Review: Unhooked Generation

March 24, 2006 by Annie Dennison

unhooked generation book cover It’s not hard to find single women in their 20s and 30s, bitching and moaning about the frustrations of pursuing men who won’t commit. But that’s not the whole story. When you get right down to it, these women often have mixed feelings about commitment.
And Unhooked Generation tells you why.
The book is based on Straus’ interviews with 100 single, Generation X men and women in their 20s and 30s, and her own experiences as a thirtysomething single, urban professional. Before conducting interviews for the book, Straus had already interviewed hundreds of people as a producer for 8 years on The Oprah Winfrey Show. In other words, the woman’s got some credentials.

She’s also got useful, and sometimes uncomfortable, insights into the sad reality that so many single people under the age of 40 can’t seem to find or keep love.

Pulling no punches, Straus acknowledges that single gen-Xers have taken self-orientation and casual sex to a whole new level. In their fast-paced world of dating and mating, unhooked gen-Xers enter and exit “friendships with benefits,” talk about dating partner “upgrades,” and avoid the word, “commitment,” whenever possible. And yet, in Straus’ interviews, she found that both men and women expressed similar longings for a deeper, lasting connection with someone.

Why do gen-Xers long for more in love, but make choices that get in the way of finding and sustaining a relationship?

Blame it in part on the collapse of courtship, a high divorce rate, consumerism, and technology. These modern forces have shaped the way that gen-Xers approach — but also avoid — love and commitment. That approach-avoidant dance is sparked by a mix of gen-Xers’ scepticism and unrealistic expectations about relationships.

According to Straus, the “dating checklist” mentality is part of the problem, too. In fact, she recommends that single people burn their checklists! Of course, if you insist on having a checklist, her suggestion is that you include meaningful qualities on it, not just shared hobbies.

Another thing Straus warns against is having an abrupt “defining the relationship” (DTR) talk. She believes that the DTR talk puts premature pressure on the early stages of a relationship and can scare off the person (usually the man…) who didn’t initiate the talk. While I see Straus’ point, it’s not clear what alternative she proposes. After all, there’s got to be some middle ground between an abrupt DTR and just silently keeping your fingers crossed that a man will stick around!

Although a good portion of Unhooked Generation describes how and why so many gen-Xers can’t seem to find or keep love, the book ends on a hopeful note. The author concludes with stories of gen-X relationships that have succeeded, and an outline of her solution for finding true love.

Does Dr. Annie recommend this book? Yes.

But I’m warning you: if you’re looking for a fluffy bedtime read, this is not the book for you! It’s well-researched and well-written, but it takes some digesting. And it might just be worth it. I know of two women who were so blown away by this book that they turned around and made major relationship decisions based on it!

Available from Amazon for £11.34 or $14.27.

Annie Dennison, Ph.D., is a dating adviser, psychologist, and writer. Her blog, www.smartatlove.com, provides a steady stream of practical love life advice to smart women. She lives in Southern California, and is happily married to an Englishman with nice sideburns.