If there is one thing a woman in a dubious relationship loves, it’s shades of grey. Looking between the lines when there is no gap. Seeing gold or platinum when it’s actually copper. Seeing a loaf when it’s a crumb. Over rationalising things to make it fit within her reason. And the big ones; assuming she is different or that he is different.
The reason why I say this? There are two things you should drum into yourself so you can get into reality:
1) When you make contact after starting No Contact, and by ‘make’ that means instigating or accepting it in any, way, shape, or form, it is contact. Period. Contact is contact.
2) You may put on your rose tinted glasses and your fur coat of denial and rationalise that your guy is different, special, has some good points, has some good days, is only a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally unavailable as the last guy, but…emotionally unavailable is emotionally unavailable.
With the former, I really want you to realise that whatever reasons you come up with for making contact or accepting contact , and whatever tone you think you had and yada, yada, yada, he doesn’t think ‘Ah, Natalie accepted my call but she’s really frosty with me so I think I’d better leave her alone from now on because I don’t want to mess her around any further and I’ve already put her through enough pain’. No – he doesn’t ‘think’ at all because the act of getting you to break No Contact is about attention. You may look at it as giving him 1% attention but he just sees it as attention, period. He realises he’s proved his point, and often, the silly little assclown won’t even bother to return your call or will just straight up vanish.
Stop explaining, stop discussing, stop thinking that he’s thinking the same thing you’re thinking, because trust me, he’s not. If you weren’t on the same planet when you were together, you can be damn sure you’re not now that it’s over.
99% of the time, whatever reason you have come up with for making contact or accepting it, it’s not the real reason and if you’re even THINKING about making contact, it’s a neon flashing light of a signal that is telling you that you haven’t cut contact for long enough!
When it comes to emotional unavailability, one of the problems that will keep you being compassionate, projecting, and in denial, is believing that you can make him different or that he’s not what he actually is. For the habitually emotionally unavailable that cause umpteen problems for themselves and you, they are emotionally unavailable.
Stop analysing him and trying to put him into the ‘not so bad job lot’ of emotionally unavailable by overextending your compassion.
Mr Unavailable is not a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable, 25%, 50, 66 or whatever percent emotionally unavailable. It doesn’t matter if he only has done half the things that some others do – that half may be very bad and where there is half, there is more.
You want to think he’s different because you don’t want to let go and you’re heavily emotionally invested in the potential that you think he can deliver. The fact that you need to focus on potential rather than the current him speaks volumes.
If you have to have shades of grey to maintain your idea of the relationship, it’s a sign that something is very wrong. Whilst the world is not black and white, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t have to rationalise him, his behaviour, your emotional investment, or your reasons for still being around. Period.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Astelle the other thing I learned about my EUM is what is change? He told me all sorts of things about him and behaved a certain way, suddenly he was this monster at the end and made comments that just were totally uncharacteristic… or were they? He was a salesman, both in real life and in his dating life. My counsellor called that the first day she met me she said “what does he do for a living is he in sales by any chance?” He used to tell me stories of things he would tell clients to close a deal that were not immoral but just sleazy how he had to lie all day.
So what is change? Did he become a jerk at the end? Is that who he really was and Mr. I’m so positive about life was just an act for me… Part of the pain but also the relief is I really have no idea who this man ever was.
No, he did not just turn into a jerk, he is what he is, you just ignored the red flags like we all did. We looked at them thru Lover’s eyes and stuck around too long.
I truly believe that these type of people do not just treat women bad, they are little shits in day to day life. They make lousy partners, lousy friends, lousy parents, lousy co-workers…..
I was recommending the Break up Buddy, not He’s not into you…just to help get over a breakup…so unless you read that one, then you can’t really critique it.
finally, sorry I wasn’t critizing the book, I just don’t care for Greg Behrendt and his books. Break up Buddy may help for a break up of a “normal” relationship but not for anything more complex.
Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl is the best that I have read, it is very important to understand these type of personalities and yourself as well in order to learn.
Finally – I cannot wait to be at the 2 month mark!! although its only been 2 weeks I am confident this time as I had the epiphany too!! I woke up on the monday morning and had a hospital appointment (he knew this) and when i switched on my phone he had sent me messages in the night saying the same things he had said a hundred times before – ‘he couldnt be with me, needed space, I am too demanding, I expect too much, we are over etc etc etc’ (even though he had spent the previous week contacting me telling me he couldnt stop thinking about me/misses me etc) his texts were just to hurt me, bring me down & control me as he knew I would be feeling sensitive anyway and dreading hospital (he really is this spiteful) usually my reaction would be despair – my stomach would of lurched & I would of gone straight into panic mode, crying,calling him etc (ive probably even begged in the past) instead I felt nothing apart from knowing in my head I that I couldnt do this for a minute longer, I decided right there & then to get off the rollercoaster – for good, I looked in the mirror & just saw sad stressed eyes, drained & worn down with everything – that was 2 weeks ago & I havent looked back – & even when a friend mentioned she saw him out – with another girl of course!! I still felt nothing, roll on the new year – I never want to see her speak to him ever again!
Finally – really can recommend the book – ‘men who cant love – how to recognize a commiymentphobic man before he breaks your heart’ it really is a fantastic read & you really realise that there is nothing you can do (apart from realising this a lot sooner in the future) I am going to read mr unavailable & the fallback girl too!! I think the more reading the better!! Im also finding writing these posts really help!!
p.s my EUM was a lawyer!! – it couldnt of suited him more, he could lie to your face & not bat an eyelid – even when confronted with evidence, he could twist any row back on to me & even accused me of saying/doing things I hadnt said or done!! he was highly manipulative – it was scary!
Astelle, thanks for your comment…I totally agree with you…NMLs books are the best for the EUM relationships…the lady I was recommending the Break up Buddy was Tina who was trying to get over a 15 yr relationship, that didn’t sound to me like a classic EUM and she wanted advice on how to move on in general and his book is good for that.
Astelle, reading your posts, you are right on too…you sound like MINI ME (a mini-NML)!!!
Thanks!!! finallyseenthelight
nevergoingback..stay strong, you will get through this and it does get easier…it’s a long road, but one step at a time and you will get there…we’ll be here to support you!
Nevergoingback, it is very important right now that you don’t respond to him, he went from txt ” I miss you, thinking about you” to ” I need space, it os over, blah, blah, blah”
He is trying to get a response out of you – ANY kind of response – I am wondering what he will txt next, probably going back to “I miss you” crap.
Like I mentioned earlier, watch your surroundings, if he has narcisstic tendencies than he may get stupid, because he is not USED to you acting “this way”. Does he drink?
You need to get Natalie’s book today, have you downloaded it yet??
Do all the excerices as well. I remember the 1st time I did the exercises and I lied to myself with my answers, had a good laugh and re-did them all with honesty.
Finally, I agree, Tina’s guy doesn’t sound EUM, it is hard for her after 15 years relationship and it is easier for the person that ended it.
I am over it and I am at a good place, I am more open, paying more attention to people and to everything in day to day life.
I feel that phone/email counseling with Natalie may benefit her to find a way to get over this.
I ended my 18 year old marriage – after wasting time to get him to do marriage counseling. Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, I told him to get out, I realized that life is too short to live miserable.
I felt a little bit sorry for myself because I left my home country for him, but I have 2 great kids (Teenagers).
Then I met the next assclown,
Hi all….i have posted before but I think it must be an old thread!
I am currently on day 8 of NC after a 6 year on/off thing with an EUM. I am finding it very difficult and am definitely looking for grey areas…an excuse to make contact again really. This sounds really stupid but I am wondering now whether he might have some form of Asperger’s Syndrome. His son is autistic and one of his daughters seems to display some traits..struggles in social situations and has difficulty making friends etc. Anyway, the EUM just cannot talk about emotions, he panics and disappears. He doesn’t seem to be able to empathise fully and reacts with shock when I tell him that he hurts me. He is a very difficult man, extremely intelligent and in some ways very sensitive, but the more I read about Asperger’s the more I can relate it to him. He also has low self esteem, amongst other thing he says he says adults returning to education is stupid…even though I am a mature degree student. The Asperger’s thing is making me feel guilty, that I have expected behaviour/commitment from him that he simply cannot deliver. I told him last week that I had just stopped feeling anything, like a light had gone out. In my last email to him i told him that I loved him, that i knew he was a good person but his ‘up-and-down-ness’ made me numb and I just wasn’t willing to put up with it any more. His first reply was very angry…said that I appalled him and that I had cheapened his ‘genuine’ feelings for me…but then i got a calmer response, that it wasn’t what he wanted but he would stay out of my life, and that I deserved to have a happy life. He has never told me he loves me, appears very selfish, self-conscious and self-absorbed….but now I can’t stop thinking that he just can’t help it. Does this seem feasible or am I desperately seeking a grey area then I don’t have to face up to this being over?
Finding this site has made me stronger, reading all your stories makes me feel like part of a group and not so lonely. I can’t talk to my friends because I can’t explain the situaation. It has been so on and off and we are both in other relationships…I know this sounds awful but it’s just how it is. I have felt years of guilt.
I would appreciate any thoughts, it’s so hard. Charlie x
Charlie, before I comment on this, would you mind to tell me what you mean by ” It has been so on and off and we are both in other relationships…I know this sounds awful but it’s just how it is.”
Hi Astelle….it’s a loooong story! I have been with my partner for 12 years, he has been with his for 14 years. We met 6 years ago, neither of us having been ‘unfaithful’ before. We were friends for a while and then became more involved….but even then rarely met up and relied mostly on emails and chatting on MSN. Because of the guilt I have experienced and his emotional unavailability we have been on and off for years. There have been stretches of months where we haven’t seen each other because I just couldn’t bare the guilt and fear. We both have children and from my point of view I just wish I had never met him because my life was simple and normal before. My partner is a good man, a good father…but I can’t seem to settle and leave the EUM completely.
I know its wrong, I hope there will be no judgements made.
Sorry, I have reread and parts don’t make much sense! I met the EUM 6 years ago.
Ouch, I would not be the person to advice on this – not judging, people can do what they want – I just can’t understand why you are worried about a man that is in a relationship and you are in a relationship? Maybe work on making your relationship with your partner and father of your kids better?
Let’s say you would leave your current partner for this EUM, you would be on the road to hell.
But, tell me what the real issue is, is this EUM just something to do for you, maybe trying to fix him? Do you want a life with this EUM?
He is not able to do this right now with the partner he has.
Also, if you don’t mind me asking, is this just an e-mail relationship?
Are you guys meeting, sexually involved?
AMEN!
Never,
What a sadistic, narcissistic creep!
Stay strong!
Charlie,
I think you’re making excuses (medical conditions) for this guys behavior.
Why in the world would you be willing to jeopardize a good relationship with the father of your children for this loser????
Gaynor, I know it may sound weird, but I think she is making excuses for herself not him.
Hi Astelle,
Ok, I’ll go along with that.
Hi Astelle – yes i have downloaded the book tonight – think I will be reading late into the night this evening!! My EUM did drink -heavily but never admit to having a problem despite becoming increasingly abusive & uncontrolllable when drunk – I stopped going out with him socially altogther in the end his moods became that unmangeable -since our split ive had numerous drunken phonecalls in the night – I even had to go out & find him one night as he had got in to such a mess he collapsed in the street – did not get any thanks for rescueing him though -oh and you dont have to wonder what he will text next – been having a pizza night in with one of my housemates tonight and got a text from – asking if I would liketo go for sunday lunch with him & his mother tomorrow as she is staying for a few days ………………………………this is simply madness on another level, Ive been nc with him for nearly 2 weeks! why the hell would I want to go over & have lunch with him & the mother who ive never met after all the ‘I cannot be in a relationship with you & it is over’ and worse the abusive messages where I a b*tch who has used him for the last 2 years!!! ?? what goes through his mind?? is he for real?? I ignored the text and still maintaining NC!!x
Never,
He’s just trying to get any kind of response. Pathetic, isn’t he!
Gaynor, just how I feel, can’t really explain it.
Nevergoingbackthere, Ugh, I believe you are dealing with a Narcissist, now you are supposed to meet his Mom?
What goes thru his mind? Are you kidding me??
Is he for real?? Are you kidding me???
He drinks heavily – I call them alcoholics – confirms to me again that he will not go away that easy. Don’t be flattered, who wants to pick up a drunk in the street.
Here is your chance to cut him off completly -take it.
You know, until I met my jerk I had no clue about alcoholics, I drink, I am German and Germans drink like fish, socially:) but I had to educate myself about alcoholics and that is why my friends are afraid that he may show up at my house drunk and cause problems.
I am a grown woman and had no idea that drinking can change your personality, I am just familiar with hangovers once in a while.
You know what, if you make it just thru the next 4-6 weeks you could be fine. Finish the book and do the exercises, this could be the best therapy for you.
I logged out and can’t remember my password…not sure whether this will post.
I have just written a long post…but I have deleted it because it sounds self-pitying. I think maybe this is the wrong place for me to post. I have my own issues/past that play a part in this situation but ultimately of course I am doing something wrong. Thanks for replies so far but I’ll leave it there, maybe I need to do the unsent letter thing rather than inviting comments on something that I cannot explain/understand/justify.
Astelle – I have no idea why you think I am making excuses for myself? That makes no sense to me. I have been too focused on him definitely…trying to work him out, understand his behaviour…but I do not see how my doing doing this is making excuses for myself. It must seem crazy that I have a good man but I choose to focus on a man who treats me badly…but i guess we all have our own baggage, this isn’t all about the man.
Charlie,
I don’t know what kind of feedback you were expecting?? I hope you change your situation for the sake of your children, partner and yourself.
Charlie, don’t be discouraged to post, we all have have our own issues, so this is not the wrong place to post. Just because I may not be of much help, other people will. Please, don’t take my opinion as the gospel, it is just my opinion and how I feel, I am not speaking for anybody else.
Invite the comments, post your long post, you want and need to feel better, that is what brought you here.
If my comments offended you, I apologize.
Charlie, reason that I said you are making excuses for yourself:
You are in a relationship (married?) with somebody and you have kids, why not put your energy in this relationship and your kids instead of this EUM?
Your focus is on this man, but it should be on your kids and your partner – if you are not happy with your partner why don’t you get out? – Rather than cheating emotionally on him, that is all I am saying.
Astelle,
You have no reason to apologize.
Cheating is a destructive and very selfish act. There is never, ever a reason to cheat on a partner. If you are unhappy, then get out!
Saying that one has emotional “baggage” seems to be an excuse to cheat on a loved one in this case.
Ok, I promised myself I wouldn’t continue on this thread…but I feel that I need to put my point of view across. I know that it is wrong to cheat, I never have before. At first I struggled terribly with the guilt, suffered a bout of anxiety and depression and broke contact. Over the years I suppose I have kind of normalised it…it’s maybe a coping mechanism. This is mainly an emotional connection, physically there has been some contact but only 4 times in 6 years and it has never ticked the boxes for me…it’s the emotional connection I crave, not the sexual connection.
I am not using my ‘baggage’ as an excuse…I obviously won’t go into on here now though because it has already been suggested that I am using it as an excuse or to validate my behaviour. Gaynor I hadn’t really thought about what sort of feedback I expected…i just needed to talk. I have cut contact with this man for the umpteenth time, my reasons being the emotional damage, the kids, the partners….I am not a robot..far from it. For some reason I have not been able to get out of the cycle. He contacts me, I respond, he blows hot, I get carried along, he starts to blow cold, I cannot believe he’s done it again, I get hurt and we go around 6 months without contact…then he contacts me again.
Just because I am in a relationship does not mean that I am not as vulnerable as those who aren’t. I find it very difficult to accept genuine love and real emotional intimacy, I have fear of abandonment…my involvement with this EUM means that I am somehow safe…even though he hurts me. It is not clear cut, even though the black and white of it is that I am doing something awful, risking my family’s wellbeing.
Charlie33, I have just read through your comments after seeing your most recent one. I don’t want you to feel that you can’t comment and it may be that this is not the best thread for that if you find the feedback difficult because the post is about looking for shades of grey so of course, people are bound to point out when you make those shades.
It’s not for anyone to judge you and I don’t think anyone is but I think that what you are writing brings a number of conflicts and confusions.
It is clear you are vulnerable, hurt, and trying to make sense of what you are doing and who you are. What I will say to you is your last paragraph in particular makes sense of what you are doing but in knowing that you are doing this, it does put you in the position of doing something about the situation rather than sinking into it and being resigned.
I don’t think that there is one person here who doesn’t empathise with feeling emotionally confused, being scared, and the many fears that you no doubt go through. The difficulty is that words do come across differently and so people being straight forward with you may seem harsh.
That said, this isn’t the type of place where you can get shades of grey from the readers too so what you have to ask yourself before you comment is whether you are willing to see what is happening in a more real light rather than deny it or ignore it, because if you’re not, it is better to wait till you are ready, or feel the fear of reading other opinions but go ahead and keep commenting.
I will always be compassionate and understanding but I don’t do BS – it would be wrong of me to tell you that how you’re being treated and what you are engaging in is ok. It would also be wrong of me to say ‘Charlie33, eff it, you’re scared, you have issues. Keep doing your thing and don’t deal with it.’ I really feel for you and I hope that you can figure this out. Good luck x
Thank you NML. I do want honest opinions, I have spent 6 years trying to find the shades of grey, trying to justify myself, justify the EUM. I haven’t sought advice because I know that the really vulnerable people in this situations are the ones who are unaware of it, and because of this I felt that I didn’t deserve to be listened to in a way when I am the one in the wrong.
I am desperate to get out of this situation…for the first time I genuinely want it to be over…but I am scared that when it IS over, that I will start to focus on my ‘real’ relationship, which means I will have to deal with my ‘stuff’..build up my self esteem etc. For the first time I broke contact with the EUM without any anger, told him that I had just stopped feeling and I have now blocked his email address etc. I am dealing with it. This site has been amazing…it has been the catalyst for me ending it, it gave me the strength to make that break….I guess my first post on here was me trying to justify his behaviour.
When he is around I let everything else slide, my parenting, my relationship, my uni work, housework, routine..basically my grasp on reality. It’s like I get obsessed and then when it falls apart again I am left with a sense of shame, guilt and embarrassment. I cannot do it any more. I do love my partner, he doesn’t deserve this..I don’t deserve this!! I need support of those who understand…I really don’t want to be judged because I am my own biggest critic.
Thank you so much for the replies, I have taken every single one on board and the ones which stung are the ones which have galvanised my decision to end this for good. Thank you ladies and NML this site is like a wake up call! x
Hi Charlie 33– I have posted a few times where I found myself feeling defensive. I think part of the reason people join this site is that they are looking to find out that it’s not their fault, and to justify what they are doing. I made a lot of mistakes with my EUM actually to the extent that I questioned if he was EUM because I realized I was clingy and controlling and wondered if he was actually “normal” and it was just me being paranoid of abandonment that caused me to destroy the relationship.
The thing I learned in talking with certain people on here is they were not there during your relationship. It’s important to be self honest, but you cannot take the entire blame. My best friend always reminds me your part of the blame in a relationship is somewhere between 10 and 90, no one takes 100%. So, the point is part of putting it out here on the table is that some of these women (and men) may be blunt about what you are doing. At first it sucks because what you really want is for someone to say this is not your fault, it’s all this man and his issues. But this isn’t a “it’s not you it’s me situation” it’s “it’s not you it’s us.” This is about 2 people creating a toxic situation.
from what I can see from your thread, the fact that you and your (we’ll call him) EUM are with each other, but not fully functional but meanwhile in other relationships clearly indicates that nothing is normal about this. You cannot focus on one relationship if you have another in your life that similarly requires effort and then there is the relationship with yourself that seems to be suffering the most. Relationships are tough work, so having 2 only complicates matters further and means you are dividing your positive energy between too many people.
The first question is what are you doing involved in multiple relationships? By having the one it means you don’t have to focus on the other, and most importantly all the drama means you don’t have to focus on you.
Most of all though, THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. I got defensive because it really hurt to hear that I had issues that had contributed to the demise of my relationship. But in the end, you need to be strong and face that if you are going to fix it because the alternative is continuing to be anxious and miserable in toxic relationships.
I hope you feel better and comfortable to continue posting here.
Thank you Dazed…I really appreciate your comments, they make sense to me!
I have spent a huge amount of time totally focusing on this man, who is emotionally unavailable to me, and I think to his partner as well. This is the first time I have really seen it in the context of ‘reality’…that it’s not all about me and him. He has hurt me many times, I have let myself be hurt many times. We do have something which makes us keep revisiting the relationship…we like each other until we get too involved, then the whole thing explodes. We have tried to be friends, often he has said that he would rather us have a meaningful friendship than some sort of cheap affair, but I always end up getting too emotionally involved. He does want the physical side of things, but neither of us can deal with having the friendship AND physical side because for me it feels too much like an ‘affair’ and I can’t handle the guilt, and for him it’s just too much to handle full stop.
I love my partner, he is sensitive, emotionally healthy, a good father and my best friend. I think I am scared to invest fully because by somehow hedging my bets I am staying safe emotionally. He has done nothing wrong, he respects and loves me. I do not feel that I have a hole in my life, I am not lonely I just happen to have met another man who I have feelings for…I have no interest in having a relationship with anyone else.
I thought I was over it, we had 9 months of NC from February to November and although I missed him and he was in my thoughts every day it didn’t hurt any more. But then he contacted me and I couldn’t resist. We didn’t meet up and I decided after a couple of weeks to end it. I was calm about it and there was no drama…he responded angrily initially but then accepted what I said. There has never been any talk of being together properly, he has never said he loves me, he will never discuss emotions and panics when I do. He is full of energy and passion when he first makes contact…this time he was saying he wanted us both to get a tattoo that means something to both of us, that he wants us to spend more time together talking and ‘just holding each other’. He gradually seemed less and less attentive (over the space of a couple of weeks) but swore blind that he had not noticed this…he seemed genuinely shocked that I felt things were ‘weird’ between us. When I confronted him about how I felt he literally told me he had to go because he just couldn’t talk about stuff like that with me and then when I told him I couldn’t do it any more he told me that he had genuine feelings for me and was determined this time to make it work, ‘within our own little bubble’. But I have had enough.
I appreciate that people reading this might be wanting to focus on the fact that I am with somebody else, and none of this should matter..but I really need feedback on this to help me get my head around it and move on. I shouldn’t be doing this, I shouldn’t be worrying about this, but the fact is that I am and I need help.
I don’t know whether he feels anything, whether he has completely used me, whether he is incapable of feeling properly….I just feel like I need to work it all out to enable me to put it in a box and move on.
Sorry for rambling, it just helps so much to write it down and know that it will be read by others. I know it’s all a bit disjointed, I tend to write as I think! Thanks x
I watched the movie Love Actually last night… have any of you seen it? One of the couples in the movie is a man, cheating on his wife with his secretary who actively pursues him knowing he is married. She is young and attractive, the wife is ageing, sees herself as fat, but has been the hard working wife and mother of two for many years. She discovers the affair at the end… my heart broke.
I have been a cheater and the other woman before. When I was younger, being the other woman I did not care, I was selfish felt it wasn’t my problem if someone’s relationship was not going well from which I could benefit. As you get older though you start to learn why relationships flounder at times… even good ones. My parents have gone through tough years, that is what really tests a marriage. It is not supposed to be fun and romance all the time. It is about a partnership.
What the movie reminded me of last night is that women need to be more supportive of women. Jumping in as the other woman when you hear a man say his relationship not going well is just contributing to societies changing ways in which we feel there is always another option. We are making the grass greener when we are the other woman. We are offering excitement, commitment free excitement that is obviously more appealing at times then returning home to your spouse, children, bills and conflict.
I guess the thing that I have awoken to is the fact that at some point I would like to be married, with children, working through those tough times and I would like to think that some, possibly younger, other woman is not going to come along and simply offer my husband an easy way out. Yes, I recognize that this is a man’s choice as well not to cheat but monogamy is hard, we all know this, many studies indicate that settling with one mate is actually contrary to human nature. So ladies, let’s not make it even easier by being willing to let someone have us, without the commitment. let’s be faithful to other’s both men and women and by respecting ourselves, also respect the house that we do not know at home and what they have likely put into to a relationship and let’s not make it easy for their partner to walk away from their problems and simply get what they want.
I just felt it was important to start realizing that we are all responsible for the damage caused.
Dazed,
Great post!!!!
Dazed….that’s a really good post. Definitely food for thought x
This site is saving my life and I ironically just found it less then a week ago. It pushed me to use the NCR. I had been with my assclown for 2 years. During that time although we talked almost everyday and saw eachother many times a week, we went through phases or levels of “commitmentâ€. Some months i would practically live with him and only go home to get more clothes. . .some weeks I would only see him once or twice. I let him consume my entire life and let him emotionaly abuse me and tick away at my self-esteem. When I met him i was severly overweight and he was this confident attractive successful guy I thought really liked me. He told me about 6 months into seeing eachother he could not commit until I lost weight. He said everything was perfect with me. . .I was his bestfriend. . .how beautiful I am. . .blah blah blah. Well guess what? I lost 90lbs. I look HOT now and is he ready? NO! I had discoverd that his EX before me. .who i imagine he was still seeing when we met, ended things with him via the NCR. I tried to apply it many times before when he would act out or dissapoint me and each time I swore I would not go back. But it never worked. I would not answer calls, ignore texts and I even changed my phone number. He would contact my friends to try and get to me, call my work using a fake name, email me that he had changed and so on. A few months ago he told me he met someone else and could not be with me anymore because I reminded him too much of his EX. I thought I was litteraly going to crumble into dust. I was so hurt and angry and he would commit to a stranger and not me after all this time. He called me the very next day and acted like nothing ever happened. He begged me to come and have dinner with him and I went like a fool, because I needed him to need me to want me back. He turned me into the other women for two months when finally I met someone else. I told him and he freaked he kept calling and asking what I want him and I to be what I need from him. I went back again and he took a call from her infront of me! I was livid I went to storm out and he asked me to please come by the next day to “talk†about us. The next day I got a text saying “We don’t need to talk she is my girlfriend and that is that†I was stunned stupidly again. I knew then that the only way to stop him from hurting me was NC. He called the next day and when I didnt answer gave me an ultimateum, that if I did not call him back in one hour and meet with him to “talk†he would never call me again. . .GOOD! I did not call. Two days later the emails started. . .The one that got me was “I have been doing some serious brainstorming .. and realized that you are a great person. Hopefully the person for me. So I broke up with the girl that I was seeing for the past few months because its not fair to anyone for me to be with someone other than the person that I connect with best. So if you still want me to be part of your life then give me a call. if not… i understand†I waited two more days through two more emails inviting me to a black tie event and so on. . .Then I called. . .he was like “OH MY GOD i thought i was never going to see you again. . .I am so happy now. . .I was so effected by you leaving me†I thought he got it he finally saw the light and how much he cared about me. . .WRONG again. On tuesday I picked him up from work. . .we went to his place and I saw a pair of her shoes there! I said I thought you told me it was over with her and you broke it off with her to be with me. his respone “Im not ready to be in a commited relationship with anyone. . .lets take it day by dayâ€. I pathetically let him talk me into staying that night but the next day I found this site and I knew it was over. . .I sent him this on friday “I have been doing some serious brainstorming . . . I made a mistake. I realized that I came back this last time for a reason that you made perfectly clear the other night, no longer exists and I can’t pretend anymore. I really have changed in the past six months and it is no longer acceptable to me to be in a situation where I am relegated to being “the other woman†or some back up girl. You no longer have the luxury of being ambiguous, vague and indecisive with me. I would not be able to be true to the person I am now if I tolerated this. If that is the kind of girl you want in your life you will have to look elsewhere, I am not her. †I have blocked his phone number and all email addresses! It has been two days and I know that it wont always be this hard. I also know it wont always be this easy but I can find comfort in the fact that I took the control back in my life and I rejected him in the end. The ultimate push was fear. I feared being hurt by him over and over again and I don’t think I could have been ok with myself if I was not the one to put an end to it. I stand on this. . . I know him, he is not alone right now. . .that poor girl is stroking his ego as I write this but I dont care. . .that is her problem now because I refuse to be the girl he makes miserable for the rest of her life!
Stephanie – Stay strong…these guys never change. They are USERS and will do anything to NOT commit, yet they can’t commit to breaking up either. Yeah you for losing 90 pounds!!! If you can do that, then you can lose this assclown! All of the ladies on here have been through similar situations and we feel your pain…good luck!
I agree completely with whatever is given in this article but I have to say that I am really sick of myself now.My EUM and I had a really bitter fight about 2 months back so much so that he refused to speak to me,respond to my messages and treated me really badly.I decided to try and forget him then and there and followed NC for quite some time though I found it very difficult to forget him.Then suddenly after 25 days I could not hold on anymore and so I called him.He did speak to me but was quite harsh and said quite a few things that hurt me a lot.At that point I realised the futility of the entire exercise and decided that this man would not be able to give me anything-time,affection or attention.I just moved on with my life and there was another period of NC for about 10 days.Suddenly about 10 days back he called me.Initially I was reluctant to talk to him because this has already happened so many times in the past.But after the initial anger I started talking to him like nothing had ever happened.Now I truly regret it.I don’t know why he does not let me move on…Probably I do not let myself move on.I do not know why despite all the pain he has given me in the past I still continue to entertain him.I am not sure if I like him anymore…But I am not able to ignore his calls.The worst part is now after that conversation I feel like talking to him again and again which I know I shouldn’t be doing cos’ this has only given me much pain in the past.God,is there any way I can put an end to this ordeal?
Brooke
You already know the answer to your ordeal is no contact – absolutely none. Accept that the relationship isn’t working and move on. Ask yourself why would you want to force a man to love you. Be in a relationship with you. Ask yourself how much he values the relationship and then look at how he treats you. Is he worth the lies, disappointment, up’s, down’s? Do you want him THAT bad that you are willing to toss your self-respect out the door? Do you want him at any emotional cost?
It’s tough when you love somebody and they treat you like crap, but you’ve got to start somewhere. My ex-EUM used to engage in shit#y behaviour until I pulled the plug on that one. I changed my number and blocked him EVERYWHERE on my computer/Internet. I did slip up when I accepted a phone call at work from him. As soon as I discovered that there was no apology, down when the phone and the “conversation” was over. (At that time if he had apologised I would have considered friendship in the future, but his behaviour proves that I can NEVER have contact with him – EVER again)
So start and stick with no contact. You can do it Brooke!
It is much easier to hold your head up high when you have ALL of the control. The more you constrict their ability to affect you the more you regain the power. It is day 4 for me and I guess I did not correctly block him from one of my emails because I got this message. . .Even after I sent him the one that reads above in my eairler post. . .”What happened to you. . .You have a lot going on inside you and its best that you take some time to figure out where your head is. I’m not going to plead for you to come back this time because I don’t think that you are emotionally stable enough to be a part of my life. Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out.” It really pissed me off!! I have no intention of contacting him but the fact that he got any words near me makes me angry. The thing is I think the curiosity of it all is the tough part here. I should have never opened the email I should have deleted it and that way deleted any power it could have to make me feel a certain way. I could not believe how dilluted and in denial he was to write those things . . .HELLO wake up you seriously pathetic poor excuse for a man. . .You are the one that is unstable and has issues. . .My only issue was I thought you were worth my time! (This made me think wait . . .maybe he didnt get my message ending it the other day yet. . .maybe I should send it to this email. I wanted him to know I ended it first. I supose he figured that out when he realized his number was blocked and I did not pick up the 5 calls I got yesterday from his office). The honest truth is. . .It doesnt matter as long as it is over. I know now after reading all of your posts that it would just continue the cycle. Ladies just do the best you can to really cut them out of your life. . .instead of not answering the call BLOCK THE NUMBER. . .EMAIL, FACEBOOK. . .ect everything. If they can’t get to you then your feelings become your own. He can not make you feel any certain way anymore, so how you let the situation affect you is all up to you.
Stephanie – I have been down this road so many times!!! even though I moved out of the house I was sharing with my ex eum because I could not take anymore of his compulsive, abusive behaviour I went on to spend a further 3 months going back & forth to him after he would not leave me alone and promised things would be change(it never did, it just got worse & abuse cycle more frequent) its always the same with these men – they dont really want you (not in a normal mature way anyway) but they certainly dont want anyone else to have you – or for you to get on with your life!! so they will try & maintain contact anyway they can, its taken me a very long 3 months to realise that no matter what they say or promise – they just cannot deliver (ever) they cant commit to being with you but they cant quite commit to not being with you either and I found everytime I responded in any way (even angrily telling him not to contact me again) – I would be the one to come off being more upset and it would just push my recovery back even further as ulitmately they always win, the only way you ever will is by ignoring them and getting on with your life (I think most eum are also narcissists & the worst thing for a narcissist is to be ignores!!) I will tell you about when of the last times I was pulled in responding to contact – my ex, called me over a period of 5 days, text to say he needed to talk & that he had even been to my house but I wasent in, I was still down & hurting & trying to ignore him was so hard, I suppose I was curious to and I was still a little deluded thinking ‘maybe this time he has really realised he wants me’ so I took his call eventually and he persuaded me to go and meet him for a drink, when I got there he sat me down and started to tell me how he wanted to make sure I knew it was really over and there was no chance for us ever!!! I was shell shocked – I was the one who walked away from him & he spent a week calling me to tell me this?? he went on to further insult me saying how trapped I had made him feel and how he thought he was always going to be an eternal batchalor as he just couldnt ‘do relationships – and more insulting did I ever really think he would settle down with someone like me!!! – apparentely we could still be friends though!!! I was so floored that I started to cry – i cried my eyes out in a busy bar and he just sat in front of me, cold as ice looking very pleased with himself, I was gutted – like I said he always won, always – I think I was too down to get angry, so i actually just accepted this absurd behaviour then went home & cried myself to sleep – the next day he called me again – left a message saying he had bought chicken for dinner & what time was I going to go over!!!?? that is the madness I was living in, I could go on, his apalling behaviour is endless and I have really had to learn the hard way that No Contact is the only way I am going to get on with my life – im on week 3 now and even though its got back to me that my eum has been out on dates with someone else – he is still trying to contact me!! he even text last Saturday to see if I wanted to go round for Sunday lunch & meet his mum!!??? mad, mad, mad – but Ive got to stay strong as I want to start 2009 off well rid of him, some days are hard – especially with christmas coming up, but everytime I get a bit down and think ‘oh it sucks being alone at christmas’ I have to remind myself – that I was alone when I was with him anway!! keep strong, read the posts, send posts – anything to get you through!!
Stephanie
I can relate to your story. Even though I knew that my ex EUM was a clown, I still cared about him & was willing to invest in the relationship because the begining was good. As soon as he started acting a fool, I knew it was time to bail. He then upped the charm and I actually doubted my judgement about him.
My reasons for slipping on NC, just like you, was curiosity mixed with hope. What was he saying now? That’s why I would take his calls or read the offline messages he would send. I would get “I miss you” texts and the one where he plays the victim: “even thought you don’t love me, I’ll always love you”. These declarations were almost always via email/text. Now that the rose tinted glasses are off, how could anyone pursue a relationship in this fashion? What ever became of a true, in-person apology?
I would listen to his contact only to discover that it was the same old same old of shit#y treatment. Nope, not having that.
Other times, just to get a reaction from me, he would say/write/do something to really pis$ me off and I would retaliate in anger spewing out all the feelings that were bottled up inside me that he refused to ever discuss.
“He loves me.” …. I would get mad and tell him all the horrible things that he did, hoping that he would see the contradiction between what he said and what he did. Nothing happened except my blood pressure went up!
Don’t be suckered in to giving him a response! I love Brak K’s comparsion of EUM’s contact as unwanted, unsolicited human spam. “Delete” all contact with that dude. Do not engage him as this is a “score” for him as he knows you still care and it feeds his ego while delaying your healing. This, I know first hand, is easier said than done.
If you are truly serious of wanting him out of your life, you must stick to NC!
Stephanie, he insulted you with his e-mail, don’t respond, he wants to have the last word to make himself feel better. He is just pi**ed and wants an reaction from you – don’t give it to him or he will tell you more insulting things.
Now that I think about it..every serious conversation my EUM and I have ever had with the exception of maybe 2 at most has been via text. That is the ONLY way this man knows how to communicate. Its sad and pathetic. Even if I tried to call him he wouldn’t answer but he would turn around and send me a text.
Stephanie – Astelle is right…he wants to have the last word and making you think YOU have the problem is just his narcissistic way! Stay strong and keep NC!!
E-mail and txt makes it easier to lie, being on the phone he may be put on the spot and have to answer a question right there and then.!
Brad, human spam, that is too funny, I have to remember that term.
He did it from the very beginning. He travels and is gone 3 or 4 days out of the week and thats all I ever got was text and just played it off as his being out of town but “at least he is thinking about me”…boy, was I stupid! I did notice though, that when he really wanted to talk to his best friend he wasn’t to busy to call him up and have a chat. The only phone calls I got was when he was driving in the car bored or had to vent about work or to ask me what wine I wanted with dinner. Astelle, you are so right about being put on the spot..he would only answer the ones he wanted to anyway..what a coward way out.
Cynnie – I got suckered into this many times too, sometimes his declarations of love would make me so angry after the way he had treated me that I would text back a huge rant on his dispicable behaviour only to then have him ignore me after I had been trying to go NC & ignore him!! I would then be left upset, confused and hurt and constantly waiting for some sort of response/reaction to the cold hard facts about his abuse – I wouldnt even get so much as an apology! like the true coward he is, he would just disappear again then once he thought I had calmed down ( & he didnt have to take any responsibility for his awful behaviour!!) he would send another lame ‘I miss you’ text!! it really is just a merrygoround, now im thinking alot clearer I also see how if he really did have ANY genuine feelings for me at all – he would do so much more than send a few lame damned texts!!! I also see that it would not matter if I tied him to a chair and forced him to listen to all his wrong doings/mis-treatment of me – he would still be the same, still act the same – nothing would change & you shouldnt even need to do this in the first place!! xx
Nevergoingbackthereagain and Cynnie I feel like your stories could be mine. . .I sort of smile because he is the kind of guy that would always want to be told he is “Special”, that there is no one else out there quite like him. Id love to introdue him to your guys and be like “See you idiots your all sad excuses for men, your all the same, your not special and we have you all figured out.” Thanks for the support girls. . .This site has really just opened up my eyes to his “real” behavoir. He just called me from his work number and left a message saying he wants to take me to dinner. OMG its just a classic example of how unstable and delusional he really is. I mean last night you think I need to get my head together and I should not be in your life and now you want to go to dinner? He’s actually insane! Now i am going to block his work number. The more I shut him out the more validation I give myself, that I am above this crap. I realized as I ignored his call that I was not inlove with him or who he really was. I was inlove with the person he was 10% of the time, 100% of the time. I needed a reality check. . .thank god I found this site. I think its fate.
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