A couple of days back in part one, I explained how we can end up seeking validation from the guy after the relationship has ended and spend an awful lot of time expending energy on getting him to understand your perspective, or where they have gone wrong.
Validation and the concept of the other party understanding you are intrinsically tied to each other and if you spend enough time doing this, they’re just two more codewords for analysing, obsessing, and two more actions that mask fear and denial.
You’re seeking validation from someone who by their very nature invalidates you through their actions and the type of the relationship you engage in with them. They’re very good at validating the negatives and that’s because in being with them, you’ve chosen someone that reflects these very things.
You’re seeking understanding from someone who either has no interest in understanding you, or understands you, but not in the way that you would like.
Say what?
Well part of the reason why this is a bit like chasing the holy grail is because your concept of him understanding you and his concept of him understanding you are two very different things.
You want him to understand you because of what you say but actually, the conflict of your actions ensures that he understands something different.
You want him to understand you on your terms thus validating you but if you couldn’t take the horse to water and make him drink all this time, he’s not about to start drinking now.
Seeking validation and understanding from these guys is about gaining control. It can feel ‘unfinished’ when we believe they didn’t get it and so we can end up becoming obsessed with ‘closure’ in the form of the retribution of him realising he was an assclown/wanting you/changing his ways.
You want to have the last word.
As I said in part one, you’re going to be in for a long wait if you’re expecting him to ‘get it’ in the way that you want him to and the worst thing is, the amount of satisfaction that you think you’re going to derive from this is far removed from the reality.
You want to be ‘right’.
Don’t we all…but we have to learn to back away from the ‘bad investment’ and take solace in our own knowledge.
How much crap do you want to put yourself through just so that you can ‘prove’ that you were ‘right’?
Women have long lambasted men for being obsessed with being right but actually, in this situation we are very much guilty of the same thing.
You want to teach him but who says that you’re that person to teach him?
Many women misguidedly believe that they need to raise a man from the ground up and teach him how to be a man and tell him what relationship he should be in. This is why many are obsessed with change (changing him that is…) and why we don’t know when to wash our hands of a ‘bad investment’ and minimise the trauma and the impact. We like to ride the beat up donkey of a relationship till it collapses because we are obsessed with getting the end result (read: happy ending) where they validate us which in turn means we are understood. You’re seeking a return on investment when you’re already in some serious negative equity.
The thing is, if you’re the type of woman that is habitually engaging in poor relationships and trying to extract commitment from men that don’t want to commit, you’re in no position to be ‘teaching’ him.
People don’t learn how to treat you because you talk the ears off them until they suddenly have a lightbulb moment and it’s no different for understanding ‘you’ and ‘getting it’. This is why we keep falling into the trap of suffering with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome as we look at talking and discussing, and explaining, and revisiting the same subjects again and again as the best way to get men to understand us.
He’ll learn through your actions and by those of who came before and after you.
The best thing that you can do is validate what you have learned about yourself, him, and the relationship by acting on it.
You don’t need him to say ‘you are right’, you don’t need him to apologise, and you don’t him to creep around you saying how full of regret he is.
The validation of what you know about yourself, him, and the relationship comes from you. All of this energy that is yet again being expended in his direction is a waste because very little, if anything, comes from it and you are literally throwing your life away and bringing it to a standstill whilst he’s off leading his merry life in exactly the way that he wants to.
But…when you, for example, end the relationship, and he still continues to show that he’s a complete dipstick by disregarding your wishes to have no contact with him, by talking cheap but following through with no action, by taking up with his next victim whilst still pestering you, by never leaving his wife and instead starting a new affair, or whatever it is, he does actually validate your decision to opt out.
And this is where you have to make a choice:
Do you want to keep seeking validation from men because you place no value on your own opinion, judgement, feelings, or essentially yourself as a whole and instead hope that by extracting understanding and validation, you will in turn get the relationship you want from him and suddenly feel at one with yourself?
Or…do you truly want to live a life where you validate yourself through acceptance and rejection of other people’s behaviour?
Sod the quest for understanding, with the latter option, you set your boundaries, you know your values, you treat yourself with respect and you make a judgement call and act upon it and respect your decision rather than second guessing it and living your life in limbo trying to obsess and analyse everything out to nth degree so that you don’t actually end up doing anything.
People think there is something complex about validation like doing it for ourselves is a mystical feat; it’s not. This is just something else that is tied to building your self-esteem and having boundaries because by learning to accept and reject behaviour, you send signals to your self-esteem that teach you that you are a person of action who has her own trust system that she can always rely on.
When people have boundaries and make decisions that they act upon, they see the fruits of that decision – they’re happier, they see that the person wasn’t worth their energy anyway, they don’t analyse it because their made their judgement in light of their boundaries, core values, only engaging in thing that had a positive impact on their sense of self, rather than depleting it.
At some point you have to let go, accept that things are what they are, see him for what he is, opt out of the crap, and be good to yourself. That, ladies, is true validation and understanding…of yourself.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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To Falling Down… to answer your question if guys can just shut down and walk away…. ABSOLUTELY. We will almost always tell you we would like to remain friends, because that keeps us from looking like the complete a-hole that was so rude to you throughout the relationship.
I would really try not to call him in the future…. he may not be the type of “friend” you need based on your post.
To NML and the ladies that have allowed me to post on this site for the past few weeks.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my posts. My initial posts were to basically help my sister, Chloe, get past a very unhealthy relationship. But I’ve also learned from reading several of your stories and NML’s various articles that some men really have no clue of the damage they can do to a woman’s psyche by playing games, drifting in and out of their lives, etc. Based on what I’ve read, I know that it has made me more aware of my “guy” behavior and I thank you very much for sharing your stories and opening my eyes a little wider in the relationship world.
Thanks again
Mike,
Thank you!!!!
I would like some understanding as to why a man would care if he were considered an a$$hole by his former girlfriend? If this man had repeatedly mistreated the woman in the relationship-he must have been aware of his poor behavior-why would he care now??? He certainly didn’t seem to have much of a conscious when they were together.
Mike
I hope your not leaving us!! You point of view and “big brother” type of approach has been very helpful to us as well
Betterwithouthim,
Thanks for your suggestions. =) Yes, I read the 3 posts from NML on Boundaries. That’s something that I really need to work on. With men, I tend to give up my boundaries because I don’t want them to think I’m uptight and then leave me, but I always feel guilty about having done so. On the other hand, I have no problem telling my friends, relatives, or other people what’s not acceptable behavior.
I do think NC is the best solution because every time I communicated with my ex, I got angry and then obsessed about what he said for several days. But that wasn’t anything new. After his “Prince Charming” persona disappeared, I ended up talking too much about the relationship. I clung to the “happily ever after” picture that he had originally painted. During various conversations, he once asked if I’d take on his last name if we were to get married, said that our future kids would look really cute, and wanted me to get a job at his company so that we could move from California to work at an office in Puerto Rico.
As I’m writing this, I’m thinking that I sound like an idiot for believing this crap! I was very skeptical and expressed my concern to him, but he kept reassuring me that he was “different from other guys” and “wore his heart on his sleeve.” Yeah, right. He didn’t have a heart in the first place! Everything he said was a lie. And even towards the end, he said that he wanted to search for local apartments so we could live together. In what normal relationship does a partner express interest in cohabiting only to change his mind a few days later and say that we weren’t a match? And there was my answer – we didn’t have a relationship. My best friend, a guy I’ve known for 25 years, said that my ex probably had no intention of living with me, but that he suggested it to keep me hooked on his “fishing line.” I think that my friend was right.
Gaynor
With guys it’s all about perception. They may have walked, talked and acted like an a$$ but heaven forbid people actually THINK they are. He may not care that an ex-girlfriend FEELS that that way about him, but trust me, he does care if others around him will start believing the stories they have heard.
Hello Everyone
and that hurts. He could sell snow to a snowman… and all I keep thinking is what a complete A** i have been for falling for such a trick (or at least thats how it feels). He’s the type of person that if you say– hey I’ll treat you to lunch– he would order the most expensive thing on the menu– just because he can and you offered. (Ugh!! Makes me sick!!) Needless to say I have no problems right now saying NO or being short or being indifferent with him or with being assertive. I’m also no longer seeking validation from him) I just feel like he got the best of me and I think Ive said this before– but I just feel ROBBED! Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like a complete A** and am just full of regret. Im assuming this is just part of the process of getting over it as well?? Am I still beating myself up over this?? (SIGH) 
Just need to vent
I think I have finally accepted for good that my xEUM is a complete Selfish A**clown and opportunist. For the longest time I kept blaming myself– wondering what it was that i was or wasnt doing that I could not get him to be more empathetic, more giving, more caring, more involved with my needs and what made me happy. I was still up until a little while ago giving him the benefit of the doubt. And slowly I became more emotionally detached from him which allowed me to clearly see him for the person that he really is. Now I just feel disgust whenever I see him (we work in the same company) and I have no respect for him. Im not sure if I should be sad or happy because the other thing I would need to accept is that I completely wasted my time and gave my love and my all to someone who was never really appreciating it. I think it scares me how blind i was …or how tinted my glasses were. I guess I just didnt want to see the real him or accept it eventhough a part of me already knew this. So needless to say Im not sure what to do with these feelings. I guess I am REGRETTING having been with him. Regretting having given so much…regretting ever thinking of him soo highly. I know I can only move on…..but like I said– it is so scarey to think that I could have been soo naive so blind and that he could be such a liar and opportunist. And I am talking about the types of lies where he tells you the sky isnt blue— really thinking all along that you are going to believe it (I guess I did)
It’s unfortunate that this concern for others opinions does not change their behavior.
Mike, thanks for hanging around and participating with us. You’ve been quite helpful. Yep we women are people too and really nobody male or female likes to be mistreated.
oh one more thing:
All this time that I spent thinking about the fact that maybe i just wasnt pretty enough– or understanding enough or supportive enough or giving enough… I know that has to do with my self esteem and how I was reacting to the situation– maybe thats what im most upset about is realizing that i didnt really have to blame myself that much– but that I instead took the blame for things TOO MUCH only to find out that he is just a JERK– I just didnt want to see it. Im not saying i don’t have a role to play in this or that I don’t want to take responsibility but I definetely tortured myself with thinking that it was all me! A little confused right now
True validation comes from within, not without and there really is no such thing as “unfinished business.”
All business is finished, it just didn’t finish the way you wanted it to.
The real secret ladies (as the author quite wisely said) comes in understanding that just because one person appears to understand you, their map of the world can be quite different so don’t sweat it because the only pewrson you need validation from is the person reading this…
Love,
Anabelle
Hi Karen-I beat myself up pretty bad as well thinking I wasn’t good enough for the AC. And now we (you and me) both know it has to do with ourselves and low self-esteem. The xEUM kept marginalising our expectations, which started pecking away at an already weak self-esteem. I thought I had a pretty good self-image but man after being with that AC I had no self-image. It was pretty bad, I tortured myself over and over again.
Again, this goes back to validation. Looking for someone (an AC) or something (a mirror) to validate us. It’s not their job, it’s not even someone else’s right to do that. You have a good heart, you’re smart, witty, beautiful. No one should be able to take that from you or from anyone one us here -that post or read.
Karen, you have come a long distance in a short time, you’re blessed in so many ways. Don’t beat yourself up anymore, start to forgive yourself so that you can love yourself. Remember the validation starts with you, if you can’t love yourself and be happy in your own skin how can you or anyone of us gf’s find a mate to share that with. Notice I said “share” not give he takes…type thing.
thanks for the honesty Mike, not easy to hear but appreciated. My AC didn’t even go the wanna be friends route. I am the one who bid farewell in a text, tacky, but I knew he would talk me out of it and no I’m not strong enough after my self worth has been destroyed by him. He texted back, said we would talk but never did. a moment of insanity today nearly blew the month of NC, won’t do that again. AC was my best friend, or so I thought, feel like a fool and betrayed. Reclaiming my self confidence slowly, if I can go more than a day with no tears it will be progress. He had stupid ugly shoes.
Mike –
I think you are absolutely right that men may be aware of what they are and how they treat other people but when other people realise it then they are ducking for covers.
Like I stated before, one AC that went off with my friend is adament in his way of thinking – that he just hasn’t met the ‘right’ woman yet and that the fact that he went off with my friend was perfectly acceptable … My other AC before him was adament in thinking that kissing another woman was OK because he never initiated the kiss … Thank the heavens and all the Angels that they are outta ma life!
Still it is a real shame not a lot of men go on this site so that they may get the understanding that you have Mike.
For future, personal, reference I would like to know if men really just think – if I can have the cake and eat it too, I will, regardless of the fact that I have a GF / fiance / wife etc. Why can’t they ever be happy with what they have?
Alison,
I would like to respond to the situations in your second paragraph. The reason they are making these excuses is so that they will never have to acknowledge responsibility to others or themselves, it makes it easier that way.
Alison
I personally think most men are usually happy with what they have but it takes a long time for us to reach that point. It’s called maturity.
We may want a successful career, or travel the world or just date many women before committing ourselves to serious relationship. There’s nothing wrong with any of those reasons, but when we aren’t upfront in the BEGINNING, that’s when we create these dramas. While I don’t think it’s proper for any man to cheat or string a woman along, sometimes the simple truth could be that we have expressed that we don’t want a serious relationship and the women may not have actually heard what we are saying.
Fallingdown and Michelle~ the girls that come after you will have to go down the same road you just got off of….it’s hard to see that as a good thing right now because it hurts….but your miles ahead of their next victims…hold tight
Karen~ this really is a happy moment for me because I was going to post earlier at how much you have changed from the time you started posting. Now I know you’ve changed because “regret†for what you lost is another step in the right direction…it’s not really regret, it’s mourning. I think what you’re experiencing is quite normal (at least it’s something I went through) and you will be so much better for it. It’s break-through time. ~hugs~
Mike,
To some extent, I do agree with what you said to Allison with regard to maturity, but some of these EUM (like mine) are older and still playing the same song. My EUM is 47, was married for 10 years, in an LTR for 3 years and is now with me. Whether he does it intentionally or subconciously, he is the king of managing down expectations and I am beginning to see that.
Gaynor- I guess its better to sweep issues under the carpet and never deal with them … For them anyway. One word: Karma.
Mike- I believe that is what I’m missing then, a mature man. I don’t need someone to profess to ‘love me’ then leave me. How about one who is willing to fight for me, instead of me doing ALL the fighting… I’m learning more and accepting fairy tale endings are not real. There is after all light at the end of this dark tunnel… I can see it already
Thanks
Judy- One of my EUMs is 28. Just a mansized assclown baby… So maybe some men will never mature, but it still doesn’t mean there aren’t any out there. Fingers crossed we’ll all find one… Hopefully not the same one, haha!
Karen!!
Wow! I had to leave last night and didn’t get around to reading any posts today…
Karen – I just got to you post about him going for lunch as your treat and he would order the most expensive thing on the menu. Mine was exactly the same. if we all went out to eat and the bill sat on the table, he would completely ignore it and wait until someone took it over. In fact, the first time we went out he had a friend with him (we were sailing so needed another on the boat) and we went for dinner and his friend paid. He was probably bribed by the priviledge of being on the boat. Ugh! I am sooooo with you on this.
Any narcisisism there, borderline?
Your AC is a user, my AC is a user. And guess what! They will ALWAYS be that way. Aren’t you glad you aren’t with him any more?
Anway – things are much better without them. Of course, I still miss him but as a friend said to me “You have a hole in your heart but its not shaped like the AC”.
Well, my EUM proved himself today. I have not been able to stop contacting him – its like I’m addicted. I told him I’d like to go to dinner on V Day. (He was at work and cannot talk on the phone when he’s at work). He didn’t answer. Later in the day, I texted him to see if he wanted to do something tonight. He answered that text saying he wanted to go home from work, take some meds and go to bed (he has a cold). I responded by asking if he gave any thought to my V Day text and then sent a second text saying I’d take a raincheck for tonight. He said K. Huh? K to which? So I asked him K to which so I can plan my week. He didn’t answer that. When he got off work, I called him and he didn’t answer the phone. I left a message saying call me or text and let me know about V Day so I could plan next weekend’s visitation with my XH. He didn’t even answer that. I guess that tells me everything. He is off work next weekend, so its not like he couldn’t say yes or no. Its either because he’s made plans with someone else, waiting to see if something better comes along, or doing the slow fade/disappearing act instead of ending the relationship out right. His lack of response tells me everything. Having a tough time tonight.
Judy- Very similar to my EUM. He would also lead me on without ever telling me yes or no. It is like he thrived on my pain… But like I said before, any guy who gets his rocks off by hurting girls is not worth the time. Who cares WHY he is doing it, the fact that he IS doing it tells you he’s a buttmonkey. You don’t need validation from him, dont text/call him again and he’ll end up contacting you, but strong and keep the NCR from this point on. Spend V Day with your friends and learn to love yourself.
Judy,
Your description about your EUM’s lack of response reminded me of my ex-EUM who also happens to be the same age. I remember how frustrating it was not to hear back from him whether I left a voicemail or sent a text message. When I look back, I think of how I was doing all of the work. That is, I was initiating contact and asking about when we’d talk or meet. It really shouldn’t have been so one-sided. I once told him that he didn’t respect my time when he didn’t respond, but I continued to let him carry on that way.
Judy
Im not one to give the best advice right now but I was reading through some of the posts and read yours and just felt I needed to reach out.
I guess those that are further along this process can sometimes see things a little clearer and I was were you were not too long ago. It does feel like an addiction- and to an extent it is. It is an addiction to our old ways of thinking and in thinking that the answer lies in these men and outside of ourselves. The fact that you are reaching out to him so much (reminds me soo much of me by the way) and sending texts and him not responding and you continuing to reach out for him is not a good sign. I know what it feels like to want to get that small little crumb..that “high” that feeling of relief because you want it (him) so bad and to not get an answer is such a blow to our ego. But have you stopped to realize that it is all but a crumb that you are fishing for? Shouldn’t a great person like yourself (which Im sure you are) deserve for a guy to atleast respond to a text about v day not to mention perhaps actually BE the one to initiate wanting to get together?? You are giving him too much of the upper hand and he is telling you by his INactions your answer. You shouldn’t have to do sooo much of the work (well in this case– you are doing ALL the work) to get a guy. Please take it as “THE ANSWER” and don’t try to contact him anymore… Im only saying this because I know what its like to be in your position and to them you are just coming across as desperate and putting yourself right in the palm of his hand and you are sooooo much better than that!!! I think you are also justifying it by saying that you just want to plan your weekend, you just want an answer that you’ll take a raincheck ANYTHING ANYTHING just to be with him (go back and read your post…i thought the next thing you weren’t going to say was how high should I jump?). This guy is not even respecting you enough to answer a simple text message! Nor taking into consideration any of your feelings or “plans” for that weekend. What if he is just waiting until the last minute (just in case nothing better comes along) and calls you the nite before to spend Vday together?? Would you be ok with that? Where are your standards? Does Judy not deserve better? I hope this isnt coming across harsh but I see so much of myself in you and so I want to just shake you and tell you what a big mistake you are making if you continue to contact him. If you are having a tought time tonight, please instead of picking up that phone to text or call him and obsessing — spend time on this site and go back and read NML’s post on boundries (you need to establish some RIGHT NOW…!) and also the post where NML talks about “If he doesn’t end the relationship Why can’t you end the relationship” –i think its under “breaking up”. And read more about what it means to be a “Fallback Girl” Give yourself strength by giving yourself knowledge and information to understand WHY you feel the pull and the addiction to this guy. Like I said– believe me…. IVE BEEN THERE! And it is a bit like de-tox where little by little you have to ween yourself off from him (or the feeling I should say) and yes it is hard and painful but the more you learn about what you are doing, why you are doing it, the more you realize you are wasting your time and the more you realize that you are coming from an empty place inside of you that NO MAN can fill………and that giving into that uncomfortable feeling just to get a “fix” and feel better just for that moment, is not helping you in the long run. No man is worth you putting yourself out there as much as you have!!! You deserve much much more than that!!!!
Lots of hugs to you! I know what you are feeling but trust me…stop contacting him!!!!
betterwithouthim, metsgirl and JuJu Thank you so much for your posts today and your support…!! Yes JuJu he is a USER and a “LOSER” (hahaha) Definetely traits of narcissism there…its soo pathetic and disgusting if you think about it… the way they just sit back and think the world revolves around them and we let them!!! OH well… not anymore!!! You should see how indifferent I am with him now at work…… he is a really good looking guy so all the girls at work go gaga over him and they bring him lunch coffee etc…. Im just soooo glad Im not one of them anymore…just wish I could have seen it sooner!! Now I don’t even look in his direction because I see right through his good looks to a sad, empty, selfish poor excuse for a guy And whenever he TRIES to come my way for an Ego stroke…. I say NOPE sorry…………Karen is no longer available, door closed, end of story!!! *YAY!
Please forgive the length of this post – I really need to vent. After I posted earlier, my EUM texted me and told me he didn’t want to do Valentines Day because its “never been a biggie” for him. I was furious. I called and when he didn’t answer, I left a message on his voicemail telling him that just because it wasn’t a biggie for him, doesn’t mean it wasn’t important to me. I was pretty angry and told him I feel unimportant to him.
When he didn’t call back, I called him again and left him a message telling him I was breaking it off. He called back and said he couldn’t understand what I said because it was garbled. I told him what I said and he said he really doesn’t see the relationship progressing because he doesn’t feel the emotional attachment he should be feeling by this point in time.
He let me vent on him for quite a while, so I did get my closure and, believe or not, he validated some of what I said, but stated “That’s just the way I am.” I asked him how he expects to feel an emotional attachment to someone he texts every few days and calls once a week and sees every week or two. I told him I felt I was just a convenience, someone he called when he wanted to have sex.
This one takes the cake – he told me he’s been feeling this way for a while. I asked him why he went on vacation with me last week, let me pay for everything that I did (I paid for all but one our dinners, for the condo, the baby sitter for my son 2 of the 3 nights, groceries and alcohol to have at the condo, and pictures of him skiing), invited his friends to stay in our 700 sq. ft condo, bonded with my son and led me to believe everything was good. His response???? He thought it would be worse if he didn’t go. HUH????
He also had the nerve to say he wanted to keep in touch. I told him NO WAY! I would not do that because I would continually be hoping/thinking he was coming around and that’s not fair to me. He said he understood because he’s been there. (Heck, yeah, like his ex gf who texted him while we were on vacation).
The thing that hurts me the most is that he bonded with my son and my son with him last week. Now, I have to explain to a 7 year old why EUM is not coming around. I am furious that he would do that knowing the relationship was at a dead end.
The thing is, I probably knew from the outset this was going no where. He and I have very different lifestyles. I have advanced degrees and am very successful professionally. He claims to have a college degree but what it really is that he graduated from army flight school. I am a professional who works usual office hours. He flies a medical helicopter, works 12 hour shifts – days one month, nights the next and works every other weekend. Even if things worked for us, I would hardly ever see him. Every other month, he’d be going to work before I got home from work and coming home as I was leaving for work. His days off would be during the week while I was at work. (He said his wife of 10 years divorced him because “they never saw each other.”) He has grandiose desires for a large house and a vacation house in Telluride. (The condo we stayed in is 700 sq feet and on the market for $325,000 and its at the low end of the housing spectrum up there). He makes $80,000 a year and lives in a 1500 sq ft house. I make over 3 times that and have a larger house that is extremely well furnished that he “feels uncomfortable in.”
In a way, I feel relieved because I have felt this brewing all week and had already started processing the grief. I am terribly sad, though. I dread the triggers that will come over the next few days, weeks, month.
Fortunately, I DON’T think he’ll be coming around for an ego stroke!!!
Hi Judy,
Just to quote your post:
When he didn’t call back, I called him again and left him a message telling him I was breaking it off. He called back and said he couldn’t understand what I said because it was garbled. I told him what I said and he said he really doesn’t see the relationship progressing because he doesn’t feel the emotional attachment he should be feeling by this point in time.
I think you have been obssessing on him and doing the over contacting thing a bit. But, beyond that, he said everything you need to hear in that text message. “he really doesn’t see the relationship progressing”. End of story, in a way, right?
You are right to be mad. Use that feeling to try to get beyond this man. I would think you need to be concerned with the welfare of your 7 year old who “bonded” with him and now has to deal with the fact that he will not be there anymore.
Be strong, I can tell you are. I think, personally, that the no contact rule, might be best for now, for you.
Hope you are doing well. ts.
Maybe I’m bad, but I immediately went and reactivated my profile on the online dating site he and I met on! I also reactivated my profile on another o.l.d. site and have had 2 winks and 2 e-mails. I don’t need him!
Thank you TS. My son is at his Dad’s for the weekend, so he is being well taken care of. Thankfully, that gives me time to get myself in check.
whow Judy,
Slow down. Reread the need for validation post here. Why are you going onto dating sites as a way to validate your disconnection from your current situation? You have a kid to think about. Obsess about him, he is the one that needs your attention and love right now.
Sorry, just my opinion. Take care of yourself and your son first.
Be strong. ts.
Judy,
I agree!!! Focus on your son!!!
I think you need to ask yourself why you need a man in your life so badly, it seems like you’re trying to jump from one to the other for some sort of ego boost, why not focus on your child .
Amen! Don’t gravitate from one AC to another, which is essentially what you’ll be doing, considering you’re not over one AC yet. Be on Dating Hiatus and don’t validate yourself by getting a wink or a prod from cyber-men! Read posts about being a ‘Happy Single’- all great posts under ‘Single and Loving’ it tag.
I’m sure you’re a great mum so put all attention on your son and yourself.
PS if that is the same site you met the 1st EUM I suggest you run away. All the best. Remember the NCR
I took down my profiles. I put them up in the hopes hed see them and maybe feel a little less good about himsekf. Didn’t sleep well. Want so very much to send the t-shirt I bought on vacation and the pics of EUM and me to the 27 year old, but know I’d look like a nut. I’ll just throw it all in the bin.
Had a dream last night where I knew he was seeing someone else and told him he knows where to find me if it doesn’t work out. His response was that he really doesn’t see that happening since she’s the nest thing that ever happened to him.
yes, yes, yes, YES!!!!!! An amazing post! So true! Thanks, NML!
Judy I feel your pain…and it will be there for awhile. Just know that there is no easy way to get out from under it. You’ll have to do the “hard work” on yourself or else you’ll end up with more a**clowns….and I think you’re on this site because you’re sick and tired of the BS. Your EUM is a jerk and I hope that’s validation enough. Be gentle to yourself…you deserve it
Need some perspective. I have maintained NC for a month and actually doing ok. The AC still has permission set so I can see his calendar and some shared files, I removed his long ago. I don’t want to look to see what he is doing, but sometimes can’t help it!! I get all bent out of shape and upset when I do look. My question, why would he allow me access to his world if he does not want me, and can I get him to remove my access and maintain NC. Mike, any advice?
Ladies, it is true that healing and dealing comes in waves. Yesterday was a bad day for me and I had to do some soul-searching before I came back to myself and reality.
This is work! It is harder to keep away then to fall back in line with the AC. It’s what we are used to and comfortable with – even though we know deep inside that it is not good for us. …
Fallingdown, he wants you to keep up with him, of course. It’s an ego thing. Stay away from any information about him – you know it just hurts like hell. I used to do the same thing. It was like punishing myself. Stop punishing yourself. Be good to yourself. I know I’m trying really hard – especially as the dreaded V-Day approaches … ((hugs))
Hey Mike,
My ex-EUM did string me along and if I had listened closer and trusted myself, I would have bailed a while back. He told me that he dated a woman who wanted to have baby with him and she would pay him the amount of money that he needed to take care of some business. He told her “no” and that he already had a 3 yr old from his divorce. Well he got divorced when his child was 3 yrs old, so in what time span did this convo take place? Weird that he told someone this right away (financial situation) so due to her offer. My question for you Mike. When I met him he told me about his friends, childhood and more recent like 6 years ago or so. He did not tell me nice things about them, but some rather unsavory things. Mind you I did not come from a background like the ones he described in his friends and how weird he would tell me some things that they would be embarrassed if I knew or anyone for that matter. I remember saying to him, “Well what part of you is like them, because you wouldn’t hang around them if you weren’t like them”. He answered that he was nothing like them. Thoughts?? Why would he focus on the bad in his friends rather than focus on what’s good about them?
When I think about all the crap that I took from him, my stomach becomes acid and reading what I typed makes me ashamed because it is from a horror film or something. I have been NC with this character for 6 months now and I don’t miss his sh*t.
FALLING DOWN and ANNIED,
I too keep putting him on my buddy list and taking him off repeatedly, just to see if he is on…then when he’s not I start obsessing about him being with someone else…I have to stop this behavior. I’m good at NC, but then I find myself doing this. I’ll be fine for a day or so and then I do it again…I wish he would get out of my head completely.
I went on a few dates…one guy didn’t ask me any questions about myself…and when he dropped me off, he didn’t wait to see if I got in the door…the other guy told me his entire history and laid out all of the baggage immediately on the first date…I have to trust my gut and think neither of them are good candidates for a relationship…what’d you guys think????? So, what happens to me is I start thinking about I felt with the ex EUM in the beginning and start to miss him…ugh….I wish that didn’t happen…maybe I’m not ready to date…but…how long does it take???????? It’s been 3 weeks of NC (he contacted me during holidays) and it was 3 months of NC before that…we’ve been on and off for the past 1 1/2 years…it’s totally over forever now…but if I could totally shut it off in my head I would be so happy!
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
Finally … I totally understand what you are saying b/c I do the exact same thing. I would love to shut off my brain and keep my ex out of my thoughts completely. For me it is impossible. Lately I’ve pushed thinking about him back so far that he is showing up in my dreams. Constant struggle.
Somehow, someway we have to DISconnect ourselves from what is going on with them and their lives. These guys are not ours. They never were ours. They aren’t home wondering what we are doing unless they are afraid we are having sex with some other dude … and that is almost like a property right in their minds.
I’ve been on one date (in the 25 days of NC with the AC) and it was not good. He was very nice, but I felt no spark. Been talking to another dude online and I see myself pushing him off as well. No, I’m not ready! I dont think you’re ready either.
Dont beat yourself up over it. I’ve had thoughts about my ex on and off all day today. And it’s okay. I loved this bizarre person and I feel good about that. All I did was love him. If he doesnt want it – oh well. It does not make my love inferior or wrong. These guys are the ones missing out on a good woman, imho.
Chin up!
Annied –
Thanks for your kind words…it helps to know that there are other good women out there who are going through the exact same thing. I agree…my ex EUM was never really mine and I’m sure he’s not really going to be “the next victim’s” guy either. He kept his profile online for a long time after we met and didn’t take it down until I said something…a few months later I find him on another dating site!!!! He never had the intention of settling down, yet wanted me on a string and available to him whenever he wanted. I had to break up with him, because he would have strung me along forever…two and a half years was long enough. Tonight I’m going to see the new movie “He’s just not into you.” Hopefully, I’ll have a few laughs….I guess two and a half years takes awhile to wash out of one’s system!
I know I am getting stronger and more sure of myself, if only the thoughts of him would lessen. I guess it will in time. I have to try to refrain from watching to see if he’s online…I’m good at refraining sometimes and at other times, it’s so hard.
I know what you are saying…I truly did love this guy…..but he couldn’t commit..and I should have listened to his words, his actions and my gut…but I wanted to believe that it would change. I guess it’s a grieving process.
Thanks……..HUGS!
My goodness. Seems like these jokers (including the ones I’ve dealt with) read from the same got-damn handbook. Their behaviors mirror each other almost perfectly.
Many of you are very strong to not have taken a bat to your former EUM’s car or house windows. :-/ (Goodness know I’ve had urges.)
Here’s a quote to keep in your memory:
“Self appreciation eliminates the need for external validation.”
Judy,I recognize your story from another site. I’ll post more later when i can. I’m glad you’re here. I think the advice offered here is much more useful.
This article is great ..
Every time I go to dwell on exEUM I remind myself I cut him off and the reasons why I did so and then proceed to cut him from my thoughts .. It is getting easier because I know from this web site and all the stories and articles NML writes and most importantly because of how I am I did the right thing … I do not need his validation to live my life yipeeeeee
I was reading a book on EUM’s called “Men That Can’t Love” and it said there are three ways they like to end relationships.
First, they do something so disgusting or outrageous that is pushes you over the edge.
Second, they spend less and less time with you until the relationship has nothing left.
Third, they disappear without a trace, one guy actually left when his gf was taking a shower. How f’d up is that?
On the first one, doing something disgusting, it states they usually hook up with another woman and get this ladies, since they dont’t have time to form a new relationship they find someone from their past. WOW. This happened to me…a former gf. How many of you has this happened to?? I almost fell over. These men are an open book. How totally cruel, especially when we all think back to how much of ourselves we gave to them. Unreal.
Actually I made a mistake on the title..it’s “Men Who Can’t Love”
Myalmostover-who is the author of the book?
What if you were brought up in a family who in a sense devalues your decisions because every time you make one, they basically tell you why you shouldn’t have made that decision and make excuses for the other person? I’ve tried to ignore them, but they still give opinions, and I don’t want to keep them out of my life, because they’re my family. Also, since I’m cutting the assclowns and the not-really-true-friends out of my life, I’m finding that I’m alone. And I don’t care what any of you say, no one wants to be completely alone. Humans need some interaction. You go and have no one in the world to talk to ever and then try to tell me you don’t desire some sort of human companionship…. So, what do I do?
Veronica,
I think it is vital to set boundaries in ones life. Perhaps you need to do some reflection to discover why you’re introducing and allowing dysfunctional people into your life; it’s all about our choices-exclusion being family members. Honestly, I would rather be alone than be in toxic relationships.
I believe you need to get out and make new friends. Get involved in clubs, take courses, do volunteer work, there are so many options available.
Veronica, what is important at this point is change management. Sacking off all of your friends and family is not the answer to everything and would no doubt cause you to feel isolated. However….you can’t sit there and say that x,y, and z behave badly/don’t respect your boundaries and then wonder why you feel upset. You don’t have to get rid of your family – you need to put some boundaries in place by adapting your behaviour, otherwise if you don’t and choose to continue to accept it rather than deal with it, nothing is going to change. They may give their opinions, you don’t need to do anything with their opinions – they’re just another option. You make a decision. Instead of running to them and telling them what your latest decision is, just do it and stand behind your decision. When they comment about it, instead of sitting there letting them run their mouthes, interject and say ‘You know what – I’ve made the decision but thanks for sharing your concern’ or get up and say ‘Gosh, I hadn’t realised what time it is – I just realised that I have an appointment at X…’ as soon as they start up. Create a diversion that silences them/cuts them off each time if you don’t feel that you are in a position to outright state – you are belittling me. If they do some of this by phone, set a time limit for the call – for instance 10/15 minutes. The moment that they say something that crosses the line, knock off five minutes of whatever time is left and tell them that you have to go. Let their calls go to voicemail and control the contact with them. You call them back when you’re ready and over time you will teach them that their opinion will be asked for when needed. Turn the tables on them – deflect back to them and ask ‘When people second guess your decisions, what do you do in those situations?’ Suddenly they may not have very much to say.
Life is about interacting with people. You will get opinions from anybody and everybody and you cannot control everyone – instead you control the relationship that you have with them and stop giving them so much power.
At the end of the day, if you have surrounded yourself with people who disrespect your boundaries, this is the time to adjust your behaviour.
NML’s last blog post..Important Update: New Email Post Notification Service plus Comment Subscription & Forum closing
Hi Veronica,
I want to let you know, you are not alone. I have been going through the same thing, only by choice, thanks to this site. For me, (I’ve mentioned it many times before) I just couldn’t live the way I was living anymore.
I too have had personal and many family issues that I am taking the time to work through, it is not easy work. Everything in my life was and is fantastic, except for the relationship part. For the past several months I have been removing the layers of toxic emotions that lay deep within me. Now that I have been working on it for a couple of months, I know that until I uncover and release what has been preventing me from a deserving, appreciated, respectful relationship that I would be jumping right back into the same old relationship which is not acceptable to me anymore.
No, no One wants to be alone, including myself. Maybe a time of reflection, a time to work through issues that are rolling around in your head (that just maybe you have had a fear of confronting) and leaning toward friends that you feel confortable with and trust enough will help you with any wounds you may be suffering.
I have cut several friends during this period because I am finding out about me, they just didn’t work in my life anymore. Gaynor is right that getting involved in other activities will help you get your mind off of the AC you’ve been involved with but it doesn’t fix the wounds you are trying to heal. Everyone wants to be held, loved and cherished but for the right reasons, not because you need human companionship. If you can’t be alone with yourself and like yourself (which I have felt many times) it will be hard to find someone else to fill a void you can’t fill yourself, I have discovered this about myself.
Just some thoughts since I can relate to what you are going through….Gail
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