One can’t say she didn’t know he had a girlfriend. The girl knew where to find the girlfriend, who didn’t even live with him! Everyone saying that Kim has no right to be angry with this girl is ignoring some salient facts. Are you really suggesting to Kim to only focus on his cheating and not on the other facts that this woman came to her door, not a shared home with him, but to HER door to confront her about some man. No one would welcome this ignorance at their home from some stranger about anything, much less about a boyfriend.

You are very justified in wanting to thump her, in my opinion, Kim. She obviously knew he had a girlfriend and that it was you. She showed up at YOUR HOUSE to confront you for being with him under the delusion that he was trying to leave you. Sure, you are mad at him, that’s why you aren’t taking his calls. But this woman tracked you down when you had nothing to do with their little “relationship”.

But don’t thump her, or destroy his property. They aren’t worth it.

That’s why I thought I might post here.

I have been the OW, and there is something I would like to write to the people reading this blog who have been cheated on. I think you are all more than justified in feeling intense anger towards people like me, who were so selfish and inconsiderate in their actions whilst being the OW. Although I don’t disagree with NMJ’s brilliant advice re: holding the man accountable for his actions, I don’t think that ‘myalmostlover’ is being unfair in pointing out that the OW is not an innocent victim in these dramas either.

In my case, I feel so much regret for my actions, and if I ever was to contact this girlfriend that I’ve hurt, it would only be to tell her how sorry I am. But I would never do that- because I doubt he’s told her about me since I cut him off- and I don’t feel it’s my place. I was foolish to believe his lies about loving me- the whole thing was incredibly deluded- but I was not innocent in the situation and to a large extent, invited all the hurt and disappointment that came my way.

I’m sure that most OW out there feel the same way, and if any thoughts of vengeance directed our way are aimed at making us feel sorry, or making us feel the hurt that we caused you- (we certainly deserve to feel both those things)- I can safely say that we do feel very sorry for what we’ve done already.

It doesn’t make anything better at all, but I just thought I might say it.

Wherever I read comments, I always think maybe we all dating the same man?

I cant trust men anymore, they all dogs!

First of all I was not dating a married man. I was discussing my bf who cheated on me with another woman who knew he was in a relationship. So I know the dynamic and how that feels. I am by no means giving cheating men a pass at all. I think the blame should be laid on them entirely.

Also none of us can know for sure that the woman Kim’s bf was cheating on her with knew the full extent of his relationship with Kim but part of Kim’s statement…”I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn’t’t know how”…..seems to suggest that the woman Kim’s bf was with certainly did know.

My point was Kim’s bf was definitely to blame, he cheated, he lied to her for a year, he made the choice to betray her. But I also think when woman date committed or married men knowingly they aren’t innocent victims, unless of course the guy doesn’t tell them he has a wife or a gf.. We all have to take responsibility for our actions.

K??

I would think that her story is true, why else ask NML for help??

The ONLY thing that I will agree with you is, that the blame should be put on HIM, he played with both of them.

It’s time to walk away, work on her own issues and get healthy!

Do not believe that all men behave like this. They simply don’t. You do need to pick a guy that has solid morals and wants a healthy relationship. You can’t pick a man that says he wants this but his actions say differently.

I’m living it myself. Wrestling with how to meet, attract and start building a romantic relationship with a good man. The first step in the journey for me was saying goodbye and walking away from the EUMs to whom I used to be attracted.

The second step for me is building my self esteem, self esteem and self confidence.

And the third step is stepping out of my comfort zone with respect to meeting new people, all the while being aware not to slip into my old patterns (of loving EUM and the associated drama).

My point here is that you can love a good man and have him love you back. However, the answer lies within you.

As for the douchebag – run away from him as fast as you can. Do not look back. Cut him out. Tell him you two have spent your time together, the sun has set on your time and for him to please leave you alone so you can get on with your life.

As for the woman – it’s not her fault. She was less than classy by confronting you but – she now has the jerk (or does she really?) and honestly, maybe it was the universe’s way of making you aware of the reality of the situation.

All the luck in the world – you can be strong!

Kim, The thing with anger – is you have to let it go. A warrior can channel that anger, that energy, for a battle, but you don’t have an enemy. Well, maybe, but I will get to that in a moment.

See, the reason you are so intent to commit harm is fear. You are afraid of losing your guy, and losing your relationship with your guy. And you have suspected for a long time that you had already lost your guy.

All the traditional signs are there. He lied to you, by not telling you about this other sex partner (Hello! Safe sex, and uncontrolled STD exposures!), and again when you confronted him. You are ready to break his possessions, then ready to batter the other girl. Sorry – the reason you shove all this aggression at others, is you are afraid to face yourself. As long as you can maintain the vendetta, keep attacking *someone*, you can put off facing yourself, and your fears.

So the first thing to do with the anger is to deal with your own issues. Please consider an experienced friend or counselor, maybe your pastor, to help guide you through to a happier balance. The topic here is anger management. Breaking things and beating on people is not a healthy response, and creates more problems than are ever solved.

Yes, you should expect to feel some anger, you were betrayed – by him. But you were already suspecting it. You already knew he was capable of lying and deceiving you – but you kept him with you. So he betrayed you, deceived you again. So what? You have been living with his other lies, how was he to know that this particular deceit (another sex partner) would be unacceptable?

You would be happier today, if you had left him when his untruths and deceits turned out to be his way of life. Because you would have had time to deal with the emotions, you likely would have been away from that particular loser, and a better man might have noticed you by now.

Staying with a loser delays your healing, and keeps honest men from taking you seriously.

I don’t want to call your mother an enemy, but she gave you the best advice she had from her own experience. She picked a guy with shaky morals and a ‘wandering eye’ to be your father, and she had to be his conscience. Her advice is disrespectful, and applies to your guy because you picked him to be like your father, at least as far as his character goes. You know that kind of character, he meets your understanding of what behavior is expected, and you have been comfortable with that.

But this is just wrong. At least your father (I assume) was bright enough that any outside flings never showed up at your door, at least while you were home. And you can’t accept a guy that has to be watched. A guy that has to be watched doesn’t respect you. If you have to watch him, you can’t trust him. And you can’t respect a guy you can’t trust, and that you have to watch. No respect for him, he doesn’t respect you, and you don’t trust him. That doesn’t leave *any* room for a loving relationship.

Don’t let your anger turn toward the girl (she apparently has more than enough challenges in her life, if she still wants this guy sleeping with a second woman. Is she pregnant, that it now drives her to confront you?), because there is nothing in her behavior that affects you or your relationship. Seriously, what your mother said has a germ of truth, but in the large, is the death of a relationship – follow her advice and you can never trust a man – or find fulfilling love. If this girl is silly enough, or ignorant enough, to confront you like that – there is nothing she will ever learn from anything you do or say. Send her a ‘Get Well’ card with best wishes, or just forget about her. She doesn’t deserve any more heartache than she has already bought for herself.

Use your anger towards this guy to form a wall, an expression of emotion to represent the death of the life you lived before today, as you clear away the dregs of your old relationship, and begin healing and moving on from this guy.

You are not his mommy, you have no right nor obligation to train him, to smarten him up, or to punish him – that all comes out as abuse. Abuse damages you as well as those around you, please avoid that.

But he is a liar, he is exposing you to any number of unsuspected, and unknown, sex partners. He is dangerous to be around, you really need to send him on his way, for your own safety.