It is a study on explosive narcisssists

http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/4-14-2005-68542.asp

Almost two years ago I was a mess, my Dad was dying and I jumped into a man’s soul far too quickly for fear of loss… (at the time I thought it was a beautiful beginning to a love affair) He rejected me immediately. But, my heart had been open and I imploded.
I clung on in terror…. he offered a friendship, saying he would always be with other women.
The friendship would come at a price, I would help work at making one of his dreams come true. I thought if I worked hard, laughed, made him laugh and happy he would realize I was relationship material.

Last week I found an email through a thread he had let slip and I found out he has had a girlfriend for nearly a year.

This the thing… I realized my dream was over. I had had some hope and had left a door open for him if he chose to come back. So now it was time for me to close the door and move on. I called him and (for myself and him) congratulated him and said I was happy for him. I wanted to be honorable, he had been a good friend this past year and half. Then a cried for a week and mourned the passing of a romance whether in my head or not.

I spoke to him last night, he is leaving today and I needed to get some info before he left cause we would be out of contact. I wanted to talk about how we would carry on with the work, him being out of email reach.

This is the thing…. he raged!!! he said I was trying to manipulate him, he was cold, he was going to cut all contact with me. I tried to explain to him that over the past nearly two years surely we had developed some respect and friendship and that I was letting my romantic feeling go. He raged on until I had to sooth him telling him how he had been my right hand guy, my rock when I was going through a tough time. It was then that he calmed down, he added other moments when he had come to my rescue!

This is when I realized, he needed me more than I needed him (for now) I was an important supplier of affection and nurturing and now because I had found information that would set me free he was fighting to keep me enslaved.

Oh boy, this is too much for me to figure out, but I think I’m on the right track aren’t I?

I left the phone call feeling like I was a criminal, that I was trying to manipulate him this whole time. All I did I think was leave a door open, I didn’t put any pressure on this guy honest. if anything I felt I should get an apology from him for not telling me about his relationship. He has taunted me, he had played with me sadistically and stupidly i took it, now he can’t do that he is furious. i had to pretend I was still hooked to get him to calm down!

There is no relief in this for me, cause i am left empty feeling like the criminal. And I’m not allowed to ask for understanding, compassion or empathy.

The whole thing has left me confused and I don’t know where my thinking is.

This sucks!!!

De

Loving Annie – you wrote my words. You were totally on with everything you said especially the part about we could be perfect & it wouldnt have made a blind bit of difference! They are who they are & we are who we are. Diff is we recognze it & can change it & EUMS dont seem to want to do either!

Cheekie – I love what you said about not blaming yourself for putting yourself out there & loving with your whole heart. I felt so stupid for that when I realized it was over & he cheated thinking the love was “truly” being reciprocated & not just words. Loving honestly is an admirable quality. You know the old saying “Better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all”. As much as it hurt it also felt wonderful. I so hope I can feel that way again! I hope we all can!

I am dead certain sure, that you devoted yourself to your ex, with your whole heart, and that you still feel the emotional attachment. But I suspect you depended on him to define who you are. Now, even though it has been months since you parted ways, your devotion feels as strong as it did back then.

I suspect that your feelings are more properly described as devotion, rather than what we romantics like to call ‘love’. I think love is a wonderful bond to another, that includes devotion, respect, honesty, discipline, and a helping of joy. I might have missed something, but it seems you didn’t have much of that list.

I am thankful, for your sake, that in a surprising moment of good judgment, you confronted his criminal (‘I own this town’) behavior. I am sure that you were horrified at the time that he broke off with you, and you probably don’t understand today that your life took a detour away from impending disaster that day. Notice how bumpy the road has felt since then? Feels like a detour, huh? Unlike NML, I would take his claim to “own the town” as the threat of violence it sounds like. I would take that threat very seriously.

People change. People that work in prisons (working with people similar to your ex) probably see that kind of change regularly. But I doubt that it happens to more than 1 in 10, and I expect it usually takes years – or beatings or other trauma. Your therapist is really the one to ask this – therapists never claim to be able to cure anything – they only promise to help. You could change your ex – if you took responsibility and control for his life. The way a Drill Instructor does in Boot Camp. Unfortunately, you don’t have the barb wire and legal protections to make a prison or boot camp, and you don’t have the years of training to make the change happen.

And if he ever does change and learns discipline, respect, honesty, and appropriate behavior, all of his other values will change, too. He will leave his current life behind, including any personal attachments.

So, no, I do not believe you could make him better to be a better mate. It would be monumentally disrespectful of you to try, and if you succeed it will free him to build a new life and leave you behind.

But you need to find a new way to define who you are. You need to find inside you a core of beliefs and truths, an understanding of who you are in your family, in your community, and in your nation. You need to understand what responsibilities and attachments you own, which ones you consciously chose and which you just accepted from others. And you need to choose which obligations and which responsibilities you choose to continue to honor, and which are to be returned as unworthy or inappropriate for you.

I have a neighbor with a dog. That dog is the sweetest natured medium sized dog, obedient, attentive. He beat that dog when it was a pup, so she grew up attentive and devoted. Reading your letter reminded me of Don’s dog. Without Don, that dog would be lost. It sounds like your ex is a lot stupider, or maybe just less experienced, than Don – your ex isn’t doing anything deliberately (remember what I said, about changing someone being horribly disrespectful of them?), just random abuse. BTW – Don doesn’t ‘train’ his family this way. Really.

People that haven’t been under abuse can’t imagine the ties that are forged. You are part way to a better life now. Your ‘master’ is out of the picture. Now you have to discover that you can be your own master, and that you don’t need punishment to feel your master values you.

Blessed be.

Also, I think that yes, maybe the harsh response ended it, but not in the way you think.
My feeling is that he finally realized that he couldn’t push you around anymore, you stood up for yourself. And he behaved like a schoolyard bully. A sad, defensive little boy. One that you cannot help. Not even if you were a nun with a heart of gold.

Don’t blame yourself for loving someone, don’t find fault in the fact that you put yourself on the line like that. Those are very very admirable qualities.
But, you deserve so much better.
Keep seeing the therapist, and heal yourself.
It’s the only way…

xoxo

This story is almost an identical mirror for what I did with my cop. I fell in love with an image and didn’t want to let go because of my own issues of self-esteem and my habit patterns.

I hope this helps her hugely. It DID ME, just affirming everything you have been teaching me and I have been learning through your site here.

Maybe the most important is that even if she behaved perfectly, HIS behavior wouldn’t change.

I think this is where I messed up. I kept thinking he was going to be the way he was when we met/keep his promises/not be a liar/not be a manipulator/respect my time — IF I was PERFECT. And as you said, can’t happen, won’t happen – that is OUR way of not thinking they need to be taking responsibility for their own behavior.

And you were right. Love is NOT enough. It can’t change someone else, and the bottom line is that if we loved/respected ourselves, we wouldn’t be so accepting of not being loved/treated with respect by someone else…

One thing I’m finding out is that just because someone doesn’t face the facts (meaning the guy) doesn’t mean they aren’t facts. He is abusive. It doesn’t matter if he denies it or makes excuses for it.

Your sentience about the serial killers acting charming sometimes but we can’t ignore thier bad characteristics is VERY to the point.