Well, I did the inevitable. Met up with the latest ex. Hung out, went to
dinner, very casual, then, discussed whether or not we should sleep
together. DISCUSSED it. My prompting (of course) as he would have
happily just jumped into the sack without one iota of thought as to the whys and the what thens. A boy’s brain is so simple sometimes (I’m
referring to the lower one, of course).
Now, let me premise. I am NOT against the idea of non-romantic sex. I have, in the past, entertained the notion of a purely sexual relationship sans emotional ties, and executed on it. And it was fine. *I* knew what I
was getting out of it, *he* knew what he was getting out of it, everyone was fine.
Now, sex-with-an-ex is a bit trickier. Is it sans emotions? Could it ever be? Part of why we do entertain the concept is *because* of the residual emotions, right? I still care for the guy, therefore it’s not really “just sex”. We know each other so well / the sex was so good/we’re comfortable with each other – all of these are rationalizations for appeasing our own conscience.
Prior to meeting up with the ex, I did some research (okay, I just Googled ‘sex with an ex’) and found a thoughtful article regarding the subject: Sex with an Ex: Should You? The article contains a helpful list of questions to ask yourself PRIOR to hookin’ up with that ex, to define your own motives, consider your ex’s motives, and assess if the actions are a threat to your own emotional stability in regards to that past relationship.
I did answer the questions, and found that I have a healthy regard towards my ex, would not be using sex as a way to rekindle the romance, nor to strike back or ‘show him what he’s missing’. That of course, wasn’t the end of the story, hence the aforementioned DISCUSSION with him, prior to a single button being undone. I needed to know where HE
stood on the issue.
He was obviously uncomfortable having to verbalize the Whys (although he seems to have no hesitation verbalizing the How’s) and it took a bit of coaxing to get him to offer up that he sees it as ‘sex with someone I was with recently, whom I enjoyed being with” (that’s probably a polite way of saying “someone I don’t have to make much effort to get into the sack”, but that’s beside the point). He also said it was because he still finds me sexy.
In words alone, this isn’t really enough to know where he’s coming from, but I knew by his behaviour over the evening that he does not resent me, does not wish to hurt me, and no, does not wish to rekindle things with me. We were truly attempting to build a transitional bridge from dating couple to ‘once involved’ friends. Would PR (Post Relationship) sex be a part of that transition?
The end result is: we did spend the night together. It was sexy, it was titillating (the lack of a relationship thread probably evaporated a bit of inhibition that was in our dating sex life) – but – it also lacked something important for me. It lacked a real intimacy, a real connection. I still feel affection for my ex-I do continue to care for him-but it was different now. I am not connected to him. And that does make all the difference. I do not feel the desire to sleep with him again. I have transitioned.
TallGlassOfVino is a single, 30-something, mixed varietal from San Francisco. An off-beat vintage, she’s obscure yet accessible, and pairs well with most hearty dishes.
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[tags]adult, booty call, couple, couples, break up, breaking up, ex, love, love relationship, men, relationship advice, sex do’s and don’ts, seduction, seductive, sex, sex advice, sex tips, sex with the ex, sexy, women [/tags]
[dels]adult, booty call, couple, couples, break up, breaking up, ex, love, love relationship, men, relationship advice, sex do’s and don’ts, seduction, seductive, sex, sex advice, sex tips, sex with the ex, sexy, women [/dels]
{ 1 comment }
I think that sometimes, only sometimes, sex with an ex can cure you of all the ‘what if’ questions that nag at you months and even YEARS after a break up. I like that you ‘talked about it’ before you did it…that helps so because it makes sure that there are no illusions…everyone knows that its just plain old sex and not the start of mending a buried relationship…and I like that you still care about him…some of the nicest male friends I have are ex’s…
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