I agree that statement right there says it all…Thank you NML for sharing all your wisdom and advice with us in times when we feel hurt sad scared weak frustrated and confused -what it all comes down to is being good to ourselves and being the best that we can possibly be..whenever i feel weak and tempted to give in and break the NC with AC i come on here and read your articles and it keeps me from making that mistake and boosting his ego and making him feel like he’s really somthing special when he never made me feel that way..plz keep writing!! xoxo

please keep writing xoxox

That’s what it’s all about… Thank you NML and thanks to all!
hugs xx
Rosanna

What I understand now is that I don’t need to know I was right because I was right not to accept any more of his crap. I was right to put him out of my life and I am right not to wait around for him to validate that. Why on earth would he anyway?? He thinks he did nothing wrong and tells everybody I am a needy bitch. Yes, I needed both of his feet in the relationship, I needed some respect, and I needed a man who is with me because he loves to be with me. Since I wasn’t getting that, I was unhappy.

This hurts, don’t get me wrong, it hurts a lot. My dreams are crushed and my hopes are dashed. But I know I am better off and this will pass and right now I am more at peace than I have been in the last two years.

But this is so true: “you are literally throwing your life away and bringing it to a standstill whilst he’s off leading his merry life” Yes!
I put my life on hold for almost 6 months and he’s already been in and out of 2 “relationships”– which means HE HAS been wining, dining, courting, getting sexually intimate, having fun, having laughs, flirting, romancing, dancing, phoning, emailing, enjoying the thrill of the chase….
while for nearly 6 months I’ve been emotionally immobilized. I only just started to move on emotionally (outward appearances: I seem to be doing very well)… and he’s already had 2 “girlfriends”.

I feel stronger just reading these postings. People say “oh he’s a jerk” and yes that’s true, but it didn’t allow me to let go like these articles do. This helps so much

the pattern in our relationship is we become extremely close and intimate and when it is really good, he seems to panic and cut me off. though cutting me off is more like looking through me in my presence, and literally running away at the end of plans. but he still calls every day or writes, wants to spend time together, even when pulling a disappearing act.

he definitely communicates a vibe of “can’t commit to me can’t bear to let me go.” clearly not healthy to be in that limbo. our initial conversation a year and a half ago, about “what is going on between us?” involved him articulating concerns of wanting to be a good man to me, marriage, and babies. he is younger and worried the two latter issues were my immediate priorities. they were not. someday they will be, I explained, but I was mostly concerned with/excited about enjoying each other and making this new connection as healthy and honest as it could be.

his best friend said to me, “he’s met the girl of his dreams and he is young and terrified because he doesn’t feel ready.” our push/pull dynamic endured until he went away on a trip a year ago, came back, and he seemed very distant. we had a talk where I said, “I can really handle any hard truth, awkward confession, “you want to be single” “I am older and that is intimidating”, “you have been/want to see other people”, “this isnt working” “I am not in love with you” whatever it is, it won’t shock me, i can really handle any of it. none of those possibilities are “bad” just real. but no words at all is the most hurtful most destructive course of action and will yank our friendship up at the roots.”

we had this exact conversation three times over the past year after several “pull me super close, push back” episodes. each time he says he is just paralyzed with confusion. that there is no simple explanation and that he wishes there were. he just feels paralyzed. he tells me the only women he has ever loved and said so are his mum, his old girlfriend and me. i do believe him.

all of our friends, loved ones, family—especially the tough love pals that I count on to tell it like it is—assess that it is a truly confusing situation to observe. that there are enormous feelings and palpable affection but also palpable fear and reservation.

ok. enough background. and there is heaps more, mind you. there always is.

the cycle, whatever it is about, needs to stop. because it is exhausting, so upsetting, and confusing to me. during the “push back” phases he started becoming extremely rude and defensive. And I enabled it and did not stand up for myself.

I allowed myself to be sucked into the ambivalence. and it made me deeply unsure of myself. I felt like a phantom and of course, I was complicit in letting myself reach that impasse. which is very upsetting. as he abandoned me, I abandoned mysef.

after his last “I’m confused…but I love you, let’s talk about this another day”, one week into this new year, I decided I needed to detach from the destructive cycle. I was tired of feeling so sad and fearful of him and myself. I chose to look toward actual love and life in myself. I needed to take care of myself! no words I could say, or plans we had, etc was making any difference in the day-to-day. I couldn’t fix the situation.

as I work and travel with him in a musical group, NC is not an option. my decision was to focus on me and my time and to stop half living my life. and not try and fix this situation any more. just stop focusing on him at all. Just let go. I have been good about turning off my phone, not emailing, not reaching out, very selectively responding to texts and being cordial but not heart on sleeve in my words. I am not being cold shoulder/drama queen about it. Just trying to make some positive life decisions about me. And not in response to him (though it is, in part, but telling him so is not helpful).

in response, he actually really got his act together. clearly went through the archive of our correspondence, all the gifts I ever gave him, reflected, wrote to me a bunch about it, started reaching out to me for “dates”, running errands for me, gave me an unbelievable birthday gift, and generally just came around.

that was January/half of February.

then he went on a recent trip with another group, and came back….looking detached again. who knows why. confused again. met other girls. doesn’t matter. what mattered was seeing we could make progress and he could retract even after that was terrifying. because yes, hope had been creeping back again.

and so i started the process of protecting myself again. not responding to texts if they were just anecdotal (not band question), not being available. and he came around again, but I cn see he is still ambivalent.

I love him a lot. but i need and deserve more. he cannot commit. but cannot let go. i want to share my heart with someone who can commit and doesn not want to let go of me.

Next week we have to travel together for music. Including two days at my parents house. I am scared. And hope for a calm heart in a challenging environment. Sleeping arrangements each night are particularly nerve wrecking because I already feel myself thinking “I want to sleep alone, but I want him to want to sleep with me, I worry he will not want to sleep int he same bed with me, I want to sleep in the same bed with me.”

absurd and true. I am laughing.

I guess I am not here to ask questions. Just trying to organize and breathe before intense close time together. I know it will be confusing.
And I know regardless of his confusion, I need to be sure of myself. I want more. I want a healthy, consistent relationship with someone who can’t help but be ready for it.

He retired, moved away, but I have to see him once a year for a convention I can’t avoid. It’s coming up soon and I’m dreading it. He runs around there with the woman he claims is just a friend. Then he tries to come around to tell me how beautiful I am and how much he misses me. Last year I just walked away. He tried calling once after that but I didn’t pick up. I saw him down the corridor a bit later and he glared at me. It’s all so upsetting still, and I hate that. I don’t want to even admit what an idiot I was to tolerate all I did. I just want to be able to be there and not miss the good, fume over the humiliation, and beat myself up anymore. He was a real jerk, but he could also be wonderfully sweet, too. His sense of humor was incredible, and like Perplexed, I loved the good. He was trained in the mental health industry, and I probably cut him slack I wouldn’t have cut for anyone else. I trusted not only him, but who I thought he was. I’ve been in therapy for a while now, and reading this site tonight has been so helpful….I want to be O.K. I think I vascilate between denial and a reality that’s hard to be with. I want to accept what was, and to forgive myself for my part in letting this go on as it did. I do feel shame, and I feel stuck between my bad feelings and the ones that still remember the good.

My parents were almost divorcing during much of my childhood, and I think I became addicted to hope. I made a decision early on I would never be in that situation, and when I married, I married someone wonderful who would not hurt me in that way. Still, we divorced 20 years, but I don’t blame either of us for its ending. He is a good person, and even though we couldn’t stay together, he’d have my back and I’d have his. I wasn’t prepared for this situation. I don’t want to feel that physiological gut-wrenching feeling when I hear my a$$ clowns name or see him running around with his friend. I want to feel indifferent, and I don’t know how to do that. Will keep trying. Thanks for listening. It has helped just saying this.

thanks for the comments NML

I sent her a letter last week apologising for my words and actions. Not justifying them. Explained how I realise my mistakes and how I could have supported her better in the way she needed. Im always opent to learning and growing as a person and new ways of dealing with issues.

I realise that our relationship was better placed somewhere down her priorities so she could focus on the task in hand better. Me going on her phone was a low point. For us both really and i need to work on those insecurities. i did push her away with trying to sort it out and this I now all know

Apart from the letter to let her know that I could see things more clearly now I have not contacted her and left her to sort herself out. She text me yesterday to say thankyou for the lovely letter. Its been a week since she left. She has now secured that dream job. She says she will reply to it once she finds a new place to live where the job is and settled. I’ve replied and said well done. I look forward to hearing from you when you are sorted

I intend to get on with my life left best I can, strengthen up, work on the confidence and insecurity issues. getting back to me. If it works out great … if not then there was a reason why and i should be in abetter place to move on. I do miss her but we both need that space and time. I’m being very good and wont contact her as hard as it is and trying to live a bit more in my own world

Hopefully its a positive result and but hey ….

Bit of space and time can only do us both good whichever way

thanks for your comments they are all appreciated

We have to be very careful when we say that we are supporting people because we’re only supporting them if it’s the supporting that they need. This is why when you think you’re being supportive and you get negative results, it’s best to ask them what they actually need. This is highlighted by the fact that she said you didn’t support her enough. Now this may or not be the case – some people just flail around for an excuse.

I also know if she has been made redundant then your insecurities or even thinking about rosy futures may not have been at the top of her mind. That said, the whole ex thing goes and throws a monkey wrench in those works. But then, you going in her phone demonstrated that your relationship had reached a low that you haven’t acknowledged because if you were prepared to do that, things must have been pretty bad. Even if she has been in contact with her ex, and who knows, maybe it’s innocent, you sent a clear message.

Much as you may want to talk and get back to normal, I think you’re expecting a bit much and you’re also disregarding her feelings as you’re totally focused on what you want – right now you don’t both want the same thing and that is a problem. I agree with Brad that I don’t think things were as great as you feel they were and whatever contact she was having with her ex, she seemed to have shut down to you.

Leave things be and let her sort herself out. You also need to. The time for communication and working things out is during the relationship, not after, especially since it was such a short relationship, so I don’t suggest waiting otherwise you could be in for a long wait.

Mariposa

I guess I wanted to take it easy at first, she instigated the ‘I’ve fallen in love with you’ ….. we both were happy to take things easy but it was just evident we were falling for each other. We still knew we had a long way to go with things

Brad K

Interesting comments. Im guess I’m at the stage (its a week today) that I just want her to contact me and we get back to it …and am finding it difficult to accept such quite deep ‘ideas’ as to why. I’m hopeing its just her way, that she is angry and will come round in time

I also know this may not be likely and never happen. I live in hope

Anyway thanks for yur comments. Food for thought

Just hope I can get through this quickly

I am just guessing here.

I think looking at her phone did something monumental – it broke through the glamour. Because I think she was presenting an image, a dating facade, a make believe image of herself and her romantic image. When you found the text, though, that knocked a hole through to the underlying life. Maybe what you found was of interest, maybe not – but she was no longer covered with the image she intended you to see.

Perhaps she was about to come unraveled anyway, and the phone thing wasn’t really an issue.

At any rate, she wasn’t over her ex. Whether she was seeing him or not, she was still investing thought about him. She was unready to turn to you. I have no idea whether she was interested, was using you, was desperate, no idea at all. But she wasn’t ready, yet, for a relationship.

NML wrote a recent post about how many emotionally unavailable people use text messages and emails instead of regular phone calls or face to face encounters/visits. Life may be a-Twitter, but love grows in small walls, with shared breaths, with hand-in-hand time. It doesn’t sound as if you were communicating and bonding nearly as much as you thought.

Closure is really big in talking about relationships. The reality is that you seldom get truth and closure at the same time. Usually you just have to make a choice – decide where your best course lies, and pursue that course. Whether you made mistakes or not, it doesn’t sound like you have much choice. Accept that there is nothing left with this woman.

Allow yourself to heal. Consider why you are interested in adapting to someone else in your life. Consider what you have to offer. If, in the future, you find someone that you want to know better, consider the difference between what she needs, and what you want to give. And consider how you tell her needs from your desires.

Look for great character, respect, and compassion. The rest matters much less than you think.

Ok basically met a girl in October. Everything i wanted, and I am for her apparently. we take our time, declare our love in december and make plans for future togther. Our lives our both in a flux in terms of jobs, location so made sense to allign them a little.

Everything is amazing up until mid Jan, then she seems to just back off slightly. She’s been made redundant so under alot of stress, but I think Im supporting in what ever way she needs. Anyway the ‘little things’ that make it romantic and are the glue …. you know texts, calls when you say you going to etc … start to dry up. I say Im feeling as if its changed, maybe a bit insecure. I still get the ‘I love you’s’ I guess

We have a talk about it, im still not conviced as she just says ‘What more can I do’. I do a stupid thing like look in her phone. See innocuous text from ex, hers is deleted. Its ok though as it was plain. Anyway I do tell her, think its inappropriate, but hey. She blows. Keeps me at arms length saying it will take time to get over this for her. I struggle with the total lack of intimacy, reduced contact. I want to talk about the situation to resolve it and move on and get back to normal. She just doesnt want to talk about it point blank ….. sh blows ….then walks out on me just like that. No contact. Nothing

It was all ‘I love you’ ….. to after last 4 weeks …. absolutley nothing. She cant talk about stuff and refuses to deal with issues. Now I have no closure and am struggling to come to terms with this.

Told her i was sorry for all my mistakes, insecurities. But I thought we had something really special and would always be able to work anything out by good communication, dealing with an issue and moving on

I’m not sure if I’m the Ass Clown here that you all talk about. I promise I did try, and more than happy to resolve stuff. She says I just wasnt supporting her emotionally enough through her redundancy.

Or am I on the other side of the fence, and she’s the ass clown

Any ideas? … much appreciated