I’ve broken off the relationship and travelled back to london (where I’m at uni at the moment), cut off all contact (changed email address, phone no. etc). He somehow found my phone number and has been contacting me – and I, like an idiot have started responding – if only to say ‘dont contact me’, which is defeating in itself.I try not to lie to myself about this situation, I know the reality of it for me is that;
1. I’m afraid about being alone in a country where I have no friends, no family, a different culture to where I’m from
2. I’ve been with this man since I was 18. He’s my first boyfriend, first love, first everything, and I’ll admit I’m terrified of being here on my own and the prospect of being single now, at my age (in this place I’m not familiar with etc), with very little or no experience with men.
3. I have a difficult time making friends, meeting new people.. I just don’t know how to go about it (weird I know, but I’m pretty shy)
Admitting all these things to myself, I do know that what I want is to move past this destructive period in my life, and start my life again somehow. I just don’t know how.
What suggestions can you give. My current situation in a nutshell: I’m in london on my own- no friends, or family – How do I meet people? How do I ‘integrate’? …I probably need professional help to sort myself out, but I thought, since you and others have had such experiences, maybe you can offer some advice. Thanks.
NML says: You are right to have nothing to do with this man. He just seems to be deceitful and I am sorry that you have experienced what you have, but also relieved that you didn’t end up married.
My suggestions:
You go to university in London, one place where it is easy to be who you want and also where you can meet people relatively easy. Many people make it their home away from home as everyone comes from somewhere else. I arrived in London almost 8 years ago, and admittedly whilst I’m not a shy person, it was daunting knowing one person who I saw occasionally and no-one else. What I do know is that you have to be in it to win it. You don’t meet people if you’re not in the right places to meet people or you are not getting involved.
Your life since you have been with him seems to revolve around him so you need to create a life for yourself. You should never place everything all on one man because it gives far too much power. Should things not work out, you’re left with no support. It’s also unhealthy as it is co-dependent.
Go to university events, go along to your uni restaurant after classes, get involved in nights out, offer to help out with the entertainments team – a great way to meet people and quick crash course in overcoming shyness. Join interest groups – every university in the UK has one. If you don’t have any interests, take up one or some. If you can afford to, do some charity work as it’s also a great way to meet other people or get a part time job. Whilst it is not easy, start learning to make conversation, to introduce yourself. Some people may know you as shy and may be wary of approaching you.
Trust me, if you meet another woman and told her about your recent experiences, you’ll quickly find common ground. Man trouble is something that bonds many a woman!
Find out who you are and what you enjoy.
Remember that you create the life and the experience you get. If you stay without friends, it won’t be him but you that has created this so you have to step out of your comfort zone.
I suggest seeing the university counsellor as this will also help you to clear your head a bit after your experience as you don’t want to find yourself with another man like your previous.
This is a time to redefine who you are and be and live your best you.
Your thoughts? How have you restarted your life after a difficult break up?
If you want to learn how to understand your involvement with Mr Unavailable’s and how to move on, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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It took years and years for me because I so stubbornly refused to let go of the fantasy/hope in my own head.
But gradually it was changing my life. New memories, new places to go, to eat, to see things, new friends.
New memories and experiences replacing the old. Until finally he just wasn’t part of my life or thought processes anymore.
BUT what got me involved with a EUM had to change – because otherwise it was just a new guy with a new name but the same old, same old EUM treatment and me being the fallback girl
Which is where your website/e-book and you came along – and changed it all by how I see things now and understand them and finally get it about healthy boundaries and feel it inside, NML.
when I came to London five years ago I was on my own. Yes it was daunting but NML is right University is a great place to start. Also, if you have time, you can find yourself a part time job. I worked in theatres as usher. it’s a great way to meet people, they were always organizing things and it was easy to tag along even if my english wasn’t great at the time. everyone was so chatty and loud that I could take my time coming out of my shell.
good luck to you and don’t lose heart. it will get easier.
I definitely have to agree about not letting your world revolve around your man. When it ends, you feel as if you have nothing…and starting all over is damn hard! If you have a life outside of him, you have friends and support and other activities to keep you busy and not obsessing over him. A hard lesson learned for me but one I likely will never forget. Some never do. So create a new life…one that you will continue the next time you become involved…your relationship and your life will be so much the better for it!
The university advice is right on. Yes, you will meet a lot of amazing people there and you will be learning at the same time!! Win, Win. Can you block his emails, calls, text, etc…..?? That would be so hard, but try to stay strong, he is not a good person, very selfish.
Maya – Make a list, plan on taking some step to socialize each week, and record whether you enjoyed something and whether you were as uncomfortable at the end as at the start.
You are taking classes. Keep your ears open – linger as class lets out – chat a bit, just a few words, with girls that look available. Many times students get together to study – join in if you can.
When I was in school I was in the work-study program, a chance to work a few hours, learn some new skills and task, and meet some other people. Maybe a few hours working at a local movie theatre (meet some younger people, learn to greet the public, maybe even popcorn and free movies). Library, various other departments need student-assistants besides the basic waitress.
Talk to your faculty advisor, ask for suggestions.
Where you live – have you met any neighbors? Do the same people wait on you when you shop – what are there names?
If you think of an EUM as a predator, then you need to do what you can to *not* be ‘prey’. That is, making friends makes you part of a group, instead of the lone, crippled victim. There is much more to being alone than just feeling lonely. We need people – friends, acquaintances, familiar faces – to grow, to enjoy life, and to avoid mistakes and harm.
Blessed be!
wow, reading this entry was like a glimpse into my own life. i was recently engaged, and found out he cheated. we called it off a few months ago. while the relationship wasn’t as long as yours, i can honestly say i feel your pain. he had been having another serious relationship simultaneously, while planning a future with me. i was devastated.
i’m also noticing that i’ve shut myself off from friends and family. even though people are reaching out to me, i feel as if it’s only for sympathy, and i don’t want their pity, it makes me feel worse.
i feel bad about myself, because i allowed myself to be manipulated by a horrible man, and also now i’m not sure how to put the peices back together again.
i don’t love him, so the pain isn’t from that…it’s from the manipulation, and breakdown of my self esteem after the event. admittedly, the isolation i’m in now, isn’t helping either.
i’m not in uni, i work, and find it hard to meet new people. at this stage most of my friends are married, and i’m not sure who to turn to.
i’m still just trying to get by, day by day…having a fiance cheat is not exactly easily overcome.
I too feel your pain. 8 years I spent with the father of my 2 year old daughter. I finally caught him in more of a lie only for him to cover it up with what is most likely another lie. As I digress, it’s like the boy who cried wolf. Now I’m trying to figure out what is truly best for my child. Emotionally unavailable men will never change, been there done that, am the president of my own club.
Liza, Often it turns out that what is best for the child is what is best for the mommy. First off is a secure environment, shelter, food, and affection.
The worst part of a problem experience with an emotionally unavailable partner, is that just picking someone that dysfunctional says something about our internal state, that we are picking someone that meets some need in us. Staying in a dysfunctional relationship also reflects some of our own internal hurts and fears and self esteem issues.
So the first thing is security. Emotional security includes keeping Bozo from catching sight or sound of you – any contact will slow your healing, or cause new harm. If he is visiting your daughter, see if you can’t arrange a hand-off with the school or a parent, so that you do *not* see him. If you have to talk to him about your daughter, have a witness/support person there, and keep all responses to other topics simple, “No.” Practice being ‘reserved, but polite’, if you have to talk to him. Practice this with the mirror, in case he surprises you.
There are two really big issues here, that are almost the same thing. Your daughter has to learn from your example that EUM behavior is inappropriate, which means that you can’t accept it at any time,whether she is present or not. Kids can tell, and it matters.
Keep your eyes open for a local paper, ask about at the stores where you shop, especially neighborhood stores or vendors. Learn what is going on in your community, and participate. After a while your face will be more familiar to people, and it will be easier to be included.
What you are looking for is couples, and married women. Happily married women, or at least satisfied, that is – you might be in a position to make a real difference at a battered women’s shelter, but right now that might not be the best thing for you and your daughter. You want healthy role models, people that live the values that make many lives happy or content. You want to learn to treasure those values that make sense – respect, honesty, integrity, responsibility – character. You want to learn that character is something worth striving for in ourselves, and worth requiring in those around us.
You might look for another mother, married or not, with a child about as old as your daughter, and trade babysitting and community information. Another adult role model can be an important part of raising a great kid.
For now, the focus should be on healing and connecting to friends and community. That should be enough to keep you busy, and go a long way toward meeting your daughter’s immediate needs.
Luck!
My relationship ended after 7 years, 3 of marriage, and it was painful. I saw a counsellor who recommended the book “Rebuilding; when your relationship ends”. It’s a must read. It will help you to understand your relationship better and to come to terms with the feelings which can otherwise linger around for years or forever. I suggest you obtain that book and don’t assume you can just get over this relationship.
Keep it all in perspective too. It IS your life, but relationships end all the time, for all kinds of reasons. It’s part of being human that we suffer due to relationships.
As humans we tend to incorporate emotion into our decision making processes more often than we’d prefer in hindsight! But we learn from this, and over time, learn to make better choices – as you will. Some believe it to be a fundamental truth that with the highs come the lows just like the tides. You’ve experienced a low. But you will get the high you deserve. Be relaxed about it. Have confidence.
Know that your future will be bright and let it happen that way.