Comments on: Relationship Advice: Am I addicted to my lying, cheating ex Mr Unavailable?

By: Meg

Meg — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 21:45:43 +0000

Hello, Baggage Reclaim readers! I’m fairly new to this site after discovering it when a relationship I had with a friend turned something more went incredibly wrong, and I didn’t understand what the eff was going on. Needless to say, this page has been incredibly helpful! I’ve learned a lot from reading the articles and seeing the discussions happening here. I think it’s great how supportive you all are of each other. From my own recent experiences, I understand how painful and baffling relationships with EUM can be, and the recovery from these situations is so incredibly hard. I still have moments of missing a person who was ultimately a source of pain in my life, but who is no longer a part of it through my own choice. It’s sad to let go of what you wish could have been. But, once you see that you are worth so much more than what was offered, you do it. The good news is that these difficult experiences lead us to learn A LOT about ourselves, and initiate a necessary period of self-growth, albeit extremely painful at times, so we can make healthier and better choices in the future. I write my own personal blog, and while I’m sure the majority of the content has little to do with the topics discussed here, I recently wrote a post on love and relationships that I see touches on a lot of what comes up on this site. If you’re interested, check it out at: http://chattygirl.blogspot.com/2008/10/so-love.html. I think it’s important for us to not only know ourselves first, and be clear on what it is we want and need in our relationships, but to notice the opportunities for love (of all types) that are around us every day. I hope you all experience that, and I wish you the best as you continue to grow, heal, and move forward.

By: finallyseenthelight

finallyseenthelight — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 20:01:37 +0000

NML thank you for your words of wisdom. I am feeling better today and I go through the ups and downs. I know I can never go back to him…as you say, I realize if I put my hand in the fire it will get burned. It was easy to trick myself into thinking he was contacting me because he missed me, and I’m sure he did, but he missed me only because of “his needs” and didn’t care about mine or the fact that he was hurting me in the process. It’s also easy to remember the “good times,” but I will focus on the fact that he always put himself first, hurt me over and over, and I deserve much better.

Tulipa…I understand that your birthday will be tough, but you will get through it…We are all cheering for you!!!! ;0)

By: De

De — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 18:21:13 +0000

aaah funny… I wrote ’sigh’t I meant ’site’… but hey, ’sight’ works too!!

By: De

De — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 18:20:05 +0000

Just to say.,..this time last year I didn’t think I could breath a normal breath of air. A year on I can say thanks to this sight I am so happy to have learnt everything from you all. I can protect myself for the first time in myn life and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words, your encouragement, your wisdom and for giving me a place to come to when I don’t quite understand.

Birthdays and thanks giving..I wish you a Happy happy birthday and a happy thanks giving, see you’re not alone I’m here too. but if this helps, something I learnt when going through a nasty divorce with an evil monster. Alone if you break the word up is ‘all-one’ , it helped me gather the pices off the floor and clue each broken part of me back together. Be a whole person, give yourself the permission to give yourself what no one else can give you ‘YOU” and you very own LOVE!! buy yourself flowers, take yourself out, invite people around you who truly love you, they are the ones to keep close.

Thanks

By: Tulipa

Tulipa — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 12:46:00 +0000

Hi Astelle, In a way I deal with two EUMs but only one in the capacity that we have a child together.. I didn’t know about EUMs way back then or have as much understanding of myself as I do now..It was this EUM who would forget my birthday.. After a long period of not dating I decided to get back on the horse but found myself with yet another EUM but even though I knew he was EUM thought I’d go with it anyway silly me.. Anyway he gave me a great birthday remembered it and everything was so nice to be treated differently but because circumstances have changed .. most of my writing about my situation is on “emotionally unavailable does that mean hes just not into you?”. I haven’t quite kicked this EUM to the curb but I’m sure I will… Sounds like things are going well for you…can’t imagine trying to cope with two EUMs at once …

By: Astelle

Astelle — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 07:10:29 +0000

Tulipa, I don’t remember your story, you are “dealing” with 2 EUM’S??????

By: Tulipa

Tulipa — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 06:28:50 +0000

Finallyseenthelight can totally relate to what you are saying about being alone.. it is my b’day soon and on my last birthday my EUM totally spoiled me. my other EUM wouldn’t even remember it was my birthday.. so it felt good but now this up and coming birthday is back to how it was… I guess we just have to find a way to get through it and Im looking to find something else to do… Hope Thanksgiving goes okay for you..

By: Astelle

Astelle — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 04:36:23 +0000

Dazed, the average relationship does not require NC is real simple, I broke up with a guy (not EUM) after 4 months of dating – we broke up – it is over, PERIOD. He is not trying to contact me, I am not trying to contact him because it is OVER.
He told a mutual friend of mine, months later, that I am a great woman and too bad that we could not make a connection. That is it.
No hidding agendas, no games, just over.

I did not have to go NC with him, there was no reason to do that, because he is a “normal” man and he understands “over”.

Now, with the EUM I was “dating”, ending up chasing his stupid a** and I am still embarrassed about it, I HAD to go NC to remove MYSELF from this situation, if not, there would still be contact – can you see the difference??
O.K., I never had the break up talk or told fim off in any kind of way or tried to make him “see” (puke) that I am the right woman for him, I just went Poof, like he had done to me over and over.
Now, going NC and wondering what he will do, is so pointless.
Please, walk away from him..

By: dazedandconfused

dazedandconfused — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:47:32 +0000

NML I am a bit confused by your latest comments… what do you mean that the average relationship does not require NC? I would say from anyone I have talked to, that did not have the destructive relationship and break up that I did that they said they believed NC was needed right after… do you mean that most people don’t make contact but it doesn’t come with this tough addiction and withdrawal period that we are going through? As in people just deal with the break up more naturally and are capable of recognizing it’s good that it’s over and moving on?

I also really like your comment about pain somehow meaning that we care or that it shouldn’t be over. I did not tell my EUM I loved him when with him, and actually felt I didn’t when with him. He was not someone you could love… I just always knew there was a lack of affection or just some void between us. But now that we are broken up I keep thinking “oh my god I love him though he’s for me…” Ridiculous isn’t it… That pain in my chest, that void, I am equating with love this intense emotional feeling. So thanks for reminding me that if I didn’t feel it when with him, it’s silly that I should think now that I am not with him that I have magically fallen in love with him.

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 16:51:39 +0000

NML,

Terrific advice!!!!

By: NML

NML — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 11:43:26 +0000

Regina – Oh trust me, now that I know the ‘full story’ or should I say, more info than was provided with that comment where I doubted your actions, I know that NC is the absolutely right option.
Finallyseenthelight – I hope that you are OK Listen, NC is hard. Breaking up is but combined with NC, you will have good days and bad. We equate the fact that we’re in pain with it being a signal that it must mean we want them back or we were right to be in the relationship – it’s not. Pain is not love, it is pain. It takes a while for the reality of NC to catch up with your mindset. There are people that break it off with their guy to ‘manipulate’ (and I use this loosely) their guy into doing what they want (they rarely do btw) but for most people doing NC that have taken the time to think about what they are doing, you are not 100% there in terms of not hoping he won’t come back, but for most, when they decide to do NC, they know enough to know it’s a path that they have to go down. You experience self-doubt and go through the period of self-blame, and you will certainly go through a period of thinking ‘I know better’ ‘My guy is different’. Let me tell you something – you may not see it now, but if you got to the point of doing NC, whether you were fully in it or not, your guy is not different. People in fairly average relationships don’t have to do NC. They break up, go through the process, and get on with their lives and move on. Relationships where NC results have two people who have problems with inaction and committing.
Nobody is saying it doesn’t take time – it does. You did give your heart but where you will turn a corner is if you go through the pain and the grieving and keep it real.
You’ve been here before several times with poor results – you actualy know what will happen if you take him back.
If you keep getting the same result from doing the same action, it means you have to do something differently – yours is a bit like putting your hand in the fire, getting burnt repeatedly, feeling in pain, and then thinking about putting your hand back in again – at some point you will realise that actually, you need to stop putting your hand in the fire because it still burns in the same way and is piling on more damage.
Be upset but get real and move towards the anger stage because it means one thing – progress. Spending lots of time focusing on him and the fact you gave your heart will just cause you to stagnate.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-ten-commandments-of-coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-series/

By: ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum

ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 06:39:49 +0000

Hi Finally Seen the Light, no advice here, I’m just joining you in the feeling lonely part. I’m actually hoping/wondering the same things you are, and even NML was not abs sure I was making the NC choice for the right reasons. Don’t all of us hope they come back in an available form, at least at first?

It’s coming up on Thanksgiving, which was always really happy time for me and him and his family. It is sinking in that I am going to be alone where last year this holiday I was surrounded by family who loved me, as I them. So I lost him, and EU or not, he was my best friend, and I lost his family as well.

How long are you NC? Mine was not a cheater, just your typical Convenient One With Both Feet Set In Cement.

By: finallyseenthelight

finallyseenthelight — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 01:29:03 +0000

This really hit home for me….NML wrote…”Be very careful of cutting contact to get a reaction and to try to get him to do what you want. He will see right through this and if youâ€™re cutting contact with hope that heâ€™ll come crawling back, youâ€™re on a destructive path.” I did this so many times and although I thought I was doing NC now to end it. I thought I was grieving the end of the relationship, but a part of me is still waiting to see if he is going to contact me instead of moving on…I’m still in a lot of pain…Some days are easier than others. Even though these guys aren’t worth it…I still gave my heart and it still takes time to get over it…it was still some type of relationship.

I’m feeling lonely and need some advice……thank you!

By: BBP

BBP — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:23:04 +0000

Dazed, you sound much like me. I highly recommend reading (for everyone actually) “The Drama of the Gifted Child.” Contrary to the title, it is all about how our controlling parents and tough family situations shaped us when we were young, which is why we need to explain, analyze and control everything in our adult lives. It really helped me understand, forgive the past and make some big changes in my life.

By: Dazedandconfused

Dazedandconfused — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:30:20 +0000

Oh and Astelle I just got to the bottom of your post sorry I missed this before… I do not “hate” you at all. You are absolutely right about my control issues it’s just hard to see a stranger pick up on them.

I think you are lovely for taking the time to write all that to me I feel badly that you got the impression I hate you. Just to let you know, it’s been over a month since I have contacted him and that post the other day from when I saw him at the gym was just a bad day where I happened to see him. I am really working on me, doing a lot of reading about my control issues, talking to my girlfriends openly about me and getting feedback. I have made a list about what I would like in my life, I miss the spark I had with him but I know he is not for me.
Even my parents and I had a long conversation about it the other day because I have grown up in a very controlling household and I told them we need to start establishing some boundaries there as well. I am the youngest and despite living 4 hours apart, they still manage to involve themselves in my life, and like with my EUM I let them.

So please don’t worry about your control issue comments. They only upset me before because I feel the more I see my faults the less I am able to see his and the more I regret having lashed out at him.