Table Manners for Every Poor Schlub
Ever since mankind evolved out of the caves and into a more structured and civilised environment, table manners evolved as well, taking us out of the sloppy, messy, stuff everything into your mouth as fast as you can technique to a more harmonious tableau.
However, it seems that some men (and women unfortunately) have either never been taught basic table manners, or rejected civilised eating in favor of something else. This something else has been known to ruin appetites, break up relationships and have gotten many a couple kicked out of certain restaurants and banned for all time.
The first date is one of the situations that all my guards are up. I notice the way that the guy I’m with eats, and if he eats as if he was raised by a pack of hyenas, chances are there is not going to be a second date.
I can understand if you are wrestling with a complicated seven course dinner….but seriously, it’s very hard to screw up eating a salad. Unless you were raised by hyenas. For the fact that we are in a fine restaurant, your fingers should not come in contact with the food at any time. Don’t use your fingers to push the food unto your fork, don’t use your fingers to pick out unwanted items from your meal, don’t ignore the cutlery and use your fingers instead. The only thing that comes in contact with the food should be your mouth and your cutlery.
Cutlery is the shiny metal objects right by your plate. Let us examine each of the instruments and their proper usage.
The fork…a wonderful invention of the 14th century, seems to be ignored by many men in favor of the spoon. You do NOT use a spoon to eat a Caesar salad…it’s just not done. Conversely, you do NOT use a spoon to eat anything that is not liquid, not dessert or when it doesn’t come in small pieces. If you must use the knife to cut it, then the fork is your instrument of choice, capishe?
The spoon is the concave one, that looks like a small ladle. Do not slurp while using the spoon. Feel free to place the whole spoon into your mouth and let the liquid trickle down your throat. Slurping is not needed AT ALL during this exercise. Don’t try to demonstrate any licking techniques with your spoon. Trust me, I don’t need to know that you know how to use your tongue, the table is neither the time nor the place.
Last but not least, the knife. You shouldn’t hold it as if you are holding a dagger, this is not a stab party we are having here, but a meal. In fact, your meat of choice does not need to be stabbed in any way. If you need to cut, cut without throwing/splashing food all over the fine tablecloth. The fork can assist you in this process, you do not need to include your hands at all.
I know your darling mum probably taught you this, and you must have ignored her teachings. Do NOT chew with your mouth open. I do not want to see what crunched up food looks like while you are asking me some asinine question. In fact, if it is difficult for you to maintain a conversation while eating, my suggestion would be for you to forgo the conversation altogether, and save me from having particles of your meal all over my side of the table.
If a question is posed to you just when you took a large bite of your dish, then feel free to chew it and swallow BEFORE you answer the question. I can wait, and frankly will be glad for your consideration. If I need something from your side of the table, and ask for it to be passed to me, don’t take the opportunity to suddenly remember that you needed the gravy too. Don’t swipe the bowl before passing it to me, that is just rude.
Eating should be a time of harmony, balance and enjoyment. Good table manners are a must. Do not turn your side of the table into a war zone. Do not give me a reason to have to duck or lean as far back as I can to avoid food missiles aimed at my direction.
Practice your good table manners dude. You’ll be glad you did.
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