1. I had to write down a brief description of the situation. Then I had to figure out my part – where had I acted out of fear, pride, ego, selflishness, self-centeredness, ambition, etc.? I focused only on my role in the situation – not anybody else’s. I wrote down how I was wrong – I was selfish and that was wrong, etc.
2. Then I had to become willing to have those defects of character removed. This is pivotal. If you’re not ready to give up your pride, selfishness, or ego in this process, everyone loses.
3. I made amends to people where doing so would not injure them or others. I did not tell my exe I cheated on him. That would be continuing my trail of selfishness. The best thing to do in that case is to make a living amends – that is to say, to never do that thing again.

You did what you did, and there’s nothing you can do to take it away. If you can’t live with the guilt, then break up. If you want to change and maintain your relationship, then you’ll need to admit your character defects to your BF without revealing your affair, for his sake. I have a feeling if you were being unfaithful physically, you probably aren’t being the best GF in other ways.

The reason I would tell the bf all is because HE NEEDS THE REALITY CHECK. The knowledge of the affair is a major change agent and he needs that in order to get his emotional life together and to make himself more available to future partners. If she doesn’t tell him, he’ll always have question marks and he might not make the improvements. It’s tough love, but they both need to go to the bottom before they can bounce back. She’s cheating because of the man that he’s become…he needs to know this in detail.

Sleeping with a colleague has so very many things wrong with it. Your BF has a right to think he knows who his sexual partner is. You, sleeping with another guy, who is sleeping with another woman – you place him at risk for things he didn’t choose.

You made an implied promise, when sleeping with your BF, to participate in a relationship. In the US today, that usually means just the two of you. By cheating, you made that promise a lie. Lying and deceiving are character flaws. You need to be able to respect yourself, that when you promise something you know you will make every effort to keep that promise. If you don’t believe yourself, you won’t expect anyone else to. And life will get much worse for you, as you lose trust in yourself and others. What to do? Redeem your word. Go to the colleague, explain you made a grave error, and you don’t like yourself or what you have done. Tell the colleague you intend to be respectful, honest, and faithful the rest of your life – and the affair is over.

Most times when we do wrong, the right thing is to admit our mistake, take our consequences, and take steps to never repeat the error. In this case, I would never *tell* the boyfriend about the cheating. It will be harder on you not to have someone else punish you or forgive you, but confessing out of the blue would be a needless affliction to your BF. Suck it up, clean up the mess as best you can, quietly, and go on. If the BF ever accuses you or asks, you have a problem. If he has found you out, admit it immediately – but if he is just making a wild accusation, then keep mum.

You complain about what your BF brings to the relationship recently. Yet you steal time, attention, and physical responses away, for a distraction. This is grossly unfair to yourself and your BF, as well as to your relationship. As NML stated, you need to make a choice. Your attention wandered. If you were actually, truly engaged in your relationship, you shouldn’t have even noticed the colleague. You have to decide – are you in a relationship with your BF or not? If you are withdrawing, then close it off – without mentioning the cheating. Or get your head on straight, and get back to making life more comfortable, more secure, more joyful for your mate.

If you don’t find satisfaction and joy in supporting your BF, you aren’t really in a relationship. You are using him for a security blanket, a cuddle toy, or just a ‘friend with benefits’.

And then you still have the big issue to deal with. Why doesn’t he trust and respect you enough to share his problems with you? Close off the cheating, first, clean up your part of the relationship, then after a week or three, look harder for answers to why the lack of support for each other. And remember – he deserves either your support, or your honesty about whether you are committed to him. You promised.