This one seems way too far gone to be saved. I hear the three year investment thing and I think it’s a bitch to lose that, but it’s not nearly as bad as a 10 year marriage or a family getting torn apart. Cut your losses and walk away. There are just too many things wrong for the relationship to succeed as described. Go get yourself a nice bf who won’t screw around on you.

http://www.oceanofperspectives.com

Being with someone you can’t trust is like walking on eggshells and you know what else, what about its spillover effects – on YOU. I am that woman, been there and done that. Its not a good healthy happy place to be in, let alone build a marriage on. People who love and care about you – do not hurt you, lie to you or cheat on you, let alone let you find out the ugly truth from someone else.
Its really hard but you need to envision yourself 1 year, 2 years from now and what does your gut tell you. You could still be this guy and maybe expect another call or you can spend that time living and loving someone who truly deserves you.
Nothing changes until WE change.

My BF confessed to me at the beginning of our relationship that he’d cheated in every other major relationship we’d been in. While strategically this was a poor admission to make 2 months in, he did it on purpose because if we were to go forward, he didn’t want me to have any false impressions. I have no doubt that he’s devoted to me and has changed, if it had been me he had cheated on then I’d never be able to trust him again, no matter how much I wanted to. The commenter above talks about the fellow not having any respect for you and the potential for that to affect any children you might have with this guy–but staying also indicates a lack of respect for yourself–and is that an attitude you want your future kids to pick up on?

Best of luck. What a horrible situation.

Carrie, there are a couple of other thoughts that come to my mind. One is, how many sex partners do you really want, that you don’t pick? Partners with varying hormone effects on your guy, exposure to diseases, capacity to get pregnant (by mistake or that old ploy to ‘get’ the guy to settle down)? Remember, he isn’t getting your advice when picking an ‘extra’ partner, and may not be screening their health. One approach might be to invite the OW to move into your home with you and the guy, to share and share alike. Maybe the two of you could keep tabs on Casanova (but I doubt it). Most people, though, aren’t thrilled with three in a bed as a lifestyle.

The other thought is – his cheating is a lifestyle. He is experienced, this is a life skill he will never forget. He was successful keeping this other lady secret for a long time, which takes planning, skill, and a devious (or fragmented) mind. You did find out about this one lady. It is possible there is only one, but I wonder if there is another one or two other women out there that he continues to ‘entertain.’ That might have been part of his reluctance to admit anything – he wasn’t sure which one you had discovered.

Think about having kids, now. If you want kids to grow up bullies and abusive, pick a bully or abuser for a mate – this is well known. If you want kids that respect themselves and others, you have to have respect for your mate, and he must be respectful, too. There are few things that show *disrespect* more clearly that deceiving someone.

There is a line that has been used, “I need some space.” And that is my recommendation. Get some space and time between you and him. Take a few months or longer to review your goals, to figure out if you want a guy that needs other women and cannot be honest with you or himself. Get a change of scenery – hang out with responsible, disciplined, respectful people. Maybe in a half year you can decide – try again, or seal it off, grieve his loss, and get on with living.

Living with a cheater for three years, and not wanting to lose that time is not the issue. Frankly, if you are still working toward getting married after three years, you have to realize that you are on a long detour to somewhere scary. You might want to consider whether marriage is really what you want, if you have put it off (or accepted delays) this long.

A lot of question around this topic. Cheating, like domestic violence, is often an echo of the past. Many people have learned better, than a devoted mate is priceless – and sufficient for any one life. Yet there are decadent images of earlier times, and examples of friends and families that seem to make it OK, so bozo’s still play the games on themselves and others.

Please don’t help pass examples of cheaters onto the next generation.