Signs your relationship may be in trouble

May 2, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante

wooden man running - Your partner lists their relational status as Swinger
- Your partner logs into your email and replies to your new messages
- You’ve stopped having sex (with each other)
- You’ve started having sex (with other people)
- Your partner only calls during arranged “check in” times

- You only spend time together when one or both of you have been drinking
- Your partner’s neighbors have begun to look at you with a mix of sympathy and amusement
- You have to ask your friends to call your partner and try to convince him/her that you are not cheating
- You consider any time away from your partner a “vacation”
- You have to literally attach yourself to your partner to ensure that people know he’s yours and only yours
- You begin introducing yourself as “_____’s girlfriend,” as if you have no other identity
- You begin introducing yourself as “_____’s boyfriend,” to make sure that every other guy in the room has a clear understanding of your ownership rights
- You spend more time convincing your partner to stay with you than you do actually being with him/her
- Your mother buys you 3 free sessions with a couple’s therapist
- Your mother buys you a hooker
- Servicing yourself could be considered your new part-time job
- You find your partner on a personals site
- You find them because you are also a member of the site
- You find yourself in competition with them…for the same person
- They’ve taken to patting you on the back and kissing your cheek
- You find yourself far too excited watching erectile dysfunction commercials
- Other people laugh then cover their mouths when you refer to your partner
- You have them listed in your phone as “Satan” or “Psycho”
- Your behavior could be considered stalking in the greater 48 states
- They tattoo your name into their chest. With a knife and a pen.
- A night in with your laptop and The Gilmore Girls takes a front seat to a night with your partner.
- Faking your own death and moving to a desert island crosses your mind daily
- His other girlfriend shows up in her second trimester
- He starts a conversation, “Now I don’t think it’s contagious, but…”
- And finally….the county has ordered you to stay at least 100 feet from him at all times.
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