sad womanPhoebe asks: “I cut contact with my EUM (Mr Unavailable) six weeks ago. He continues to call and I continue to sit on my hands until the phone has finished ringing. I’m very proud of the progress I have made. The problem is I continually vacillate between feeling a sense of personal power and feeling guilt over cutting contact with him without telling him why. If someone did this to me, I would be devastated. The no Contact Rule is easily the most selfish act I have performed in over a decade.

I understand that it is not necessary for me to speak with him in order to move on. But can you please explain to me, why it is not morally wrong to discard another person without explanation?”

NML says: I’m not keen on Dear John letters, or breaking up with people by text or email, or just disappearing into the night. If you’ve been in a relationship with someone, it’s a disrespect of the person. However…and there is a big however, no matter what you think you had or have with your Mr Unavailable, a ‘relationship’ full of respect is not one of them.


When I suggest to people that they instigate the No Contact Rule, it’s because they have exhausted all other avenues.

The No Contact Rule is for breaking up with men that don’t want to break…but they don’t want to give you what you want either and step up to the plate. It’s ideal for men that blow hot as soon as you tell them to get lost, and blow cold as soon as your behaviour gives even the remotest hint that you’re back in line again and that you might ‘need’ them or ‘expect’ something from them.

Morals differ from person to person so the reason why you take issue with is because if you were to be treated in the same way, you would regard it as morally wrong. That’s fair enough. But don’t you think that it is morally wrong for an emotionally unavailable man to breeze into your life, lead you on a merry dance showing you his wonderful self in the beginning, start blowing cold as soon as he gets ‘nervous’ and then tie you up in ambiguity, broken promises, and mismatched words and actions?

Don’t you think it’s morally wrong for him to enjoy the fringe benefits of a relationship without actually being in one with you and refusing to commit…to anything? He can’t commit to being with you, he can’t commit to not being with you, but he won’t leave you alone, stop looking for sex, and generally using you for an ego stroke and sounding board?

There is absolutely nothing to stop you from going to your Mr Unavailable, telling him it is over, don’t call me, contact me, speak to me, attempt anything, whatever…and then starting your No Contact Rule. If that will make you sleep easier at night then so be it but…and there is a but…if you’ve got to the point where you feel the need to cut contact, it’s not exactly suggestive of a man who is going to respect your decision. When we feel the need to explain our actions, be sure that you understand your motivations for doing so:

Are you telling him what you’re doing because you really want to explain it so that you don’t feel selfish?

Or are you telling him because you hope that it will galvanise him into Mr Ready for Love and Commitment Guy?

Let me be real with you – If you have been involved with a Mr Unavailable, every single act that he does is out of selfishness. He doesn’t care what you think or want, and his actions are in contradiction with his words. Yes you’re a grown woman and you have facilitated the relationship and his behaviour, but unless you are schooled in how to deal with these assclowns, it’s pretty damn confusing when you tell a man to beat it but they still won’t beat it but they still don’t play ball either.

This isn’t tit for tat, and I’m not saying he’s selfish so be selfish, but I am saying stop thinking about this assclown and start thinking about you. If you have the time and energy to be worrying about what he thinks, you haven’t come far enough yet and you’re probably in that stage where you may be spending some time obsessing about what he might be doing/saying/thinking right now.

The scariest thing – You’re sitting there being worried about being selfish and it is unlikely that he has expended even 5% of the volume of your energy considering what you have done. Planet Penis La La Land doesn’t even cover it….

Be proud of your decision and embrace what you have done. He has not embraced you and put both of his feet into the relationship and he discarded you many a time before you got to this juncture. You’re giving waaay too much thought to this guy and you’re giving waaaay too much storage space to guilt.
Guilt is not going to achieve anything. You go and speak to him and explain your ‘discarding’ him and not only do you break your silence, but you exchange one set of thoughts and possibly guilt for another. Shouldn’t you be more worried about why you still worry more about what he thinks and feels, than what you do?

Put yourself first and do what benefits your self-esteem most. If that turns out to be that you won’t rest easy until you do things the official way, so be it. If it turns out that this is a wobbly moment of self-doubt, spend some time focusing on your happiness and see how you feel in a few weeks time. Nothing is set in stone. Some people ease their way to No Contact and gradually distance themselves and ease themselves out of it (The Get Out Plan) and others because they have been down the road already many a time, have done the talking, the wheedling, the crying, the begging, and the God only knows what else, see no other option but to cut contact.

YOU know why. And you know what, even if you told him why you have cut contact with him, he is so distant from the reality of his actions and so disconnected, that he won’t comprehend what you’re explaining or may even be defensive and angry. The emotional capacity of a stone comes to mind….

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
 

29 Responses to Relationship advice: I feel guilty about the No Contact Rule. Is it morally wrong to disregard someone without explaination?

  1. I can relate says:

    I too had a difficult time with implementing the N/C rule, but it is really effective if you stick to your guns! And like NML has said in the past, eventually they will “go away” and probably find the next “taker” to start the process all over again. You’ve done the right thing. Keep it up!
    Believe me I’m feeling very humiliated right now in that I tried several x’s to break contact and he continued to pursue. I finally sent an email to him that basically said “you will forget I ever existed in your world”. That worked for just over a month, and this past weekend I had a couple drinks in me and texted him (basically an invite for drinks), and he never replied. Which is actually good because it spared me of a lot of pain I’m sure. It really showed me though that I’m still struggling with ending it when I know it is truly a ” toxic ” situation.
    I admit I’m struggling, but I have got to stop using excuses or trying to justify why I somehow want the contact to continue whether it be him contacting me or me him.
    Today again, I will CHOOSE to step away from this situation. Sometimes it’s a day by day thing, until you get to a stronger place. He obviously is moving on and so must I. I’m thankful I’m not alone in my struggles, that’s why this site has been the best place for me. Thanks again NML and wishing all the best for YOU Phoebe :)

  2. Loving Annie says:

    NML,
    Oh wow, there you go again, another brilliant article.
    It is so true about when they do this (the EUM games/what we had with them), they have no respect for us, and it is only about thier selfish needs.
    And then here we are, thinking and worrying about them. I love what you write. It helps me every time, brings more clarity to the picture.
    NO THEY DO NOT DESERVE EXPLANATIONS WHEN THEY HAVE DONE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE.
    We deserve to take care of ourselves instead.

  3. lisaq says:

    lol @ Planet Penis La La Land ….

    I completely agree NML. Why would you worry at all about it being wrong considering all the assclown put you through and may still put you through? Because we all know that EUMs being EUms will still continue to try to contact you even if you tell them you’ve initiated the no contact rule and that, especially at the point Phoebe is at, will only make you feel worse.

    I initiated it with The Math Teacher 3 months ago and did tell him in no uncertain terms there would be no more contact. He doesn’t call but he does have an annoying habit of putting his hand on my a$$ when I see him at the club. The last time he did it, I landblasted the SOB, but I guarantee he’ll do it again. Why? Because he’s a EUM. Because he can’t believe that I don’t want him anymore. Because he thinks doing so will draw me back in.

  4. Brad K. says:

    There might be a middle road here.

    Phoebe, I hear you asking two different questions. The first question is whether the ex deserves the courtesy of an announcement, or an explanation. The announcement that you are going NCR would be courteous, but would likely cause you more pain and anguish. An explanation is a very bad idea – if he didn’t hear your concerns before you broke it off, he won’t understand anything now. What he will understand is that he gets to twist things around again to salvage his ego, prove his worth, or just bully you into going along with him.

    The other question I hear you asking, is whether you are doing wrong by not communicating anything with him. And this is obviously, “Yes!” But it appears to be the lesser of evils, for you to be discourteous, in order to protect yourself from more abuse and bullying.

    But there might be another way, if you wish, to apologize for your discourtesy without (probably) causing yourself more grief. Talk to a lawyer, and request a formal ‘cease and desist’ letter, registered, and filed in the city or county courrhouse, be sent to him. In most locations, for a nominal fee, you can get the sheriff local to his residence to serve the paper, if you and your attorney want to go that far. Otherwise the lawyer may recommend a certified letter be sent. What this does is make a public, formal statement that you are done with him. You get to state that no, you aren’t waiting for him to grovel enough, you don’t want him to do anything but leave you alone. You also serve notice that you are willing to elevate your unhappiness to a public, perhaps legal position.

    Lawyers don’t come free, and usually not cheap (I might guess $50-150). If you care enough, though, about acting in a discourteous manner, then this might be something to consider.

    Note that it also establishes a legal trail, in case you want to get the phone company involved in stopping his harassment (continued calling).

    I suppose if you decide to have papers served on you, you could have it done at his workplace, if you are really irked with him. But you were asking about courtesy, so the first steps should be as private as you can be, while still getting the correct message across.

    Luck!

    (“The crude man, by his manner, makes others be direct.” Christopher Stasheff, ‘A Company of Stars’)

  5. FinallyOverIt says:

    NML, again another great post, and I agree 100%. In a perfect world, we could have a “heart to heart” with our EUM, explain how we feel, and they would nod in agreement that we are correct, they are emotionally stunted and we deserve better and send us on our merry way…..yeah, right! We know it doesn’t work that way, and yes, the emotional damage they inflict upon us reaks of disrespect and devaluing us as human beings. It is sad fact of life that sometimes you just can’t make things right and fair by words or actions–you just have to remove yourself from the situation and move on with your life. The quality of compassion for others, which is probably what prompted this reader to ask this question, is a quality that EUMs do not have.

  6. Laura says:

    Wow, I am so glad I found this site. This is a great article, come at a perfect time. “My” (I use quotes because he clearly doesn’t belong to me) EUM is due back from a trip today and I’m been wavering about doing the no contact thing. But I do see it is right for me.

    The only thing to be gained by talking to him (again) would be me feeling more degraded and disrespected. And you’re right, the impetus to talk comes from the fantasy that he’ll magically become Mr. Available!

    One thing I think is important for us to remember is that it’s normal to be struggling with all this. We’ve become emotionally invested with emotionally unavailable people and are trying to break the patterns. There will be triggers and bumps. But we’re heading in the right direction. And every thing we do along the way helps us get closer to what we truly want.

  7. amy says:

    It IS morally wrong to disregard a decent guy without explanation. However, it is absolutely NOT morally wrong to disregard an assclown without explanation.

    I did it with my EUM six months ago. Trust me, it was the best decision I made in a decade.

    He had so many chances to deserve a better treatment and a more decent breakup. And: all the emails he sent during these 6 months (which I don’t respond to, but he keeps sending every once in a while) confirmed he didn’t get a thing. He continues to blow hot and cold in his emails, trying to find the right frequence to catch me in his net. Nothing new, except now I only laugh at those poor attempts and think how deluded I used to be.

    Please, stick with it. It gives great strenght and boosts self-confidence. With him I reached the bottom. Now I have the time of my life. You deserve it. Everyone does.

  8. Laura says:

    Amy,

    That’s a great comment! I think we get caught in these relationships for a long time because we are emotionally involved and don’t want to hurt the other person. But, really, that would like not wanting a criminal to go to jail.

    What makes no sense is continuing to go back to someone who is disrespectful and degrades us as people.

    When I am not in touch with this guy I feel great about myself. It takes some time each time to shake off his assclown dust but once I do I am my “real” and “powerful” self.

    Time really does heal all wounds.

  9. annie d says:

    NML … you did it again! Your timing is perfect for me. It’s been 23 days of NC from my EUM and today I almost blew it! We work together and he came into my office b/c his boss was there. He did not look at me – he did not speak to me – he did not acknowledge my presense. It killed me. It was very tense and uncomfortable.

    I thought about going to him and saying – hey, cant we be civil at work? – but Thank God, I did not. It would have made me feel worse, I just know it. He is acting all hurt and upset b/c I have cut all contact with him … well, duh! You broke up with me for the millionth time!

    I’ve been guilty of doing just like the article says, I’ve begged, I’ve cried, I’ve done just about everything to keep this ass around. … what has he ever done for me? Nothing. I may love him but I will never shove my love down his throat again.

  10. Suzie Q says:

    NML, you are right on! I totally needed this today. I decided that I needed it to be over with my EUM once and for all. I sent him a text telling him so and never to contact me. He immediately contacted me and tried to defend himself. He even went as far as to blame me for what he did wrong! You are so right, men like this can’t even see the reality! It is all a big game to them. No contact and no explantion is the way to go. One of the biggest things that makes these men EUM is that they can’t communicate – so why bother explaining why you are leaving. They never get it anyway!

    Suzie Q

  11. angela says:

    With my EUM, there were many times when he severed contact with me without ever an explanation-so I figure, why do I owe him an explanation? Other than my own guilt, because I normally never just disregard a person, it’s becoming clear that as my emotions subside its really more about redirecting energy and focusing. And that guilt is probably from my years of self-inflicted abuse by being around this guy! I say give it some more time. It’s been over a year for me, and every time I want to re-establish contact, I stop myself and really wonder if he’s ever given half as much consideration/anxiety? No way!!

  12. JohnWalker says:

    I’ve fallen in love with this woman when I was still married. It was very difficult to me to decide what to do (I was very close to my wife and I’ve got kids too), but after a lot of soul searching I said to myself that I didn’t want to live a double life. I’ve decided to give this new relationship a chance and left home. Some days after, I received an e-mail from this woman telling me that it was the end of the relationship and to leave her alone. I tried to have an explanation, but NOTHING. No more dialogues, phone calls, e-mails or letters. And I didn’t know why. Needless to say, pain was excruciating. Only when I’ve read Carter’s book “He’s scared, she’s scared” I’ve understood that she certainly is a commitment phobe. And I’m very surprised to see this kind of advices (no contact rule) in this site! Why? No one deserves this kind of silence treatment but a sociopath…

  13. NML says:

    @John Walker It’s not for me to judge you or your actions. The NCR is specifically about breaking up with someone when you have tried every other means possible and they don’t accept that the relationship is over. Whilst I appreciate that you are upset, you are talking about two totally different things. I can’t legislate for what has happened in your affair, but for whatever reason, she doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. She didn’t disappear, she told you, albeit coldly, that the relationship was over. Now, she could be a commitment-phobe, she could be a bit of a game player, or she could be a woman who got sick and tired of being an OW and waiting for you to finish deciding who you wanted to be with. I don’t know what happened with your relationship, what I do know is that you are only seeing things from your perspective and your reality. If you’re so close to someone, how do you get to having an affair? The two things don’t match. You think you’ve done her a big favour by soul searching and eventually choosing her, and whilst I can certainly respect the fact that you’re a MM that actually managed to grow some balls and leave his wife, ‘soul searching’ on someone else’s time, is actually a rather painful procedure. For her. Sometimes, the reality of being with you, is no longer that exciting and you may represent something to her that reminds her of not being good enough, second best, and you having to agonise over whether to be her. But that aside, don’t judge these women, my readers, for finally looking after themselves, after pandering to men who don’t know their arse from their elbow and can’t commit to being with or without them. And btw, men who cheat on their wives…are also commitment phobes. How you managed to read that book and not see yourself in it, is beyond me!

  14. NML says:

    @ I Can Relate Exactly! Fallback Girls make excuses to stay with Mr Unavailable’s and then when the relationship is over and they break contact, they make excuses to let him back in. You need to choose you. Of course it’s a struggle – it’s a mentality and lifestyle change. Go with it! {hug}
    @LisaQ That’s hilarious! The ego of him to think that a touch of your ass is all it takes! Assclown!
    @BradK You sure know how to take things to the next level but admittedly, if you tell a guy to beat it and he still won’t, mentioning some legal stuff should work…unless he’s a stalker…
    @LovingAnnie Thank you! Honestly, the selfishness of them and right to the death, women are worrying what THEY think! Who’s worrying about you!?
    @FinallyOverIt You actually touch on one of the core issues. Thinking that how we think and do things is how they do. They might share some of the same emotional and commitment issues, but they just don’t think or have the capacity for empathy or compassion.
    @Laura Best of luck and I’m glad you realise that there are bumps en route because extricating yourself out of this dysfunction is not easy!
    @Amy That comment is priceless and is perfect description (the whole trying to find the right frequency). They’re idiots! I am really glad that you have overcome your struggle with him – you sound very positive!
    @Laura Love it! Love it! Assclown dust! I will have to quote you!
    @AnnieD Amen, amen! Through pain comes realisation comes power! Ignore the assclown! {hug}
    @SuzieQ Spot on! They just blow hot to put themselves back in control of things…and then vamoose again. They don’t understand. They’ll think you’re talking about someone totally different…
    @Angela Exactly! There we are, feeling hurt *for* them, and they’re off thinking about work, or what game to play on their xBox or wondering when they think they can slip back into your life for sex. The one thing they aren’t doing though is feeling hurt for *you*. Stay cool and stay true to you!

  15. Brad K. says:

    @NML, I deliberately suggested a lawyer, rather than the court order or letter, because I felt the additional ‘reality check’ step of talking and explaining was important. No one benefits from overreacting with court orders, or even the No Contact Rule, when the need is for a simpler approach. Plus, hopefully, if there was a stalking issue (I heard it does happen), the lawyer would hopefully spot danger signs and have important advice – at a time when planning might avoid a lot of problems.

    And where did the blasted shift-two’s (@) come from? Gag me with a spoon.

    @JohnWalker, this article and others about the No Contact Rule are about guys that are blatantly, repeatedly acting ian antisocial manner, their words and actions have been hurtful to those involved, and they don’t seem to take responsibility for the pain they cause. Usually manipulative, often possessive and reclusive by turns, the type of partner or date that brings women here generally won’t hear much, and will respect less. No Contact is not a toy or a tool to use during a relationship – it is a step toward recovery, for one that has been emotionally injured, and needs respite from an abuser. These cads may not leave bruises or blood showing, but the women they injure emotionally need a lot of healing to enjoy life, let alone a healthy relationship.

    To be honest, some of the women involved often needed healing before this current jerk – they may have a pattern of unhealthy relationships because that is all they know. Baggage Reclaim is about much more than fixing a bad date. This is about life change, finding the support and guidance, online and offline, through articles and comments and friends met, to identify poor values and choices, to learn that some things have to be left behind, and hopefully to learn to live free of the past’s baggage.

    One thing I might mention about your story,John. If you had been actively, emotionally involved in your marriage (this is different than ‘committed’), you would not have noticed the ‘Other Woman’. If she had been healthy in her character, in her values, and her emotional state, she would not have noticed or had time for a married guy. I like the fact that you recognized that your marriage was over, because you had already withdrawn (the affair). But there are still a lot of questions that will likely take formal counseling to work through. For instance, character issues such as loyalty, honesty, and discipline come to mind. Responsibility for children, for wedding vows, and for a realistic intention of the best good for you and your family all would have seemed to point to learning to be a good husband – not drifting around. ‘Had an affair’. Notice that nothing I mention here depends at all on anyone else’s actions, feelings, or words. No one can ‘make’ you behave contrary to your nature – unless you choose to.

    As for why the woman of your affair cut you off – you likely scared and bitterly disappointed her. She had deliberately picked a guy that was tied down, that wouldn’t be bothering her on week nights or unexpectedly. Then you turned around and showed up, making her party to your kids’s losing their father, your wife having her home disrupted. And you might not have planned this with her. Soul searching is well and good. When you take a mate, a partner, you should work out mutually satisfactory answers. You share with your wife or your woman or whoever what is going on. Surprises are highly over-rated, and often insulting.

  16. jana says:

    I share 2 children with this MM and he refuses to see the kids. Recently i suggested that a third party get involved who is willing to drive our son to him at a neutral location and also pick him up. He agreed but on the agreed day he never showed. He refusees to return my calls even when its about the kids and yet he continues to be a model dad to his kids with his wife. Our son has started asking about him and the youngest is too young to understand. I really do not know how to handle this. After i broke up with him which has been a year and a half he refuses to speak to me on ANY level and refuses to see the kids although he willingly went along with the break up. Please help cause most ladies here seem not to have the kid attachment with the man.

  17. Brad K. says:

    Jana, how sad. It seems you need legal advice – such as filing a paternity suit and for child support payments. You may not want to take his money today, but you can set up a trust fund for the children, to cover expenses if times get hard(er), or for their education later. This also establishes a paper trail documenting both his parental relationship, and his avowed disinterest. In the worst case, he might raise issues legally later.

    As for contact between him and the children, I would not push it. They need a responsible adult. The best would be for you to find an honest, responsible man to share your life, and to act as a parent to your children.

    Next best would be to find another single mom to share an apartment with. Just be sure that any men the kids come in contact are co-parent and potential-mate qualified – honorable, disciplined, joyful, responsible, and good with kids and animals.

    Others will have experience with those tough questions. I can only imagine. No one wants to state, “Your daddy doesn’t want you.” But how about, “No, your Daddy doesn’t live with us, because Mommy and Daddy disagreed. We live away from each other.” I do know you want to avoid getting detailed and explaining motivations – the kid isn’t that interested. A short explanation, as if that is all the explanation there is, is much less painful for everyone.

    Talk to an attorney about contact. My first inclination is to establish a legal trail to preserve the legal aspects of your relationships, and to let him drop from your life and the children’s lives. The kids need a man – but not necessarily that man. Lots of kids grow up without their father, whether by abandonment, by estrangement, or by death. There are ways to adjust, and ways to make a new, full life for you and for them.

    Blessed be.

  18. JohnWalker says:

    @NML and @Brad K.: Thank you both for your comments. There’s no room here (and no point too) to go much further with my “story”, yet I’d like to stress some points:
    – “She could be a commitment-phobe”: I’m pretty sure she is. More than this, she’s a serial abandoner. Of course, I didn’t know this when I met her;
    – “She could be a woman who got sick and tired of being an OW and waiting”: our affair lasted less than 3 months;
    – “If you’re so close to someone, how do you get to having an affair? The two things don’t match.” Not “so” close, only close. But you’re right. It was a HUGE mistake;
    – “You think you’ve done her a big favour”: No, I don’t;
    – “Don’t judge these women for finally looking after themselves”: I’m not judging. But one thing is self defense, another is murder. And NCR can be a very letal weapon when misused. Nevertheless, I understand that sometimes there’s no other way;
    – “How you managed to read that book and not see yourself in it, is beyond me!”: I did see myself in it. I know I do have some commitment issues myself and I’m working on it;
    – “If you had been actively, emotionally involved in your marriage, you would not have noticed the Other Woman”. Not so sure, Brad. Sometimes we’re strong and sometimes we’re weak. But maybe you’re right. What I know is, even if our marriage had some intimacy issues, my wife didn’t deserve cheating. That’s why I’m gone;
    – “There are still a lot of questions that will likely take formal counseling to work through”: I agree 100%;
    – “You likely scared and bitterly disappointed her”: I did scare her and I did disappoint her;
    – “Your kids losing their father”: They didn’t lose me. I share their guard with my ex-wife and we keep a very close relationship. But they’ve lost some important things, I agree.

  19. Jana says:

    hi Brad K

    Thanks for your advice. The thing is he does maintain the kids financially – he puts money into my account every month. My problem is that my son who is going to be 3 has started asking about him and many times he pretends to be having a conversation with “daddy”. My daughter doesnt know him at all and he has sen her maybe three times in a whole year. I have seen him many times with his other kids and he is a great dad to them – my problem is why can’t he have a relationship with our kids?

  20. astelle says:

    Jana, does his wife know about you and your kids?

  21. Kim says:

    Jana – I sympathize more than you know. If it makes you feel any better my ex-husband had an affair & left me 8 years ago for his girlfriend. He has no contact with his BIOLOGICAL children but is there 100% for the the children he had with her before we ever got divorced. I get very little support financially. I agree that regardless they should be there for ALL children involved. I think it is just easier for them to pretend the others don’t exist so they don’t have to see themselves for who they truly are. I don’t know how you encourage them to take part. If his wife doesnt know that would prob be your answer. He doesnt want her to find out or rock that boat. It would be nice if there were something legal you could do but I know of nothing outside of financial. It’s sad. My kids are older now & i can’t say it hasn’t affected them.

  22. Brad K. says:

    Jana, I know this sounds harsh. But my inclination is to allow him to drop out of your kid’s lives. How he behaves away from your home and your loved ones has nothing at all to do with how you should expect him to behave in your home.

    I still think you want to discuss this with an attorney, to cover topics such as severing his parental rights so his next wife doesn’t raise custody issues, and the fact that he chooses (for now) to be non-custodial, and uninterested in visitation with the kids. Leaving these dangle might come back to haunt you, where a bit of preparation now could smooth the future.

    There may be a single parent’s network in your community or church. Other single mothers have surely faced this question. If they don’t have the Golden Answer, perhaps they have experience with mistakes to avoid.

    @astelle, I don’t like to see the wife brought into the fray. On Jana’s part that would be more about revenge, and about meanness and bullying because she can, and very little to do with getting her kids a good father. Please allow the wife to enjoy what peace she has with this guy – it might not last that long. If her life and her kid’s lives get torn up, let it be because of them. There is no way to punish him without injuring his other victims. And besides – it is possible she has gotten a grip on him to preserve her children’s family. Please don’t make her life any harder than it is.

  23. astelle says:

    Brad, No, No, No, I am not that type of woman that is looking for revenge or hurting other people or making her life harder than it is…

    Reason that I asked that question: He won’t see the kids, won’t take her phone calls, puts money in her account every month ,makes me believe he wants her and the kids to be in the past and he is cutting the ties completely.

    Being a single Mom is hard, I would not sever his parental rights at this time, at least take the financial support. He may go ahead and give up his parental rights for that same reason.

    I would leave him alone, who knows he may turn around one day and realizes he should be there for his kids, but I wouldn’t wait on him.

  24. Jana says:

    Hi guys

    We all live in the same town so she does know about them. We run into them at the supermarket and so on. He has said to friends that he misses the kids but if he sees them then that would mean the end of his marriage. He has told me to take our son to see him at work, but then his wife frequents the area and i really would prefer having no confrontation. He does’nt make an effort though. What really startles me is that he was the one who suggested we start a family and asked for months on end before i agreed. By the time the second one came he wanted nothing to do with none of the kids. Anyway i have made an appointment with a therapist to help me deal with this for the kids sake so lets hope this works. He always says the kids are not the first and they won’t be the last, because his own parents had abandoned him as a teenager, what’s odd is that he is doing the same thing that he swore he wouldn’t do.

  25. Brad K. says:

    Jana, I see a really *big* problem with hiding your children from anyone. Kids are people, and people shouldn’t have to be kept hidden (except from predator criminals). Whether his wife knows or not, whether the need to keep your kids hidden from her is a lie or reality doesn’t matter. You are still acting as if you were having a sex affair with an adulterer. You need, and your kids need, you to act as a parent.

    Whatever the dynamics in his household, you are *enabling* him (in the passively encouraging addictive behavior sense) to continue to evade or hide responsibilities, you leave him options to take up with your kids in the future, but you are handing him the keys to your life, the foundation for your kids’ senses of self worth, and all of your respect. And we see clearly that your respect means nothing to him, nor does his responsibility or honesty mean anything to him.

    Whatever relationship there ever was, whatever happened, is done. It has to be over. If he left his wife tonight, you still could not afford to let this ne’er-do-well into your life. But he is a parent of your children, and I really believe the legal system is a better keeper of that fact, than his selective memory.

    Please let us know how the therapy comes out – and do give it time. I understand the first weeks can be tremendously wearying.

    Blessed be!

  26. astelle says:

    Jana, I agree with Brad, this situation is just a legal matter at this point.
    I am so sorry and hope that a therapist can help you heal and move on.

  27. De says:

    Jana,

    my heart goes out to you. This woman is demeaning you and your children. And it is because of HER insecurity…if he did this to you, he will do it to her and she knows it, that’s why she is afraid and holding onto too tight. Pretty soon she’ll be writing stuff on these pages!

    Hold your head up high and cut THEM from your life. They are not good enough for you. If they were good people they would come to you and ask how to proceed in a balanced way, but they don’t. You have not lost anything you have won… you have won the opportunity to find someone who deserves you and your beautiful children, be proud that you are doing it alone. Count your blessings everyday, every one of them.

    De

  28. Jana says:

    Thank you guys so much for these encouraging remarks. It has really helped. Lets hope the therapy gets me back to being the independent whole person i know i was before all this happened.

  29. Sheila says:

    something funny about cutting contact w.o an explanation.. i did it after about 3 months after not being able to ignore the texts, calls etc…I actually hung the phone with him on a Tuesday all buddy, buddy, best of both worlds, then by Thrusday decided I was done.. We were no longer together and he was not getting the best of both worlds, mainly my companionship and frienship..I blocked his number out of the blue, totally blind sided him… and yes it was hard.. i did it for 3 weeks til i crackd on mem day w/e after seeing him, but let me tell you a few things about these guys.. for starters i know he tried calling 5 times, bc little did I know my phone records record the call coming in although i block it.. ( win/win huh?).. second.. in those three weeks he never called from a different number, sent and email, or did anything to say, “what the fck is going on”.. and third, when i finally ran into him, said “hi” politely and moved on, he still did not want to know why i would not take his calls and was blocking him, esp since i did it right out of the blue…. WHY???? His ego is too big for him to admit he cares, he probably doesn’t care, or he knows he’s a total assclown and that’s why i did it..
    so as far as “no explanation”.. who gives a sht.. there are a dozen explanations I never got from him!!!!!

    stay strong

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!
Set your Twitter account name in your settings to use the TwitterBar Section.