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Is it possible to meet the right guy at the wrong time in life? If so, can you ever go back and start again in that relationship. Because of my recent relationship brreakdown, which I’ve written about, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching regarding what love really is.Who I am and what I want. Also, learning to love myself. Theres a lot going on at one time and sometimes it all feels a bit confusing, hence the ask for advice. I had a relationship prior to the last doomed one, this lasted eight months and was the first relationship I’ld had in years. We started off as friends, and it grew, it was the first thing I never rushed into and it felt stable, secure and on occasions if Im honest, a bit boring…Of course at that time I was waiting for the knight in shining armour, hearts, flowers and romance…which ironically came very soon after and ended up being mr manipulator.
The problem with this relationship, as I saw it, in the end, was that he couldn’t have children, I wanted them. He had a wife (though seperated for three years), who was in constant contact with him as he shared custody of their child, I often felt that she used him as a babysitter, and any plans that we might make had to be side-stepped to accommodate her requests, I felt that having been able to do that for three years, it was gonna take some time to change the habit. The constant dialogue between them made me feel very uncomfortable and insecure, she had ended their marriage after 11 years as she had fallen out of love. He had been married prior to that for 5 years and had a child from that marriage too, however, that ‘baggage’ seemed very much a part of the past and I could deal with that. I can remember it was his sons 21st birthday and they were having a party which he wanted me to attend, I refused to go, I felt that under no circumstances would an event with his ex-wife, his wife be a comfortable event for me…I just did not want all of his baggage rubbed in my face like that. I ended the relationship partly because of these reasons, and partly because I found him emotionally quite ungiving of his feelings. He did tell me he loved me after five months, I had to prize these feelings from him and was told that he hadnt used the words for a long time (the wife before, three years earlier).
When the relationship ended, I simply had a bad day with him, he left my home (we live an hour or so apart so would alternate weekends at each others homes), I didnt contact him, after a week he sent me an e-mail saying he guessed it was over as I hadnt contacted him. He then sent back a necklace I had bought him which said the word love on it, this also upset me. He had always stated that he wanted to remain friends if we split up, rather than not have me in his life at all, this was further clarification, to me, that he couldn’t possibly love me, as how could he be friends…I felt a bit hard done by at the time, when we began seeing each other, he had told me he had had the snip, therefore couldn’t have children, at that point I thought it was sufficient to just ask whether he would consider having it reversed, he said yes. SOme time into the relationship, I realised that he probably wouldnt be able to have children at all as he had had treatment for cnacer which would have left him sterile. When I asked him whether he would consider options, he told me it would cost a lot and we could both end up with our hearts broken. I felt that if he had outlined this at the beginning of the relationship, I would have been able to make a more informed decision as to whether I wanted to be in it or not. Our final contact was when he contacted me some weeks after we’d split up to tell me he was at his nan’s funeral.. By this time I had met the manipulator, and texted him to tell him I didnt want to know, I am so embarrassed and disgusted that I did that. We did not speak for some months, then I sent a few mails, and he sent them back. When my relationship split up with the manipulator, I phoned him and we rekindled our friendship. As the months have gone by I have felt twinges of feelings beyond friendship but didnt acknowledge them as I still had to get over the manipulator. We spend a lot of time together at dance classes, and other events and we really have a good friendship…Having had both relationships close together, I cannot say I regret ending this one, I feel that I have had to go through what I have to understand the true meaning of love, the irony is that what we had was more real than anything I’ve ever had before, or had with the manipulator. I have also realised that my wanting children was simply a feeling all caught up in this happy ever after fairytale, the truth is, Im happy not to, again, something I’ve had to learn. As for his ‘wife’, he did divorce her, having initiated proceedings at my request.So some of the major issues have gone, but I dont know what to do….SHould I say nothing and enjoy the friendship…I feel that he is so black and white, he would simply dismiss the idea now…Do I say something? Do I give it time, as Im aware that I’ve only just come out of a really bad relationship? Am I being an airhead? Needy? Ridiculous? I just dont know? And I’ld appreciate any advice, including what I might be doing or thinking wrongly.