I still shed tears tho. But maybe I should mention at this point that I both laugh and cry very easily!

So, having read that in July, what makes him think I would want to be friends on FB? Is he trying to hurt me? Or just oblivious? I guess, like many EUM/Assclowns, they would feel a lot better about themselves if we accepted the friend card. That way they don’t have to feel bad about hurting us.

And he always seems to drop his little contact bombs when I’m PMSing or just starting my period!

I also have found lots of help in a very demanding exercise regimen, which also has the benefits of opening up to a new circle of friends.

And yes, I’m back today because of more tears. But really I’m getting downright bored with feeling heartbroken. This WILL change. But I wonder, maybe because our feelings are true and deep and not fickle, that is why it takes time to get over and move on. My head and heart were dialed to “forever” for this man, I just can’t turn it off like there was some reset button.

I think you need a reality check – they ARE cute and nice and sweet and funny when they are not in a position for you to expect anything from them. It’s a mask – and because they are so shallow they forget that perhaps you will remember things they said and did which they’ve lost track of …

I’m finding going to the gym really helps with the upset of it all. If I am crying now it’s (usually) cos I am hobbling like a woman of 90 after doing too much too soon

If you’re healing, why are you dating? is what NML would say.

“It’s always good to keep it real, even if it’s painful to look at because you can make progress and ensure you don’t fall back down a slippery slope.”

Thanks NML. There is such an important difference in reasons for shedding tears over an AC.

It’s been two years for me, and in the past, every time something happened with my eum/ac I cried and fretted because I wanted him back – I missed him and his attention. This time – which will be the last time – I’m am flipping pissed. It’s the only time I’ve ever really gotten angry with him. And it IS a huge difference to realize that his behavior is absolutely unacceptable to me! WHY in H would I want him? I feel incredibly dumb that I’ve put up with so much for so long, but I just didn’t see what I see now. Yeah, sometimes I want to talk to him, I have the urge to forgive him and be friends and get back to normal…but I know that I never will. When I think about actually hearing his voice and the inevitable lies and whining that come out of that hole, I cringe and want to punch him.

Yeah, he cheated and lied several times, he criticized me and damaged my self-esteem to pump himself up on a regular basis, and he left me multiple times and came back when it didn’t work out with other girls – and finally, slept with a good friend. And though I’ve been incredibly blind to all this in the past. I AM the one now who is rejecting him. And for GOOD. We will never be friends, and I will never think of him as a decent human being. And if he doesn’t already, the idiot SHOULD regret how he’s treated me, because he lost a great deal when he lost me.

He did text me after he said that to me and said that “it is not me, it is him, and he knows I care…” but that is it, no I love you, it was pretty impersonal. About 3 weeks later he texted me after hearing I was in an accident, but just said “wishing you well, heard about your accident, hope you are ok.” I didn’t respond to either text. So in reading this, it sounsd like I am actually the one who actually rejected him since I didn’t respond to his texts, although they didn’t indicate he wanted a reponse. But I have still continued to feel rejected and I don’t know, other than him contacting me to give me the upper hand back, what I can do to get over feeling so rejected. He pursued me for 4 years, were together about 7 months, then he rejected me. Makes NO SENSE!! So while I have been praying for contact from him, if not just to have the decision making process and upper hand restored to me, it seems that others who dumped their AC have the problem of the AC still trying to get them back, and part of me wishes that would happen to me, then part of me knows I would have a hard time dealing with his return. I am not sure which side is better to be on. But I will say, I really wish that he had not stolen my ability to decide what I wanted in our relationship, he decided for me, then dumped me on my ass. I really wish I had the choice to make the decision, and that would make me feel enpowered, increase my self esteem/dignity, and make things a bit easier for me. On the other hand, I would have to be strong enough to say NO to him, if he did contact me. I will always love him. But being in control of my life is really important to me, and he took that away from me and reduced me to trying to restore my dignity. I worry that he has the satisfaction of being the one to ruin my life and gets his willies knowing he can treat women however he wants…

The EUM specializes in easy and lightweight non threatening contact – forwarding email jokes instead of writing thoughts, leaving messages instead of talking, dropping off boxes instead of face to face, …all lightweight and impersonal modes of communication.

We used to sit waiting for some meaningful and mutual validation of the relationship and it just did not happen. We now need to sit and wait for us to know, really know, that he cannot or will not engage in ways we want, those of a mature man. Though the truth is fully logical, it is sometimes hard to accept the truth.

Someone wrote elsewhere that her real goal is to finally be able to see him, look at him, even talk to him and see the truth; that he is not someone you really want at all. Keep on keeping on.

It has been nearly 8 months of NC, with the exception of, he can order my products off my website.

Today, for the second time, he left me empty boxes on my curb.

While we were together, it had been the practice that he would give me small cardboard boxes to mail my products to my customers. Recycling. Because of friends doing this, I don’t have to use new packaging.

But to find that pile on my curb means, 1) I have to think about him again, and 2) he came by my house!!!

I broke NC and emailed him this: “please don’t do that again. it’s weird and creepy, what if i had been at home in my front yard. it breaks my heart all over again, get lost, give your empty boxes to somebody else.”

Empty boxes is exactly what he has to give.

Now I must go block his email address.

Boo Hoo!