A few years back, before I delved deeper into the subjects of being afraid of making ‘mistakes’ and perceiving recognition of a date/relationship not working out as a ‘failure’, I explained the danger of putting yourself in the Justifying Zone.
This is that slippery slope that many people find themselves on after becoming emotionally attached or being sexually intimate. I’ve heard from readers who went out with someone for anything from months to years who they recognised with as little as a day that there was code amber / red issues or that they weren’t interested or that there was a clear conflict of values. They all continued because they felt like they had to ‘prove’ that there was a good reason for being interested, involved, seeing potential or just plain ‘ole having sex with them.
It’s like, “I wouldn’t normally be so crazy about someone / sleep with them on the first night / let them Fast Forward me and so when I realised that something wasn’t right, I had to look for reasons to justify why I’d done these things in the first place.”
Anyone would think we all have Relationship Criminal Records and so we’re trying to avoid having another one-night stand, or someone we met online not respond after exchanging a few emails or texts, or trying to avoid having another date / fling / ‘failed’ relationship / unrequited crush / Future Faker being listed on it.
The Justifying Zone is like retracing your steps or trying to retrospectively do the discovery phase of dating. You’re out together and they say something that under any other circumstances wouldn’t be a big deal but now you’re mentally punching the air thinking, YES! I KNEW I wasn’t crazy to sleep with them. Later you see a code amber or red behaviour and think @!$% and your insides are gripped with panic. You’re probably mentally beating yourself up for ‘getting it wrong’ too.
All this looking for justifications malarkey ties in with this theme I’ve mentioned in a couple of posts recently about being ‘tight-fisted’ with time, energy and emotions so we’re dealing with people and sometimes being people who don’t want to continue dating without trying out the ‘sex merchandise’ as quickly as possible, or we expect some sort of ‘guarantees’ before we’ll be less skeptical, or we somehow expect to find ourselves in a mutually fulfilling relationship without arriving with and continuing with a basic level of trust and healthy beliefs.
If you’re going to stay in a relationship or continue dating someone, do so because the experiences in themselves positively justify continuing. i.e. just because you both had sex or you felt really interested in them at the start does’t justify continuing if you have since found out things or had experiences that alter your perspective and feelings.
When you put yourself in the Justifying Zone, there’s a tendency to act like you have ‘budget’ and that you have to justify every expense on there and provide receipts and goods to your accountant.
You don’t need to stay dating or continue in a relationship to justify your original interest or the fact that you slept with them or even the fact that you once believed them when they said that they were going to leave him / her.
People unfold. What you ‘know’ at the start is an impression. There’s no point thinking “How could I have got it so wrong?” because you hadn’t found out anywhere near enough to be ‘right’ in the first place. People unfold and that means that there’s nothing wrong with revising your perception of someone or a situation. Why be mad at you for being curious about someone as if you’re supposed to be psychic and only interested in people who are ‘right’?
It’s just interest. The fact that you are or were interested doesn’t mean that you must remain interested. It’s an expression of interest, not an automatic precursor to them being ‘right’ for you. Our feelings don’t always have the person and the relationship to back them up. It’s a pain and it hurts but not as much as it hurts to try to ‘make’ them.
It’s just a date.The whole idea of dating is discovery. You can afford to go on a few dates with a person to find out if you want to continue. Really.
It’s just sex. That’s not to belittle the ‘specialness’ of sex or it’s importance to you but the fact is that if you want sex to be that special, it’s best to hold off until you have done a hell of a lot more due diligence because sometimes you’ve got to call a spade a spade and admit that it’s just sex or even that it’s just great sex with someone who’s just not that special. It happens. Look, I’d love to tell you that on the end of every great lay is a great person and your happy ending, but a lot of people who are very good at sex but not so good at relationships are good at it because they have a lot of practice.
There’s no sex in the world that’s worth you losing your dignity by acting like a bailiff chasing them down for a relationship debt.
If you’re the type of person that struggles with the emotional repercussions of dating, becoming involved with someone or being sexually intimate, you have an even bigger duty of care to ensure that you go slower. Or, at least be prepared to cut your losses. It’s just outrageous to hear people creating Justifying Zone Relationships out of what amounts to weeks, days or even hours! They’re just not that special.
A person knows that if they’re able to show you a more dubious side of themselves within hours, days, or weeks and you’re still there, that you’re very receptive to boundary busting behaviour and illusions, and you may even be marked as ‘desperate’.
You don’t need to justify your interest or involvement with someone but what you do need is bloody good reasons to continue and they should be reasons in existence not ones you need to pluck out of the air or gain from retrospective dating.
Your thoughts?
An audio version of this post is available on Soundcloud.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Natashya,
Just think why it happened in the 1st day of your vacation after he was so eagerly after you? Do you really think it’s you or the ex or your vacation routine;)-? It is him who had to face the commitment even to 2 weeks of vacation. It’s great you dropped him, he doesn’t love anyone and no one can rely on him. Flush!
This post breaks my heart. I am sad today, and feeling self pity. Met a guy at speed dating. He called and we went out. I was not sure i was physically attracted to him, but he is really interesting so I thought I would give him a shot. I went away for the weekend, and he checked in with me. I got back, he called to ask me out, but was unable to take the call. I wanted him to know i got it, so I texted I would call that night. I did and said while I was not available the Friday, I could be the Sunday and was looking forward to it. It took him two days to get back to me, and now it was a text when we had been calling. Felt super icky. Yellow flag maybe?
We did go out, and had a great time. He did mention that he was bummed that his Halloween party was not a lot of singles – red flag maybe? We emailed back and forth the next day, and he said he was looking forward to taking me out after his exhibit was done. Then no contact at all until I texted him good wishes on getting his exhibit up. He responded immediately.
Then I went to the exhibit in a small cafe. I saw him at the door and then he never came over to say hello. I left after 50 minutes, vowing to not see him again. All I wanted was a hi! I ‘m busy. Thanks for coming. And there was another girl from speed dating there. Whole thing felt icky.
He sent me an apology text early the next morning, but it was still casual. He asked to hang out. We did that afternoon, it was really fun.
Now I have heard nothing and instead of saying we are not compatible, or he isn’t interested, next. I am mulling over all the things I could have done wrong. Was I too cold? Not appreciative enough? Accidentally rude to waitress?
Please help! I know we only dated briefly, but now I feel like there is something wrong with me.
The no contact between the emails and the exhibit was a Monday to Friday. I let it go because we had plans and he was clear he was busy.
Sad
This is a storm in a teacup.
Forget him.
Sadgirl,
sounds like he is busy juggling other speed daters.
Yeah, sounds like a repeat offender. I’ve been involved with the same kind of guy (even if I don’t do speed dating). They’re like addicts. Their behavior has zilch to do with you. And don’t expect the next girl to be any luckier than you were. She is simply his next mark. Today she’s probably yesterday’s news as well.
I don’t know if he is dating her or not, he did not really talk to her when I was there, but I saw her, and all I know is it felt super icky. It is really none of my business, but ultimately, I should have gone with my gut when he did not even come over to see how I was doing, or make sure I had a drink for 2 seconds…
I do want to work on being more soft, nuturing and warm, but that does not just happen after you are not that nice to me to begin with.
Perhaps, and most likely she has put out more than I have
. So far 3 very chaste lip kisses. Had hoped to up it to a makeout session, but I guess someone else will need to earn that. My gut told me we were not compatible when he waited to text me, and reverified when he did not say hello. I suppose I should be glad that it has not progressed. I suppose I am just disappointed. I did kind of like him, and had hoped he would step up some now that his exibition is done.
Sadgirl
Don’t make this about her or about you. he sounds flaky, impolite, and not seriously looking for a relationship. Ideally, he wouldn’t put himself out there but he has.
If you or she kissed him or made out with him more or less, he would still be who he is.
FBGs do this thing – we meet men that we may not even like very much but when they start up with the crapola, we are suddenly interested. What did we do? What did he do? What does it mean? As far as is humanly possible drive those thoughts out of your head. It was only a couple of dates. Yes, it’s okay to be (a bit) disappointed but you are correct, better to know now rather than later. you did the right thing walking away, no need to examine it further.
I had a two dates with someone years ago who I wasn’t that bothered about, though we had a reasonably good time. I still find myself thinking about him “dumping” me. I just tell myself “okaaaay grace, stop it now!”
Sushi,
Thank you and maybe because I was so trusting in the past with the ex that had horrible things going on in his life and I made all possible excuses for him- I decided to handle it differently thus time. I texted him that I love definite plans in advance, they make me feel a priority. He responded that I am a priority for him, asking what day works better for me. Yes, in thr past I would do exactly what you were suggesting, but today I thought – what would make me feel better, hanging in there or expressing myself and knowing wjat to expect, and decided the latter;)
Good for you! Have fun! Since he contacted you in the morning, it seems he is really interested in pursuing this.
Here’s the lyrics for ‘Underneath it All’ by No Doubt:
There’s times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There’s times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you’re
You’re something else
[Chorus]
You’re really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I’m really lucky
Underneath it all
You’re really lovely
You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you’ve been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I’ve ever had
And when it’s really bad
I guess it’s not that bad
[Chorus]
So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I’ve seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I’ve seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better better
[Lady Saw]
You are my real Prince Charmin’
Like the heat from the fire
You were always burnin’
And each time you’re around
My body keeps callin
For your touch
Your kisses and your sweet romancin’
There’s an underside to you
that this here woman that adore
Aside from your temper
Everything is secure
You’re good for me, baby
of that, I’m sure
Over and over again
I want more
[Gwen]
You’ve used up all your coupons
And all you’ve got left is me
And somehow I’m full of forgiveness
I guess it’s meant to be
[Chorus]
You’re really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I’m really lovely
Underneath it all
And you’re really lovely