I have observed that many families aren’t kind to each other, and I wonder if that isn’t what you are seeing. He may have been taught, by example and through ignorance, to treat strangers and those outside the home with courtesy, but never saw courtesy applied within the family. I would look at his parents, his siblings, and see how they interact – some families can be quite brutal and shockingly horrible with each other. His mother was likely one of those ‘boys will be boys!’ undisciplined types that keep training up the monsters that clutter our relationship landscape. His father was likely the role model for both him and his mother about how to behave in public and in the family.

And I think you named your own answer to how it happened with you – you tolerated, gave permission, to his acts of disrespect and discourtesy. This probably made him comfortable – Just like Mom! – but led directly to failing to ever connect with you.

Because you were lying to him the whole time. At the same time you let him get away with bad behavior, you still knew it was wrong – deceit through inaction. you let him think his behavior was acceptable to you, while you concealed your hurt and your knowledge that his behavior was discourteous and disrespectful. You won’t respect him when he always gets it wrong, when he keeps making the same mistakes. You didn’t get help to resolve his behavior or your response – until now! lol!

In a perverse way, you might feel that he gifted you by feeling you were part of his family. His politeness to others means he doesn’t feel close to them. Ugh! I cringe just thinking of twists like this.

We live in small town so I can’t get away from him completely. Drives me insane…. I did nothing to deserve his disrepest except tolerate it and had way too much patience and forgiveness with him. I should have never gotten involved. There were red flags which I ignored because the sexual attraction was so strong. I run myself in circles wondering about this. I was NICE. Probably almost doormat nice but found enough dignity to pull my head out of my own a$$ a year ago and walk away. Emotionally I am still attached and wounded. I keep telling myself I didn’t deserve to be treated that way… but the next thing that pops into my head is “Why can he be nice to other people but he couldn’t to me?” and the answer doesn’t matter. It’s over, it’s done. It is ME that has to heal, grow a spine, and forget all about him.

Brad K. – I love your advice. So right on. I save chunks of many of these colums in a note file and re-read when I’m making myself crazy and over-thinking and going on and on with “WHY WHY WHY?”

Thanks everyone.

When you take a mate – which you haven’t, yet, at least not with this bum – part of the ‘commitment’ thing is that you take on responsibility to be a partner, to take on partial responsibility for his growth and health and joy. The reason that you do this, is because giving him joy is what gives you joy. Note that I do mean joy, and not humor. Humor, what we call funny, is about humiliation and pain. Joy on the other hand is about delight, about brightening our day with a gorgeous sunset, with the sight of a flower, or a friend. Your mate will be finding the same delight in life when you find happiness. Look for ‘joyful’ and content, not ‘sense of humor’.

See, this guy is on a perpetual date. He has no interest in anything beyond the time you spend together, he isn’t about to blend lives into a family with you or anyone. And you have been living a perpetual date, too. You let your body’s excitement over sexual stimulation, your physical craving for emotional validation, drag you into a bad habit – of closeness with an unsatisfactory date. A date – a casual social event meant to pass the time. Not a partner, not a mate, a simple, casual, inappropriately intimate date.

Despite the sex and excitement when he is ‘on’, you have to end this *bad* date. Take your jollies into your own hands, and *stop* hanging with dating people. The last thing you need after this bum is what you are most likely to do – date another bum with just as shoddy a character as this bum, because you will most likely look in the same places you found this street trash. Find a counselor, find out what ‘good character’ can mean in your life and in the people you choose to spend time with (hang with good people, so if someone seems interesting, at least he won’t be *guaranteed* to be deceptive, manipulative, and disrespectful – *never* talk to anyone where they serve alcohol, that you didn’t arrive with).. Find a counselor to help you find happiness in living for yourself, first, and what it means to be responsible for your safety, health, and happiness.

About your sister. I wouldn’t say anything. Ever. Let it go – it is better not to know, and forget you ever cared. Let the guy go. Either a) they will get together, in which case they deserve each other; or b) they never got together, and your sister may not be the monster you fear her to be.

Just like the bum you are about to drop with the No Contact Rule, you have already said everything to your sister that she is ever likely to hear from you. You have to stop meddling, and stop nagging. Start respecting your self, and your sister, by *not* nagging or repeating warnings, or accusing.

Note – if you resent what your sister might have done, and *cannot* let it go, then talk to your sister – she is the only one that you still have ties to. Don’t accuse her of stealing your guy – he was never your guy, ever, even though you thought he was – don’t accuse her of competing with you, don’t ‘give’ her permission to pursue him – you have no ties to him, and no right to ‘protect’ your sister, after describing how he treated you. In the future, if she finds him as harmful as you have, she will treasure your support in recovering. There *is* no joy in this thing, anywhere. And if you can face yourself, admit that the bum cheated on you and who he did it with is secondary to that major, ultimate problem – he is disrespectful to you.

Every moment you spend with him validates and gives him permission to keep messing around. Even if you are chewing him out, or hearing his excuses and pleas and promises, if you are there, he is winning and he will continue. Just how many women do you want to sleep with, second hand? This isn’t grade school, or high school, it isn’t cute, or ‘boys will be boys’.

He harms you by being near you, by being in your thoughts. You will never heal, and you will never find a better guy while this bum is around. Don’t let this bum define who you are.

Hope this is a turning point for her, and she dumps the EUM chumop and has a heart-to-heart talk with her sister, and a counselor if necessary.