Find another room mate like yesterday, preferable a girl and one that you think is respectful and has a job, There are plenty of people looking for rooms, look for them !! get this new roommate to pay the rent up front as they move in, with a deposit…alway’s ask for a deposit, that way this kind of thing is taken care of. Box his stuff up and put it in a corner, change the locks, and text him, he can get his stuff when a envelope with the money due comes through the door. Wake up my dear, this guy is dangerous, run!! And get YOUR life together before you lose everything, including your dignity. I promise if you do this and make it happen over the next week, you will regain your power. I’ve had to do the same, It works

Only in action is there power and grace

First of all I think your blogs are extremely well written, well analysed and hence very useful for all of us women that have several unanwered questions. Thanks to you we have lesser unanswered questions now.

I have known this man for about a year now. He definitely fits into your description of a Mr. unavailable/assclown. Nice guy on the whole, well educated, cultured, also surprisingly kind WITH a guilt conscience. Hence a bit confusing. Why say that is because there are times in my personal experience with him where he has hurt me by being his asshole self and felt, said and also acted on his guilt. And actually tried to distance himself from me for sometime.
However the way you have described a fall back girl, I dont know how much I fit in- I am sure I do or wouldnt be here right now. But each time he has tried to share something intimate and acted nonchalant I have called him on it and he has apologised. He has an ex girlfriend with whom he has a strange relationship. He always says to me and to her because she tells people too that he was nevr in love with her, he wasnt into her, just like the movie he’s just not that into her- But EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT DATE anymore after a few rounds of on and off, now they hang out a lot (without dating) I dont know in what capacity but definitely dont look like in a committed relationship. So they hang out, take a one day trip, etc and still continue to maintain this strange relationship where they are not committed. I feel this would have been alright had the girl not been too involved herself but she has broken up with him twice before because she really really wanted things to move forward.
Can you throw some light on this situation in you understand. i am confused.

Thanks a lot!

good luck!!! (But i think you deserve better!!!

I started no contact with a guy I was seeing 4 months ago after a roller coaster relationship that started 2 years ago when we were both going through a divorce. He had a lot of drama through the divorce and I pretty much stood by his side (and him me) and we went through a lot together although we never really called each other boyfriend/girlfriend – just an odd “friends with benefits” relationship (including him getting an ex stripper pregnant). Anyway, the NC pretty much started when he dropped out of site and I decided not to pursue (yes, I saw the red flags and remained strong as I realized I felt more for him that what I had wanted to). We went three months with no contact and then boom…he popped back in like a bad habit.

He claims he walked away from me because he did not want to pull me into his “toxic world” with the baby mama drama and that he was worried she would go after me (as she has been stalking him). He also told me that he had gotten involved with a woman who had dealt with a lot of custody type of stuff. Long story short, she lost her job and was homeless so she conveniently moved in with him.

After a month of emails, I decided that I needed to see him face to face and get some closure – probably not the best idea. In a nutshell he has told me that this relationship he has found himself “stuck in” is something he does not want. He does not love her but she has helped him out a lot and he feels bad just kicking her out in the street with no where to go. He has also realized that I had broken down all his walls and barriers and made a connection to his heart. For the first time ever, he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. We connected more than we ever have and spent 3 hours in nothing but a deep conversation.

So, now after 4 months he is realizing that he really has found his soul mate in me. Guess I should be relieved that he has finally realized it as I have known it for a long time and just never acted on it. Yes, he is severely a “Broken Man” and I am the Fallback Girl. Our conversation ended when I told him that he was a grown man who needed to learn how to make better choices and “unstuck” himself and that I was not going to just sit and wait for him to get rid of this live in girlfriend that he supposedly has no feelings for.

Not sure if I need to just walk away for good or just stand by and be A FRIEND only and just communicate via email until he works through all this. I know in my heart that his feelings are true but I also know that his actions speak louder than words and at this point, it’s just “words”. I’m a “look me in the eye” type of girl and know when a guy is lying to me. Although I know a lot of men lie, the tears he shed were real and I know in my heart that he was sincere. Just never thought it would get to this and now I guess I’m the one “stuck” as “The Other Woman”…. Any advice would be great as I’m really struggling here.

Great post and reading these two lines made me realize I have reached another milestone in the EUM recovery process. See, my head knew this for years but…I finally now see, after seven months of NC, that he is truly down off the pedestal I built and put him on. This was the hardest thing for me to come to, to really know in my heart that what I created was an illusion.

and I am laughing at the ‘advice’ given to Ashley…“better any man than no man ” Nothing could be furthur from the truth…errr except maybe my idealized EUM creation ))

That is so, so true. It is really something to come into reality this way. We need to accept the disappointment – and for a lot of us, it is quite difficult to face. But we need to have faith in ourselves that we CAN face it – because we most certainly can. And this man is not the end of us!

“We’ve really got to start connecting the dots in our relationships and making choices, even when they are painful because until we believe that we deserve better, we don’t act like we deserve better and back away from poor behaviour.”

“Instead of standing by your broken man, part of your healing is learning to stand by yourself.”

Love it. What more can I say?!

I think it depends on the degree of the look. We have to remember that men are visual creatures and will continue to look at other women, they’re not dead. If the man is obviously ogling a woman in his girlfriend or date’s presence, this is not only disrespectful to the target but also disrespectful to the girlfriend and himself. If that is the case, I am with you and would move on from the creep.

I know that when I register an attractive person, it’s not this long process where I oogle someone and then try to catch more glimpses and then fantasize and then this and that. When I see an attractive person it’s mostly uncontrolled–I’m either standing in front of someone (for example, ordering a cup of coffee), or someone passes and I automatically turn my head because of the motion, whether they be male or female it doesn’t matter. My mind automatically judges that person’s appearance by MY standards of whether he or she is attractive or not and then I move on. It’s not this elongated process where I simply MUST check out everyone and everything and blahblahblah…

And it bothers me when men do this and the behavior is normalized and women accept it…over and over again.

C’mon ladies, is anyone with me on this? Are there men out there like this–committed when committed and NOT constantly looking for external sources of eyecandy to fulfill their wet dreams?

All the while I wasn’t bringing up my issues or questions about his intentions, telling myself “it was too soon, you don’t want to scare him off”, “his father passed away a few months ago, you need to give him some time”, “he just moved, he is overwhelmed with his move”.

However, when we finally did start having the discussions I was amazed and surprised at how this “nice, sensitive, caring and thoughtful” man was not empathetic to or appreciative of my concerns, and not willing to work with me to find solutions on how to keep our relationship moving ahead and in a good place.

I ignored this for about a month (telling myself the things I listed above), but when the issues reared their head again it was too much to ignore.

I had been happy since he came into my life, yes, but the real fact was that I was very happy for a period before he came into my life. The reason was because I had finally worked on me and raised my self esteem (took a couple years and the final purging of another EUM). And when it became obvious that he was only going to have a “relationship” on his terms and he was basically very unsympathetic to my concerns, I just said I’d had enough and walked away. He was upset but not enough to work with me and start compromising. I was done compromising. It’s not a relationship if you are the only one compromising.

It seemed to me that he was very upset, but mainly because someone was telling him “no” and he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Kind of like taking candy from a baby.

What is good about my situation is that, despite him being what I would call a bit of a Peter Pan, he was raised with good morals and decency. He was able to comprehend and understand my issues of feeling badly about his ambiguity and my expectations for our long distance relationship. He said he “didn’t want to do that to me” (make me feel awful with his ambiguity) and that “we were in different places” (about the amount of time we would spend together) so when I said at the end “I can’t do this anymore” and finally “I have to go”, he respected that. There has not been any manipulation, or contact after the breakup.

I’ve digressed a bit -I am sorry – the point of this reply is to say when I started telling my friends and family about the break up – it was the women who have been without relationships for years and years that came up with those old chestnuts like:

“better any man than no man”
“just hang on, maybe he will change,”
“relationships are full of compromises” and finally yes
“men are like rubberbands, use a strategy of disappearing and he will spring back to you.”

To which I responded:

“not really, I was happy before I met him, I’ll eventually be happy without him”
“he’s not going to change, that only happens in chic flicks and lit”
“I have been doing all of the compromising lately”
“strategies are for war, not relationships.”

However, the people that were either in healthy relationships or had high self esteem all agreed that I did the right thing and said things like:

“thank god you didn’t just put up with it and got out”
“I hate to say it, but you did the right thing”
“that’s unfortunate, I am sorry, but you deserve better”

So I’ve been on my own for a little over a month and it’s not easy. I miss a lot of things about him. But I don’t miss the ambiguity, the one sided compromises and the mis-matched intensity of our emotions and intentions. I’m getting out there, starting to date a little bit but mostly I’m beginning to accept my life and reality without him. I wish I could say it’s all roses and butterflies, but what in life is? What is good though, is that I have my dignity, self-respect and self-esteem back to a healthy level.

Thanks for the post NML.

This made me smile as well, I was a glue…I dont know why I was doing this? I dont think he needed me!