Comments on: Return On Investment in Relationships

By: Florence Nightingale: Women That Fix/Heal/Help and Empathy vs Sympathy | Baggage Reclaim

Wed, 05 May 2010 18:23:43 +0000

[...] problem is their problems as opposed to other reasons that may also exist. You may also look for return on investment and then not recognise when to [...]

By: Is He Going To Leave Her For Me? Part One | Baggage Reclaim

Is He Going To Leave Her For Me? Part One | Baggage Reclaim — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:51:34 +0000

[...] matter how mad they are, they feel like they’ve come so far down the road, they want to get a ‘return on their emotional investment’ – the struggle in this scenario is reconciling the reality of the fact that he’s [...]

By: Lovenomics: Managing Your Desire to Be the Exception in Relationships – Part One | Baggage Reclaim

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:00:22 +0000

[...] tears, the terms and conditions of relationships, knowing when to fold in bad relationships, return on emotional investment and much more; these act as a baseline for understanding what is highly likely to result in [...]

By: Compatability, Your ‘Type’, and ‘Common’ Interests - Part Three | Baggage Reclaim

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 13:14:53 +0000

[...] silk purse by trying to get them to change and value you and your values is unlikely to yield you a return on your emotional investment, and may actually leave you emotionally [...]

By: Overthinking What Men Say & Do - Applying meaning where there is no meaning | Baggage Reclaim

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 15:53:25 +0000

[...] and to ensure that you don’t keep flogging at that donkey till it collapses whilst your emotional investment goes into negative equity. These are the things that teach you the real meaning of what is happening in your relationship and [...]

By: Relationships need two committed parties to grow…and prosper | Baggage Reclaim

Thu, 21 May 2009 16:26:24 +0000

[...] than investing in poor relationships that end up creating negative emotional equity, in dealing with your own issues and being [...]

By: Lisa Uk

Lisa Uk — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:17:32 +0000

We all know when a guy is not bothered? When he says he will call and does”nt and we act like we dont care? but really deep down somewhere we do?
If someone says were pretty, beautfull, loving, we accept it for 2 mins and the usually forget, but if someone says were fat and ugly then we cry for hours, weeks, months.
This perception is the same way we perceive men, when they are nice, honest, loyal we are bored, no drama? It is all to easy, so why do we hold on to the arse holes we know we carnt have? wanting and wishing for them to love us? is it again early childhood? or are we just ambitious and want to suceed in hitting the target in that we will get them?
I hate all the crap that comes with fancying Mr unavailable, and I meet one every 3 months and I get hurt and I want it all to change but my tactics never work and it causes a hole in my head!!!!!

By: Drama Seekers: It’s time to get off the relationship crack

Drama Seekers: It’s time to get off the relationship crack — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 11:03:43 +0000

[...] If you think of your current relationship, or most recent, think of all of the drama and negativity and deduct this from your relationship and ask yourself what you are left with. If there is very little positivity, ask yourself: Why am I here? What has he done for me lately? Are you in negative equity? [...]

By: The Justifying Zone: when a woman needs to justify her emotional or sexual investment

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:28:41 +0000

[...] If you feel the need to start rationalising and justifying his behaviour, you need to step back and examine your investment into the relationship because after a while, a justification for staying with the wrong type of guy eventually becomes you believing that you’re madly in love with him and you measuring your self-worth based on how successful (or unsuccessful) you are at getting a return on your investment. [...]

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 17:39:21 +0000

Thanks so much. I’ve turned to this blog in so many times of need! Just (finally) got out of a relationship with a completely emotionally unavailable man. Started out a confident, smart 26 year old just dating him for fun, and 4-years later I was an insecure, unhappy mess who was constantly being told how ‘needy’ i was. The saddest part is that now i’m with an AMAZING man who makes me feel wonderful, but still find myself drawn to the assclown, who, by the way, now says he’s been in counselling and changed. I turn to this blog whenever I need a wake-up call!

By: nysharon

nysharon — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:39:40 +0000

On a personal note NML, those 3 “E’s” are exactly why I ended my marriage of 15 years. Unfortunatly for a very long time he had me convinced I was too needy and difficult until a marriage counselor told us both that what I wanted was not so unusual and is what most relationships are made of. He thought that he could ignore my needs/thoughts/wishes and buy me a fancy present on a holiday and I should be happy. After I was amazed at how many people, especially men, relayed to me that they though I was brave for leaving. I wish I had your blog when I got married when I could have set up my expectations from the beginning, but no one had computers then.

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 21:37:31 +0000

Hmmmm…well. I don’t think YOU were cold! I think it boils down to this…when it comes to matters of the heart (especially painful messages that we as women HATE to hear as we were taught to nurture and ‘put up’ with bs in our relationships) anything other than sweet, lovey dovey language can come off harsh.
kind of odd, yes, as we will ‘invest’ in our careers, kids, houses, wardrobe, cars, relationships with friends/colleagues/bosses/etc etc etc…but use that term with a relationship? eek. we think ‘oh but I LOOOOOOOOOOVVVE him…’
we want to think that it is pure true unadulterated love and chemistry.

fact of the matter is, and as a divorced single mom I know of what I speak, if you aren’t willing to ‘invest’ a lot of yourself into the relationship and have/expect the same, it really isn’t worth a rat’s arse.

By: NML

NML — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:54:04 +0000

Kat I loved your last point because that’s your epiphany moment. The difficulty is when you keep having those “eureka” moments but nothing really changes. I am glad I got some feedback on you about the language. My intention is not to be clinical but I will preface this in the book. I absolutely refuse to lay our relationship problems at the door of men. I have based this whole blog around being accountable for our actions because as long as we are waiting around for someone else to change, it’ll be a damn long wait. We are the only thing that we can control about our relationships.
Cheekie – It’s interesting because one of the reasons why I posted my thoughts on ROI was to find out reactions to it. I would be keen to hear what would make this message warmer without devaluing the essence of the statement because this is one of those things where you can’t afford to beat around the bush.
Harlan – I am so stunned by your comment that I don’t know what to say for once! Be careful of being willing to invest in anything just for the sake of it because you need someone who won’t take your efforts for granted and end up making you feel worse.

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 15:59:23 +0000

Yes, I get it and I understand the good intentions behind it. If one is giving advice, however, it’s good to know how one’s language is being perceived. (and know that I am writing this with good intentions, too; I like your writings).

As for “Iâ€™m suggesting that if youâ€™re unhappy and you know that youâ€™re in an unhealthy relationship,..” many women, sadly, don’t recognize their reality. He beats her or verbally abuses her or cheats on her or is never around or lies to her or gambles their money away or is an addict or alcoholic, and when she’s asked, “Why do you stay?” â€” her answer? “But I love him!”

Hmm, what exactly are we loving?

Anyway, good luck on the book. I’ve seen a lot of books that give women bad advice and don’t ask them to be accountable for their own actions â€” they just dump it all on the men. As the mom of a boy, I hope we can change that!

One more thought:
” You will end up walking away with less than you started …” Yes, but if you walk away with self-awareness that leads you to say, “I’ll never do that again,” you’ve reached the “Eureka!” moment.

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 08:05:29 +0000

I think what NML’s post is basically saying is this.
Equality and balance.
One person does not make a relationship work. There are times when one might ‘be overdrawn’ from the ‘bank’ but always ‘deposits’ back into it. It ebbs and flows (much like my income)…
But there always has to be balance.
Otherwise, you will be miserable in the end and end up with a partner that takes you for granted.
This bank talk scares me a bit too, but I understand the analogy.
A bit cold, yes, but well intentioned!