Comments on: Relationship Advice: How do I forgive my narcissist ex and my friend for flirting and the private dance? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: mareeh http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-215476 mareeh Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:13:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-215476 I'm in the same situation - with my bf and treacherous flatmate. I've asked him to leave, I reckon now he has another source of narcissistic supply he'll go quietly and I hope she follows!! I see it as a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Let them get on with it and thank God for a lucky escape. I’m in the same situation – with my bf and treacherous flatmate. I’ve asked him to leave, I reckon now he has another source of narcissistic supply he’ll go quietly and I hope she follows!! I see it as a good way to kill two birds with one stone.

Let them get on with it and thank God for a lucky escape.

]]> By: angela http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-190876 angela Sun, 21 Sep 2008 20:04:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-190876 Ok, I guess I don't feel so bad about this now. She made me feel bad already, claiming she had "no clue" as to why my feelings are hurt. And that I must illuminate her...soooo, just gonna let it go, move on, grow from this. Thanks for all this great advice- I know its a few months after I wrote this post. Still, its great to get all this feedback after all this time. Lets me know I should not doubt my instincts! That my feelings are valid! Its a great feeling! Ok, I guess I don’t feel so bad about this now. She made me feel bad already, claiming she had “no clue” as to why my feelings are hurt. And that I must illuminate her…soooo, just gonna let it go, move on, grow from this. Thanks for all this great advice- I know its a few months after I wrote this post. Still, its great to get all this feedback after all this time. Lets me know I should not doubt my instincts! That my feelings are valid! Its a great feeling!

]]> By: De http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-190865 De Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:54:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-190865 Angela, You only have to forgive yourself for having a blind spot for disrespectful people. She doesn't need your forgiveness as Brad says, it will only give her permission to do it again. Three strikes is an out. If you want to re-connect then you are looking to invite drama back into your life. Thats all she has to give you. Choose people to invite into your life who you have checked and have the same value system as you. And know that your cutting her off is a sign of self respect, you are ok! Peace De Angela,

You only have to forgive yourself for having a blind spot for disrespectful people. She doesn’t need your forgiveness as Brad says, it will only give her permission to do it again. Three strikes is an out. If you want to re-connect then you are looking to invite drama back into your life. Thats all she has to give you. Choose people to invite into your life who you have checked and have the same value system as you. And know that your cutting her off is a sign of self respect, you are ok!

Peace

De

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-190624 Brad K. Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:30:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-190624 Angela, for my part I think yu have to decide the rest of your life. You know she is deceitful, and vain, and dishonorable. Do you want to spend the rest of your life, calling such people 'friends'? Acquaintance, or someone you know, sure. But give her your trust, your respect, as you do with a friend, and you are giving her forgiveness - permission, to do what she did, and permission to do it again. If you don't want the people around you to hurt and manipulate you, you pretty much have to choose to spend your time with people that don't hurt and manipulate people. Blessed be. Angela, for my part I think yu have to decide the rest of your life. You know she is deceitful, and vain, and dishonorable.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life, calling such people ‘friends’? Acquaintance, or someone you know, sure. But give her your trust, your respect, as you do with a friend, and you are giving her forgiveness – permission, to do what she did, and permission to do it again.

If you don’t want the people around you to hurt and manipulate you, you pretty much have to choose to spend your time with people that don’t hurt and manipulate people.

Blessed be.

]]> By: angela http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-190609 angela Sat, 20 Sep 2008 18:46:53 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-190609 Is it ever ok to become friends with her again? what if she claims that now, she has no clue as to why i haven't contacted her/won't accept contact from her since this has happened? what if I told her she's hurt my feelings, that things are not the same between us, our friendship is different, and now i have my life to live and I am not willing to delve into the past? what if i'm feeling like i don't want to go through the past and rekindle my emotions-what if i'm still feeling betrayed by this girl who was once my "friend"? should i explain all of this to her-is it another betrayal of friendship-two wrongs making a right-if I choose not to react to her? Is it ever ok to become friends with her again? what if she claims that now, she has no clue as to why i haven’t contacted her/won’t accept contact from her since this has happened? what if I told her she’s hurt my feelings, that things are not the same between us, our friendship is different, and now i have my life to live and I am not willing to delve into the past? what if i’m feeling like i don’t want to go through the past and rekindle my emotions-what if i’m still feeling betrayed by this girl who was once my “friend”? should i explain all of this to her-is it another betrayal of friendship-two wrongs making a right-if I choose not to react to her?

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-163911 Brad K. Sat, 21 Jun 2008 04:51:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-163911 Angela, best wishes all around. Habits, chemical dependence, the people you now feel drawn to and the people you now avoid, besides getting to know yourself all over again, and looking for a responsible, dependable, joyful mate - You are looking at some major changes in your life. I hope it all works for the best, and you appreciate the gains very soon. Angela, best wishes all around.

Habits, chemical dependence, the people you now feel drawn to and the people you now avoid, besides getting to know yourself all over again, and looking for a responsible, dependable, joyful mate – You are looking at some major changes in your life. I hope it all works for the best, and you appreciate the gains very soon.

]]> By: angela http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-163857 angela Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:28:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-163857 Brad, I said "feeling blame" because there were many extraneous events that led up to this type of situation, mainly my enabling their abusive tendencies as well as our collective substance abuse. I myself am guilty of these same tendencies, its just my conscience is much more sensitive than theirs! I've known them both for many years, and this was not the first indication of this type of behavior-basically I knew it was coming every day I spent with him, and every time I "partied" with her. I accept blame for putting myself in that kind of situation, and your words regarding looking at people and myself differently definately rings so truly. I really need to do that, I guess I always have! I'm just scared of what I will find/realize/discover. Self-esteem is hard to actualize for yourself when you're an adult. I'll take you up on that counseling note, though!!! Thanks Brad,
I said “feeling blame” because there were many extraneous events that led up to this type of situation, mainly my enabling their abusive tendencies as well as our collective substance abuse. I myself am guilty of these same tendencies, its just my conscience is much more sensitive than theirs!
I’ve known them both for many years, and this was not the first indication of this type of behavior-basically I knew it was coming every day I spent with him, and every time I “partied” with her. I accept blame for putting myself in that kind of situation, and your words regarding looking at people and myself differently definately rings so truly. I really need to do that, I guess I always have!
I’m just scared of what I will find/realize/discover. Self-esteem is hard to actualize for yourself when you’re an adult.
I’ll take you up on that counseling note, though!!!
Thanks

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-163537 Brad K. Fri, 20 Jun 2008 02:49:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-163537 Angela, "not so quick to be assuming all of the blame' - I don't know if I should feel outraged that you think two people misbehaving means you did something wrong, or pity you for being abused has you have been. I am *sure* that feeling any blame is a mistake. You might want to look for a grief counselor or a life coach. Someone that has a good background, that can check into the people involved, and give you (brutally) honest guidance can be a big help. Changing how you look at people and at yourself is a big step. And let me echo cheekie, "Yay Angela!!!" Angela, “not so quick to be assuming all of the blame’ – I don’t know if I should feel outraged that you think two people misbehaving means you did something wrong, or pity you for being abused has you have been.

I am *sure* that feeling any blame is a mistake.

You might want to look for a grief counselor or a life coach. Someone that has a good background, that can check into the people involved, and give you (brutally) honest guidance can be a big help. Changing how you look at people and at yourself is a big step.

And let me echo cheekie, “Yay Angela!!!”

]]> By: cheekie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-163404 cheekie Thu, 19 Jun 2008 18:49:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-163404 Yay Angela!!! Yay Angela!!!

]]> By: angela http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-163401 angela Thu, 19 Jun 2008 18:33:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-163401 This advice is just great. I really appreciate it-I'm slowly healing, now that this is out in the open! The different perspectives are definately shedding new light on the situation and I am not so quick to be assuming all of the blame anymore! Basically, feel alot better every day I look at this post! This advice is just great. I really appreciate it-I’m slowly healing, now that this is out in the open! The different perspectives are definately shedding new light on the situation and I am not so quick to be assuming all of the blame anymore! Basically, feel alot better every day I look at this post!

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-163228 NML Thu, 19 Jun 2008 09:08:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-163228 Honey - Well with that kind of loss on her hands, I hope that she'll think twice before she pulls that stunt again. That was so out of order! The great thing about your situation is that there are social consequences to mistreating people. Kim - Amen! He is an imbecile anyway. You have to always remember with these people that they barely even recognise the difference between right and wrong...unless they feel injusticed. Your feelings don't come into it! Brad K - Yes acceptance is exactly what is needed here. Not accepting their behaviour and OKing it but accepting that it happened and not denying her feelings. Cheekie - You crack me up but you are right about the letter - get it off your chest. Negative emotions pent up inside do you no good! Brad K - Sorry I giggled - are you saying Cheekie is angry? ;-) Cheekie - Well if we start out in relationships distrusting, it's a dodgy road travelled anyway. Focus on choosing decent partners, trust from outset, deduct trust as appropriate and confront red flags. That's all we can do - apply judgement. Lisa Q - Hehe. And it's funny how so many focus on the good days but it's because they think it's an indicator of great things to come. I like that "fall in love with yourself" FinallyOverIt - Amen, amen, amen! Where you find one dodgy guy, there will definitely be some dodgy friendships! Honey – Well with that kind of loss on her hands, I hope that she’ll think twice before she pulls that stunt again. That was so out of order! The great thing about your situation is that there are social consequences to mistreating people.
Kim – Amen! He is an imbecile anyway. You have to always remember with these people that they barely even recognise the difference between right and wrong…unless they feel injusticed. Your feelings don’t come into it!
Brad K – Yes acceptance is exactly what is needed here. Not accepting their behaviour and OKing it but accepting that it happened and not denying her feelings.
Cheekie – You crack me up but you are right about the letter – get it off your chest. Negative emotions pent up inside do you no good!
Brad K – Sorry I giggled – are you saying Cheekie is angry? ;-)
Cheekie – Well if we start out in relationships distrusting, it’s a dodgy road travelled anyway. Focus on choosing decent partners, trust from outset, deduct trust as appropriate and confront red flags. That’s all we can do – apply judgement.
Lisa Q – Hehe. And it’s funny how so many focus on the good days but it’s because they think it’s an indicator of great things to come. I like that “fall in love with yourself”
FinallyOverIt – Amen, amen, amen! Where you find one dodgy guy, there will definitely be some dodgy friendships!

]]> By: FinallyOverIt http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-162957 FinallyOverIt Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:19:40 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-162957 This is an example of having low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and gravitating toward people that treat you badly because you think that's what you deserve. This includes FRIENDS. If this so called "friend" was truly her friend, she would have NEVER conducted herself that way and hurt her. She was and is not a friend. And as far as the guy is concerned--total assclown, EUM, man-boy, and she shouldn't give him another thought. We all need to surround ourselves with positive, caring, respectful people--not these kind of people! This is an example of having low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and gravitating toward people that treat you badly because you think that’s what you deserve. This includes FRIENDS. If this so called “friend” was truly her friend, she would have NEVER conducted herself that way and hurt her. She was and is not a friend. And as far as the guy is concerned–total assclown, EUM, man-boy, and she shouldn’t give him another thought. We all need to surround ourselves with positive, caring, respectful people–not these kind of people!

]]> By: lisaq http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-162926 lisaq Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:57:34 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-162926 Amen NML! As you know, my ex was a narcissist and from experience I can tell you that these are the worst kinds of assclowns! You described my ex to a T. On a good day things were fabulous, but on a bad one I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. They will abuse you and destroy what little self esteem you have and then blame you when things go wrong. This poor girl is lucky to have escaped from him! Once she can move on and begin to fall in love with herself, she will see that. Amen NML! As you know, my ex was a narcissist and from experience I can tell you that these are the worst kinds of assclowns! You described my ex to a T. On a good day things were fabulous, but on a bad one I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. They will abuse you and destroy what little self esteem you have and then blame you when things go wrong.

This poor girl is lucky to have escaped from him! Once she can move on and begin to fall in love with herself, she will see that.

]]> By: cheekie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-162901 cheekie Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:03:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-162901 You're right Brad, but that's the funny thing about trust. Some people assume it, some people think it must be earned, and some people blindly sally forth. I am realising, as I get older, that trust HAS to be there from the get go. Innocent till proven guilty. Any relationship that starts off in mistrust or suspicious behaviour/feelings is probably doomed. It's one of those weird human things, if you trust, chances are the other person will trust you back and/or at least respect you enough to not mess you about. This of course does not mean you should 'blindly' believe everything, you should stand back and rationally think about it. Your gut will always tell you. Trust, honesty and respect are the keystones to any good healthy relationship. And in this instance, none were present. And unfortunately, they are the three things that most 'relationships' are lacking, which causes most of our grief. There is nothing a woman hates more than not knowing what is going on. It's just the way we are built. Which is the reason why lack of communication can lead us to believe all kinds of things. When a little honesty would solve so many problems. Anger isn't healthy, it eats you up inside. It has to be dealt with, but only the angry person can let it go, just like any other unhealthy habit. You’re right Brad, but that’s the funny thing about trust.
Some people assume it, some people think it must be earned, and some people blindly sally forth.

I am realising, as I get older, that trust HAS to be there from the get go. Innocent till proven guilty. Any relationship that starts off in mistrust or suspicious behaviour/feelings is probably doomed. It’s one of those weird human things, if you trust, chances are the other person will trust you back and/or at least respect you enough to not mess you about.

This of course does not mean you should ‘blindly’ believe everything, you should stand back and rationally think about it. Your gut will always tell you.

Trust, honesty and respect are the keystones to any good healthy relationship.
And in this instance, none were present. And unfortunately, they are the three things that most ‘relationships’ are lacking, which causes most of our grief.

There is nothing a woman hates more than not knowing what is going on.
It’s just the way we are built. Which is the reason why lack of communication can lead us to believe all kinds of things. When a little honesty would solve so many problems.

Anger isn’t healthy, it eats you up inside.
It has to be dealt with, but only the angry person can let it go, just like any other unhealthy habit.

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/comment-page-1/#comment-162750 Brad K. Wed, 18 Jun 2008 04:19:32 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/relationship-advice-how-do-i-forgive-my-narcissist-ex-and-my-friend-for-flirting-and-the-private-dance/#comment-162750 Cheekie, about "I wonder exactly how much real trust they have" - unfortunately, many people don't consider whether or not to trust someone. They just mosey along, and get surprised time after time. Glad you are trying to let go of some of the anger. Anger is hot, heavy, and interferes with joy. Cheekie, about “I wonder exactly how much real trust they have” – unfortunately, many people don’t consider whether or not to trust someone. They just mosey along, and get surprised time after time.

Glad you are trying to let go of some of the anger. Anger is hot, heavy, and interferes with joy.

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