It’s fancinating to realise that someone like myself, who would have claimed perfectly robust self appreciation – might well indeed be harbouring low self-esteem and creating patterns that verify hidden beliefs about myself/relationships.

Well, today begins the work to change: I intend to read every page written so far. Many Thanks.

This is exactly, exactly what happened to me! The EUM I was involved with kept managing down our relationship bit by bit and I stayed – perhaps hoping, like you said, that it would pick up again.

Each time I was at his house, I felt smaller and smaller – less and less important. When I told him that one of our weekends together felt awkward and empty – he said, “oh, I didnt notice.”

After that I became hyper-aware of the dissolve. Now there is nothing left at all. I’d be willing to bet that he “blames” me for the end of “us”. He doesnt understand why we cant be “close” – in other words, why I cant be there for him when he needs something/someone.

Well, I’ve been way too long on perpetual stand-by. I’ve never known someone so self-absorbed and self-serving. He is blind to the world around him and I’m not waiting for a Miracle eye-opener.

This topic is especially wise and thank again for writing it. I do see myself in it, all over the place. I have spent the last six months working on myself, and grieving a relationship that I thought I wanted – but the man was unable to give. He ‘disappeared’ pretty much, except for one small but loving email saying he was was ‘working’ on things in his life but he cared about me and the relationship.

I have many years of recovery in al-anon and don’t drink myself, but also attend aa meetings. Those two programs have taught me incredible amounts about myself, my family history and my interactions with others. Therapy has also been a Godsend. But for me, intimacy – with myself and with others – has been the last and most hardest thing to work out. The gift of this last relationship was that I have spent the time crying, healing old grief and making big, big changes in myself and how I interact with others.

I do still care about and for this person but we have not talked in many months. He has things to work out for himself and – maybe for him, the relationship we had was something that has sent him working on himself. He is a good person, but he is not able to be in a relationship with me. Maybe, not wth anyone right now – I don’t know.

Thank you, thank!! for these wonderful, thoughtful posts. I have been reading other books on fear of intimacy including an excellent one called “Fear of Intimacy,” by Robert Firestone. These are excellent books! In the end it comes down to me and what am I doing with what I have. I need to keep focusing on myself and what I am responsible for and what I am not, and am I making the most of my life as it is? What do I need to change in myself?

Thank you thank to the founder of this blog!!

Arlene’s last blog post..How to Deal:making a long-distance relationship work

searchingwithin’s last blog post..What’s Emotional Maturity, Needs and Denial Got To Do With It?

I need to stop (mentally) catering to my self-fulfilling prophecies like I used to. It’s hard though. I’m trying so hard not to fall into self-fulfilling prophecies that I’m being hypervigilant when it may not be necessary. I guess it’s that fear that I’m gonna catch him doing something anyway, the worry that no man is capable of being monogamous, especially with me.

It’s way past my bedtime, maybe I’m thinking too much and my hormones are a bit out of whack right now if you know what I mean. I don’t know.

Thanks for the eye opener NML. Still have a long way to go. But I’ve definitely come a long way.

It is hard work to love another, whether it is a lover, a friend or a family member. Without a conscious attempt to give it all you got, and that means both feet ( and more !) in, the relationship can only be a shallow unsatisfying one.

When you are involved one who is not either conscious or in control, you may get the feet in, then out, then one back in, etc etc….big time drama. I found this led me to develop a rich fantasy of what could be if those feet were in.

Problem was the fantasy kept me from the reality that the man was not really able to control those feet, they were directed by some emotional issues he knows he has, but, for whatever reason, cannot or will not come to terms with.

Love is work, hard work, and it never stops being that. But, even though it has the potential to cause as much joy as pain, it is good work to know how to do.

Being with a flaky AC has made me know more clearly what is required for satisfying relationships, It was such a hard lesson though !

Thanks for another relevant and sensible post.