Comments on: Standing By Your (Broken) Man – Part One

By: aphrogirl

aphrogirl — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:39:32 +0000

I have made a decision to remain solo, that is – without a man – as I recover from a painful EUM/ AC relationship. Most days are good but there are times when I choose to really explore all the difficult feelings that came from that relationship. In those times I come here for insight, from the postings and them comments, and to share.

I know some women, dead old great grammas’s ..who stood by thier cheating lying man in the 1930′ 40′s and beyond, and who lived out their old years telling young women like me that it is “women’s work”, to do all the work of love, to accept and clean up after the sh**t that men leave behind.

While I have strong feminist beliefs that contradict this..( and I define feminism as the basic premise that men and women are EQUAL partners), I also know that women have been culturally engrained to ” stand by that po’ boy/ man “…. lousy as he may be.

Surely, though, ….there is a middle ground.

Of course, if one is close to middle ground, as Africa alludes to above, then standing by that man who knows middle ground, and working on difficulty is the very best thing love can offer.

But sadly, in the case of the boy/ man you may find, after many months, or years of trying, you can not be anywhere near middle ground …and instead you find that you are on their turf, on their turf only…and that turf is not solid ground, not at all.

So….be awed, be shocked to see and know the truth..but then know your eyes are open and see it for what it is and walk away, knowing that strength comes from judging how capable another is in relationship with you.

All the wishing in the world cannot make another more capable.
xoxox to all those who find themselves here.

By: africa

africa — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:21:33 +0000

I have read the posts and love it. However, I think it makes alot of sense to work with your man if you see that man is very close to what you want in a man. He may not be perfect but he fulfil alot of the needs you have or desire. Some women are secure with who they are and do not look to their man to make them feel that way. Sure I don’t want a woman to be with a man who will make her lose herself and lower her self worth. I think many women stand by their man only because they have no understanding of who they are without them. They often make the mistake of getting into a relationship before truly understanding their needs, wants and direction. I think it would be a good idea to teach young girls how to be strong and consistent by learning this first. I do believe knowledge is power and understanding is wisdom that keeps us from the pits of life. We need to have it in order to overcome even with the men of our lifes.

By: ph2072

ph2072 — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:14:47 +0000

It’s been a while. I’ve missed a LOT whilst traveling. Off to catch up and read more goodness and truth.

By: dlite

dlite — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:56:53 +0000

Wowie!! Amen.

By: no_more

no_more — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:21:50 +0000

NML – you probably hear it many times how people are so glad they found your site, myself included. I read this site daily for strength, to realize where I went wrong and what I am not going to deal with again. I also read the comments of others and how so many wish they would’ve found this site before they allowed themselves to be used, abused and manipulated. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I would’ve listened if I would have found this site while I was still in a relationship with my EUM. I wasn’t strong enough to hear the things I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t care about myself more than I cared about him. Eventhough he was hurting me, he made me believe that he was special and that it was elements in my life, things that I needed to change or he’d just simply tell me this is who I am and if you loved me like you say, you’d understand that. He had my mind so twisted and my life in such an unhealthy place that I wasn’t ready to be rational. Doing that meant I had to hold him accountable and come to the realization of what he is. I wasn’t ready for that, because I wanted to hold on to the illusion. By catering to his needs & denying my own and allowing him to condition me, he had snatched me inside his own bubble and I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

I stood by him no matter what he did, relished the crumbs he gave me and convinced myself he was really a good man that just needed my love and he would eventually change & realize my worth. I dwelled on the happy memories of the past and when he’d run Hot it gave me a false sense of security. If he felt vulnerable, thought I was asking for too much or he couldn’t have his way, he’d shut me out and give me the silent treatment. I was an emotional wreck and for 9yrs I called this love. It’s pathetic what women put with, because of all the things that have been drilled into our heads about standing by our men.Women are nurturers by nature and we easily fall into a vicious cycle accepting bad behavior, that men would never put up with….because it’s been instilled in us to be the backbone of our relationships. It reminds me of that song by country singer Tammy Wynette ‘stand by your man’. Now I am free from that and have the ability to better my life and embrace the truth. I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago.

By: Kissie

Kissie — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:20:31 +0000

AMEN!!! Thank NML!! it’s so true I have aunts, sisters, freinds hell enen my own mother who have “stood by men” in the hopes that these men will change and be real, responsible men and they never do. These women then truely are broken and it’s an incredibly sad thing to see.