‘Why does he do this?’ a) Because he can; b) he is frustrated. Without changing his habits and lifestyle, you came back, then went away, and he cannot be sure what your ‘no’ means today; and c) He was goofy before, he is goofy now, and will continue to be goofy, EUM, immature, etc.

Where I work they have mandatory meetings that include reviewing the company policy on sexual harassment. This includes any *unwanted* sexual contact, pressure, words, gestures, etc. Instead of asking ‘why does he’, why not talk to your supervisor. Discuss only the pertinent information – that you did date the guy, that you broke it off, that he is groping you in the elevator and harassing you using company phones and email. Do yourself a favor and do *not* volunteer any other history, but explain as simply as possible if your supervisor asks. Do claim that you have told the guy to back off, do *not* list more than the most recent time. Most companies will warn Bozo once to back off. You need to be honest with yourself and your company – when you ask for their protection (the issue is ‘hostile work environment’ and OSHA demands it for everyone) do *not* get waffly about being casual, friendly, or cuddly with Bozo. If your supervisor gives you anything like a hard time, you should have a Human Resources department to refer the matter, along with a complaint about how your boss treated your report of harassment.

In all instances, be polite, be professional with everyone that you work with. Including Bozo. You might keep notes to write about the hazards of dating at work..

In private time, use the No Contact Rules. Keep reminding yourself that the ex is now not an intimate companion, that history only reinforces the judgment that Bozo isn’t worth your time, nor the risk you run if you allow him into your life.

You might turn to increased exercise to reduce the amount of time you have to think about cuddling with the only cuddle companion you have had in the last couple of years. Exercise can also help deal with accumulating tension and hormones. If you can find an exercise (walking, running, aerobics, yoga, or other) buddy (preferably female, of good character) or three, the distraction and mutual support will go a long ways toward an emotionally balanced life. Other hobbies and activities work wonders, too, especially if you also find companionship. But exercise does burn hormones… at least at first.

I know some ladies may find it hard to swallow a males opinion but I personally think its good to hear a males prospective on this subject. I found myself in a similar situation as Burgled..I broke up with my EUM 4months ago after 1.5yrs together.
We weren’t bf & gf in the sense but we always talked about future, getting married to each other, were lovers but somehow I knew he had a GF bc he would
always disappear on me on the wknds, not show up when he said he would-classic EUM tendencies. Oh yeah forgot to mention we work together. When I left him back in March he called me a few times but I
put up the NC wall and I maintained it until mid April and I caved in and we had sx. After that he txt me a few times but never made an attempt to be with me on the wknds nor did it seem like
he changed his ways. So I put back the NC wall… -since then my EUM has called me on my cell, landline, txt me, tried to grab me in the elevators @ work, told
me he still loves me, when I run into him @ the office, he asks me to call him etc. I would be lying if I said I ignored every txt, the few txts I answered, the few times I paid him any attention he would
respond but then blow cold again. So finally last wk when I ran into him in the elevator @ the office he tried kissing me, and I avoided it but he had the nerve to get mad @ me for treating him ‘coldly’ and with
attitude…I ignored his comment..Soon after getting to my desk he calls my ext and demands to know why im being so cold to him, why wont I talk to him, etc, etc. I basically told him I don’t want to talk to him and hung up on him..that was last Thursday. Now here’s my question for you Brad why does he do this??? Why doesn’t he leave me alone? He cant commit to me but yet still looks for me when its convenient. How do I handle an EUM like this??? Especially since I work in the same company as him!!!

We *do* need our ‘Great Enemies”. Mostly, people don’t change, except for trauma. Making a decision to change, and following through is a little death, a clearing away of the old life and building a new one. Change is measured in pain. And we don’t leave even a painful situation unless we have to – traumatic events force us to change, or we find that we cannot go on as we are, and choose the pain, the disruption, the uncertainty of change.

When we end an addiction – overeating, a bad relationship, substance abuse – recognizing that we face a Great Enemy helps us focus our energy on building our new life, and ending the old one. The image of the Great Enemy makes change possible.

But after the conflict, once we have a life worth living, one without the addicting behavior set on our Great Enemy, then we need to put that image aside.

As we gain confidence in our escape, our victory, we need to broaden our focus to the wide world around us. We keep an eye our our foe, but we can no longer let the Great Enemy define who we are, how we act, or what we feel. And that change from war to life cannot happen until the anger and fear become mere wariness.

Rather than ‘cutting the guy way too much slack’, I intended to direct attention to the next step – react from experience and confidence, rather than from the anger and hurt appropriate for the injuries of the past.

I have never seen a breakup where there was a single bad guy and a victim. The opposing stories both seem to make sense. But.

I don’t take the point of view that I do to defend the guy, to give him the benefit of the doubt, or to suggest that it might not be all his fault. My reasoning is that holding him to blame holds Burgled! back. The anger, even correctly placed anger, is wearying, is distracting, and conceals opportunities for healing.

A toad is a toad. Calling it a toad doesn’t make it less of a toad, or more of a toad. It remains a toad. An EUM or assclown is what he is, regardless of what name I use, or how angry I am when I say it.

But if I want to live a life without assclowns and toads, then I need to start looking at people in a different way. And the terms I use, the blames I assess, the angers I hold will change how I view everyone. When we have a great enemy – a Hitler, an assclown, a bar toad, we have to focus all of our attention on defending ourselves, surviving contact with the enemy, and fighting a war. If, however, we tire of the war, we have to think of what was our great enemy as something less likely to harm us, something that we can deal with as an almost-normal person that we, from today forward for the rest of our lives, recognize as ‘not trusted’, ‘not respected’, and also ‘not a nice person to be with’. That fulfills what we need for the rest of our lives. We don’t need to hang onto our great enemies. Great enemies define who we are and how we confront the world too narrowly.

So I don’t cut the guy slack. I just don’t care about what he has done all that much. What is important is Burgled!’s healing, her peace and her future joy. The toad was a toad, is still a toad, and now is a toad that isn’t in Burgled’s life. Victory!

Burgled, you are the only one that can stop this madness, he will play as long as you let him.

Thank you Brad, I know. You’re right. My gut told me when he first did this that actually, he has moved on.

The only confusing factor is him ringing me and reminiscing and attempting to make plans for a rendezvous. It was very obvious that he wanted us to get together again.

Astelle, you are also correct… I have done it again, hence me being annoyed with myself. But I wouldn’t've done had he not ‘phoned me to say that he wants us to get together and make the most of a situation that has recently arisen.

What I don’t get is .. if it is over, why are you texting him? Bad habit? Or for work or social business? *Texting??*

Forgive me, but it sounds like he is being polite, avoiding trouble, and moving on with his life – without you. If it is over, that is as it should be, and he gives a very, very good example of a respectful way to move on.

You cannot consider an ex-lover to be a friend. It does happen rarely, but I wouldn’t plan on making friends all over again for 3-4 years. Until then, allow space, use formal etiquette rules to the max, and keep all emotions out of any required communications. Be kind, and don’t initiate any personal communications.

Or face the fact that you aren’t moving on, apologize, communicate with him in a way that he appreciates, at times that are convenient and enjoyable for him. Be very clear about what you want for the relationship, be perceptive about what he wants vs. his guessing what you want or his being polite. Making bad assumptions about what the other person wants is a big factor in failed communications.

More likely, though, the affair of the heart and bed is indeed over, but you are still clinging to the warm feelings mixed through the rest of the memories of him. And you are still sorting out what life means, now, after the end.

Luck.

Too true.

I’m getting better at this malarky, though… rebuffed the advances of someone displaying numerous red flags, recently.

This is my ex-UMM, btw.

This has been the case over the past 2 months since I finished it with him. So I thought ”fine. whatever” and then he goes and rings me on the wknd and so i assume after that we can at least be friendly, hence me txting him yesterday.

Ugh!!

Well, I do feel I am breaking my bad patterns regarding caring and being cared for.

The epiphany moment for me was laying in bed (alone of course) a couple of weeks ago and admitting to myself that I hated myself and I didn’t deserve that.

It really colors everything you do – the way you feel about yourself.

I agree with what some have said about not knowing what they want. Because, here’s the kicker. If any of us were emotionally available we wouldn’t end up getting in relationship after relationship with EUM.. There would be nothing appealing about them.

I think I can finally say that I understand that EUM do not change overnight. Heck, who does? I’m certain it’s possible that they could change but they won’t do it for us. I mean, really, when I’ve tried to change for someone it’s not worked out at all.

There are super, wonderful kind men out there. I’ve met many. We just have to be able to connect with them. And I think that’s what we need to work on, not foolish hopes and dreams that never approach reality.

Thanks for listening.

Those of us involved with an EUM – me, for sure – have trouble “getting” that, especially when we are so wrapped up in the “relationship”. And we are literally wrapped in it, tight. Even though my ex clearly told me that he was just visiting (as you said), I did not believe him.

That was my issue for two years. I didnt believe him. He would act differently toward me – make me feel like we were getting closer – then we’d get too close for him and he’d go back to his original stand. Definitely, I want you – I dont want you, over and over again. I stayed because i figured eventually the “I want you” would win out. But …

He was always a visitor. I have not gotten this clarity from staying in it either. The only way we can see things as they really are is if we step away. it is hard as hell to step away. It’s terrifying. The NCR is the only way to do this. For me it’s only been 28 days, but I feel like I’m coming back to life again. Slowly, very slowly.

When I feel weak or vulnerable or just plain crazy, it helps me to come and read these articles and posts more than anything. It also helps to have the occasional man’s point of view thrown in. Men and women are not the same. IMHO, I think that if the sexes would really accept this truth, there would be less misunderstandings between us.

My ex accused me of wanting every day to be a “FN Hallmark card” … really? Maybe he was right, and I tried to change that about myself b/c I knew he didn’t like it. Now I see that was wrong. I accepted him for who he was (an ass) and he could not accept me for who I was … annie-hearts-and-flowers.

and ya know what? that girl ain’t so bad after all!

Thanks for responding Brad.

About “Sex builds bridges for women, builds bonds and ties and binds lives together. Men are different under the covers, wishing won’t change that”

I paid good money for the seminar that made this statement, that sex for men is stroking their ego, for women it is building bridges.

What else can it be? At the beginning of a relationship, the guy is ‘visiting’, he has no stake in the outcome. His invitation is on sufferance – one mistake and he is gone, and he usually won’t be able to avoid all the mistakes. The rules for extending his invite aren’t written, and many of them change from moment to moment.

This doesn’t have to happen. When the relationship becomes long-term before the sex starts, as in couples that ‘wait’ for marriage, neither partner is the visitor. When the sex happens on the first date, one or both are absolutely visitors, and the sex is just an activity.

On the third date? The woman can imagine he has so much invested because he cherishes a relationship, and ‘grants’ an invite .. to her visitor. What he knows is that while enjoying time with her, his investment of time and effort, and possibly money or conspicuous tokens of ‘affection’ buy him a chance at an invite. And each succeeding date or invite is conditional.

And that is what I call casual sex. The sex happens before there is a relationship, one that engages life plans for both participants – a mating. With casual sex, one or both is a visitor.

An EUM might be considered a ‘permanent guest’, rather than a mate. An EUM will always be a visitor.

Look around at happily married couples – there are good men and women out there. And there are ways to build good relationships. Just don’t confuse visitors with family.