feeling that I can’t really put the right words to. It is also the words ringing through…”you stupid girl what were you thinking??”
Poor you Naz. Thanks for sharing this as I am sure it helps others who are tempted to break NC. I have been tempted recently and it has been hard. One of the things that stops me, as I have posted before, is that by remaining NC, if I do have the misfortune of thinking about him, I can make his life any old pile of shit I care to make it. Really, my imagination knows no bounds on this subject.
He may have been lying about the lunch with the ex, but either way, Contact = Pain. NC leads to relief and freedom and concentrating on the person you can change (not him) the person who matters (not him) the person you should be loving, caring for and respecting (no, it’s not him) Dust yourself off girl and get back on the NC wagon.
Naz..Never believe anyone when they say that they are ‘too busy’…What that means is they are too busy ‘for you’ and that they don’t care enough to keep in touch..No one is THAT busy…I’m sorry you feel the way you do. I can totaly relate and it’s not a feeling unique to women. I hope you heal soon to the point of total indifference.
Ohh Magnolia I have a similar thing in work settings. If ever I’m called into a surprise meeting with my boss my heart skips a beat terrified I’m in some sort of trouble, even when I can’t think of anything I’ve done that might be wrong! If they give me notice of the meeting & then wait a while but don’t tell me what it’s about, it’s even worse, I fret terribly, convinced I’m about to get into some sort of abominable trouble & issued with a formal warning for something! For me this comes from the fact that this has actually happened (ie dailure to follow due process in wrk disciplinary proceedings tht surprise turned out to be be falsely trumped up complaints) as well as my childhood when I did get into trouble, often, even when I had done nothing wrong (this was common in one particular childrens home esp)! I’m such a wreck after these combined experiences tht I can no longer deal with this sort of thing at all. It’s totally destroyed my mental health. ugh.
eum roberto. who gives shit abt why yr ex wife is having sex with you! why are YOU having sex with HER?
Ooh teach, I think you are feeling a little bit better?
Thanks guys for your responses. They make it more real that he is a complete user even though my friends told me I just wasn’t listening.
Natasha I would love to look like Christina Hendricks. I’m more Dawn French but I’m slowly starting to love my body and try and treat it well at 38 it’s a long time coming.
I’m a really confident person except with men and I have used sex as a way to try and make myself attractive. It doesn’t work
Unfortunatley I work really closely with my AC so going NC is impossible but I wrote a list of boundaries out yesterday and if I can stick to the if you have to keep me a secret then it ain’t happening one at least for the moment then I’m slowly getting there.
Thank you again
OK Rachel you have triggered my Vicar of Dibley obsession. Just remember, Dawn French ends up with THIS guy.
http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTMxMjAwNDc5OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDI4NTA1Mg@@._V1._SX214_CR0,0,214,314_.jpg
This excuse for a man does not deserve you and I promise you, you will look back and see this.
I literally cannot describe just how much it unnerves me that everytime I come on this site, you have explicitly outlined the exact scenario that is playing out in my life. Obviously that suggests I am one of many who experiences these feelings etc. but still it spins me out and none more so than this post. It made me think and it made me cry. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach with an unforgiving dose of reality. And it’s exactly what I needed. Thank you so much.
….
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… “Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding — it’s embracing the fact that to err is indeed human. When you are self-compassionate in the face of difficulty, you neither judge yourself harshly, nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego. It’s not surprising that self-compassion leads, as many studies show, to higher levels of personal well-being, optimism and happiness, and to less anxiety and depression.
But what about performance? Self-compassion may feel good, but aren’t the people who are harder on themselves, who are driven to always be the best, the ones who are ultimately more likely to succeed?
To answer that, it’s important to understand what self-compassion is not. While the spirit of self-compassion is to some degree captured in expressions like give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack, it is decidedly not the same thing as taking yourself off the hook or lowering the bar. You can be self-compassionate while still accepting responsibility for your performance. And you can be self-compassionate while striving for the most challenging goals — the difference lies not in where you want to end up, but in how you think about the ups and downs of your journey. As a matter of fact, if you are self-compassionate, new research suggests you are more likely to actually arrive at your destination.
In their studies, Brienes and Chen asked participants to take either a self-compassionate or self-esteem enhancing view of a setback or failure. For example, when asked to reflect on a personal weakness, some were asked to “imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?”
Others were asked to instead focus on boosting their self-esteem: “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive qualities. What would you say?”
People who experienced self-compassion were more likely to see their weaknesses as changeable. Self-compassion — far from taking them off the hook — actually increased their motivation to improve and avoid the same mistake again in the future.
This increased motivation lead to demonstrably superior performance. For instance, in one study, participants who failed an initial test were given a second chance to improve their scores. Those who took a self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25 percent longer, and scored higher on a second test, than participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.
Why is self-compassion so powerful? In large part, because it is non-evaluative — in other words, your ego is effectively out of the picture — you can confront your flaws and foibles head on. You can get a realistic sense of your abilities and your actions, and figure out what needs to be done differently next time.
When your focus is instead on protecting your self-esteem, you can’t afford to really look at yourself honestly. You can’t acknowledge the need for improvement, because it means acknowledging weaknesses and shortcomings — threats to self-esteem that create feelings of anxiety and depression. How can you learn how to do things right when it’s killing you to admit — even to yourself — that you’ve done them wrong?
Here’s an unavoidable truth: You are going to screw up. Everyone — including very successful people — makes boatloads of mistakes. The key to success is, as everyone knows, to learn from those mistakes and keep moving forward. But not everyone knows how. Self-compassion is the how you’ve been looking for. So please, give yourself a break.”
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by Heidi Grant Halvorson
More on: Failure, Managing yourself, Personal effectiveness
HEIDI GRANT HALVORSON
Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D. is associate director for the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University Business School and author of ….
That’s really good DigginDeeper. Something i should remember.
Diggin Deeper- Thanks for the post on self compassion, ohh how we forget to cut ourselves some slack when we are under immense pressure. I am at the end of BA studies with three courses left and am struggling through my current course, and have decided to NC a man I’ve been seeing for over a year. As a result of school pressure and NC concentration I have become anxious. I stumbled across your post and feel relieved that I made a choice to take a day off from work to focus on my studies. The acceptance to be compassionate to myself amidst the chaos and anxiety of all these events has given me room to breath. Dang, I forget that I can do that sometimes.
Let me explain my situation more clearly, but should I post a new comment or reply to my own original?
I really appreciate the BR community and don’t want to offend anyone (People pleaser – ha).
@Selkie – sorry, i realize i am all over the place/hot mess lol.
I have no GF, i’m just her booty call, but i feel she may want more and is being patient with me. I told her about sex with xwife.
My real problem is not moving on after divorce, can’t get over ex-wife or i guess don’t want to let go,.. thanks to BR i realize that it is me trying to control the toxic situation.. I know now that I have to just get out of it instead of trying to manage it.
I’m not “self admitted narc” as another poster mentioned below – i was trying to switch the gender roles on my story of being married to BPD similar to a women being maried to NARC. I thought i would get more empathy if I try to get you to see my situation from that angle.
I was married to a CHOPPER since i was 19. i stuck it out till son is almost an adult now. I was isolated, gas lighted, emotionally, verball, physically abused, and sleep deprived because of the night time rages. I had to leave because she threated to kill me in my sleep.
I’m here to learn my part that i played in this dysfunctional dance.
After divorce, i kind of went a little bit wild, But I was faithfull during marriage.
my decision of how to handle this woman was to go low contact. that meant me no longer contacting her & if she contacted me not transmitting information abt my life to her & basically just getting off the phone safely – for me. I hadnt gone beyond thinking this as a strategy as things are a whirlwind when she makes an appearance & I was still reeling from the time from being literally bailed up in the supermarket & given a food voucher. (pretense of normal caring behaviour, making me doubt myself). I actually didnt expect to be hearing from her so this situation of her calling asking favours caught me totally unawares. her cold phase has lasted almost a year now. for the first while of tht I was still initiating contact but then stopped, after directly confronting her in a respectful way abt things I felt a bit uncomfortable abt. so really id already been low contact just not as strictly or conciously & not realising how serious the situation was in terms of my boundaries not being respected. (she stopped doing this after I raised it – for a while)
I had outright previously said no to being asked to sell the music gear earlier on. at the time I was still getting a proper income & said it’s actually a big job & just not worth the small amount of $ for the all the effort & hassle involved. this is what she is like though. months later, now my $ is much more precarious she calls out of the blue & asks again. I was caught unawares & precisely b.c I am so dead broke it didnt seem like so bad an idea IF she was around to assist, for reasons described.
I do plan to change my mind & simply say no if it turns out to be no longer convenient due to her delay. tht is easily done.
the bigger issue I think is what Anon said. That was a good post anon. the commonality b.tween my mother, sister & this woman is they ALL entered my life during a period of serious illness & they ALL have some sort of mental health issues (diagnosed or not). This is a time when I have been isolated from my real friends geographically as I just cannot travel over to them. A number have been out to visit me, (at least half a dozen) but of course they cant come regularly as they all live far away & work full time, & study or have partners, families etc.
Normally I would not befriend a person w any sort of PD, or bi-polar etc. I acknowledge this is discriminatory but i’ve a gutful of dealing w my mums PD & I’ve worked with ppl with these disorders (not as my chosen client grp, I avoided tht deliberately, but many survivors of sexual abuse & DV have these types of disorders so it was job to be trained in them as also do parents of kids at risk of homelessness, another of my former client groups). I don’t need or want to be dealing with those issues in my friendships so that has always been a boundary for me.
because this woman is undiagnosed (i suspect bi polar, she has some PD traits but I’m not sure what sub type & it’s very subtle) I just disbelieved what I was seeing & discounted it. I am not a psychiatrist, but if you knew the number of clients I’ve worked with with these disorders (including DID, Schitzophrenia, the lot) you would say, teach, are YOU crazy? Why are YOU invalidating what YOU know from two & half decades of practise wisdom? it is safe on
that basis to conclude this woman at least is suffering untreated bi polar disorder . That should have got my alarm bells ringing long ago! I heard the alarm but she kept chopping & changing her behaviour & until I shared here I thought I WAS crazy & must be imagining all this.
Oh dear. Teach to the dunces corner today
Reading this post hits home for me. From my earliest childhood memory my parents always emphasized and have shamed me if I wasn’t at my best behavior to be nice or act nice. As a result of that I have been a people pleaser to them and everyone around me my entire life. When I would stand up for myself I would be critized of being mean, nasty, unfriendly, disrespectful etc. I would then feel bad about myself and would try to make amends or retreat within myself always feeling unworthy and unlovable. I didn’t learn until well into my late 40′s what having boundaries were and that it is okay to exercise them with everyone and not to ever feel bad about it. Growing up in a family of dysfunction. I still struggle with being my authentic self especially with men for fear that I will not be liked, accepted and loved. I so tired of second guessing myself.
Late Bloomer- You sound just like me, I was raised to be a people pleaser and grew up in a dysfunctional home. I took on a lot of responsibility with my younger siblings and never really managed to figure out what I wanted from life until about 2 years ago. I will be 42 this year and have finally allowed myself to say no to people. I have also figured out that people pleasing gets me into bad relationships with men who pressure me and then I inevitably fold. I have also been in extremely possessive relationships where I was controlled by the other person. I gave up friends and didn’t pursue certain goals as a result of trying to keep the peace with a partner-whew what a waste.
Thank goodness for finally seeing the light. I have begun to create a safe space for myself to give up my self judgements, it’s helped me to accept myself even if other people don’t want to because i can’t or won’t please them. I just can’t sort through other people’s BS anymore. I need friends who are going to be honest with me and Love me for being me. And most importantly I gotta Love myself with each decision I make to protect my happiness.
what is lacking from yr posts is any sense tht u are wounded by yr love for anyone. All im hearing is yr sexual exploits (2 women, wild after divorce etc.
im also not buying yr ‘casual’ arrangement… something not adding up there at all for me from the woman’s perspective. if she is trying to learn trust why did you have sex with yr ex wife? where is the trust part exactly in that? b.c you TOLD her about this? don’t even think about saying yes b.c that would be too horriffic.
please read selkie’s post. minus the softening around the edges she phrases things with I’m leaning in the same direction but more bluntly worded.
u seem to be flat out kidding yrself.
it’s time to get real.
what is it you are seeking in yr life & from the BR community & what is the exact nature of problem you hoping to resolve?
sorry but no-one here is going applaud anyone else’s sexual conquests, as such things potentially cause others great harm.
You are no different & I fail to hear a tone of contrition let alone care or respect for these women.
I’m certainly better than two weeks ago tabitha. I had a very negative side effect/reaction to a medication I had to take for three days. it was awful. really, really awful & totally messed w my head. I stopped taking it & have slowly improved at least mentally since. thankyou for noticing. bless you xx
I think of you often Teach. I wish I lived closer to you and could help. You are an absolute INSPIRATION! Stay strong and take it easy.
I have a question about the part where they start to become annoyed because we ask for.constant reassurance.if the like us.
Is that what really annoys them? Aren’t they just going to pull away anyway, they are already giving crumbs and that is likely why we keep asking.
That’s a really good question asia…Sounds a bit like the chicken and the egg doesn’t it…Is it because they’re giving crumbs so we need reassurance or is that we keep wanting reassurance so they pull away…From my own experience, If i feel there’s too many crumbs, i tend to ask more questions for reassurance.
Asia,
I know that it would make me nuts if someone needed constant reassurance- nothing is more unattractive than insecurity.
If you require constant reassurance, I have to ask why you’re in the relationship to begin with? A healthy relationship does not require this, it should be easy.
Alison..It’s hard to know if your in an unhealthy relationship if you don’t have the knowledge to understand what ‘unhealthy’ is…That’s why we’re all in here, to understand and discern, the difference, so we can spot the red flags in future and have the tools at our disposal to back away. It might drive you nuts because your maybe not the one being insecure, but if you were, wouldn’t think you were being insecure at the time, it would seem rational and logical..Being truely in love makes us in a sense blind and distorts our reality..Being in here is to help us learn how to love and not be blinded at the same time. Also, who is to say that relationships should be easy?? Easy in what sense?? Unchanging?? Unevolving??..Sounds a pretty stagnant and boring relationship to me..I don’t want drama, but i certainly wouldn’t want, ‘easy’ either.
Paolo,
The people that I know that are in healthy relationships – and there are many of them – are not questioning or requiring reassurance, they know it works. Of course there can be issues at times, but they know that person will be there and do not question their loyalty and love.
There are some people who require constant reassurance due to their own insecurities, but there is also the possibility that needs are not being met, and so they are constantly questioning and twisting themselves inside out.
I would not want a relationship that is surrounded by drama – been there, done that – as it was too much work, and was not meant to work. No more crazy making!
This site is amazing with providing tools as well as support, but we must also be responsible to ourselves by acting when we are in unhealthy and abusive relationships. The most important lesson I have learned from this site is to love and care for me, if something does not feel right, I’m sure it’s not.
Lastly, I do want easy!!
Fair enough Allison..I know what you mean about needs not being met. Those are the times ive been insecure, but decided to hang around (out of more insecurity no doubt) instead of moving on.
This is one of your most brilliant posts, writing in the first person really makes your message relatable and I am sure this resonates with women from all cultures and ages. Someone asked, “when you started feeding yourself, what did you use as food?”, if I may answer, as I have travelled down this path and healed old wounds and come through the other side to recognize and participate in a healthy, joyful, loving, relationship that I never thought possible, and never could have sustained until I learned how to “feed myself”. The nourishment is Self-Care, self-compassion, to begin genuinely taking care of yourself like you would a beloved friend. I would ask myself in difficult situations, “if I were my best friend, how would I treat her, how would I handle this for her? How would I support her, or speak up for her?”, then I started treating myself like my own best friend, with care, love, empathy and trust: self-trust, requires a willingness to pay attention to your true desires, needs, preferences, and to honor them, defend them, as the most important priority in your life. Then you will begin creating a world that honors you, and reflects what is meaningful in your life, not a world that only serves to gain approval from others at the expense of your joy. This requires the courage to set boundaries, remembering that saying “no” to someone else usually means saying “yes” to yourself, and the harder it is to say no, the more important that “no” probably is.
Thank you for posting this, Natalie.
I’ve told myself recently that if I go about trying to impress people, it’s really because I actually have low self esteem because deep down I don’t impress myself. I can’t fool my subconscious. Even if I can fool other people–and even if I can fool myself on a conscious level.
I can lower my own expectations of myself so that I will meet them, instead of facing disappointment if I don’t meet higher ones. I can set a lower standard for my relationships and friends so that I won’t feel rejected by the ones I really want to be with . . . Ultimately, all this leads to is low self esteem/the vague nagging feeling of “I’m not good enough.”
It hurts because it’s cognitive dissonance. As a human being, I do know deep down that I am good enough, but due to not wanting to re-live past hurts (which doesn’t work), haven’t lived up to actually being who I truly am. Who I truly am has lived painfully long only as potential. I’m not sure who said this first but, “Remain in your comfort zone long enough, and you’ll be safe–and eventually sorry.”
In response to the video “Just because they’re not interested, it doesn’t mean they’ve made a value judgment of you”, it’s very true. Someone’s decision can say so much about THEM.
For example, I actually knew an EUM who could meet a woman he was really interested in, but if he talked to her and found that she was too independent and likely to leave him when he tried to be the one in control of the relationship, he would reject a relationship and relegate her to the booty call department. He would rather have a relationship with someone he was moderately interested in, but decidedly safer to get close to.
“Someone’s decision can say so much about THEM.”
This is crucial to get tattooed on our brains, that someone’s decision to, for example, choose another person over us, has NOTHING to do with our value or whether or not we’re “good enough.” I think if I hear this “not good enough” phrase again, I’m going to scream! Let’s kick this one to the curb, shall we?
Even more important is the fact that if you get rejected by someone, odds are that they aren’t even 100% conscious of why they don’t “want” you. I was talking to a good male friend recently (a nice guy, not EUM) about how he got together with his girlfriend, now his wife. At the time he was deciding between her and another woman, and when he chose his girlfriend, the other woman was devastated. I know this because we all were friends, and I spent many hours trying to comfort her. Like all of us, she agonized over wondering what was “wrong” with her. What had she done, or failed to do? Etc. We all know the drill. Happily, she got over it, moved on, everyone ended up ok.
But here’s the thing – it’s taken him almost 5 years to figure out what it was about Woman B that he didn’t like. And the answer was – nothing! There was nothing unlikable about her at all! She was and is a wonderful person. But something was “off” for him; for some reason he just wasn’t as comfortable with her as with his now wife.
Guess what. What was “off” was him. He had a horrible relationship with his mother who was a religious fanatic. He associated misery with his mother and his mother with religion, even though he didn’t make the link consciously. Woman B was starting to develop an interest in exploring her spiritual life, in a very healthy and positive way, but this set up some discomfort in my friend. He just didn’t “feel right” when he was with her, and he took this to mean that she wasn’t the “right” one for him. So, his feelings were based totally on associations of something that had nothing objectively to do with her at all. If he had had a great relationship with his religious mother, it’s possible he and Woman B would be together today.
The odd thing is that a few years after he got married, he made peace with his mother, healed whatever that was, and he and his wife developed a strong religious life themselves. Another friend of mine was crazy about a guy who had just gotten divorced – he seemed interested in her for a bit but then took up with a kind of wild, fun-loving. My friend was hurt but eventually realized that she was a serious, rather sensible sort of person, and the guy’s ex-wife was a serious sort – and the guy had been miserable in his marriage for so long that now he wanted to have FUN! And not be serious for awhile. And even more important, not be around someone who would be a reminder of his unhappy years with the serious ex. Again, he might not have even been totally conscious of this dynamic.
Sometimes it’s all about bad timing, bad coincidences and other factors that no one can predict or control. You may not be “right” for the other person at this point in space and time, but that certainly does NOT mean that anything is “wrong” with YOU!
Wiser, this is very insightful and wise.
I don’t personally recall self-blaming at the end of relationships because I know that I have ended things with really decent guys who just weren’t right for me or right for me at that moment for whatever reason. So, if I can see that it wasn’t they were unloveable, etc., but rather that I acted on my feelings/needs, why would I think there’s something inherently wrong with me when the situation is reversed?
Well I am not sure about this. I have ended a couple of relationships with really great guys – I did not feel there was anything at all wrong with them and actually I couldn’t quite understand myself why I was doing it. But on the other hand there were a couple of other ones where I did decide that there was a fault that made them not good enough. For example, one guy had (i felt) a weak personality, was lazy and negative. Now you could phrase this as merely “we were not compatible” but these qualities are generally not attractive to anyone. Of course I didn’t tell him exactly what reasons were. So there are two possibilities – it is about them OR it is about you, and if I am rejected, I am inclined to wonder if it wasn’t the latter.
What is it about me that is unattractive?
I would say that this applies more to shorter lived relationships – if I have been with someone for longer I usually have a clearer picture of where we stand with each other.
I do realise that nobody is perfect, we all have personal failings and flaws, and sometimes a strength is a flaw viewed from a different angle. You can’t be everyones cup of tea either. Still part of my “baggage” is a feeling that there is something deeply wrong with me, an underlying inadequacy. When people don’t like me or reject me I feel a certain inevitability, that they have found me out.
, this is so unhealthy and self defeating. How does one stop this?
That was even more important for me to read than the post Wiser…I always blame myself at the end of relationships..Even if the woman has awefull boundaries.
Wiser,
I like what you said. It’s so easy to think its us that wasn’t good enough when it could have been something that had nothing to do with us at all, just bad timing like you said.
Natalie – Brilliant! What a stream of consciousness feels like, so honest, so raw. Good job!
Allison,
I totally get that. But that didnt answer my question at all. If you have to ask for constant reassurance, it surely isnt a relationship to be in. But to say that is why they become annoyed with you and leave sounds too simplistic and blaming. When its really them who has the problem, and when they likely are the type to screw you around.
Yes, its a sign of insecurity, but this person gives you a good reason to be.
Asia,
You and I, both answered your question.
If you feel insecure in the relationship because your needs are not being met, then you need to end it, and find a relationship that is mutually fulfilling. I think that when we start to ask these types of questions, we know the relationship is going nowhere. The question is: How long do you stick with nowhere?
(writing this while on a holiday overseas please forgive me for any typos, this is coming from my phone)
Something went totally wrong this morning and I need your advise as to why I am feeling the way I do.
Just before I started this holiday, I decided that when I get back, I will give dating a try again. It’s been 10 months since the EUM was done, totally NC and I started to feel stronger, learning to like myself more..
And then last night, I met a stranger on an overnight train..
There were the 2 boys and myself in the cabin and we had the best time talking about holidays, life etc. The stranger was someone I looked at thought wad well read, chatty, got my jokes and soon there were long glances while the group talked. Subtle flirtation from both sides.
Then towards light out, purplelily asks the stranger ‘would it be absolutely totally insanely wildly crazy if I said I wanted to kiss you now?’.. Which only led to the longest making out session in the corridor in a rickety train. Followed by more in the morning before he gets of the train. He is kind and respectful, passionate and electric. Of course, being on a train meant no going further, even though it is discussed and no go from both.
She gives him her email and says that she’d love to hear about his travels and study and life and would be great if he kept on touch. She doesn’t want to get his just in case she is tempted to get back into her old habit of google stalking.
And then he leaves.. And suddenly.. Something is gone. It’s missing. Once again, it’s empty. It was my head saying “how pathetically empty are you that you stand here thinking about a man who gave you few hours of kindness and attention? You are sad and empty and a looser.. For he is gone and you stand here wishing it could be more.
For this was more than fun, this was the first honest connection after the EUM . But I saw the scary empty part of me that hides beyond it. I sit here feeling sad that I’ll never see this person again..where is this hyper-emotional-connectedness with this stranger coming from?
I had not planned this, I didn’t even think of it. But I sit here feeling pathetic. Am I still not ready.. Or I am a being starved of connection and care and just broken?
Purple
Do you have Nat’s dreamer book. You can prob download it and read it while on holiday. You’ve not done anything wrong but you are letting your fantasies and feelings of low self worth run away with you.
You do not know this man. I expect he’s fine but so are many others that you could actually have a relationship with. living in the same city is a good start.
I think you just enjoyed a wild, spontaneous and fantasy-like moment that happens only rarely in life. Intense, out-of-the-ordinary experiences like this ‘seem’ to be filled with meaning, but that’s not always the case. And usually a deflating let-down period is inevitable. I’d chalk it up to experience, and remember it with a smile. Overnight train, the handsome stranger, furtive kisses…sounds like a great romantic fantasy to me. It came true for an electric moment – and that’s all there was. Don’t give any more meaning to it than that, it certainly doesn’t mean anything dire about you and it doesn’t mean that this is some great guy who got away.
I had this kind of thing happen to me quite a few times in my 20s and one in particular I for many years after thought of as “the one that got away” and “what could have been if only …” and it was only quite recently when reading natalie’s work that I realised that it was ALL my own fantasy and I barely knew him. It was very liberating to realise he was NOT THAT SPECIAL and it’s unlikely that I missed anything at all. I’d been torturing myself with regret over – er – nothing really.
Grace, Wiser and Mymble
Thank you so much for that. I don’t know what happened there.. It’s like I lost all direction for a few hours. How could I possibly have thought that I could spin a ‘healthy relationship’ out of something that lasted a few hours?!
Grace, totally with you. It’s hard enough to make things work while in one city, forget over 2 continents with 25hrs flying time! I haven’t read any books by Nat but will download it and read it while I’m away.
I don’t know him at all. Nothing about him. I only thought he was interesting and awesome from what little I saw and assumed there is more awesome behind there.. DOH! (I would get a side glance from Nat for this!) I tend to associate a lot of worth and meaning to situations and it goes out of control within my head. I don’t know why I always assume there is some treasure that us buried and that I should be out trying to find it.
I am torturing myself, I keep telling myself that if we get to know each other it’ll be this amazing story of love and happiness.. but truth is, he’s definitely not that special and yes, haven’t missed out on the ‘best thing ever’. AGAIN all me, all my fantasy.
Thank you SO MUCH! I needed to hear it straight. I’ll snap out of it soon. In a week, none of this will even matter!
Mymble
One stops feeling inadequate by simply deciding one is not. As you say, we all have strengths & weaknesses & different ones will be displayed more prominently to others at different times. Only WE know ourselves in our ENTIRITY though. I’m guessing that most of us have a realistic view of ourselves & realise we are doing our best at any given time.
If extended even a tiny bit of the compassion we wrongly throw at AC’s who use & abuse the sentiment, toward ourselves instead, I’d suggest we’d be well on our way! x
Teach
Didn’t see your reply until now.
I am working on it, my circumstances are not great at the moment so don’t have a very rosy view of the world or myself. But you’re right, self compassion for the past mistakes and personal failings is necessary.
Maybe I wasn’t “good enough” ..by their lights but my lights should be what counts for me.
Absolutely amazing and such an inspirational read! So many points described me and how I feel but I am currently on this amazing path of healing and acceptance and this article has reinforced my need to heal even more. Thank you Natalie for this amazing article Xx
Debalina, I am happy to read this!I am also on this path, but on some days I feel so shaky.I come back to Natalies page each day and read everything I can get a hold of. I would love to know what some of you do to trust themselves more and get better boundaries and accept the past. What about you?
Natalie…
This post gave me the chills because this is ME. This is precisely what I do- and I don’t know what to do. I’m in a relationship I’ve been in for a little over a year now but am suffering from anxiety because my guy has been telling me I’m acting too “needy.” I know the root of my behavior is insecurity but how do I go about building up my self-esteem??? How do I start feeding myself? It often feels like only a guy can make me feel loved and wanted. Thanks for your help!!