Phoebe asks: “I cut contact with my EUM (Mr Unavailable) six weeks ago. He continues to call and I continue to sit on my hands until the phone has finished ringing. I’m very proud of the progress I have made. The problem is I continually vacillate between feeling a sense of personal power and feeling guilt over cutting contact with him without telling him why. If someone did this to me, I would be devastated. The no Contact Rule is easily the most selfish act I have performed in over a decade.
I understand that it is not necessary for me to speak with him in order to move on. But can you please explain to me, why it is not morally wrong to discard another person without explanation?”
NML says: I’m not keen on Dear John letters, or breaking up with people by text or email, or just disappearing into the night. If you’ve been in a relationship with someone, it’s a disrespect of the person. However…and there is a big however, no matter what you think you had or have with your Mr Unavailable, a ‘relationship’ full of respect is not one of them.
When I suggest to people that they instigate the No Contact Rule, it’s because they have exhausted all other avenues.
The No Contact Rule is for breaking up with men that don’t want to break…but they don’t want to give you what you want either and step up to the plate. It’s ideal for men that blow hot as soon as you tell them to get lost, and blow cold as soon as your behaviour gives even the remotest hint that you’re back in line again and that you might ‘need’ them or ‘expect’ something from them.
Morals differ from person to person so the reason why you take issue with is because if you were to be treated in the same way, you would regard it as morally wrong. That’s fair enough. But don’t you think that it is morally wrong for an emotionally unavailable man to breeze into your life, lead you on a merry dance showing you his wonderful self in the beginning, start blowing cold as soon as he gets ‘nervous’ and then tie you up in ambiguity, broken promises, and mismatched words and actions?
Don’t you think it’s morally wrong for him to enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without actually being in one with you and refusing to commit…to anything? He can’t commit to being with you, he can’t commit to not being with you, but he won’t leave you alone, stop looking for sex, and generally using you for an ego stroke and sounding board?
There is absolutely nothing to stop you from going to your Mr Unavailable, telling him it is over, don’t call me, contact me, speak to me, attempt anything, whatever…and then starting your No Contact Rule. If that will make you sleep easier at night then so be it but…and there is a but…if you’ve got to the point where you feel the need to cut contact, it’s not exactly suggestive of a man who is going to respect your decision. When we feel the need to explain our actions, be sure that you understand your motivations for doing so:
Are you telling him what you’re doing because you really want to explain it so that you don’t feel selfish?
Or are you telling him because you hope that it will galvanise him into Mr Ready for Love and Commitment Guy?
Let me be real with you – If you have been involved with a Mr Unavailable, every single act that he does is out of selfishness. He doesn’t care what you think or want, and his actions are in contradiction with his words. Yes you’re a grown woman and you have facilitated the relationship and his behaviour, but unless you are schooled in how to deal with these assclowns, it’s pretty damn confusing when you tell a man to beat it but they still won’t beat it but they still don’t play ball either.
This isn’t tit for tat, and I’m not saying he’s selfish so be selfish, but I am saying stop thinking about this assclown and start thinking about you. If you have the time and energy to be worrying about what he thinks, you haven’t come far enough yet and you’re probably in that stage where you may be spending some time obsessing about what he might be doing/saying/thinking right now.
The scariest thing – You’re sitting there being worried about being selfish and it is unlikely that he has expended even 5% of the volume of your energy considering what you have done. Planet Penis La La Land doesn’t even cover it….
Be proud of your decision and embrace what you have done. He has not embraced you and put both of his feet into the relationship and he discarded you many a time before you got to this juncture. You’re giving waaay too much thought to this guy and you’re giving waaaay too much storage space to guilt.
Guilt is not going to achieve anything. You go and speak to him and explain your ‘discarding’ him and not only do you break your silence, but you exchange one set of thoughts and possibly guilt for another. Shouldn’t you be more worried about why you still worry more about what he thinks and feels, than what you do?
Put yourself first and do what benefits your self-esteem most. If that turns out to be that you won’t rest easy until you do things the official way, so be it. If it turns out that this is a wobbly moment of self-doubt, spend some time focusing on your happiness and see how you feel in a few weeks time. Nothing is set in stone. Some people ease their way to No Contact and gradually distance themselves and ease themselves out of it (The Get Out Plan) and others because they have been down the road already many a time, have done the talking, the wheedling, the crying, the begging, and the God only knows what else, see no other option but to cut contact.
YOU know why. And you know what, even if you told him why you have cut contact with him, he is so distant from the reality of his actions and so disconnected, that he won’t comprehend what you’re explaining or may even be defensive and angry. The emotional capacity of a stone comes to mind….