A couple of days back in part one, I explained how we can end up seeking validation from the guy after the relationship has ended and spend an awful lot of time expending energy on getting him to understand your perspective, or where they have gone wrong.
Validation and the concept of the other party understanding you are intrinsically tied to each other and if you spend enough time doing this, they’re just two more codewords for analysing, obsessing, and two more actions that mask fear and denial.
You’re seeking validation from someone who by their very nature invalidates you through their actions and the type of the relationship you engage in with them. They’re very good at validating the negatives and that’s because in being with them, you’ve chosen someone that reflects these very things.
You’re seeking understanding from someone who either has no interest in understanding you, or understands you, but not in the way that you would like.
Say what?
Well part of the reason why this is a bit like chasing the holy grail is because your concept of him understanding you and his concept of him understanding you are two very different things.
You want him to understand you because of what you say but actually, the conflict of your actions ensures that he understands something different.
You want him to understand you on your terms thus validating you but if you couldn’t take the horse to water and make him drink all this time, he’s not about to start drinking now.
Seeking validation and understanding from these guys is about gaining control. It can feel ‘unfinished’ when we believe they didn’t get it and so we can end up becoming obsessed with ‘closure’ in the form of the retribution of him realising he was an assclown/wanting you/changing his ways.
You want to have the last word.
As I said in part one, you’re going to be in for a long wait if you’re expecting him to ‘get it’ in the way that you want him to and the worst thing is, the amount of satisfaction that you think you’re going to derive from this is far removed from the reality.
You want to be ‘right’.
Don’t we all…but we have to learn to back away from the ‘bad investment’ and take solace in our own knowledge.
How much crap do you want to put yourself through just so that you can ‘prove’ that you were ‘right’?
Women have long lambasted men for being obsessed with being right but actually, in this situation we are very much guilty of the same thing.
You want to teach him but who says that you’re that person to teach him?
Many women misguidedly believe that they need to raise a man from the ground up and teach him how to be a man and tell him what relationship he should be in. This is why many are obsessed with change (changing him that is…) and why we don’t know when to wash our hands of a ‘bad investment’ and minimise the trauma and the impact. We like to ride the beat up donkey of a relationship till it collapses because we are obsessed with getting the end result (read: happy ending) where they validate us which in turn means we are understood. You’re seeking a return on investment when you’re already in some serious negative equity.
The thing is, if you’re the type of woman that is habitually engaging in poor relationships and trying to extract commitment from men that don’t want to commit, you’re in no position to be ‘teaching’ him.
People don’t learn how to treat you because you talk the ears off them until they suddenly have a lightbulb moment and it’s no different for understanding ‘you’ and ‘getting it’. This is why we keep falling into the trap of suffering with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome as we look at talking and discussing, and explaining, and revisiting the same subjects again and again as the best way to get men to understand us.
He’ll learn through your actions and by those of who came before and after you.
The best thing that you can do is validate what you have learned about yourself, him, and the relationship by acting on it.
You don’t need him to say ‘you are right’, you don’t need him to apologise, and you don’t him to creep around you saying how full of regret he is.
The validation of what you know about yourself, him, and the relationship comes from you. All of this energy that is yet again being expended in his direction is a waste because very little, if anything, comes from it and you are literally throwing your life away and bringing it to a standstill whilst he’s off leading his merry life in exactly the way that he wants to.
But…when you, for example, end the relationship, and he still continues to show that he’s a complete dipstick by disregarding your wishes to have no contact with him, by talking cheap but following through with no action, by taking up with his next victim whilst still pestering you, by never leaving his wife and instead starting a new affair, or whatever it is, he does actually validate your decision to opt out.
And this is where you have to make a choice:
Do you want to keep seeking validation from men because you place no value on your own opinion, judgement, feelings, or essentially yourself as a whole and instead hope that by extracting understanding and validation, you will in turn get the relationship you want from him and suddenly feel at one with yourself?
Or…do you truly want to live a life where you validate yourself through acceptance and rejection of other people’s behaviour?
Sod the quest for understanding, with the latter option, you set your boundaries, you know your values, you treat yourself with respect and you make a judgement call and act upon it and respect your decision rather than second guessing it and living your life in limbo trying to obsess and analyse everything out to nth degree so that you don’t actually end up doing anything.
People think there is something complex about validation like doing it for ourselves is a mystical feat; it’s not. This is just something else that is tied to building your self-esteem and having boundaries because by learning to accept and reject behaviour, you send signals to your self-esteem that teach you that you are a person of action who has her own trust system that she can always rely on.
When people have boundaries and make decisions that they act upon, they see the fruits of that decision – they’re happier, they see that the person wasn’t worth their energy anyway, they don’t analyse it because their made their judgement in light of their boundaries, core values, only engaging in thing that had a positive impact on their sense of self, rather than depleting it.
At some point you have to let go, accept that things are what they are, see him for what he is, opt out of the crap, and be good to yourself. That, ladies, is true validation and understanding…of yourself.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Betterwithouthim……the author is Steven Carter.
Myalmostlover, yes number one happened to me he hooked with what he said was a “long term friend” .. interesting and disgusting and I was certainly outraged at that time..
Sounds like an interesting book..
Recently and ehy I ended the whole ‘friendship’ thing was he was testing my boundaries to see if I was still willing to have sex with him
so he could do the samr with her as what they did to me .. that was too sick for words for me and the final breaking point.. shame I didn’t cut it all off and had to try the friends route first.. still life moves along and I can think I tried and it failed …
Tulipa…..same here. After we broke up, several months later he contacted me and wanted to go the “friends with benefits”route. …so esentially I’d be trading places in my own relationship?? WTF?? We talked a few times but I’m so disgusted with him I just don’t want to have anything to do with him. It proved one thing to me. He hadn’t changed one bit and can’t make a true committment to any woman whether he pretends to or not.
You can’t fault yourself for trying the “friends” route. But you find out very quickly that it’s not going to work. Why would we want to be friends with men that betrayed us in the cruelest way?
As for the book, you should read it, it’s an eye-opener.
Hey Tulipa,
You tried, you now know it will most likely go nowhere. Please, don’t torture yourself any longer with this man who is making you feel so unworthy, or undesirable.
Maybe, just take a step back. Don’t contact him in anyway, observe what he does, or doesn’t do. That will tell you a lot. You deserve to be cherished by a man. If this guy is not doing it, then, cut him loose, let him go, and figure your own self out right now.
I hope you are ok, and that you can find courage through this.
Take care. ts.
My Almost,
Did he actually suggest doing “friends with benefits?” Was this a relationship where he had previously declared love for you?
These guys are such pigs!!!!!
Gaynor……..He didn’t come right out and say FWB but that was the implication. I had been doing NC for several months, he would contact me off and on during that time but I never responded, Then I guess I got weak and picked up the phone. He acted like we never split up, it was surreal. No apology, just chit chat like we always did when we were together. I could tell he wasn’t happy with his new “relationship”. The very thought I was going to be his “buddy” and let him cry on my shoulder about the woman he cheated on me with was beyond the pale. He hinted about sex and I knew I DID NOT want to go down that road. After speaking to him a few times I put a stop to the communication, even though he continued to call. I never want to talk to him again.
And yes they are pigs.
Gaynor…..I forgot to answer your question. Yes we were in a two year committed relationship. We had made future plans, we spent all of our time together, he declared his love for me over and over. We were planning on moving in together, he said I was “the one”. All that, blah, blah. In the end it meant nothing.
My Almost,
I am so sorry.
I cannot imagine what is going through these a$$holes heads to believe that this is OK. It is so sick!!!! This is sadism at its best!
I’m curious, what were the problems he was having with the new one? A little fast, isn’t it?
Myalmostlover
My ex-EUM would disppear, not call and any other $hitty behaviour then act like nothing was wrong. The first time this happened I doubted myself. Didn’t he hurt my feelings? I know I didn’t dream that because I’m still hurting!
Anyway, I am amused (I’m at that stage now where I actually giggle at some of his BS lines and manoeuvres) that there are other pricks out there pulling that same stunt.
I wanted Twatman to admit that he treated me awful and that I deserved to be treated better. Then I decided to hell with that. Why would I need validation from someone lilke him? So I did it myself.
*Recovery*
I have not posted or visited this site for a few weeks because I have been healing to the point of not needing to think of my x as often. Its been 3 + months with no contact. And when I did it I just cut it off by telling him ‘This does not seem to be working for us anymore”. Period end of story. I did not return his emails or any of his texts. And I know that he knows full well why I ended it. There was no mystery and nothing to discuss.
I have been really working on myself, reading, writing, talking and being absolutly determined to extract this guy out of my life. By going no contact this way I have increased my self esteem… what NML said: by learning to accept and reject behaviour, you send signals to your self-esteem that teach you that you are a person of action who has her own trust system that she can always rely on.
That paragraph put a big smile on my face because it is exactly true. I do have more self esteem, I do feel stronger even though it hurt like hell for a few months….but I did it – and I can rely on myself now. It has not been all that long but I do not miss the ass who treated me so badly. I am grateful that I trusted myself enough to stop being the door mat and ending a relationship that was painful to me.
Thank you NML. Those are some very good suggestions that I will try to implement with my family. The suggestions to get out and volunteer to occupy my mind are good as well. However, there aren’t many clubs or activities here to meet new people. It’s a small town. It consists of mostly old people and high school aged people. I live here because my family is here. If I moved too far away, I wouldn’t have access to anyone. And no one wants to have no support system whatsoever.
Part of the reason that people are “let into” my life is because like I said, there aren’t many places to meet people and I believe the term would be desperation- not because I don’t like being by myself or can’t, but because after so long of being by myself, sometimes it’s nice to just have someone to hang out. Plus, my parents are not in the picture. My grandma raised me. So, not only is there the gap in age, she’s also getting worse with dementia. These are things that would be nice to have someone a little closer and trusted to be there, but those kinds of relationships take time to form. It’s not easy to just go out to a club or whatever and find/form a decent friendship.
Veronica,
I didn’t meet a “club” I meant clubs that may include your interests. Have you tried meetup.com? Or, is there a neighboring town that may have more options? Volunteer work is very rewarding, and you will also meet like minded people
Gaynor….The problem he’s having with her, from the little I dared to talk about it, is she’s wanting what we had…a committment leading to the M word. Well we all know how that worked out for me. Apparently this isn’t on his agenda….wow what a shock. I guess she’s as blind as I was but at least when I started dating him he wasn’t cheating on someone else. So the fact she knew he was in a relationship and went for it anyway shows what kind of woman she is. She deserves him. I had to cut off the phone calls from him because it was making me sick. The fact he was complaining to me about her was actually laughable. I’m absolutely sure of one thing, their “relationship” is doomed, He will never be faithful to any woman. He proved it by trying to hook up with me again. Just sick stuff.
Cynnie…..Boy this all sounds so famiiliar. The disappearing thing started very gradually late at the end of the relationship. We were chugging along, no real major problems, supposedly in love and then he started disappearing on weekends, not the whole weekend but say one day. Just wouldn’t answer his phone, you know the drill and then he would re-surface. His excuse was that he was tired. He never really tried to come up with anything too elaborate, just tired. Uh-huh. Then it started happening on a regular basis and that’s when my radar went up because up until that time we had spent most of our time together. Of course he had started seeing someone else so the disappearing act was that he was with her. It started becoming more and more of an issue and then the lies really kicked in. I guess he wanted to have us both. I was absolutely going nuts from the whole thing, crying all the time. Just trying to figure out what happened. It was just awful.
I wish I could turn back the clock and never have met him. This has been one of the most ego destructive episodes in my life. I can’t even say that about my xhusband.
Yes, recovery….it’s a long road back.
Hi. I’m new to this site and at the age of 47 have been put through 9 mths of push/pull by an EUM (61 year old adolescent). I am at the wanting validation stage!! He has done a runner everytime I hint at wanting a “normal” relationship. he has never been available at weekends and has kept me at arms length. I have fallen head over heels in love and I do believe that he really cares for me and wished he could do the relationship thing. He did a runner before Christmas after telling me that he had overlapped relationships by a month when he first met me (charming). I decided that these things do happen at the end of relationships and give him benefit of doubt (with radar on). He would send me a “text” weekly to keep in touch. After 6 weeks I saw him again, we had big talk. Made mistake of letting him seduce me. He left saying (and appearing) that he was extremely confused. We had a bit of run in over broken date a week later. I haven’t heard from him for 2 1/2 weeks now. I am told to not contact him but the silence and being left in limbo is literally driving me insane. How could he just go dead silent? Our conversation was heavy but we left on as positive note as we could have considering the circumstances. What is with this going silent thing?? There is no closure. Can anyone help me out of my misery??
Firstly thank you myalmostlover and ts for your kind comments.. I really do intend to keep my distance from him.. Unreal isn’t it myalmostlover that they have enough of an ego to think we want to hear about their relationship troubles.. I couldn’t care less to be honest I know what the troubles are they would be exactly the same as all his other millions of failed and doomed relationships…
I guess we don’t have the ability to turn back the clock it would be 2 years since I met him on Feb 17th and I keep thinking back to years ago when i was in two minds as to whether to attend a friend’s b’day party or not if I hadn’t we would not have crossed paths but oh well live and learn .. sometimes I seem to always learn the hard way ..
Perplexed he is staying silent because he his seeing if he still has control over you and to see if you will weaken and call him what a great big boost to his ego if you do contact him !! he will know without any doubt he can get away with his behaviour no matter how much he says he will change he won’t he will just feed you lies and what he thinks you want to hear all because you contacted him..
My advice may seen a little hypocritical coming from me but I would not get involved any further with him and if he chooses to contact you its because it is all about him and his ego… RUN well you can… silence really is a form of closure you are not his mind so don’t allow him so much of yours …
Perplexed,
Did you read NML’s recent post about the way guys that cannot form attachments – tend to rely you texting and emails instead of face-to-face interaction? Shoes don’t stretch, men don’t change. This guy is trying for a Hugh Hefner Playboy-type lifestyle – a perpetual dater. He is as deep into a “relationship” as he ever intends to be.
Thank him for his time, and take some time to re-learn to respect yourself better. Because putting up with his misdirection and his inattention is unacceptable. If you want a relationship – wish him well, and move on.
myalmostlover,
You said, “So the fact she knew he was in a relationship and went for it anyway shows what kind of woman she is. She deserves him”
But she sounds so much like the rest of us – not recognizing the danger signs, not knowing better, and believing her hopes and his lies. Rather than feeling she deserves what she is getting, I am thinking she needs NML’s book “Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl”. Remember – she didn’t harm your relationship – he did, all on his own. If he had really been honorable, honest, and a mate, she would never have gotten anywhere with him. Instead, he screwed around with his commitment to you. All she ever did was to provide a face to his insult to you.
Veronica,
When things aren’t working – try something different. Focus on finding respectful people to associate with. Volunteer, become active at your church, pay attention to the clerks and helpers where you shop (I tend to avoid sales people, sometimes their honesty gets a bit twisty). Hospitals, dog shelters, and nursing homes all need all kinds of volunteers from ward clerks to visitations, to helpers at all levels. Take a part time job at a movie theatre or other place with people to associate with. Serving your community has its own rewards in building self esteem and learning to meet people’s needs. There is always a need for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, foster parents and CASA volunteers, and trained baby sitters. If you have time during the day, look into substitute school teaching. Don’t do these things because you might find a date, but because you are interested or the service reflects what you believe.
You might also consider listing places where those that are down on you hang out – and avoid that type of place.
I love the science fiction authors Sharon Lee and Steve Miller. Their Liaden books contain the most delightful little insights. One that I love is the non-committal “Ah.” You can respond with “Ah.” to almost anything. Yes, you heard the suggestion or command or comment. But you don’t agree, you don’t disagree, you don’t give any indication about what you intend to do or not do. You get to reserve your thoughts for yourself.
If you want to be really cruel, though, without appearing really cruel, carry a journal with you. And every time someone comments on your choices – copy down your choice, their comment, capture it all. Date each one. The next day, send them a letter, hand written, with your initial choice listed, with their contribution, and what you finally decided and why. Over-reacting like this should make them so self-conscious about criticizing you, they should quickly get the point. And start thinking twice about throwing in their two cents.
But that leaves the question – why you are hashing the details of your life over with them. And this means you need more acquaintances in your life. Check with your chamber of commerce, or church, or other organization to find activities for you to participate in. Anything from card and quilting clubs to bowling leagues to, as I said, volunteering. Even taking up regular exercise once or twice a week can help broaden your base of acquaintances. Travel can help, too. Does your bank or church or radio station organize tours, or does your company have a travel service available?
Set yourself a goal of meeting five (5) women acquaintances before you meet another mate prospect. Learn the serenity and peace in live, in being with respectful people.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..ToM: Smarten up the kids.
Thanks Brad! Some good examples. Not all are feasible because I want to try and find people my own age (which is 26,) and not high school-aged or too much older. I want friends, not another set of parents, nor do I wish to try and squeeze in between children or spouses. Not that people with families can’t make time, it’s just another added difficulty to a friendship- one which a single person doesn’t really relate.
Also, aside from my job, I take care of my grandmother, so I don’t really want to volunteer taking care of children or more old people. I think I might try to find a dance, self-defense, or exercise class. Church is a good idea, but I feel kind of blasphemous going when I don’t believe in the same things as I used to. I appreciate all of your ideas. Thank you!
Brad….I absolutely blame him for what happened. He is unquestionably the one that cheated and betrayed me. But believe me this woman was very, very competitive in this whole situation, without going into detail. I think he liked seeing two women in conflict over him. I never asked for that. It caused me a great deal of pain and sorrow. Putting myself in her shoes, I would not get involved with a man that was in a relationship. That’s just the way I roll. She knew about me and decided to go forward anyway. As I said they deserve each other. I have no sympathy for either of them.
Tulipa and Brad
Thanks for your response. I have never chased him. Never initiated contact when he has done the runner. It almost kills me not to pick up the phone. He tells me he keeps coming back because he likes me too much. My common sense says to run but I can’t let go of the hope that he will work himself out. This is a big shock for me as I am someone who is not afraid of commitment and am finding his behaviour hard to fathom. I really need to find coping strategies on how to get it out of my mind day and night so it stops taking over my life. I have been amazed to find that sites like this exist because it is such a problem out there. Puts me off dating all together.
Tulipa…..It’s true, these men have huge ego’s but also are very insecure so they constantly need ego strokes to prove they’ve stil got it. As you said, all their past relationships will mirror their future ones so I guess we don’t have to be rocket scientists to figure out how they will go.
I still look back on it all, as I’m sure you do and wonder how I ever got myself involved with a man like this.Of course he was blowing very hot then and I didn’t have much dating experience, coming out of a long marriage, so that might have been part of it for me. You seem like a very level headed person who was was just blindsided by an EUM the way I was. But now we’re more informed women and know the warning signs and how to listen to our guts when something isn’t right. In my case I regret trying to hold on to him when I found out he was betraying me. I should have cut my losses and run. But hindsight is 20/20 and when you’re in love it’s very hard to let that person go, as all of us on this site know very well.
Actually, I have to admit (confession time), what I really want is for the fairytale ending to happen. I am having such a hard time letting go. I am scared that this is something that I will never be able to get over. All of the reading I have been doing tells me it is his problem but unfortunately, I am starting to take it personally. This is like living in a neverending nightmare. I am frustrated with him and even more frustrated with myself. AAAAAGHHH!!
Hi Perplexed,
Sometimes, I feel, to get out of frustrating thought patterns, you have to practically rethink or reframe the pattern into a form that you are not comfortable doing. I think of it as an exercise in thinking. If my current pattern isn’t going anywhere new or productive to solve the problem at hand, I force myself to think it out with all new equations, possibilities, and alternate results. I allow myself the “safety” of knowing this is just a drill, an exercise. Often, it is painful, because I am confronted with results I don’t want to believe at the moment. But, I feel that at least I have “plugged” that result into my thinking, even if, for now, I need to ignore it, to not be so devastated. I feel what you are going through. It is hard to let go of someone you really thought was going to be right for you. Take care, ts.
Thanks ts. I know what you mean. Am trying hard to retrain my thinking. It can be a real battle especially when the painful things come up. Thanks again
Hey Perplexed,
Yes, it is a battle. Pain is not a great or fun thing to feel, by any means. But, the struggle is a battle worth fighting. A battle to gain control over our own happiness. No man, no person, should ever deny us that. You know yourself better than any other, honor that. Take care. ts.
Perplexed,
I read your initial post, and afterward, I immediately thought – Noooooo, don’t contact him! Looking from the outside, I realized how objective I can be when I read about other people’s EUM situations. Yet, when it comes to mine, I know it’s easier said than done to move on!
I tend to think closure doesn’t exist with EUMs. Whatever reason they give for their behavior or lack of interest isn’t going to change them or the relationship. Their reasons won’t be what you want to hear. So regardless of why he went “dead silent,” I think it’d be more helpful to focus on your healing. It’s exhausting to be with in a relationship with an EUM, and it continues to be tiring because we put so much thought into the EUM.
I try to remind myself that it’s highly unlikely that my ex-EUM even thinks of me. Oh, well, maybe for a split second. Of course, this makes me annoyed, but it’s all the more reason for me to stop thinking of him! He’s not worth my thought time!
Hey Miki,
To quote you, “I tend to think closure doesn’t exist with EUMs”.
I agree. I have always felt this “need” for closure is a tricky and slippery slope anyway.
The closure all of us need, is that “he” is not really there, in a real way. End of story, right?
Time to let go. Focus on ourselves now. Figure our own stuff out. That seems to be the key.
Take care all, ts.
Hi everyone. Thanks for the support. I am going out of my mind. He’s confused and now has me confused!!!! The B@#$#@$!! I know I have been here before and I am told to expect him to contact me again and I know that I will probably give it another chance as I don’t feel quite strong enough to just walk away yet!! I also fear never hearing from him again. I can’t believe how well these men screw with our heads and all the time they seem to think that they’re ok and “being kind” (heard that a couple of times) by doing these cruel and thoughtless acts. Dumbfounded would have also been a good name for me!!!
Perplexed,
You must recognize that he’s not going to change and he is who he is. You need to accept this.
One thing that we have all learned from this site is that it is not all his fault, we must look at ourselves and recognize that we also have issues if we have tolerated this sort of behavior.
Do you believe that the occasional text and get-together is a healthy relationship? Are you feeling fulfilled in your current situation? No! Honey, this guy has already shown you he has nothing to give, see him for who he is and move on. Trust me life does go on without these idiots, actually it is a hell of a lot better
Perplexed,
They screw with our heads if we allow it!!!
Wow Perplexed,
It is a good sign that you found this site. Dumbfounded? At 47? I am curious, why now, after a lifetime of experience, that you are that? Why this guy? Just curious. Take care, ts.
ts,
To quote you, “The closure all of us need, is that “he†is not really there, in a real way. End of story, right?”
Right! At the end of the day, I think that’s all we truly need to know. EUMs don’t have the capacity to be present and involved in relationships. We shouldn’t accept a partnership from someone who gives less than 100 percent. EUM’s cycle of leaving and returning into the relationship doesn’t work. As Heidi Klum says on Project Runway, “You’re either In, or You’re Out.”
Hi ts
At 47 I have been in 2 long term relationships. I married young and was with my husband for 20 yrs. I then had another 7 year relationship so I suppose I have not had the experience!! I am pretty honest and have made the mistake of believing that most people essentially are. Guess I am finding out how wrong I can be. At 47, getting this experience is pretty painful and scarey!!! Why this guy??? He has provided something that I have been looking for all my life. I really felt like I had come home. We get on that well when we’re together. Sounds corny I know but without going into a saga, I can’t explain it any better. We are on the same level in so many ways. I suppose that is why it is so hard to let go. he is a very foolish man but then, maybe I am the fool!!
Hi Gaynor
I have no doubt that I have issues and I know that I am a part of it too but (in my defence), I haven’t treated him unfairly as he has me and have tried to be honest. I suppose I tolerated it but I tried to “gently” tell him what I expected and that I wasn’t happy. I should have been tougher!!! I should have walked instead of talked!!! Lesson learned. I am not blameless but his behaviour has been pretty over the top in comparison. My biggest lesson (according to therapist) is that I have to learn to be selfish.
I’m hoping life is a lot better. Thanks for the encouragement.
Perplexed-You’re lucky to have found this site. The folks who post here share their trauma and those of us who have already experienced similar trauma or are in the midst of our own are able to help you and others through this.
This site is a safe place to vent and you’re getting some really good advice. So please heed the advice, take it to heart because those sharing are really trying to help you get back on your two feet. We all want you to succeed in being happy, and assclown free.
In the last post to TS you commented that “We are on the same level in so many ways.” But in reality you are not. You are not like him, he is not offering you a relationship but rather manipulating you to believe what he wants you to believe. He is managing down your expectations by playing the dissappearing act, and various other means/tactics.
You’re in denial. We have all been there and are trying to help you see the real EUM that he is. You are wishing, hoping for someone who really doesn’t exist, he has proven that to you time and time again. Still you are believing what you want to believe. Please read more of the NML’s posts on this and the comments which follow. You will begin to learn and see the true colors of his charade, but you have to be willing to change yourself, and your current way of thinking to accept he is not what you want him to be. He is exactly who he is.
Perplexed you deserve better. You’ve had a marriage, and a long term relationship which have ended. Look within yourself for what it is that you maybe searching for in some assclown. Don’t settle for crumbs, and text messages, start NO CONTACT and stay that way then refocus your energy on you.
When you become anxious, and are having difficulty post here. You’ll get feedback and then the anxiety will pass so that you can regain your focus on what really matters, and that my dear is you.
Take care.
Perplexed….I’ve been where you are, You think you’re with the man of your dreams. When he’s good he’s very, very good but when he’s bad…. well you get the picture. All of us on this site were in relationships with EUM’s so there’s lot’s of experiences here. Our stories may not be exactly the same but the outcomes usually are.
Try to put yourself first and think of where you’ll be in one or two or more years if you stay in this relationship. I know it’s hard to let go, it’s one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. All I can think now is I wish I had those two years back. I wish I had never met him because as wonderful as he could be he could be equally crueler. In the end you find yourself chasing an illusion. A man that doesn’t exist and never has, only in our minds. We’re all trying to tell you we’ve been there.
Annied just posted on an older blog of NML’s: Coping With and Moving On After a Break Up Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry…
Perplexed might be a good read for you….Gail
A bad day of missing and longing for the good qualities of AC, and after reading some of these posts realize once again that they are all cut from the same fabric and I too easily forget all of the tears for the past year. The text messages, phone calls, and the get togethers when it was convenient for him. His schedule, not mine. I had a dream about AC last night, dreamed that he contacted me and said nothing. Been in no contact for about 5 weeks I think. Thought he might call for an ego stroke by now, but no. Still in love with AC, ok with that. There were some wonderful qualities, but this is not somebody who was willing to stand up for me. Like a previous post said, when they are good, they are soooo good. But when they are bad… just awful. Somebody out there with NC for longer than me please tell me it gets better as time goes by, this was a hard day.
Gaynor, thank you for your very kind words and apologies for late response. Have not replied btw and am glad I posted here instead. Good luck to everyone..
Hey fallingdown,
I am 3 months out now. Wow, starts to kind of sound like an AA meeting, right? I can’t quite explain it except with cliches, it does get better or less worse with time. Let all the strange and uncomfortable thoughts stew in your mind and eventually they do start to make some sense, like a good recipe. A recipe for your own recovery or own redefinition, as the case may be. Change and growth are never easy, remember being a teenager? But, keep on course and being good to yourself and what is good for you, and it might just all work out in the end. Hope so. Take care, ts.
Hi. Thanks for your messages even if I am not in the place to want to accept them all yet!! Am fighting the urge to call him even though I have never been the one to call first before. This is the longest he has gone without contacting me in some way. He told me that he runs when the going gets tough for him. Looks like I really hit a nerve this time. This is rediculous!!!!
Boy am I realizing how truly messed up I am. EUM and I broke up 5 days ago. During the break up call, he did give me the opportunity to vent, get closure, validate, whatever. I am craving contact with him and have been fighting it furiously – not so he will validate what that he was the “bad guy” and I was right and he wants to get back together, but so he will validate me as a person and not reject me. That hearing from him will mean I am worthy and pretty and smart and that I do have a personality that he wants to be around. WOW! He treated me lukewarm almost the entire time and I still want him to want me.
I hear ya Judy, same thing for me. Treated me lukewarm at best, which triggered me to keep giving without boundaries in an attempt to avoid rejection. Yuck. Destroyed my self worth and now feeling very foolish for letting AC manipulate me like that. I didn’t get any closure, and reading the posts now think it wouldn’t do any good to have it. Same result, it’s over and move on. Easier said than done. Keep up the NC, seems to get better day by day (with the occasional bad day).
Ok so its “VALENTINE’s DAY” in our office today and unfortunately i work with my xEUM (its been 2months since I broke it off with him) and perhaps i feel a little gloomy that he isnt even thinking of me? I guess in a way I am still seeking some sort of validation from him although I know what a jerk he is. I am really hoping that this seeking validation and understanding from him will really completely dissipate one day as it seems to be the hardest part of the process for me. I was not only a good girlfriend to him but a GREAT FRIEND and I guess it still hurts that he lied, cheated and hardly recipricated during our 2yr relationship and that in the end I had to break it off because despite me trying to talk to him and get him to understand why his behavior was unacceptable and why it was hurting me soo much— there never really was any change– just more denial of him doing anything wrong (they are just friends) he would say and “you know my life is soo full of pressure and problems… if i could do this and that for you — believe me i would do it” UH HUH…. EXCUSES! I just couldn’t take it anymore. So the question I keep asking myself is WHY oh WHY would I want him to do some form of a gesture of kindness towards me on this Valentine’s day (and any other day for that matter)??? Have I not learned that he just isn’t going to do it… that he is an A**clown and me sitting here expecting him to have compassion, empathy, appreciation or anything remotely close is like waiting for pigs to fly??? I guess I’m not completely there yet….:( My question is– why do we keep looking back at these men? Why do we keep seeking validation from a place where it does not exist? I’m in therapy trying to understand this part of myself but Im wondering if anyone here has a better explanation?
Hi Karen, I really feel for you and wish I could give you some help.. working with him and seeing him is not helping your cause to get over him.. but with the economic climate the way it is I don’t know if you can change jobs or not.. to eliminate him from your life is one way I guess.. but if it is not possible then I guess you will have to do some serious mind re training..
To a point I do this myself.. everytime I think of my ex eum I tell myself it is over and finished and the reasons why it finished.. you have your list already there ‘he lied, he cheated, he never reciprocated ” this is your truth that you need to feed yourself with it along with the truth you deserve so much better than what he offered you.. there are also plenty of stories on here where the guy has come back and the end result was exactly the same ..booom. I honestly don’t think I have read one single success story about an EUM turning around and going oh you were fabulous and turning into a great guy..
He does not deserve you and you know this because you finished it with him..
I recommend the book ‘Obsessive Love when letting go hurts too much” by susan forward.. it gives many helpful insights and exercises to do to get him off your mind.. as well obviously reading the posts here ..
Good Luck Karen.. and you are good enough whether anyone or noone wishes you a Happy valentines day .. why so much fuss is made over one day is beyond me …
Loved this article… trusting myself and validating on my own was definitely a lesson that I struggled with and still building… but none the less have taken action through my own judgement. There was a saying, affirmation “I accept and trust you no matter what people think or how unacceptable it maybe to others, in knowledge that the only difference between a flower and a weed is judgement!”
It was tough, (life is I know…) but growing up I didn’t have healthy parents… my Dad never validated me after his abuse therefore I didn’t develop a healthy self esteem and through these painful relationships I choose to learn from them and build my self esteem. I even ended a friendship I felt was toxic based on my core values all by myself this year, if it was last year I would have had to consult with everyone, getting all shaky but I was confident and assured… When it comes to dating which I am not really focusing on … I don’t pick up the crumbs — don’t really recognize the men not worth my time. I loved your articles — and I wish you alot of luck with them.
Hi there. Im a guy and have stumbled across this site whilst looking for some answers to my relationship imploding just like that. If I desribe the scenario can anyone shed any light and am I right in thinking all of this applies to me
Ok basically met a girl in October. Everything i wanted, and I am for her apparently. we take our time, declare our love in december and make plans for future togther. Our lives our both in a flux in terms of jobs, location so made sense to allign them a little.
Everything is amazing up until mid Jan, then she seems to just back off slightly. She’s been made redundant so under alot of stress, but I think Im supporting in what ever way she needs. Anyway the ‘little things’ that make it romantic and are the glue …. you know texts, calls when you say you going to etc … start to dry up. I say Im feeling as if its changed, maybe a bit insecure. I still get the ‘I love you’s’ I guess
We have a talk about it, im still not conviced as she just says ‘What more can I do’. I do a stupid thing like look in her phone. See innocuous text from ex, hers is deleted. Its ok though as it was plain. Anyway I do tell her, think its inappropriate, but hey. She blows. Keeps me at arms length saying it will take time to get over this for her. I struggle with the total lack of intimacy, reduced contact. I want to talk about the situation to resolve it and move on and get back to normal. She just doesnt want to talk about it point blank ….. sh blows ….then walks out on me just like that. No contact. Nothing
It was all ‘I love you’ ….. to after last 4 weeks …. absolutley nothing. She cant talk about stuff and refuses to deal with issues. Now I have no closure and am struggling to come to terms with this.
Told her i was sorry for all my mistakes, insecurities. But I thought we had something really special and would always be able to work anything out by good communication, dealing with an issue and moving on
I’m not sure if I’m the Ass Clown here that you all talk about. I promise I did try, and more than happy to resolve stuff. She says I just wasnt supporting her emotionally enough through her redundancy.
Or am I on the other side of the fence, and she’s the ass clown
Any ideas? … much appreciated
I think she sounds like the EUW in this relationship. It sounds like you guys were just starting out too, so I don’t understand how it got so serious so fast. I think it’s best if you move on.
Matt,
I am just guessing here.
I think looking at her phone did something monumental – it broke through the glamour. Because I think she was presenting an image, a dating facade, a make believe image of herself and her romantic image. When you found the text, though, that knocked a hole through to the underlying life. Maybe what you found was of interest, maybe not – but she was no longer covered with the image she intended you to see.
Perhaps she was about to come unraveled anyway, and the phone thing wasn’t really an issue.
At any rate, she wasn’t over her ex. Whether she was seeing him or not, she was still investing thought about him. She was unready to turn to you. I have no idea whether she was interested, was using you, was desperate, no idea at all. But she wasn’t ready, yet, for a relationship.
NML wrote a recent post about how many emotionally unavailable people use text messages and emails instead of regular phone calls or face to face encounters/visits. Life may be a-Twitter, but love grows in small walls, with shared breaths, with hand-in-hand time. It doesn’t sound as if you were communicating and bonding nearly as much as you thought.
Closure is really big in talking about relationships. The reality is that you seldom get truth and closure at the same time. Usually you just have to make a choice – decide where your best course lies, and pursue that course. Whether you made mistakes or not, it doesn’t sound like you have much choice. Accept that there is nothing left with this woman.
Allow yourself to heal. Consider why you are interested in adapting to someone else in your life. Consider what you have to offer. If, in the future, you find someone that you want to know better, consider the difference between what she needs, and what you want to give. And consider how you tell her needs from your desires.
Look for great character, respect, and compassion. The rest matters much less than you think.
hi guys …. thanks for your replies
Mariposa
I guess I wanted to take it easy at first, she instigated the ‘I’ve fallen in love with you’ ….. we both were happy to take things easy but it was just evident we were falling for each other. We still knew we had a long way to go with things
Brad K
Interesting comments. Im guess I’m at the stage (its a week today) that I just want her to contact me and we get back to it …and am finding it difficult to accept such quite deep ‘ideas’ as to why. I’m hopeing its just her way, that she is angry and will come round in time
I also know this may not be likely and never happen. I live in hope
Anyway thanks for yur comments. Food for thought
Just hope I can get through this quickly
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