since then it’s been 4 wks of NC. i feel better now then i did 6 wks ago though i am not 100% i know in time it will get better. does all this mean that what we had is over? for the moment it is until the day comes when he needs something or has something goes horribly wrong in his life or one of the women he is messing with doesn’t put put or whatever then and only then will i hear from him.

I know that this day will eventually happen. it will be up to me to the strong one to send him on his way and end the maddnes once and for all because he won’t. why should he if he knows he will always have someone like me waiting in the wingas for him.

We have to be strong for our selves because we aren’t nobody else will be.

@ Tulipa – Eventually, most of us have an epiphany moment – that unavoidable realisation that changes your perspective of everything and forces you to take action. The sad reality is that if we don’t sort ourselves out, life can be very sad.
@Lance – I don’t doubt that both are at fault. Much of this situation is of Cheryl’s creation – no doubt about that. BUT, Bob, is a total douchebag assclown. She is single and foolish, he is attached, selfish, and opportunistic. Oh and spineless. But this is why I say that you don’t go down the FB route if you’re trying to get to girlfriend – talk about trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear!
@FakeItTillIMakeIt – Love it! You are so RIGHT about how these men are truly perceived. They have no integrity and are completely selfish and one day they’ll wake up and realised that they are overgrown boys, alone, whilst others around them have move on. That last line was a killer – sing it!
@FinallyOverIt – Seriously, these guys have egos of mass proportions!

The gravy? These guys are so screwed up that everyone will figure it out eventually. Not because you told them, but because others have eyes and ears and they see how these guys treat everyone around them. They’re absolute crap friends because they only do what they want to do when they want to do it. And they’re so spineless that they’d rather see people walk out of their lives than have a difficult, honest conversation or alter their behavior to suit anyone but themselves.

Firstly, if Cheryl was friends with Bob for years, why did she not date or have boyfriends during this period? In other words, why was she waiting for him? NML tells us she was in love, but I have a hard time believing that’s the only reason. I mean, we’re talking years here. If she’s single the whole time and waiting for this guy, that’s HER problem. She needs to get a grip, become more confident and secure, and get her own mates. Period. Especially if he gets a girlfriend, she simply shouldn’t be making herself available sexually to this guy. Time to move on, sister.

Next thing. If they have a fuckbuddy relationship, there are rules there, and they have to abide by the rules and be honest with each other. One of the rules is that either one can start dating or get into an LTR at any time. That’s the price of the casual sex. He got a gf, which means she HAS to move on and find someone else. Again, she shouldn’t be pining for this guy or making herself available.

Yeah, Bob is a douchebag for cheating on his gf, but it’s both their faults that they’re in this mess. Don’t blame it purely on the guy. Confident women don’t wait around for flawed men to come around.

This is so true, I feel responsible for where I am in my ‘relationship’ with my EUM because I have chosen to be there. Sure I want it to be different but I have learnt from a long history of involvement with EUMs you can never change them, you can only be responsible for yourself and where you are in life.
I don’t really know what the wake up call is to get out of these situations, its probably different for everybody depending on what your tolerence level for ‘crap’ treatment is. Hopefully, for each of involved with an EUM this will decrease till we no longer even tolerate the sight of them.
Ps I saw ‘Sex and the City’ another Hollywood blockbuster that promotes the changing of an EUM (as in Big) to an emotionally open guy..

It has to be done – walk away!

Let us assume, for the moment, that your presence contributed to his overcoming trials and tribulations (let’s not get into ‘enabling his addictive behavior). That you helped him heal.

1. He will always see you as being involved with the ‘illness’ he ‘overcame’ (for whatever healing he actually underwent). He will see you as an ‘agent of change’, a powerful person, in some ways, that intimidates him. And keeps his frailties present in his life, daily even when he isn’t with you at the moment. Think of falling for your gynecologist. His relationship with you, after his ‘healing’ is about that weird.

2. Change is a ‘little death’. His old life is cleared away. He is no longer the buddy, the hurt puppy that you were first enamored with. And he will almost certainly continue to see you the way he did at first, in your original relationship. He will have changed.

3. Since he has been ‘healed’ – his needs for a mate or girlfriend have changed. If he did heal, then his ‘new’ girlfriend might be the person he needs in his life. Only you are still hanging on. Like a hospital that refuses to release the patient, until he gets sick again and you can again be the crusading, saving Nurse Nightingale.

4. You are queering the chances for a positive relationship – between him and the girlfriend. Regardless of your wants and desires, we have to respect the choices people make in their lives. He chose to take up with another woman – you should have been responsible enough to tell him, “That is wonderful news. I am sure you and she will be happy. Call me again and I will cut out tiny little pieces to adorn the thistle growing in my back yard.” Where he might have built a healthy relationship, now things are probably swirling in the toilet for all three of you.

5. You managed to mess up two other people, one you feel proud for having helped to heal. If you really wished him well, you would not be hanging around once it became clear he wasn’t going to be building a family with you. You would have sent him home to recover and rebuild a life on his own.

Now, all this assumes that in fact he did change or heal. I think it likely that NML hit it right the first time, and the second, and .. etc. That this guy is deformed. And that you are in fact enabling his continued antisocial behavior.

You are running away from your responsibilities. You are causing harm to the ‘other woman’, you are enabling him to continue evading his responsibilities and the expectation he will ever grow into a man. And you are living an unhealthy emotional life. You keep indulging your obsession when you should be grieving for his loss. Check out Sandra Bullock’s ’28 Days’ movie; it is schlocky, but demonstrates the denials and pitfalls of refusing to move on.

Yes, it hurts to give up. And ‘quitting’ is tough – every time you backslide into the old behavior, you (surprise!) have to start quitting all over again.

The way that real change happens, is for you to make a choice. Choosing to let him go (um, as in “throw the bum out”) is really the only way you will put this behind you, and begin to live a healthy life – one where, in time to come, you might find a healthy man to build a family with. Think of it this way. Suppose there is a man that is meant for you. That you will meet two years after your relationship with Mr. Fixit ends. How much longer do you want to keep putting off that happy day to come?

Your site helps me see it clearly, and I feel such shame for my blindness.

I always asked ‘What does he think of me ?’ and never asked ‘What do I think of him ?”

Please let me be strong enough next time to realize that HOW ia am treated means everything, rather than deciding ‘I want HIM’ and ignoring all the red flags that go along with an unavailable man.

Let me NEVER decide to be the fallback woman again. NEVER, not out of habit or fear or insecurity.