So. Just suppose you change your life, and *assume* he asked you to marry. Maybe pull this just after an intimate encounter, or an intoxicated evening. No, that would be mean and deceitful. Also trite, since it is done that was so often. But you didn’t hear that from me.

As of today you would have three main items on your life’s agenda, until the wedding. 1) Answer the question – is this a worthy guy? Honest, honorable, respectful, disciplined? Good with kids and small animals, a good co-parent prospect? 2) Build your home. Work out with the BF where you will be living, what arrangements need to be made, what family traditions from both sides will influence your home, how the money will be handled. 3) Redefine your self-image – be a wife, a mother-to-be, a companion, and if you are employed outside the home, a married employee.

Let’s wrap up this ‘let’s suppose’ moment now. My thinking is that facing the BF with the reality of commitment, he will have to face his own goals and desires. He may go along with you in a daze (but you have to resolve that before cohabiting or marrying), he may relax into the new life role and plans, or he may object and do anything from panic to run away to resist. But you would have moved off the rut you are in now. All it might take would be to begin living as if you had accepted his proposal.

I agree with NML that you made a fundamental mistake. But I think the mistake was when you told him what you wanted – and never, ever followed through. If you really wanted to be married, why would you accept anything less? When you make a demand, you have to accept the results – and correct something if your demand isn’t met. Sometimes the right thing is to give up the demand, sometimes you need to modify the demand, other times when you don’t get what you need, you have to intervene until you overcome obstacles and achieve your goals. What you did was make a demand, and accept non-answers.

Like any kid, he found that you had little discipline, little will to complete a task. You say what you want, and expect to be taken care of. And you don’t hold others to agreements. (You do honor your own agreements and honor your word, right?), So you taught him that communicating with you is different than many people expect. You will complain about little time together, complain about showing up late and wanting fed, and then you go ahead and accept the situation. (My ‘first rule of parenting’: Don’t reward bad behavior.)

Now you have to start detecting each failure, right away, every time he lets something slip. When you start respecting his word, he will, too – or you learn that he isn’t respectful, isn’t dependable, isn’t honorable. But then you would have to choose – adapt to whatever he is, or let him go, and give yourself a chance to grieve and heal over losing him (allow months to years), and find someone else.

It all depends on what you really, really want, and how much you are willing to do to get what you want.