Hot Alpha Female writes…
Some say its love. Some say because it’s meant to be. But you want to know the real reason why you’re running back into the arms of your ex?
Because you’re weak. Because you’re needy. Because you have not yet remembered the enjoyment of your own company.
I know it’s harsh but the only reason why I know this place so well, is because I have been there. But I’ve learned my lessons and that’s why I refuse to go back to that place ever again and that’s why I want to give you girls the strength to do it too!
Break-ups SUCK! There is no doubt about it. I’m not here to preach that they are a wonderful and necessary experience of life – well not in this paragraph anyway… But hey I’ve been there and its hurts.
It hurts to lose something that you once had.
It hurts to know that you were once ‘we’ and now it’s just ‘you and me’.
It hurts thinking about things that you guys use to do together.
It hurts to know that someone else will make them happy.
It hurts to know that you will be replaced.
That’s why you need to be the strongest you will ever have to be when you break up. That’s why you have to learn to love yourself again. That’s why you have to learn to appreciate and spend time giving to yourself more than giving to someone else.
Let’s look at the facts. Humans get easily addicted to things. It’s just the way it is, and this is especially evident when it comes to people. Let me ask you guys a question: How many times have you been in a relationship where you felt you had to see the person all the time in order to feel happy?
Come-on now guys. Don’t be shy. You know what I’m referring to. It’s that state where you feel like nothing has meaning unless you are with your guy. You make it HIS job to make you feel happy and to give you meaning. You can’t stand not being with him. The thought of not having him there just kind of makes you itchy. Lol! You feel like every little interesting thing that happens to you .. you have to text or call him to tell him about it.
Soon you find yourself becoming a female version of your partner. You dress the same, you act the same and you think the same. You start to cancel all of your other social plans, just so that you can spend more time with him. He is the number one priority on your list and everything else comes second to that. While that’s very romantic *cough* – this does not lead to a happy relationship. In fact it’s probably one of the many reasons why he broke up with you in the first place.
No-one wants to date a doormat. And no one wants to date a replica of themselves. Let me pose this question to you: Do you think that this guy started dating you for a reason? Do you think that he started dating you because he liked YOUR personality?
I think sometimes we get so caught up in relationships we really do forget who we are. We become so addicted to the person that they are our drug and we NEED to be around them to feel happy.
Well girls, I’m sorry, but that is not what a relationship is about. Relationships aren’t about needing. They ARE about giving and reviewing.
A lot of you are dealing with break-ups, emotionally retarded man-boys and so on. But here’s the thing: Its time to get off the drugs. And if you want to be addicted to anything, then its time to start getting addicted to creating meaning in your own life. It’s time to get addicted to giving to yourself first and foremost. It’s time to get addicted to establishing healthy relationships patterns.
It’s time to find the strength inside yourself, that you have always had and never realized.
It’s time to stop settling for less than you deserve.
It’s time to raise your own expectations of yourself and out of life.
It’s time that you really begin to see what you can really do and who you can really be …
With that I want to leave you guys a little video which touched my heart and inspired me beyond measure.
Hot Alpha Female is a new weekly contributor to Baggage Reclaim. She’s a vibrant twenty-something that loves talking about dating and relationships, as well as skiing and laughing uncontrollably.
How true. I have to admit that I have “been there, done that”. But now I see the folly of my ways. What you end up with when the relationship fails is a deep void where your own personality used to reside. You forget who you are, what you used to do…and it makes the breakup that much more painful. Many of my friends still practice this type of “all or nothing” relationship, only to end up feeling unfulfilled and resentful. We need to be happy with our own selves before expecting to be happy with someone else.
Alphs female,you hit the spot all you said its true ,boy it is true ,,, all the words you said all pass my mind ,,,,i went so weak from loveing MM,,and its hurts ,,but i have learnend a lot ,i knew all ,but only time ,,,only you have to see thats it all wrong ,,,i know better now ,,when i let it go ,i feel better in side my self ,,,i read what you said ,i feel more stronger ,you 100rightttttttt,thx keep this side going will help a lot of women ,,,i look foward to read ,what woman say ,which ,i all ready knew ,but when you read on here ,feel more better ,couse i say i am not alone,,stant up to these MM man ladys ,and dont let them paly with our minds ,,be strong ,,,wish all woman lusk,let them go ,,they not worth it ..thx ALPHA FEMALE ,,
Hey guys,
I really belive that as part of being human we can;t just have one life totally maxed out and the other parts lacking.
If you look at your life like a wheel and say relationships, health, wealth make up 3 parts to it ( i know there is more!) … then u have to ask youself how well would your wheel run if the realtionships part was really big and the other two parts were really small … It would make the ride very bumpy thats for sure!!
Like i’ve said before … ive been there … I’ve been with my guy and for a while was content that HE was all that mattered.
But after a while the more time i was spending with him then the more unfulfilled i felt. So i wasnt having a good time with him .. and i would be unhappy if i was not with him …
You know why? Coz i had nothing in my life besides him to make me happy. I had neglected all my friends, my career to some extent and given up a lot of things that I LOVE doing.
That is not a relationship. That is not what they are about.
Lesson learned? Be that which you wish to attract. If you want a genuine, ambitious, kind, giving guy .. then focus on YOURSELF to become someone more like this too.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Fabulous post, except for these words:
“Because you’re weak. Because you’re needy.”
The last thing someone who’s already suffering needs to hear is someone else telling them they’re crap. Because that’s what people in those places will hear.
You’re right, they’re still stuck because they’re looking for fulfilment on the outside, but why not say, “Because you’re looking for someone else to take responsibility for your life” rather than “You are weak”?
If an abused woman read that, she’d just go deeper into the cycle. What she needs to hear is that she’s strong.
Iz xx
@Izzy: I agree with HAF’s bluntness ; I’m a realist and I think it’s always better to call it like it is. Are you weak? Immature? Ignorant? Needy? Blowing sunshine up our shorts won’t do any good. Most people won’t respond or make true changes unless they’ve been slapped (proverbially).
The way to do it is call it bluntly, but do it with love. Say, “Your my friend and I love you, but you’re being immature. You need to work on that.”
HAF: You had a couple of lines in there that really struck me. It took me until 1-2 years ago to realize that I’m replaceable in a relationship sense. I break up with my girl? She’ll find someone just as good or (gasp) BETTER. That was a tough thing to come to terms with, but once I did, I realized this: love, intimacy, great sex, companionship are all replaceable. And that’s totally okay. In fact, that’s a great thing. If it weren’t, my inner life would have been hopelessly lost after my first love…in high school!
From there, there are only two places to go: 1) emotional death, or 2) self actualization. If you chose route #2, you work on YOU and make yourself into a special, fully realized person. Make yourself happy and don’t worry about other people making you happy. It’s a huge personal leap, but once it’s done, life totally opens up.
I have to say it again. Love is replaceable. You are replaceable. And that’s totally cool.
Izzy: Like Lance said, i dont say these things to kick a horse while its down or anything like that.
I do say these things, because i do care about you guys and im sick of seeing you have to go through all the emotional abuse and crap that you put on yourselves.
If i told you that everything was ok .. and that you needed to be strong. Wouldn’t i be like all the other girls that tell you that everything is going to be alright?
Most of the time, that just leaves you wallowing in your own pity and makes you feel like it is OK to feel crap.
Well it is ok to feel crap … but after all that is done, it time to pick up the pieces and get on with life.
Life isnt about NOT falling over. Its about falling over more times than you can count and getting up every single time.
Thats what makes you stronger and thats what will form your character and who you are today =)
Lance: You know i think one of the things that you are talking about here is acceptance.
When you accept these truth’s you just be like … ok thats fine. You stop sturuggling and you stop feeling unhappy and your just ok that things are the way they are.
Man i would love to rave on about that .. but now im off to work. lol.
HAF
I’m not talking blowing sunshine up anyone’s shorts, Lance, though I can see why you thought that’s what I meant. If a situation is crap, it’s crap, and you really need to face it. I moved out of my parents’ house with two trashbags to my name when they talked arranged marriage. I cut them off when it became clear that they weren’t going to change.
So yeah, I know a little bit about cloudy days and facing up to situations. If I could chuck Pollyanna down a crevasse on Mt Everest, I’d do it. Stupid optimism is dangerous. It gets people killed – physically and emotionally.
But I wouldn’t dream of sitting with a friend in angst and saying, “You’re weak.” That doesn’t actually get someone out of self-pity, it pushes them deeper into it. I’d say, “Stop. Now. Listen to yourself. If *I* were telling you this, what would you TELL ME? How would you call it like it is?”
At the “But, but, but I LOOOOOOOVVVVVE HIM!” I’d ask, to quote Janet Jackson, “What has he done for you lately?” “What do you mean by that?”
Saying, “You’re weak” just gets the “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t really deserve any better” crap that keeps them locked in it. “Come on, girl, remember when you got through X? Y? You’ve had tougher than this free with your breakfast cereal and kicked some serious a**. You *are* strong, now stop *acting* like a tigress on its back, bring out those claws and pounce.”
THAT was what I meant by telling her she’s strong.
Iz xx
thanks to all or u for this lovely site…2day, instead of writing to him or asking him to come back, I logged on to this site forcefully and distracted myself…im glad there r people like you who do understand other’s feelings and also helping the one’s like us….i am waiting for the day when i’ll b over him and can move on normally with my life….
Hi everyone. OMG this site is the absolute BEST!!! Please I need all the advice I can get! It’s been about 3 weeks since Ive had NC w my EUM. We were together for 1.5yrs. Crazy thing is we met @ work but I had a boyfriend who is from the UK. While he tried to get w me KNOWING I had a man I did everything to avoid him and treat him as a colleague. Unfortunately 1 yr later my boyfriend moved back to London 🙁 and I fell victim to my EUM’s charm. At first he was attentive and charming. And the crazy part was I was sooooooo not attracted to him in the beginning-eeeeeewwww-not my type @ all. But boy does this man have swagger!!! Before I knew it we were having drinks after work, dinner date here and there,eventually it became sexual. I was worried bc I suspected he was a playa but I still stayed w him. I also dated other men. (not bc i wanted to but bc he was always absent) Anyway it got to the point where we would get into heated arguments bc of the other guys i dated and i would get upset w him for constantly lying to me about having a girlfriend. ( i always suspected he was still seeing an ex bc he was so secretive about their r’ship). One nite I hacked into his Blackberry and saw messeges btwn him and another woman telling her he loves her and she saying the same. It sounded like they had history bc the other woman made references to seeing his parents- so I knew this other woman was something more than a fling. Of course he said she was just a friend and I accepted it. (STUPID ME) Also he would always show up @ my apartment after 10 or 11pm, and leave @ 5am to go home and go to work. He had a pattern, 2-3nites a week he would come over but I would hardly ever get to be with him on Fri, Sat, Sun. And yes since we work together we would go to lunch or take Starbucks runs together, constantly Im’ng, txtng, etc…it then got to the point where i wanted more so i started seeing my UK ex again. I live in NYC and my ex would come and visit and stay @ my place-thats when my EUM would flip the f*ck out! But what I dont understand is if he didnt want to give me what I want, why continue to pursue me????? Why didnt he let me go when i left him???? I continued to date my ex, and other guys but my EUM was the ONLY guy I was sleeping with. He played so many head games with me, telling me he loved me, introducing me as his ‘wifey’ to his boys, saying he wantes to get me pregnant-wild things!!! Crazy part was HE was the one practically begging me to give US a label-he wanted me to refer to him as my boyfriend and I was the one who refused to do the label thing bc tho he was saying the right things, his actions were different. Where was he when I was txtng him, calling him on fri, sat, sun??? Cmon I wasnt stupid, Ive had my share of experience ya know?? I wont lie I love him, and we broke up many times in the 16months-but we always came back to each other. Its now been 3weeks since I saw him…Its hard bc we didnt really have a break up…Last I saw him I took him out to dinner for his Bday…he later emailed me in the day thanking me for lunch and telling me he loved me.
I then asked him if he was coming over later on in the evening he said yes he will see me @ 11pm that nite-his usual.. He never showed up that nite, I txt him like a mad woman asking where he was, but he never answered…the next morning, I txt him again ,asking his where abouts and telling him how much he hurt me (pathetic i know) 3 weeks later I still have not gotten an answer from him. This is the longest we ever have gone w NC. I REFUSE to contact him. The next day I saw him walking away from my cubicle as i was coming out of the kitchen…he turned around and we made eye contact, i then walked in the opposite direction.. I KNEW he was coming by to give me a pathetic sob excuse like he always does…i couldnt take it anymore. That saturday I got a missed call from him w a voicemail @ 2am. I heard the VM and it sounded like he was in a club-loud music but yet he didnt speak on the mssg. I was left wondering- did he do that on purpose so that I can know he was in a club and moved on?? Did he dial my # by accident???? Why call me and not say anything???? Or did he do it just so that he can put himself back on my radar?? This was all 3weeks ago. I dont know if I will ever hear from him again. Tho we work in the same company, we work on different floors and our company has 300+ employees. I know we will run into each other and that worries me. I went on a job interview today-I hope i get it. Its been extremely hard not contacting him but the way I look @ it this is a short term pain, compared to the heartache and longterm pain I faced with him. Thank you all I appreciate it. I need the strength. I am getting better little by little….this man was my heroin and now Im in detox-thats how it feels…Any advice, words of encouragement, answers to my questions???
3weeks n surviving,
GiaNYC
Thank you NML and everyone. This website has given me a ton of insight and a lot of strength. I finally ended it with my EUM for good 2 months ago. We had been together (I thought exclusively) for a year. The second year I had been in a boomerang relationship with him up until 2 months ago. We had shared some great times together and when we were together it was terrific. We went on several vacations together and got along superbly. I fell in love with him, but he didn’t return the feelings. We only saw each once or twice a week on a regular basis for the first year. He put up a wall and wouldn’t let the relationship progress. I kept in there because I thought he had potential and he told me he wanted to take things slow. Please!!! Well, he emailed last week and it was a lame email just wanting to see how I am. I didn’t respond, but I’ve been obsessed with him for the past week. I guess there’s a part of me still wishing that he will show up on my doorstep declaring his love for me. He was a typical EUM…never told me he loved me, never met my family. I also found him on dating websites. He always had some excuse and I wanted to believe him. It was all about him, what he wanted to do, when he wanted to see me. I could even count on him calling everyday. I turned myself inside out trying to make it work…and I started therapy because of how I realized my self esteem was so low to put up with a guy who wouldn’t give me what I want and needed. I ended up going back with him about 4 or 5 more times, ending it quicker and quicker each time when I realized he still wouldn’t give me what I needed and it was all about stroking his ego and what he could get from me. He would mostly communicate by email. It was a big deal if he called even though he knew that was what I wanted. It is so pathetic as I am writing this, that I would put up with so little. He knew how I hated email communication as the main way of him contacting me. He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how great I was, yada, yada, but would let me break up with him and lose me. Then he would just about have to sneeze and I would go running back. Well this time I didn’t respond to him and I’m having a very hard time…there’s a part of me that wants to so badly respond and be with him…even though I know logically that he is poisin for me. I know I have to focus on me, but instead I’m thinking about him, what he’s doing and what his next move will be. It has been a struggle ever since I met him. I gave away my power to him and he still holds some of it. I know I have to celebrate my victory too…for not talking or corresponding for 2 months and not answering his last email. ANY ADVICE FOR GETTING HIM OUT OF MY HEAD???????
Hi everyone. I just read this article and readers’ comments and said to myself: HOW TRUE! I got addicted to someone whom I felt was into me but as Carrie Bradshaw in “Sex and the City” would say, ‘all that “he is into me” thingie was in my head. I bent over backwards to show him that I was THE ONE. But the more I bent over, the fmore distant he became – not honoring appointments, and saying there is no problem whenever I asked about his remoteness. I refused to read any sign about his lack of interest in me and the fact that he was a playa. Finally (or luckily) I had to leave the city, and on the day I left he took a weekend trip, not even saying bye.
I left determined to put that experience behind me. I followed advice in “It’s called a break up because it is broken” and did NC for 60 days. I never thought it would work, and kept counting the days until I stopped thinking about him as much as I used to. I believe that anyone can be done without, IF we realise that WE DESERVE BETTER.
This is a wonderful site. It has helped me over the last month, when I finally decided I had enough of an up an down, want me one week, cheat, go away, back again for five whole years. I could never figureout why this man spent literally thousands of dollars on me, fixed things inside my house, outside my house and constantely bought me gifts.(I think we are even on that ) he kept chasing me after each breakup. I never went after him..It happened again and I just cant handle it anymore..This time I cut all contact, inc. mail, phone, and when he came to my door I wouldnt answer it. I will keep trying to get over him as I now realize he will never change, so I have to.
Wow, I Am glad I found this site, He left me 2 months ago and I can not stop the contact. I am trying. i will keep reading and see if you can help me….We were together 4 years, the last 1 year he was seeing others behind my back. Now I have become the one he is seeing behind others back..the reverse…OMG. I need help. I can’t even go to sleep at night sometimes. I think of him when I get up, when I go to bed and during the day. I need therapy maybe. I need some self worth.