And yes Phil – you are unavailable. However, your lady friend needs to share some of the blame here as well for accepting your shoddy treatment and for beleiving that she can “bring you around to committing to her.”

Do the honourable and manly thing. Stop sleeping with her, break up with her and give her a chance to meet some one who is fully available, ready & willing to reciprocate her love.

In a real sense, Phil’s actions and understanding are in line with popular TV shows, novels, movies, and beer and Vogue and Victoria’s Secret ads. He is a true son of modern culture. Dysfunctional, but not evil.

The wonder is not how many perpetual, professional daters there are out there with no clue nor drive to get beyond dating as a lifestyle – the wonder is that so many good people manage to move past the ad-inspired pop culture to establish nurturing relationships.

I am not excusing Phil for wanting a sexual relationship outside the bonds of a committed long term mating. But remember, we still celebrate the ’summer of Love’ back in the 1960’s, for more than just good music. Much of the Women’s Liberation movement was to claim sexual ‘freedom’ – permission to act like assclowns with men.

Phil’s limited understanding at the time was a *huge* problem for the women in his life, and for him, too. It just seems harsh to me to blame Phil, now, for what he didn’t know, then. It would be like blaming a color blind person for wearing one brown sock and one red one. It doesn’t even sound like there is massive disrespect here, either.

Kat, I think maybe we should save the big guns for the really evil ones – the abusers, those without respect, the deceivers.

It does indeed take two to tango, and if someone offers me cake on a plate I am going to eat it too. That is all that Phil is doing.

Phil, you know what the answer is and you don’t need to be asking here. Stop wasting your time and get busy with someone you really care about, releasing your lady-unloved to someone who might give more than a toss about her.

No, better still… Spend some time on yourself and leave the world of relationships alone until such time that you are ready for another.

FSTL, thanks for your original response above, it helps so much to not be the only otherwise intelligent, caring woman going through this.

As for your morning ruminations, i do the same thing on days i dont have work or plans. It may help if you schedule something that forces you to get up and get moving (teach someone english lessons, get a personal trainer appointment or a massage..) If you’re anything like me, once you get up and do the first thing in the morning, you’ll feel pretty proud of yourself and pumped to fill the rest of your day with positive, productive things that dont require the presence of others.

If you schedule things for first thing in the morning and then you push through the cloud of bed-ridden ruminations to get up and get going and come through for yourself, it should make you feel great. Us fallback girls are so used to going the extra mile for our EUMs.. when you start applying that effort to yourself, it is massively gratifying. And at least for me, it spells one less day that i spend thinking about my EUM and one more thinking about what i really want and why I deserve it. Because I rock!

You rock too FSTL.

My first thought reading your question was that, yes, we have to find happiness in ourselves, we can’t expect others to make us happy. But I disagree with you, others *can* take away our happiness (or NML wouldn’t have anyone to write for!).

There are any number of wonderful, classic ways to manage difficulty getting started in the morning. Keeping a fixed routine – jump up, do some exercises, grab an orange juice and a bowl of oatmeal (the roughage keeps other cycles moving smoothly, which indirectly adds to a normal daily rhythm). Really! get in the habit of getting through the morning ritual, at the same time every day, no matter whether you go to work. Maybe plan on cleanup or something, before you get to the end of the routine, well out of bed, to plan the rest of the day.

A pet needs regular care, and can be a wonderful way to establish an ‘every day, come hell or high water’ set of tasks that bring us out of our own thoughts. Clean the litter pan, walk the dog, clean the bird cage, feed the fish/cat/dog/bird/lizzard/snake/trantula – whatever pet you choose. Plus, cats, birds, and dogs respond to voice, we can pretend to influence snakes, lizards, fish, and cats, and each has their own beauty. An aquarium also helps maintain moisture in the house. Or maybe volunteer to help clean cages at the local Humane Society. That will take your mind off about anything. Just remember – never take on more than one pet a year!! Trying to ‘fix’ needy situations gets us in trouble!

But likely part of the malaise is depression. Mild depression hits most of us, especially at trying times (like a breakup). Keep up plenty of fluids, healthy eating, a good, active routine, and keep contact with honest, respectful and respected people. Talking to an experienced counselor can help restore energy. Some people find it really tough, getting back into balance, alone. Make sure you are taking your vitamins, along with healthy eating, regular sleep and rising times, and more walking and exercise.

Luck!

Another tough part for me is I was looking for a relationship to make me happy and happiness is hard work that has to be done by myself. It’s a journey, but one I will continue to walk…

My whole life I looked to others for my happiness…and I never realized I did that. No one can give you happiness or take it away for that matter..it’s really in learning who you are and not being afraid to face your fears and feelings…it’s scary for me. I don’t think I ever really let myself fully feel all of my feelings and always found a way to numb them, either men, food, shopping or being with friends. The most difficult for me is in the morning, I find it hard to get out of bed when I don’t have to go to work or don’t have plans in the morning…I lay there and ruminate about things…takes me an hour or so to get moving. Any ideas????

-10 – my EUM is an assclown
– 30 – I am not “healing or finding a suitable mate” and that I need to walk away
+40 – he is sleeping with me
+20 – taking my calls
+30 – acting boyfriendy when we’re together
-30 – he says he only wants to stay casual
-30 – he doesnt see a future for us
=====
-10

A negative sum means ==> he will *not* someday soon come around

Depending on the day, and the mood, and how long since he messed you over, some of the negatives could seem less negative, or the pluses seem more positive. And that would tip the scale to show a possible “Yes!” for coming around, treasuring you, and being their for you the rest of your life.

That is why, from day to day, the answer seems to wobble back and forth.

But I think there are a couple of factors missing. To me, respect is a major biggie. And you don’t list anything about respect – because he doesn’t respect you. You are missing a -50 for respect.

You didn’t list honesty. Yes, he sleeps with you, but he also reassures you his life is a perpetual date, that he won’t be helping you build a family – which makes the continued sex a deceit. A dependable bed partner implies a lifetime commitment. I would rate his honesty as a strong -30 or worse, depending on whether you can trust his promises and his stories and excuses.

When you combine his track record, and look at his actions over the last months, the answers and prospects look a lot grimmer, than when you sample your own feelings at the moment (that gives him leverage to talk you into stuff that you know to avoid). Fill out his ’score card’ every morning. And list *everything* that applies to a reasoned decision – can you afford to spend another *hour* of your life with this guy?

The alternative to spending time with this guy, is to start recovering, start identifying baggage, start becoming the woman that the kind of man you need, will want. And you can’t find that lifetime family thing until you get past this perpetual dater you have sleeping over.

You ask why you can’t cross that divide from ‘hanging on’ to ‘busting free’. You are letting him pick the discussions, letting him set the terms. He keeps you focused on the parts of discussion he can win, and you let him distract you from your own needs, from reasonable values – and from the time you keep donating (wasting) to his perpetual date.

If you pay real close attention to time, maybe that will help. Because we all know, you are not allowed to pay attention to anything a person says an hour before, or half hour after, an orgasm or the hope of an orgasm. So be careful not to include anything he says in the ‘black out’ times, when you think of his value as a future mate.

I’ve just ended it with my EX EUM for the 5th or 6th time after 2years of going back and forth. I rode that enticing, rocky rollercoaster, for 2years…so don’t be hard on yourself. What helps me now is to rid myself of black and white thinking…either I would frame my ex eum as a manipulative bastard and hate him for not giving me what I need (all the while still having a relationship with him) and have pent up anger toward him because I wasn’t getting my needs met, but was afraid to express my anger

OR

I was at the other extreme where I was ignored all of the ways he showed he didn’t really care and I saw only the good times, the special connection, the intense physical attraction, the playfulness, his generosity, kindness, affection and his awesome sense of humor (which were his good points). The hard part for me was trying to figure out if “He’s just not that into me /manipulating me OR was he that damaged, disconnected and emotionally selfish and immature.

I still don’t know, but the bottom line is that either way I’ll never really figure it out and I’ve wasted too much mental energy trying to figure out something that I will never really know. Also, it was only a partial relationship in which it was his way or the highway.

What I am realizing now is that there are gray areas in life and we come together with people for different reasons. I think this last painful relationship was the one that made me face my own issues and I’m working with a therapist and reading a lot of material on self-esteem and realizing my self-esteem was so low and I was desperate to be loved and to have a relationship. The fear and anxiety I had regarding not being lovable or not being able to have a successful relationship kept me stuck in this one.

So…take a good, hard look at yourself and get help if you need it…it’s a long journey, but we are worth it!

Thank you NML and everyone for the support and a place I can share my thoughts and feelings where it’s safe and there is encouragement and understanding.

Bless you all!

I hold out hope that this assclown behavior is only a screen behind which he’s the same great, committed guy who he was to his ex that he’s still getting over.

How can this fallback girl gather the balls to cut it off for good when i know he will continue to chase me and ill probably fall back into it?

I say both Phil and the girl need help. Separate therapists please.