Emotional schooling has meant that many of us spend a lot of time and energy pursuing relationships with the wrong men, or working overtime to keep men that we should actually be letting go of. People hear those special words ‘give’ and ‘take’ and just run with them with a misguided idea that they will solve everything. He’s not being attentive? Give him more attention. He doesn’t want to commit? Give him everything you’ve got and then some. He’s not interested? Give him plenty of your energy as you keep pursuing him.

There are two big areas that will always come back to bite a woman in the ass if they behave in this way with a man who will never want her as much as she wants him – When she showers him with material goods and when she showers him with emotions.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a successful woman and for all intents and purposes, it may seem that you have everything going for you and that men should want you. The danger is that in demonstrating your success, sometimes even compensating for weaker areas in the relationship, you can potentially end up appearing to buy his affections. I get emails from women all the time complaining about how they have been with a guy and they were very generous with gifts and finances and he still cheated/left her/emotionally abused her/wasn’t interested. I think that these women forget that unless they’ve been of a golddiger mentality, it doesn’t feel any better when the roles are reversed and a man tries to buy our affections.

Women who pursue emotionally unavailable men are classic examples of women who have far too much emotion to give to the wrong people. Misguidedly there is a belief that if you show just how much you care that he will realise that you are the right woman and miraculously become available. Trust me when I say that you have more chance of walking on water.

I have spoken to enough men and women on both sides of the situation to know that giving to the wrong person, no matter how good your intentions, is very rarely ‘rewarded’. For the women who give too much, this is the reality: When you keep giving and giving and are always there, despite the fact that he has only one foot in the relationship or doesn’t want what you have to offer, he thinks ‘CAN’T SHE SEE I’M NOT INTERESTED?! CAN’T SHE SEE THAT I’M NOT THE ONE FOR HER? CAN’T SHE TAKE A HINT? WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR HER TO GET THE MESSAGE’. Not really very nice is it?

Yes, these guys could just open up their mouth’s but that would require them to have balls and not fear confrontation. And, let’s be truthful: How many of us have suffered with I’m Hearing Him But I’m Not Listening syndrome? With some women, it doesn’t matter what the guy says, she will still be there as sure as the sky will be above your heads. The type of guy that gets swept up in things because he doesn’t have the guts to bring about the type of conversation that might lead to a confrontation, eventually just ‘succumbs’ to what is happening. The reality is that both parties end up miserable in the end because in a situation like this, neither party is getting what they want.

Charming as it may seem, being the girl who gives everything for her man, regardless, is not a badge of honour. Don’t keep throwing everything plus the kitchen sink at men that don’t deserve you because the reality is that they will NEVER appreciate it and you deserve better.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .

Natalie (NML) – who has written posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.


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4 Responses to Stop Giving To Men That Don’t Deserve or Want It

  1. Gigi says:

    okay. Good advice. Let’s say one is living with a man who says he loves us but is not in love with us. Let’s say these people have never had sex because the guy isn’t attracted to the woman but she’s attracted to him. Let’s say this woman has done exactly what you said not to do above and has “worn the guy down” and now they are living together (although he expressed the interest first when she asked if he knew anyone who needed a roommate) and what started out as a roommate arrangement has morphed into something else, but don’t know what…still haven’t had sex, or even a kiss…but sleep together in the same bed everynight. Let’s say that said guy refuses to discuss the relationship when she brings it up saying only that he prefers to keep things “day-to-day” and to see where “this is all going”…for the past three years. Let’s say this said man says that he’s more comfortable being friends with women and has lots of women friends…which would be fine except that he’s had sex with them or has expressed that he finds these women attractive…but states that woman has nothing to worry about and to date, the woman is almost certain he has not been with another (because he’s home almost everynight and no other tell-tell signs of a relationship). Let’s say that the woman speculates that his man doesn’t tell his women friends that he’s living with someone nor does he tell his “true” close women friends that he’s “with” this woman… only that they are roommates and that he doesn’t want to discuss it. Let’s say to be fair that the man has never claimed to want anything from the woman and has maintained the same stance from the beginning. Never trying to trick or deceive. Let’s say woman took an on-line course on jealousy and found out that she’s only 50% responsible for it and when she tried to discuss the definition of the relationship he became angry. He stated, when confronted, that there was nothing wrong with staying in touch with a “f-buddy” (she saw “Jill’s phone number on his cell phone – got what I deserved?) even if they aren’t f-buddies anymore and have nothing in common other than they f’d. Now at the man’s request, the woman moved to another state with the man, has no job (plenty of savings, though) and man is going to bars with his new co-workers – saying it’s part of the new job – and coming home after midnight talking about the “game” his co-workers are running on women (he doesn’t drink). Let’s say woman gets so mad and jealous and sick that she can’t even look man in face anymore.

    Advice, please?

  2. Gloria says:

    To Gigi. This man is using you. You deserve so much better. Life is way too short to deal with a man than seemes to be sexually, financially and emotionally unavailable. He is giving to his female friends what he should be giving to you. And did you say you had been with him for almost 3 years? Please get out of this now. I can’t believe he is not trying to have sex with you. Most heterosexual men can’t just live with a woman or even be around a woman without wanting to at least touch or kiss you. This is very unusual. You’ve have been given more than enough evidence that this man is not a good man or a good person and he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings at all. I would not try to figure out why he is the way he is or what he is really doing. If all of these things are going on (especially never showin interest in kissing or having sex with you) you can clearly see that:
    “He’s just not that into you”. It is not your fault that he is trying to use you, but allowing him to continue to do it will be your fault if you don’t leave. I’ve never allowed a man to do this to me or experienced anything like this, but I have allowed a man to use me for almost 6 months. At only 29yrs old (30 yrs old now) I had been divorced twice from two different abusive men who refused to help support or stay in contact with their children. I hadn’t been with a man seriously in about a year, I had no friends where I lived and the lonliness almost killed me! I allowed my self to become involved with a male (not a man) that had nothing to offer a woman……..NOTHING, but his companionship seemed to sooth my lonliness and give me something other than stress to look forward to. This man turned out to be a 37 year old looser who gaved me mixed messages about our “Friendship” as he called it. I knew that we didn’t have a real future, but hoped that he would see all that I had to offer and like the article said, and eventually want a relationship. Anyway, I’m proud to say that I ended it and stopped seeing him after 9 months of an emotional rollercoaster. It’s funny though, because now that I’m not around anymore he keeps calling me to the point where I had to tell him to stop! Oh well, some poeple don’t know what they had until it’s gone. Please remember, this: I WOULD RATHER DIE ALONE, THAN LIVE ON MY KNEES! I know it hurts, but you have to let this man go. God will not bless him for using you. Invest your time,money, energy and living space in yourself. Once you do this, you will probably find someone better anyway. Don’t take any crap from any man ever again! Good Luck to You! I hope things work out for you. God Bless

  3. Sara says:

    I was wondering if the girl who was twice divorced was then dating the 37 year old man from Illinois? I believe we may have dated the same man. I was left heartbroken as a result of his emotional indecision.
    Feel free to respond if you receive this message.

  4. angelo says:

    i think it’s hilarious how women b!@#h and
    moan that all men wan’t is sex, yet when a man
    doesn’t roll over when a women demands women
    panic.(does that mean that it’s important for
    everybodys sanity for men to be the’hard up pigs’ woman constantly whine about?) p.s.
    men DESERVE aLOT better than these things posing as women also.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!