Carries asks: “I was devastated recently to discover that my boyfriend has been cheating on me with a woman from his work for the past 8 months. He was my world and I would do and have done anything for him and to find that he had been sleeping around has brought me to my lowest point.
She gave him an ultimatum that he had to finish it and when he didn’t she called me up. She even had the barefaced cheek to tell me that he wanted to leave he just didn’t know how. Of course I confronted him and at first he denied it, then he admitted it, then he said it was just sex, and then he said that for a while he thought he had been falling for her but that it’s me he wants.
I don’t even know what to think but we have been together for over three years and I don’t want to throw away everything I have invested into this relationship. He says he loves me and he will do what I want, and maybe this is the time for me to lay down my terms because I want to get married and have kids. But then I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him! But I don’t want to start again. He swears that it won’t happen again but he doesn’t know that I called his ex and she claims he cheated on her with some girl at his local bar. I don’t know what to think. I’m thinking of telling him to leave his job…. What should I do?”
I’ll start this by saying that only you know your relationship so what I say to you is on the basis of what you have told me, and what I don’t understand is why you want to hold on to someone who can’t be trusted?
I don’t think it’s fair to say that if you cheat once, you’ll cheat again, but he already has cheated before, and he has cheated again.
Have you considered the fact that you wouldn’t even know about this unless his OW had forced his hand? So you have to wonder how much longer he would have continued to cheat without your knowledge?
Relationships must be built on a foundation of trust, respect, and care, and you have none of these things. I know that three years is a long time, but if you buckle in for the long haul, you’ll have a hell of a lot more pain ahead of you.
I would also take note of the fact that even though she came and told you, he didn’t admit to it properly and instead wanted to continue with the lie and drip feed you the truth.
You have to ask yourself what you want here: is it him or just the security of having someone there and not having to be single again?
If it’s him then you need to work out whether you can continue with him and if so, on what terms. You need to communicate these terms to him and get what you want, and if he over promises and under-delivers, walk away. If you stick with him, It means that you’ll have to forgive him and that you can’t keep throwing it back in his face every time you have an argument. It means you have to be comfortable with him returning back to that work and that woman? Or be pretty certain that he can find another job.
But remember, you can take the job and the cheating environment away from the man…but you can’t take the cheat out of him if it’s what he is predisposed to do…
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