Sharing the Skeletons in Your Closet

January 26, 2006 by Vixen

A skeleton is a secret, a past indiscretion, an error in judgement and choices that you have made in the past. Something that you may be ashamed of, but ultimately have learned from.

Everyone has skeletons in the closet. I’m sure off the top of your head you can come up with a few scenarios that you wouldn’t want your significant other to know right away. It’s not that you are lying per se, it’s just that you don’t tell every him or her the minute you meet them your whole life story. After all, you have to maintain your aura of mystique, the charming allure that allows people to want to know more about you.

The rules of disclosure vary with each individual. A lot of my friends have secrets that they agree that they will take to the grave. Some people believe that what is in the past should stay in the past and should never be brought up. The only fault I find with this scenario is that secrets tend to come back to haunt you, and wouldn’t it be better to have given him a fair warning before the shit hits the fan?

I feel with all relationships, some disclosure is required. Once you have been dating a guy for a significant period of time, and you feel comfortable in his presence, eventually you have to tell some of your sordid, dirty little secrets. The question is when?

Timing is everything. Even the most banal secret can become a cauldron of disaster if not dealt with properly. You don’t want to tell him too early, or you might scare him away. Also, not too late, ‘cos you know guys need ~~forever~~ time to process!

I’ve realised that I tend to get comfortable a tad early when sharing my business. Therefore, I’ve adapted a rule of thumb. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine”. I use this rule very religiously. By the time he feels comfortable enough with me to tell me about the affair he had with a married woman, I’m usually more than ready to dish about my…um…picadillos as well. Plus co-sharing gives you deeper bonds of friendship and doesn’t let the other person feel as vulnerable.
However, in this process, there are some facets that you need to keep in mind.
- First of all, there has to be a strong foundation of trust. And trust is not given immediately, it’s earned over time. A lot of women I’ve come across fail to realise and utilise this fact.
- You also must have a strong foundation of friendship. After all, only true friends can accept the torrid truth about you without being judgmental about it and not throw it in your face.
- Third, you must have mutual respect for each other and be willing to accept that their view of you might change. It shouldn’t, however we do live in an imperfect world.
- Last but not least, communication. You have got to tell the whole truth when you are ready to bare your soul, or let them know that there are still some secrets that are too painful to share. This is not the time when you lie…because lies tend to catch up with you. And why come clean if you are going to lie? It doesn’t make sense.
Secrets can be destructive and eat at you from the inside out. Sometimes, you might feel the burden of sharing is not worth the benefit, but keep in mind that by airing your laundry, you establish a deeper level of trust in your relationship.