Glad to hear life is letting up on you.

The best revenge is living well. It isn’t revenge at all for you, which releases you from ties to the past and to your tormentor.

I would suggest that when you think of future contacts and conversations, you think of your side as being a one-word response: “No.” The time you spend thinking of how it will go, how ‘right’ you will show him you are, the time you spend thinking of how he will learn his lesson – that time and effort ties you to him. Binds you to the past. Makes your life today just that little bit more weary.

He didn’t respect anything you ever said, he doesn’t respect you, and will likely be resentful at any future contact, because you were so contrary he had to chase you down. There is no chance that he will care what you have to say, no chance that he will learn anything from what you say, or that he will blame himself for anything in his life. All your thought and consideration and planning to ‘tell him off’ is a waste of your time and your energy. That simple, one word response, “No.” is a statement, and quite clear. You *dare not* give an explanation to a manipulator. You dare not engage in a conversation – you create ties that he can use to bind and twist you to meet his own needs.

I am sure you realize by now that the other women in his life were not interested in you. That there is no need to be angry with them. You chose to be with this guy, and you are correcting that mistake. There is reason to feel anger at him for his disrespect and deceit of you, but that anger ties you to him still, and you need to let that go for your own health. You might feel guilty or angry with yourself for picking the guy, for living in a way that make this kind of messing around likely, but you are working on that, so there is little need for hurt and anger there, too.

As you come to understand and embrace honor, and honesty, and respect in your life, the chance that you will find another guy like that gets more remote. Set your sights on the stars, and leave the bum behind!

Blessed be!

I was in your shoes just 6 short wks ago. Only thing was i was with this fool for a lot longer than you were. Said all kinds of things to the other woman like she picked the wrong bitch to mess with etc.. before i confronted him and got a royal cursing out. was told to leave him alone to stay away and never call his house again. i even for the first 2 wks kept sending emails etc.. and still haven’t heard a word. it’s only been 4 wks of NC but i tell you i feel better now than i did 6 wks ago and know it will only get better in time. matter of fact it gets better everyday a little at a time. will this fool ever contact me again? sure he will when he needs something or has nothing better to do with his life or one of the other women he is messing with doesn’t want to put out or whatever. i have to be the strong one to tell him to fuck off. he’s not going to do that. why should he when he knows he can have his cake and it it too. they all come back eventually and know who they can come back too.

i hope for your sake that you have learned a lesson from all of this and truly move on and find someone who is worthy of you and will not take you for granted.

Best of luck. Peace.

But she had a guy that was hanging back after a year. Instead of cutting him loose, she rewards him with an intimate weekend.

She has a guy that seems ‘a bit shady’, and instead of figuring shady guys would make her life a torment, would always be isolating her from community and school functions and keeping her from friends, she rewards him by trying to ‘win him over’.

So when the guy’s Main Squeeze rushes in, reality smacks Tess across the face, and she is left wondering if this is a one-time mistake, or part of a pattern. Since she hasn’t been taking the warning signals seriously (yet), she likely feels guilty for ‘jumping to conclusions’ – if she wasn’t thinking that, I am *sure* that is one of the lines the guy uses to cover up the incident.

Tess’s first task it recognize that he hasn’t been a good companion for her, for half a year or more. And that is the reason she must dump him. The extra girl thing may or may not turn Tess against him – but his deceit is an enormous obstacle to forming a family.

Tess was already embarked on a crusade to ‘win the guy over’, to pull a Cosmo transform on his ass, to grab his attention, win his respect, and triumph over his ‘fear of commitment’. Only he isn’t afraid to commit – he isn’t capable of committing. Tess isn’t familiar with the signs, she isn’t familiar with the type of guy, nor is she accepting, yet, that an EUM doesn’t change. There is only one defense against an EUM – get away, and avoid them.

Tess have a tough time ahead of her. It would be so easy to continue overlooking they guy’s lack of character and let him convince her this was nothing. It happens to many victims. They remain victims until they ‘hit bottom’ and finally call it quits, abandon what can’t be saved, and move on.

Tess worries about ‘wasting’ a year. I sorrow that she thinks about wasting the next month on a guy that will continue to degrade and belittle and deceive her.

that should make walking away that much easier..

leave him and move on..

Why ask
why are you doing this to me
We should be saying
Why am I doing this to myself

Get strong, Get Right, Get Out and Choose Better

After consideration, I think that is still the right impulse, though actually sending the flowers or note would be a bit much.

What is most painful about all this, though, is that you really do know what to do. You knew he was shady, you were already sure he wasn’t a keeper, you were just looking for ‘proof’ – or for the frog to turn into a handsome prince. Your first, initial instinct – you picked up your stuff and left – was what your heart and your head believed were the right thing to do. You already knew the answer of what to do now. It hurts, and no, there isn’t any way to fix what happened.

As NML and the others have said, the problem here is his lack of character, not the events of the weekend, not the story he has to tell, and not even the year you fear ‘losing’. That won’t be fixed. He will never be a good mate for you. He won’t change. You will never make a ‘man’ of him, and he won’t *become* a dependable, mate-prospect. It won’t happen. It doesn’t happen for men with this kind of problem: Emotionally Unavailable. His life is a permanent date. Dating two women at the same time? Hey, he is the king of high school. He never grew beyond seeing women as date-partners, has never wanted a long term partner.

I think the rule is something like 4-6 months, for a healthy relationship to get at least as far as moving in. He won’t, though. That is *not* about having another relationship, is *not* about what he does or doesn’t do with another woman. His resistance to moving in is that it ties up his other date nights.

You need to end the drama, end the romance, and end the relationship. Not because he cheats, not because there is another woman, but because he will never be a good choice for a mate. And how can you afford to waste time, dating someone that you won’t marry?

I know I use mate and marry as if they were the only reason to date. I think the best long-term relationship partners are people that would make an excellent co-parent and life-mate prospect. Evaluate dates from that perspective, and you avoid the slick-talkers with all that experience talking people into bed (which is a horrible talent for your partner to have, when you would like to thing you are in a dedicated relationship).

Use the No Contact Rule, break it off now, tonight. And hang in there!

as the world turns..

I can’t stand women who continue having affairs hoping the guy will pick them. And I reckon that’s what will happen to Tess if she takes him back.

NML, great advise. Eventually they all get caught, just a question of time…

oh, and he’s still lying to you… just so you know.. everything he tells you he will do or why he did it is a lie..

and i have a question? why were you in a hotel room, if you thought you guys were exclusive? why not your place or his place??

that’s what i really want to know!!!